Remember Heather Locklear? Everyone used to fancy her in the olden days didn’t they? She was the muse for many a 90s teen masturbation and, boy howdy, she was the archetypal neutron blonde.

Alas, image is always temporary and as her vanity stood firm in the face of sliding features, she looked like she was losing her mind.

And to back that up, she was taken to the hospital yesterday after a 911 call was placed from her home. Is it drugs? It’s usually drugs isn’t it?

Of course, doctors being doctors, nurses being nurses, the  nature of the emergency wasn’t immediately revealed… HOWEVER… thankfully we’ve got TMZ around to forage the bins and chase the ambulances for us, and it appears that they’re under the impression that Locklear may have mixed alcohol and prescription medication.

Excellent work.

Ventura County Sheriff’s Capt. Mike Aranda told People magazine:

“Emergency response personnel responded to a medical emergency call at Ms. Locklear’s residence. Once they arrived, it was determined that Ms. Locklear needed to be transported to the hospital for further medical attention.”

Yes, that’s all well and good. The only thing we really want to know is: Will she die?

See, the deathly nature of such a story is absolutely key. We need to know whether to laugh about it all, or indeed, make a martyr of her. That’s what we do. We a guided solely by understanding the gravity of a situation. We need to know whether Heather Locklear is dead! OKAY?

That said, we are allowed some flippancy on this one. Why? Well, despite being rushed to hospital with sirens honking, Locklear’s daughter, Ava Sambora, found time to tweet the touching message of:

“Well this sucks.”

Locklear has been in-and-out of hospital and has been arrested for drink-driving, so this could be ‘a cry for help’ or something because she seems to be coming apart at the seams.

Which is obviously great for vultures like us.

Heather Locklear must have been thrilled when she was arrested for DUI – at least it distracted everyone from all her horrible sitcoms.

But now, possibly, Heather Locklear might just be starting to regret allegedly getting hammered on prescription medication and then parking her car in the middle of a state highway in floods of tears in September and then having a mugshot taken that makes her look a bit like a emotionally-sensitive panda being forced to watch the 2 Girls 1 Cup video.

And that’s because Heather Locklear has just been officially charged with misdemeanor driving under the influence of legally prescribed drugs. Who knew that Heather Locklear possibly had an addiction to prescription drugs? We’d have thought that her existing addictions – to making cacky TV shows and marrying idiots from crappy bands that only morons like – would have been enough for anyone.

We’ve always had a sneaking resentment of Ava, the daughter of Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora – not only does she have the genes to grow the worst haircut in history if she wanted to, but she’s going to have a hell of a Christmas.

This year her dad was arrested for DUI while she was in the car with him, and his mother’s just been charged with DUI after she was arrested for parking her car in the middle of a highway on suspicion of being off her chuff on prescription drugs. And that means Ava’s getting shitloads of presents.

True, depending on who she gets to spend Christmas day with, Ava might either have to put up with a recovering alcoholic barely in control of his own functions or a shivering depressed woman who might  constantly be on the verge of suicide but, hey, at least she’ll get an Xbox out of it. And isn’t that the most important thing?

Well, that’s unless Heather Locklear blows all her money on legal fees. Because, following her DUI arrest in September, Heather Locklear has now finally been charged with misdemeanor driving under the influence of legally prescribed drugs. The Los Angeles Times reports:

“There was no alcohol and no illegal narcotics in her system, only prescription medications, said Santa Barbara County Deputy Dist. Atty. Lee Carter. Locklear is scheduled to be arraigned Jan. 26. Attorney Blair Berk, who is representing the actress, declined to comment.

Heather Locklear may have been charged, but that isn’t to say that she’ll be heavily punished for it if she’s convicted. Since this is her first real offence, it’s likely that Heather will get away with just a fine and possibly a court-ordered rehab stint.

And that’s undoubtedly the best outcome. Not only is Heather Locklear the mother of a young child, but also if she’s sent to prison, then who’ll do all the crappy cameos in all the rubbish American sitcoms in her place?

Britney Spears, that’s who. Would you really be able to live with yourselves after an outcome like that, jury members? We didn’t think so.

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Heidi Fleiss is notorious for many things, like getting prostitutes to bang celebrities for cash and the way she looks like one of those bird-monsters from The Dark Crystal, but now we can add drugs to the list, too.

Heidi Fleiss was arrested in Nevada yesterday for – deep breath – investigation of driving under the influence and possessing drugs without a prescription.

We don't know any details, but we think that probably means that Heidi Fleiss had some over-the-counter medicine on her, and we're guessing it was Dulco Ease. Basically we're insinuating that Heidi Fleiss' bowel is jam-packed with rock-hard impacted turds.

When will these celebrities learn that medicine is bad for you? Anna Nicole Smith died because of medicine, Heath Ledger died because of medicine and Pimp C died because of a medicine that he loved enough to write a little ditty about it. 

And if that's not bad enough, mostly-forgotten 1990s Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has been pulled over and arrested because of medicine. We know. Where will the carnage end? People reports:

Fleiss, 42, was released on $1,300 bail following her morning arrest near her home in Pahrump, police say… "During the investigation she was found to have prescription narcotics on her person, not in a prescription bottle, and could produce no evidence that the prescription pain medication had been prescribed to her," police said in a press release. "She was arrested and transported to [jail]." 

This is just the latest bump in a long series of controversial episodes for Heidi Fleiss. As well as going to prison for – as far as we can work out – supplying hookers to Charlie Sheen, Heidi Fleiss also claims that Tom Sizemore beat her up. And, more than that, she owns a laundrette. Which sort of makes Heidi Fleiss a bit like a prostitute-supplying Dot Cotton, albeit one who looks like she's been smacked in the mouth with a ton of stinging nettles recently.

It's not known what punishment Heidi Fleiss will receive for her drug arrest, or if that punishment will affect her plans to open a manwhore brothel. Hopefully it won't, because we'd hate to see the violent scenes as the old, rich, stupid, ideologically-confused women of Nevada learn that they have to wait longer than expected to have it off with Mike Tyson.

Read more:

Heidi Fleiss Arrested on Drug Charges – People

So it's official – an accidental overdose of sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medication, painkillers and other prescription drugs killed Heath Ledger.

The New York City medical examiner has declared that Heath Ledger died from “acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine,” in a report that's just been released.

As sad as this news is, we should focus on the positives – not only can Heath Ledger's family continue with their lives knowing that at least it wasn't suicide, but Heath Ledger looks set for pub quiz immortality by being the answer to the question "Which celebrity cause of death would get you the highest score in a game of Scrabble?"

Right, that's it. We're never taking any medicine again. Seriously, it's killing people like flies. First Pimp C died because of all the cough mixture he drank and now Heath Ledger has joined the 'accidental overdose' club along with Anna Nicole Smith.

Two weeks after he died, the official medical examiner's report into the cause of Heath Ledger's death has finally been released MSNBC reports:

The cause of death was “acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine,” spokeswoman Ellen Borakove said in a statement. Oxycodone is a painkiller marketed as OxyContin and used in other painkillers such as Percodan and Percocet; hydrocodone is used in a number of painkillers, including Vicodin. Diazepam and alprazolam are the generic names for the anti-anxiety drugs Valium and Xanax, and the other two drugs are sleep aids commonly sold under the brands Restoril and Unisom. Borakove wouldn’t say what concentrations of each drug were found in Ledger’s blood, or whether one drug played a greater part than another in causing his death. “What you’re looking at here is the cumulative effects of these medications together,” she said.

Although the report isn't going to bring Heath Ledger back, it will go some way to hushing the storm of speculation surrounding his untimely death. Although the accidental overdose scenario seemed likely from the outset, there were also conflicting reports suggesting that Heath Ledger died a natural death or that Heath Ledger was so miserable that suicide looked like a genuine option. Throw in a banned video of Heath Ledger at a drugs party and everything got so confused that only an official report could clear things up.

The report into Heath Ledger's cause of death comes as Heath's family prepare for his funeral, so at least all the mysteries and rumours about his death can be laid to rest at the same time that he is. Plus, unlike Pimp C, at least Heath Ledger died before he could perform a gangsta rap all about his love for the thing that killed him called Sipping On Some Alprazizzlam. So at least there's some dignity, however small.

As for us, we're serious about that 'no medicine' thing. In fact, all these celebrity medication deaths have got us quietly freaking out in case the BCG vaccination we had at school over a decade ago suddenly decides to turn evil and finish us off.

Read more:

Heath Ledger died of accidental overdose – MSNBC