Premieres for big blockbusters usually take place in cinemas with names like ODEON, CINEWORLD, GRAUMAN’S or BOGNOR REGIS CINEMASCOPE but it seems that the makers of Paranormal Activity are positively itching to associate their horrifying, overdone claptrap with Channel 5′s flagship horrifying, overdone claptrap.

And, as such, the premiere of Paranormal Activity III took place in front of a star-studded audience inside the Big Brother compound proving once and for all that crossover episodes are never as realistic as you hope.

It had been expected that Channel 5 would take the opportunity of having a scary film playing in the compound to systematically murder all of the housemates and celebrities who were assembled inside and the world (100 people whose remotes were broken) watched on with bated breath, waiting for the axe-murderer to be released into the house.

Unfortunately the reality was much less interesting (much like Big Brother, in fact). In fact no actual celebrities turned up to the event, leaving the organisers to sift through the dregs of the Z-List. People who were willing to coo about how good the inevitably terrible film was in order to get £50 from the poor bastards doing PR for yet another shark-jumping horror sequel.

On that subject, we did make the slightly erroneous claim that the premiere was ‘star-studded’ but perhaps a ‘diamanté vajazzled’ audience would be a more accurate term. Well-known Jordan lookalike Katie Price (the one with the tits that she hates us mentioning), Dane Bowers (of ‘sexing Katie Price’ fame), Ironik (the least ironic man alive) and Michelle Heaton (nope, no idea) were among the great washed-up to enter the compound in the pursuit of enough money to buy a loaf of bread and some crack.

Of course, it’s yet another premiere that hecklerspray wasn’t invited to despite us finally meeting the criteria that many of our commenters lay down for us. “What have you ever achieved?” We would argue that we’ve achieved more than Dane Bowers and yet here we are picking the mould off the bottom of our tea cups while he has an awkward conversation with Katie Price about male ejaculate over some plastic nachos.

We can’t win.

The third instalment of the horror franchise is set 18 years before the first film, and is directed by the people who made Catfish, a film that is almost as awful as Paranormal Activity III is bound to be.

Hey nerd baskets! Get this! You’re gonna love this! You know Blade Runner? That sic-fi film you weally weally weally love? Some people are going to tinker with it. Feel free to say “is nothing sacred anymore?”

Ridley Scott’s bleak look at some typically horrible future (why are no films set in the future kinda cool?*) is about to have a whole new set of digits, prodding and poking it and fizzing with excitement about filming in 3D and ‘better’ CGI, when really, the original’s clunky effects only added to the menace of it all.

Aaaanyway, more than thirty years on, the film is about to become a franchise seeing spin-offs on television and new movies.

Some company (they’re called Alcon if you remotely care) is bagging the rights for Blade Runner to make a whole buncha new things which will probably end up looking like those awful Stargate shows that we all endured when there was nothing else on the box.

Bud Yorkin, who produced the original, is set to produce a new untitled Blade Runner project.

The people from Some Company, say:

“We are honored and excited to be in business with Bud Yorkin. This is a major acquisition for our company, and a personal favorite film for both of us. We recognize the responsibility we have to do justice to the memory of the original with any prequel or sequel we produce. We have long-term goals for the franchise, and are exploring multi-platform concepts, not just limiting ourselves to one medium only.”

So expect video games and lunchboxes then.

Blade Runner, of course, starred Harrison Ford as Rick Dekard. Dekard was a retired cop who was tasked with hunting down some clones who escaped from a colony and decided that Los Angeles sounded like a nice place to hang out.

So who will take the role of Dekard in a prequel? It has to be someone with reasonable acting chops and butch enough to tackle the thrills and spills of the story.

In that case, our money’s on either Tom Hardy or Dustin Diamond.

*Granted, a film set in the future where everything and everyone was happy would be immensely dull, but y’know?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Natalie Portman is lovely looking isn’t she? Even when dressed in ridiculous clothes and faced with the immensely wooden acting of Hayden Christensen in the newest Star Wars films, she still managed to look all lovely and lovelier.

Now Portman is set to look really quite lovely in the new Alien prequels which Ridley Scott has promised will be so grotesque that we might just puke all of our bones up through our faces.

Even if Natalie Portman ends up covered in alien vomit and has enormous, gaping wounds all over her body after being attacked by weird creatures, she’ll still make us all sigh like lovelorn schoolboys.

Apparently, Scott really wants Natalie Portman to play the film’s female lead. If you’re wondering, the lead is a colonial marine general. So that’d be lovely BUT REALLY TOUGH Natalie Portman on our screens.

Of course, she’s not said yes to the role and, should she decide to turn the gig down, then it is rumoured that the second choice is The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo star Noomi Rapace.

She’s quite lovely too, but not a lovely as lovely Natalie Portman.

In other news concerning the film, it’s said that Lost co-creator Damon Lindelof has finished his rewrite of the film’s script and that all concerned are rather happy with the way it looks. Weirdly, revisions have been put forward which will lower the movie’s age certificate.

And there’s us thinking that this was going to be a ming-fest.

There’s very little in the way of plot details emerging thus far, but we understand that the Alien prequel has been set around 35 years before the original film and that it may hit the screens in 2011.

Natalie Portman is really lovely isn’t she?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Do you find that Planet Of The Apes, its four movie sequels, movie remake, TV series, cartoon show and books haven’t left you satisfied?

Do you often get irritated because, even though you could literally drown in all the different versions of Planet Of The Apes that have been made over the years, nobody’s ever bothered to tell you what happened on the planet almost 2,000 years before the events of the original movie?

If you do, we have two pieces of advice for you – 1) hold onto your hat, because Fox is apparently very close to starting production on that exact Planet Of The Apes prequel, entitled Genesis: Apes, set 1,969 years before the original movie, and 2) stop wasting your life, you friendless nincompoop.

Aside from inexplicably continuing to give Vin Diesel work, Hollywood loves nothing more than overloading a hot trend until its wheels fall off. And the hottest trend of the moment would appear to be the utterly needless prequel.

Looking at the production schedules, we can see that there’s a Wolverine prequel coming out soon, plus a Star Trek prequel, the prequel to Lord Of The Rings and a Terminator movie that’s a sort of prequel but not really. But that’s nothing, because there’s a Planet Of The Apes prequel coming out, and if you judge a prequel’s quality on the space of time between the setting of the prequel and the original, then it’s going to be the best prequel ever made.

The original Planet Of The Apes was set in the year 3978, but if you want to trace back to the exact moment which set off the chain of events that ended up with Charlton Heston wailing around on his knees like a sandy bellend, you need to go back 1,969 years to – oh, this is a coincidence – 2009.

That’s apparently the plot of new Planet Of The Apes prequel Genesis: Apes. And to prove we’re not making any of this up, here’s a quote about it from Fox’s Tom Rothman, as found on CHUD:

We are very close at Fox on a new Apes script- this one a kind of prequel story before the first story, with a return to the social thematics that mark the first one, but with an entirely contemporary setting – Earth 2009.

So, just to make this clear, the new Planet Of The Apes sequel won’t be set on the ape planet as we know it, nor will it feature very many clever monkeys. Maybe there’ll be a chimpanzee with a metal colander on its head who can talk through a machine, but apart from that there’ll be a bunch of grumpy humans listening to Katy Perry and not much else.

Who knows why Planet Of The Apes is getting this prequel. Maybe it’s because strong sales of Planet Of The Apes DVDs proves that demand for the new movie is there. Or maybe someone at Fox is friends with Tim Burton and deliberately wants to make a Planet Of The Apes movie that’ll make Tim’s 2001 remake look less crap in comparison. Or maybe people just think they’ll get rich if they cynically knock out a massively unnecessary Planet Of The Apes prequel without putting much thought in.

Let’s hope the last one isn’t the case, because if Genesis: Apes is successful then we’re going to be overloaded with prequels set thousands of years before the original. And a trend that logically concludes with a Four Christmases prequel where Vince Vaughn‘s great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather hits Reese Witherpoon‘s great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandmother over the head with a club and then insincerely marvels at the invention of fire is not a good trend at all.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It must have been such a relief for JK Rowling when she finished the last Harry Potter book, because it meant she could focus on what’s really important to her – which, it turns out, is Harry Potter.

Not content with the book of Harry Potter fairy tales she recently wrote, or the Harry Potter encyclopedia she’s working on now, JK Rowling has found the time to write a prequel to the Harry Potter books, set before Harry first went to Hogwarts.

However, there’s only one copy of this 800-word Harry Potter prequel and it’s going to be auctioned for charity, so hardly anyone will be able to read it. But the rest of you shouldn’t worry – give it a year and Warner Bros will have bought the rights and padded it out into a brand new nine-hour movie trilogy. In space.

As any novelist and most parents will tell you, it’s difficult to kill off your own creation. That definitely seems to be the case with Harry Potter and JK Rowling. JK Rowling finished writing Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows a couple of years ago, but she just can’t seem to let go of the boy wizard.

Maybe that’s because Harry Potter has been JK Rowling’s closest companion for a decade. Maybe it’s because Harry Potter left a mark on society more indelible than anything else JK Rowling will ever write. Or maybe it’s because Harry Potter made JK Rowling so rich that all the jewelery she now owns is made from the crystallised remains of Jesus Christ. Who knows?

Whatever the reason, JK Rowling seems unable to stop sneaking out new Harry Potter morsels every couple of months. First it was the handwritten Harry Potter fairy tales that were given to friends and auctioned off. Then there’s the Harry Potter encyclopedia that’s definitely JK Rowling’s idea and she’ll sue you if you copy her. And now there’s a brand-new Harry Potter prequel.

Don’t get too excited, though – the Harry Potter prequel is only 800 words long and written on both sides of an A5 storycard, which means you’ll look like even more of a dick than usual if you try reading it on the tube. Also there’s only one copy and it’s probably going to cost about £5 million when it’s sold in a charity auction next month. Sky News reports:

Rowling has penned a prequel to the bestselling seven-book series describing what happened to Harry before he went to Hogwarts. The new piece is one of 13 story outlines written by famous writers for a charity auction to be held by Waterstones on June 10…. [Rowling] says at the end of the story, written on both sides of an A5 storycard: “From the prequel I am not working on – but that was fun!”

We’re not entirely sure what happens in this new Harry Potter prequel but, since Star Wars was such an obvious influence on the Harry Potter books, we believe that it’ll centre around a complex and obscure trade disagreement, show Lord Voldemort as the adorable little boy from Jingle All The Way and feature a stupid racially-dubious alien that everyone hates because he’s obviously just there to sell merchandising.

Still, it’s wrong of us to criticise JK Rowling here, because her exclusive one-off Harry Potter prequel is bound to raise an incredible amount of money for charity. Plus it’s infinitely better than her original idea for a story outline – basically an inky imprint of her arse and the words ‘I am rich! Suck it dickheads!’ angrily scrawled out underneath it in lipstick.