Pregnant celebrities - HecklerSpray

Pete Wentz: Look, I Haven’t Knocked Ashlee Simpson Up, OK?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Pete Wentz wants the whole world to know he definitely hasn’t got Ashlee Simpson pregnant, and he wouldn’t even know how to if she asked him.

Alright, not exactly that, but Ashlee Simpson definitely isn’t pregnant, and Pete Wentz has lashed out at the media for saying she is by calling it a ‘witch hunt’ – which seems more like a cruel jibe at the expense of Ashlee Simpson’s nose than a clever comment about celebrity culture, really.

But anyway, the point is that Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant and Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson didn’t just get engaged because he knocked her up accidentally. Which means that Pete Wentz must be marrying Ashlee Simpson for something other than a sense of misplaced guilt. Weird.

It’s Rumour Time: Beyonce Is Pregnant!

March 24th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Rumour has it that one single sperm out of the millions and millions found in Jay-Z’s roca-jizz has won the race to fertilize Beyonce’s little ovarian egg.

According to Actress Archives, Beyonce was recently spotted in NYC with her belly seemingly being pushed out from the inside – a phenomenon synonymous with pregnant women. And fat people. And people with hernias. And people with pillows under their shirt.

But, what with the recent out-of-the-blue wedding reports, pregnancy is the most realistic choice and, according to OK! Magazine, a source close to the couple told them:

“I’ve heard from at least two people that Beyonce is pregnant.”

Kerry Katona Shits Out Another One

March 24th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

Kerry Katona has managed to squeeze out another baby after two days of labour.

Two days in labour? That must have hurt. Good.

Max Clifford, Katona’s publicist, had these words to say of the joyous occasion:

“Kerry is fine.She had a natural labour after being induced at lunchtime today. Max is great, he’s a little small, but Kerry’s baby Heidi was only 4lbs, 9oz when she was born premature.”

Angelina Jolie Talks Babies! Also Iraq And Stuff

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone alive is sick of listening to Angelina Jolie prattle on about humanitarian issues all the time – that’s a fact.

That’s fine – a firebrand like Angelina Jolie must be used to the criticism from strangers by now – but it has to hurt when Angelina Jolie’s own unborn children start to launch violent internal attacks on her own abdominal wall just to shut her up.

Because that’s what’s happened – during a discussion about Iraqi education policy in Washington on Tuesday, Angelina Jolie was forced to talk about her own unborn twins in public for the very first time because they wouldn’t stop booting her in the gut with all their might. Heartwarming stuff, huh?

Jamie Lynn Spears To Marry Guy Whose DNA Thrives Within Her?

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Jamie Lynn Spears has a problem. She's only 16 or something, and yet in her body lies a fatherless abomination festering in feminine hormones and lady grease.

When Spears jr decided she wanted to be pregnant really, really bad, perhaps it was because she thought stretch marks would make her Zoey character all the more real. And it does. We see now that she's one of us, and that she may have been so all along.

Now that she's the first line on a hitlist recently distributed to an elite Vatican strike force though, she better think of a way to unpregnant herself really fast. Either she should gently take the baby out and stuff it into a nice married lady, or she should get married herself. At 16. Which is the plan.

Apparently.

Matt Damon’s Wife Pregnant With Matt Damon’s Baby

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Like many people, Matt Damon's boyishly handsome face routinely fools us into thinking that he's not old enough to produce sperm in his testes yet.

But he is. Because Matt Damon is 37 years old, which is plenty old enough to knock his wife up a bunch of times. And just to remind of that fact, Matt Damon has got his wife Luciana pregnant again.

Matt Damon's reps haven't confirmed how far along Luciana is but that's beside the point – the point is that we're a maximum of nine months away from hearing the latest, most harrowing, legally-questionable and morally-dubious version of I'm Fucking Matt Damon the world has ever seen.

Lisa Marie Presley Sues For Not Being A Massive Lardarse

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Because she's pregnant, Lisa Marie Presley has very naturally bloated out to the size of, say, Luxembourg – but that doesn't mean she's very happy about it.

You see, Lisa Marie Presley was only forced into confirming the pregnancy because The Daily Mail ran some pictures of her looking so fat that you'd think she needed to be transported everywhere on a reinforced forklift truck.

But Lisa Marie Presley isn't fat, she's pregnant. And so wounded by the thought that a British newspaper would have the nerve to call her fat that she's suing The Daily Mail. Nobody knows what Lisa Marie Presley will spend her damages on if she's successful, but the smart money's on cake. Cake and biscuits. And pies. Oh, and sausages. Lots of delicious sausages.

Lisa Marie Presley Violently Pregnant

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You may have seen pictures of Lisa Marie Presley recently and wondered how she got so enormous, but now we have the answer – Lisa Marie Presley ate a baby.

Wait, no, not that's not entirely true. In fact what's happened is that Lisa Marie Presley – daughter of Elvis Presley – is merely pregnant, as her spokesman has confirmed.

This will be Lisa Marie Presley's third child but, given that she's looking more and more like Fat Elvis with each passing day, it's unknown whether Lisa Marie will want to give birth to her baby in the regular way or die trying to crap it out of her arse on the toilet. As a mark of respect to her father, you understand.

Kerry Katona’s Unborn Baby Already A Chip Off The Old Block

March 31st, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

According to the ever-reliable News of the World, the walking arsehole known as Kerry Katona is still taking cocaine four months into her pregnancy.

She has also allegedly been seen smoking up to 20 cigarettes at a time. But, guys, hold on a minute before you judge! It’s alright! Kerry’s not stupid. No way! Dr. Katona tells friends:

"It's OK – you can wean the baby off the coke afterwards. It's only booze that can cause serious damage."

Yeah! Fuck off science! Kerry knows best. Just point your saggy bucket vagina in the direction of The Priory and fire.

Jamie Lynn Spears No Longer A Pregnant Schoolgirl

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Bad luck perverts – just when you were getting around to thinking that there was something arousing about Jamie Lynn Spears being a pregnant schoolgirl, she goes and lets you down.

No, Jamie Lynn Spears hasn't given birth, instead she's passed her high school equivalency GED exam. So, freed up from the stigma attached to being a pregnant schoolgirl, Jamie Lynn Spears can now stretch out her horizons and become the plain old pregnant non-schoolgirl teenage strumpet with a bleak regret-filled future that she's always longed to be.

Congratulations Jamie Lynn. Live the dream.

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