Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
After years and years and years of proclaiming himself a forever bachelor, George Clooney baffled the entire world back in 2014 when he decided to marry human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin. I’m pretty sure some people won some pretty pricey bets for that one.
However, given what he’s said over the years and the fact that he’s pushing 60 (which really means nothing to wealthy men, anyway), I think we all assumed he’d never have kids, right? Well, we’re all wrong again.
Rumour has it that there’s another bun cooking away in Gwen Stefani’s oven. Is it weird to be jealous of an unborn baby?
According to more than a few sources, Gwen and her equally rockstar-esque husband Gavin Rossdale will soon be welcoming a third genetically gifted child into the world, no doubt with a name to rival Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. See what I did there? This is comedy gold, people
There are some stories, so mediocre and unexceptional that they make us wonder why we chose to continue living in a world that causes us so much pain on a daily basis. ?This is one of them.
Reality star and possible eater of souls, Kourtney Kardashian has revealed to the?uninterested?public that she’s having one of those babies which definitely doesn’t have a penis and which will one day be able to produce more?talentless?K Klan members. Or ‘ a girl’ if you like.
As there are already seventeen thousand women in the Kardashian family, there really is no need to burden the world with any more but selfish Kourtney seems to be happy about this and we don’t appear to have any say in the matter.
Well, to be clear, she didn’t actually remind us. As it were. She’d have to lift the protective order and speak to us, first.
The mother of three suggested to us that getting knocked up, for the viewing pleasure of the British public, is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, heck. We’re all fingers and thumbs today. Let us have another stab at that last one – with a loving gaze in our direction that spoke a thousand words, Katie Price let us know her womb generates more column inches than we ever will.
Now that Scarlett Johansson is happily married to Van Wilder, you’d expect that babies were next on the agenda.
That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.
As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.
Stretching back to biblical times, Christmas has always been about screwball pregnancies – and it still is.
Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he’s only got one testicle, that’s impressive. It’s just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn’t had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins.
So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that’ll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you’ve done for it.
If you are like us, then you prefer to eat? your ham after it's been marinated for several hours deep inside Anne Heche's abnormally large ovaries. This always turns out tasty as that's also where she stores her herbs and spices.
Now if you've decided you simply must have a slice of this delicious sounding Heche-ham, that's just too bad. You're gonna have to wait ? she's currently using that space for gestation or something. This of course means if you want your ham lady-marinated at all, you\’ll have to find someone else to help you do that.
Might we suggest you use Ellen Degeneres, as we've heard the general flavour is still incredibly similar.
The best thing about being in the Spears family is that nobody will ever underestimate your clanging stupidity.
Britney Spears asking if Hinduism was like Kabbalah? No surprise. Lynne Spears writing a parenting guide with one daughter a pregnant schoolgirl and another daughter in a mental hospital? Saw it coming.
Jamie Lynn Spears getting underage liposuction on her stomach because she was getting fat but didn’t realise it was because she was pregnant? No, wait, that is actually profoundly stupid. So it’s just as well that Jamie Lynn Spears said it didn’t happen, then, even though everyone else said it did.
You hear that deafening crash every couple of seconds? Yeah, ignore it, it’s just Jennifer Aniston’s biological clock going off.
You see, Jennifer Aniston has told EW that although all the speculation over her supposed pregnancy turned out to be completely false, she’s still ‘longing’ to experience motherhood because motherhood is ‘definitely in her future’.
So if we were John Mayer, we’d think about getting our bloody act together. Keep her waiting for a baby much longer and it seems likely that Jennifer Aniston will start nicking kids out of pushchairs in shopping centres, and he won’t want that on his conscience.
Nothing makes us happier than when a woman from a TV show we never watch announces that she’s got a bun in the oven.
So congratulations to Kelly Rutherford, who we’re told is a) a star of Gossip Girl and b) pregnant. We’re not experts on Gossip Girl or pregnancy, but we hear one involves backache, uncontrollable mood swings, a slack bladder, nausea and rabid constipation. The other one is pregnancy.
This will be Kelly Rutherford’s second child, following the birth of her… really, are you still actually reading this? Are people genuinely interested in Kelly Rutherfords’s pregnancy? Weirdos.
