Articles tagged with: Pregnant celebrities
Scarlett Johansson Thinks Her Unborn Babies Can All Eff Off
Now that Scarlett Johansson is happily married to Van Wilder, you'd expect that babies were next on the agenda. That's unless you don't care. Which you probably shouldn't do, in fairness. After all, it's not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you'd have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson's unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick. As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn't want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.
Now that Scarlett Johansson is happily married to Van Wilder, you'd expect that babies were next on the agenda. That's unless you don't care. Which you probably shouldn't do, in fairness. After all, it's not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you'd have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson's unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick. As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn't want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.
Lance Armstrong Gets A Woman Pregnant, So Hooray For That
Stretching back to biblical times, Christmas has always been about screwball pregnancies - and it still is. Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he's only got one testicle, that's impressive. It's just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn't had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins. So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that'll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you've done for it.
Stretching back to biblical times, Christmas has always been about screwball pregnancies - and it still is. Lance Armstrong, you see, has got his girlfriend pregnant. And since he's only got one testicle, that's impressive. It's just like that time God knocked up the Virgin Mary with baby Jesus, really, but better because God almost definitely hasn't had sex with Sheryl Crow or one of the Olsen Twins. So congratulations to Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend. Truly this is the greatest Christmas present of all. Or, more accurately, the greatest Christmas present that'll crap everywhere and grow up to resent everything you've done for it.
Anne Heche Is Pregnant With A Human Baby
If you are like us, then you prefer to eat your ham after it’s been marinated for several hours deep inside Anne Heche’s abnormally large ovaries. This always turns out tasty as that’s also where she stores her herbs and spices. Now if you’ve decided you simply must have a slice of this delicious sounding Heche-ham, that’s just too bad. You’re gonna have to wait – she’s currently using that space for gestation or something. This of course means if you want your ham lady-marinated at all, you’ll have to find someone else to help you do that. Might we suggest you use Ellen Degeneres, as we’ve heard the general flavour is still incredibly similar.
If you are like us, then you prefer to eat your ham after it’s been marinated for several hours deep inside Anne Heche’s abnormally large ovaries. This always turns out tasty as that’s also where she stores her herbs and spices. Now if you’ve decided you simply must have a slice of this delicious sounding Heche-ham, that’s just too bad. You’re gonna have to wait – she’s currently using that space for gestation or something. This of course means if you want your ham lady-marinated at all, you’ll have to find someone else to help you do that. Might we suggest you use Ellen Degeneres, as we’ve heard the general flavour is still incredibly similar.
Is Jamie Lynn Spears Dumb Enough For Pregnant Lipo? Maybe
The best thing about being in the Spears family is that nobody will ever underestimate your clanging stupidity. Britney Spears asking if Hinduism was like Kabbalah? No surprise. Lynne Spears writing a parenting guide with one daughter a pregnant schoolgirl and another daughter in a mental hospital? Saw it coming. Jamie Lynn Spears getting underage liposuction on her stomach because she was getting fat but didn't realise it was because she was pregnant? No, wait, that is actually profoundly stupid. So it's just as well that Jamie Lynn Spears said it didn't happen, then, even though everyone else said it did.
The best thing about being in the Spears family is that nobody will ever underestimate your clanging stupidity. Britney Spears asking if Hinduism was like Kabbalah? No surprise. Lynne Spears writing a parenting guide with one daughter a pregnant schoolgirl and another daughter in a mental hospital? Saw it coming. Jamie Lynn Spears getting underage liposuction on her stomach because she was getting fat but didn't realise it was because she was pregnant? No, wait, that is actually profoundly stupid. So it's just as well that Jamie Lynn Spears said it didn't happen, then, even though everyone else said it did.
Jennifer Aniston: “Give Me Babies! BABIES!”
You hear that deafening crash every couple of seconds? Yeah, ignore it, it's just Jennifer Aniston's biological clock going off. You see, Jennifer Aniston has told EW that although all the speculation over her supposed pregnancy turned out to be completely false, she's still 'longing' to experience motherhood because motherhood is 'definitely in her future'. So if we were John Mayer, we'd think about getting our bloody act together. Keep her waiting for a baby much longer and it seems likely that Jennifer Aniston will start nicking kids out of pushchairs in shopping centres, and he won't want that on his conscience.
You hear that deafening crash every couple of seconds? Yeah, ignore it, it's just Jennifer Aniston's biological clock going off. You see, Jennifer Aniston has told EW that although all the speculation over her supposed pregnancy turned out to be completely false, she's still 'longing' to experience motherhood because motherhood is 'definitely in her future'. So if we were John Mayer, we'd think about getting our bloody act together. Keep her waiting for a baby much longer and it seems likely that Jennifer Aniston will start nicking kids out of pushchairs in shopping centres, and he won't want that on his conscience.
Gossip: Gossip Girl Girl Kelly Rutherford Is Pregnant
Nothing makes us happier than when a woman from a TV show we never watch announces that she's got a bun in the oven. So congratulations to Kelly Rutherford, who we're told is a) a star of Gossip Girl and b) pregnant. We're not experts on Gossip Girl or pregnancy, but we hear one involves backache, uncontrollable mood swings, a slack bladder, nausea and rabid constipation. The other one is pregnancy. This will be Kelly Rutherford's second child, following the birth of her... really, are you still actually reading this? Are people genuinely interested in Kelly Rutherfords's pregnancy? Weirdos.
Nothing makes us happier than when a woman from a TV show we never watch announces that she's got a bun in the oven. So congratulations to Kelly Rutherford, who we're told is a) a star of Gossip Girl and b) pregnant. We're not experts on Gossip Girl or pregnancy, but we hear one involves backache, uncontrollable mood swings, a slack bladder, nausea and rabid constipation. The other one is pregnancy. This will be Kelly Rutherford's second child, following the birth of her... really, are you still actually reading this? Are people genuinely interested in Kelly Rutherfords's pregnancy? Weirdos.
Mariah Carey Either Pregnant Or A Bit Mental Again
Is Mariah Carey pregnant? Mariah Carey says "What? Me? Pregnant? Um, I'm, er, hey! Look over there! Balloons!" Or words to that effect, anyway. We've been hearing a few rumours recently suggesting that Mariah Carey and her still husband Nick Cannon have got a baby on the way. And despite her prickly diva reputation, Mariah Carey is only to happy to directly address these rumours. OK, not completely directly. But Mariah Carey will break into a deep sweat, shuffle awkwardly in her seat, giggle nervously, spout all kinds of tangential gibberish and look around anxiously for someone, anyone, who can put an end to the torture she's going through if you do happen to ask her about pregnancy. Which, by chance, is exactly what Mariah Carey did on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today.
Is Mariah Carey pregnant? Mariah Carey says "What? Me? Pregnant? Um, I'm, er, hey! Look over there! Balloons!" Or words to that effect, anyway. We've been hearing a few rumours recently suggesting that Mariah Carey and her still husband Nick Cannon have got a baby on the way. And despite her prickly diva reputation, Mariah Carey is only to happy to directly address these rumours. OK, not completely directly. But Mariah Carey will break into a deep sweat, shuffle awkwardly in her seat, giggle nervously, spout all kinds of tangential gibberish and look around anxiously for someone, anyone, who can put an end to the torture she's going through if you do happen to ask her about pregnancy. Which, by chance, is exactly what Mariah Carey did on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today.
Why Can’t That Pregnant Man Keep It In His Pants? WHY?
Readers, we can now die and go to heaven - we've just seen the most confusing and slightly gut-churning thing we'll ever see. It's a picture of Thomas Beatie - the famous pregnant man from a few months ago - topless, pregnant and flexing his biceps into a mirror. It's weird. It's like that scene from American Psycho where Christian Bale is gazing at his muscles in the middle of the threesome, but a few months after he's managed to get himself pregnant. Weird. Weird. Why are we telling you this? Because we saw it while reading that Thomas Beatie has got himself pregnant again. Look, we know what you're thinking - usually one child is enough for a bearded mother of nonspecific gender - but we can totally see his rationale behind getting pregnant again. Now Thomas Beatie's children will both have someone to cling onto in terror when their parents tell them how they were born.
Readers, we can now die and go to heaven - we've just seen the most confusing and slightly gut-churning thing we'll ever see. It's a picture of Thomas Beatie - the famous pregnant man from a few months ago - topless, pregnant and flexing his biceps into a mirror. It's weird. It's like that scene from American Psycho where Christian Bale is gazing at his muscles in the middle of the threesome, but a few months after he's managed to get himself pregnant. Weird. Weird. Why are we telling you this? Because we saw it while reading that Thomas Beatie has got himself pregnant again. Look, we know what you're thinking - usually one child is enough for a bearded mother of nonspecific gender - but we can totally see his rationale behind getting pregnant again. Now Thomas Beatie's children will both have someone to cling onto in terror when their parents tell them how they were born.
