Is it just us that imagines Jennifer Aniston in a constant state of tears? She probably cries at adverts on the telly. She probably cries when she needs a piss. Unless, of course, we’ve got her all wrong. And it seems we have because far from being a soppy git, she’s actually something of a menace to society.
Once upon a time, Aniston was little more than a popular haircut and someone who didn’t wear a bra for two seasons of Friends (you noticed too, eh?). Then, when she split-up with Brad Pitt, she seemed more fragile than the bones in a mouse’s toe.
Now she’s saying that women can have a baby and they don’t need a man to help them with it! Read More >>>
While she was pregnant, Jessica Alba had quite the sideline in describing every single aspect of the pregnancy in excruciating detail.
Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba’s baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead.
Anyway, we’re judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she’s concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we’ll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.
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The king of punching above his weight has attempted to strike another blow for weird-looking men everywhere.
Yes, Billy-Bob Thornton has made claims that Angelina Jolie may come crawling back to him at some point, once she’s done with her relationship with that Brad Pitt character. We’re not sure when that will be, mind, as she has just about to have some of those child things, with Pitt serving up half of the chromosomes in the deal.
But hey – he’s already had a crack at her, so why shouldn’t ol’ Billy-Bob be confident?
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A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’.
According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.
They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl’s attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.
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Rumour has it that one single sperm out of the millions and millions found in Jay-Z’s roca-jizz has won the race to fertilize Beyonce’s little ovarian egg.
According to Actress Archives, Beyonce was recently spotted in NYC with her belly seemingly being pushed out from the inside – a phenomenon synonymous with pregnant women. And fat people. And people with hernias. And people with pillows under their shirt.
But, what with the recent out-of-the-blue wedding reports, pregnancy is the most realistic choice and, according to OK! Magazine, a source close to the couple told them:
“I’ve heard from at least two people that Beyonce is pregnant.”
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The whole 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate has literally been the one major talking point of everyone in the universe over the last few weeks.
Actually, that's a lie. The 'Angelina Jolie: is she pregnant or isn't she pregnant' debate hasn't been anything like a talking point at all because the answer is yes, Angelina Jolie is very obviously pregnant and only an idiot would question it.
And to make it clearer, Angelina Jolie was seen at an awards show this weekend in a tiny dress with her belly poking out. So it's either pregnancy or irritable bowel syndrome; something we've chosen to uncover by hooking a secret microphone up to Angelina Jolie's arse and measuring how loud and messy-sounding all her farts are. Honestly, you can thank us later.
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Having seen several of her films, we thought that the only emotions Jessica Alba could convincingly portray were low-level dimness and moderate-level dimness.
How wrong we were – it turns out that Jessica Alba is also pretty good at ferocious anger, too. Apparently pregnancy hormones have sent Jessica Alba so mental that she keeps throwing her boyfriend Cash Warren out of their house.
At least Jessica Alba is blaming it on the pregnancy hormones, but she should be more honest – if we'd let a man called Cash knock us up we'd be pretty bloody livid too.
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Britney Spears may look and act as mad as a big donkey, but don't ever doubt her resourcefulness.
It's only been a few days since Britney Spears' disturbing meltdown saw her lose all visitation rights to her children for a month, but already Britney Spears has decided that if she can't see her kids she'll just grow another one inside her.
That's right – Britney Spears might be pregnant again. Be afraid.
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