Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
I am VERY hesitant to announce that Beyoncé and Jay Z have welcomed their twins into the world. I say hesitant because neither Beyoncé or Jay Z’s people have actually announced anything.
However, multiple media outlets, including the gossip Bible, Us Weekly, are reporting that Beyoncé gave birth to a little boy and a little girl this past Monday.
If there is one thing I’ve learned about R & B singer Ciara, it’s that she doesn’t have a type. She went from dating fugly, no-talent rapper 50 Cent, to being engaged to sexy rapper and father to multiple children, Future, to marrying Jesus’ bff (and football player), Russell Wilson.
While Future, the father to Ciara’s 2-year-old son (also named Future), throws his dick around so much he gets a new bitch pregnant every year and may have ended Scottie Pippen’s 20-year marriage, Russell is all about that Jesus life and wanted to wait until marriage before throwing Ciara the D.
You know how Jennifer Aniston has been DEFINITELY PREGNANT like, a million times?? And every time bitch walks around in a bikini to show off her toned tummy as a big ol middle finger to everyone? Well, it’s been a similar situation for Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake, though on a smaller scale.? There have been rumors multiple times that Biel was about to add some curves to her boyish figure, but each time they have proven to be untrue.
This time around, however, there have been a few people who have slipped up by opening their big mouths and basically have confirmed that there is truth to the rumors now.? I believe nothing until Lance Bass or Joey Fatone Instagrams a congratulations in the form of an N’SYNC meme.
I feel like I kind of totally forgot that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively were married.? They started dating quietly, got married quietly, and now that Lively doesn’t seem to act much anymore (hopefully due to the fact that she realized she sucks at is), they aren’t often up there in my “celebrities I give a crap about” log book.
But now that the two have announced they are having a baby, I care again.? As if having one spawn created from the sperm of a gorgeous, famous Ryan wasn’t enough, we are now lucky enough to have two.? Yes, Ryan Reynolds may not be nearly as sweet or feminist approved as Gosling, but one cannot deny those abs.
Christina Aguilera is basically the epitome of a classy lady.? From her Oompa Loompa skin care regiment, to her clown hooker lips,?to her Clorox approved hair, Christina just screams “elegance.”
In keeping with that theme, Aguilera has decided to grace?her newborn baby girl with a really special name.? As if her life wasn’t about to be hard enough with Christina as her mother.? You know bitch will be that embarrassing “cool” mom in the mini skirts, half in the bag, at the soccer games.
According to a few news sources, the most perfect sensitive man in the world, Ryan Gosling, has decided to bless the world with?a tiny human made from his ideal DNA.? Since humans can’t just create babies on their own, this means he needed a female, so technically the baby is half Eva Mendes’.
Considering the last time I wrote about these two, it was because word on the street was that they had broken up (IF ONLY), I don’t know how much I believe this to be truth.
A few weeks ago when Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher got engaged, a lot of people (including myself) started dropping the “b” word because we just couldn’t understand why Kunis would be idiotic enough to get married to a dude who blatantly couldn’t keep it in his pants during his last marriage.? They refused to come right out and deny that Mila was indeed knocked up, which 99% of the time in Hollywood is the passive?way of saying “yes.”
But now an “anonymous source” has come out and said that yup, Kutcher Ashton’ed in Mila’s Kunis and soon the world will be blessed with a baby created by Jackie and Kelso.
Scarlett Johansson recently got all sexy with a glass of homemade pop during her Soda Stream commercial that she basically sold her soul and convictions for.? It was all “Look at my hot body and buy this crappy ass carbonation machine for your gross tap water even though the company totally violates some human rights and laws! YAY money!”? She eventually lost her role as an Ambassador for OXFAM.
Well, now it kind of makes sense.? Being a role model for humanity doesn’t pay, but being a spokeswoman for a corporations totally does and it seems ScarJo had a very good reason for choosing money over rights.? Girlfriend is full of baby!? Plus, she was able to rock that body one more time before those hips widen and her boobs never look the same way again.
Technically,?I guess I could have said ‘Weston Cage Is?Going To Be A Father” but then most of you?would have went “Who?” and ended up Googling him?before you even read what I had to say.? Then you’d inevitably read some other blogger’s article and forget about me, I’d get a case of the sads,?which would cause me to drink way too much boxed wine, and I’d end up pantless crying over my wasted Bachelor’s degree in English and wondering where I went wrong in life (side bar- where I went right is more like it bitches?(yes side bar again, I’ve already opened my first box anyway.? Oops!)).
Sorry, back on topic.? Yup Weston, the Hot Topic circa 2003 son of Nicolas Cage, is expecting a child with his wife, thus continuing the cycle of the mentally unstable raising the next generation of crazies.?? I can’t wait to see what kind of obnoxious crap Nic Cage will buy for his future grandson that will get repo’d within 6 months because Cage is allergic to paying his bills.
Well that was fast.? Kelly Clarkson just got married about .02 seconds ago to Reba McEntire’s step son, Brandon Blackstone, and she?is already?subscribing to emails from Huggies?and deciding whether to put elephant or monkey decals?on the walls.
Just last week she was telling Jay Leno her husband and she were humping like rabbits, but refused to confirm or deny anything.? And as everyone knows, a lack of denial is basically an admittance to the truth.
Oh, and elephants?by the way.?? Always go with elephants.
