Michael Jackson did not want to be buried. Everybody knows this – plus there’s no plot of ground that could possibly hold his greatness anyway.

On top of that – it’s common knowledge that in a 1987 Esquire magazine interview he clearly stated that upon death, in place of burial he wished his skeleton to be disassembled and turned into the world’s smallest roller coaster. As we understand it, his jaw bone was to be the car, and he envisioned mostly mice riding it.

Well whatever happens to his body – it’s not happening on his birthday. His funeral’s been pushed back again.

In the long history of the world there have been certain cannibalistic tribes that have sprung up. They made a practice of eating their enemies under the misconception that if they did so, they could gain their strength.

We want you to know that even with that in mind we’d still be pretty hesitant to throw Michael on the barbie. Sure, our dancing ability might improve a touch, but right now we really like our nose, and if he gets in our head that might change. Our mother could become so distressed.

Plus he always looked chewy.

Unfortunately, should we change our minds, we’d have plenty of time to find where they’re refrigerating his corpse and plot an elaborate Ocean’s 11 style robbery. Of course our version would have a much more grotesque ending, you know if Michael’s not cooked enough. Plus there’s always the risk of food poisoning when meat gets that old. It’s really a lot to think about – but we should have plenty of time. That’s because his burial‘s been pushed back again.

E! News says:

“Michael Jackson fans will have to wait a little while longer before their idol can finally rest in peace. What had been billed as a birthday burial for the late King of Pop on Aug. 29 at Forest Lawn Memorial Park has now been postponed to give the Jackson clan more time to prepare for the funeral. Joe Jackson told E! News Thursday that he doesn’t know when his son will be laid to rest, that there are still more things needed to get in order. So instead of doing it on what would’ve been his 51st birthday, they’ve opted to push the 10 a.m. burial service at the Holly Terrace in the cemetery’s Great Mausoleum back.”

What we’d like to know is this – what else could they possibly have to get in order? He’s been dead for going on two months now. Are they putting on another show but the dancers just aren’t getting it? Are the pallbearer monkeys not taking this seriously enough?

Perhaps it’s because his family likes to step into the freezer seeking Michael’s post-life advice. If his eyes stay frozen and rolled back in his head – that’s a yes.

Anyhow – for some reason the King of Pop is gonna be above ground for a while. And though that may bring comfort to his most ardent fans because they enjoy basking under the same sun as him, let’s remind them that he’s not in the sun. If he were, he’d definitely be spoilt by now.

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We’ve missed Phil Spector. Like many people we see him as the lesbian-haired wobbly old uncle who nobody trusts around women that we never had.

And that’s why we should all be greeting the retrial of Phil Spector over the alleged murder of Lana Clarkson like the celebration it is. For the next few months we get to go over all of Phil Spector’s greatest hits – the funny hair, the driver who he apparently confessed the murder to, the endless scientific discussions about bullet trajectory, the funny hair. The funny hair. And that all starts right now.

Well, OK, not right now. The second crack at the Phil Spector murder trial was set to begin yesterday, but it couldn’t because a juror fell over in the car park and broke his foot, forcing a postponement. Remember that if Phil Spector is found guilty of murder he’ll be given life in jail. So probably about a fortnight at this rate.

Ever since the Phil Spector murder trial collapsed in on itself last year, we’ve felt like a part of us was missing. You know, the scary part with the terrible hair, the voice that sounds like an ancient version of Sylvester The Cat having a stroke and the unsettling tendency to point guns at women.

We’ve been engulfed in a wave of uncertainty ever since. Did Phil Spector shoot Lana Clarkson in the face because she wouldn’t sleep with him? Did Lana Clarkson kill herself because she was depressed? Could Phil Spector’s haircuts physically get any gayer? Do we really have to go through everything again?

Apparently we do. It’s been just over a year since the Phil Spector murder trial ended with a deadlocked jury, and the time inbetween has been spent regrouping for the retrial. Both the prosecution and the defence have hunkered down, reflected on their respective weaknesses and assessed where to go in for the kill next time around.

And since yesterday was the first day of the Phil Spector murder trial redux, we were eager to see what had changed. Had Phil Spector’s choice to pick a more streamlined defence been a wise one? Has he finally worked out a decent response for that time he said that all women were ‘fucking cunts’ who deserved to be shot in the head? Would his decision to grow a new haircut that makes him look like Liam Gallagher in a rainstorm win him support, or yet more mockery?

The truth is, we just don’t know – apart from the last one, obviously (the answer is ‘yet more mockery’) – because on the way into the court to start the first day of the new Phil Spector murder trial, one of the jurors tripped over and broke his foot. The Press Association reports:

Music producer Phil Spector’s murder retrial was held up on its first day after a juror fell in the court car park and broke his foot. Superior Court Judge Larry Fidler said he spoke to the juror, who wanted to get medical attention and return on Monday.

It’s frustrating, we know, but both sides of this case now have a perfect opportunity to take this weekend to really intensify their courtroom tactics. The prosecution will no doubt be redoubling its efforts to claim that women don’t just shoot themselves in the face in the doorway of a sexually-aggressive midget’s house without taking their handbags off first.

And as for Phil Spector’s defence? Well, it won’t exactly hurt to make his hair a little bit more lesbiany again. It’s what the people want.

Well this is a pisser – we're going to have to wait four months longer than we expected to see Tom Cruise running around dressed up a tiny, one-eyed Nazi.

Valkyrie, the movie where Tom Cruise inexplicably attempts to make his box office comeback as a kooky Nazi officer attempting to kill Hitler with some luggage, has seen its release date pushed back from October to February.

The signs are clear – by releasing Valkyrie so close to the Oscars, Tom Cruise has effectively admitted he doesn't stand a chance of winning an Oscar for it. A shame, since 2009 sees the launch of the Academy's inaugural Best One-Eyed Nazi Played By A Fading Egotist With Downright Odd Religious Beliefs trophy. Still, at least now Mel Gibson has a clear run at the prize with his upcoming role in The Fantastical Contraptions Of Professor Baron Von Cyclops.

Although Tom Cruise has everything that all men dream of – his own movie studio, a wife who's never displayed a single drop of emotion and more car crash skills than trained paramedics – he hasn't really got anything approaching a film career right now.  

After his increasingly bewildering behaviour kicked the legs out from underneath Mission: Impossible III, Tom has struggled to make films again. Sumner Redstone sacked Tom from Paramount because he was so weird, and then the big Tom Cruise comeback movie Lions For Lambs died a violent death at the box office because only about four people went to to see it, and three walked out halfway through when they realised it wasn't actually about lambs. 

And that means that Tom Cruise has banked everything he's got on Valkyrie, the movie where Tom Cruise tries to kill Hitler by adopting a spookily similar haircut, or something. Making it was a brave move because a) people dislike Tom Cruise, b) people dislike war films and c) it was directed by the man behind Superman Returns, which was shit.

Factor in a couple of production problems, like some injured extras and the way that Germany banned Tom Cruise because he's so weird and the whole thing looks so uphill that it's bound to be doomed to failure. But if anyone can make Valkyrie a success, then it's Tom Cruise, right?

Maybe not. Now the latest bad news to hit Valkyrie is that its prime Oscar-friendly October release date has been shoved back to the conclusively Oscar unfriendly month of February. The LA Times reports:

"'United Artists and MGM have pushed back the release of Bryan Singer’s Tom Cruise starrer Valkyrie from Oct 3 to Feb 13,' reports Variety. That means the studios are diminishing the high Oscar expectations surrounding the Nazi thriller that previously had an awards-friendly release date. Smart move…. At this point in his fragile career, Cruise just needs to crank out a successful film taken seriously by film critics and movie-goers. Oscar voters can wait."

Great, Friday the 13th. That'll instill a whole lot of confidence in Tom Cruise, we're sure.

But let's be serious, Valkyrie hasn't been shunted back to any old February opening – it's going to be MGM's showcase movie for Presidents Day weekend. You know, Presidents Day. The weekend that Jumper did quite well at this year. And Ghost Rider the previous year. Come on, you must know – it's the weekend where movie studios put out summer films that clearly aren't good enough to be released in the actual summer.

So Tom Cruise has lost all hopes of Oscar glory, plus his studio is showing signs of losing faith with his movie, but people are still going to go an watch Valkyrie in their millions, right?

Actually, we're not so sure about that either. Let's not forget that this new Valkyrie release date clashes with the Super Pet Expo in King Of Prussia, PA. And given the choice between subjecting yourself to yet another insufferable Tom Cruise ego fluff or an afternoon spent looking at a cuddly little puppies, what would you do?

Read more:

'Valkyrie' release switch takes Oscar heat off Tom Cruise - LA Times 

There's no way of politely putting this, so we'll just go ahead and say it – Dolly Parton's breasts are pure evil.

Alright, maybe pure evil is a bit of an overstatement – it's not like they're responsible for more than maybe five or six global atrocities – but you can't deny that Dolly Parton's breasts are a right old couple of bastards. 

Why? Because Dolly Parton's boobs are so big that they've knackered her back and forced her to cancel an entire tour. Where are we supposed to get our fix of ancient, massive-boobed, rootin'-tootin' country and western music now? Keith Urban?

Ever since Whitney Houston rerecorded her song I Will Always Love You, Dolly Parton hasn't had to do anything, apart from directing the 16 money trucks that visit her house every day to the giant abandoned quarry she uses as a royalty landfill. Sure, Dolly Parton gets out now and again to see what Rotherham looks like or to hear Jessica Simpson massacre one of her songs, but mainly she doesn't do a whole lot these days.

However, Dolly Parton is an artist, and from time to time a fire is lit beneath her to create brand new country music and travel around America playing it to the crosseyed and toothless truckers who'll appreciate it most. But as much as Dolly Parton would like to go on tour, there are a couple of things trying to hold her back.

Her boobs.

As well as the songs and the big hair and the semi-successful movie career and the theme-park, Dolly Parton is probably best known for having breasts like two lead-filled dinosaur eggs. While the obvious upside to Dolly Parton's titanic knockers is that creepy weirdos still think "Woar, Dolly Parton!" even though she's now 62 years old, the downside is that the epic gravitational pull of her boobs have twisted Dolly Parton's spine into something that looks like a question mark drawn by a horse with a paintbrush in its mouth.

And that means that Dolly Parton's tour is off, as Reuters reports:

Dolly Parton's breasts may be two of the wonders of the entertainment world, but the country music icon says they are a pain in her back. Parton, 62, said on Monday she would postpone her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her to take it easy for six to eight weeks to rest her sore back. "Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems," the folksy singer-songwriter said in a statement.

It's a double shame, because Dolly Parton's tour was to help promote Backwoods Barbie, her first new proper country album for 17 years. But it isn't all bad, because the tour should be back on the road in a couple of months. And then we'll get to hear Dolly Parton debut her new songs like Ow My Back, Breasty But Hump-Backed and the poignant tear-jerker You Stupid Tits, I Oughta Chop You Off.

Read more:

Dolly Parton postpones tour, blames breasts – Reuters