Michael Jackson did not want to be buried. Everybody knows this – plus there’s no plot of ground that could possibly hold his greatness anyway.
On top of that – it’s common knowledge that in a 1987 Esquire magazine interview he clearly stated that upon death, in place of burial he wished his skeleton to be disassembled and turned into the world’s smallest roller coaster. As we understand it, his jaw bone was to be the car, and he envisioned mostly mice riding it.
Well whatever happens to his body – it’s not happening on his birthday. His funeral’s been pushed back again.
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We’ve missed Phil Spector. Like many people we see him as the lesbian-haired wobbly old uncle who nobody trusts around women that we never had.
And that’s why we should all be greeting the retrial of Phil Spector over the alleged murder of Lana Clarkson like the celebration it is. For the next few months we get to go over all of Phil Spector’s greatest hits – the funny hair, the driver who he apparently confessed the murder to, the endless scientific discussions about bullet trajectory, the funny hair. The funny hair. And that all starts right now.
Well, OK, not right now. The second crack at the Phil Spector murder trial was set to begin yesterday, but it couldn’t because a juror fell over in the car park and broke his foot, forcing a postponement. Remember that if Phil Spector is found guilty of murder he’ll be given life in jail. So probably about a fortnight at this rate.
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Well this is a pisser – we're going to have to wait four months longer than we expected to see Tom Cruise running around dressed up a tiny, one-eyed Nazi.
Valkyrie, the movie where Tom Cruise inexplicably attempts to make his box office comeback as a kooky Nazi officer attempting to kill Hitler with some luggage, has seen its release date pushed back from October to February.
The signs are clear – by releasing Valkyrie so close to the Oscars, Tom Cruise has effectively admitted he doesn't stand a chance of winning an Oscar for it. A shame, since 2009 sees the launch of the Academy's inaugural Best One-Eyed Nazi Played By A Fading Egotist With Downright Odd Religious Beliefs trophy. Still, at least now Mel Gibson has a clear run at the prize with his upcoming role in The Fantastical Contraptions Of Professor Baron Von Cyclops.
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There's no way of politely putting this, so we'll just go ahead and say it – Dolly Parton's breasts are pure evil.
Alright, maybe pure evil is a bit of an overstatement – it's not like they're responsible for more than maybe five or six global atrocities – but you can't deny that Dolly Parton's breasts are a right old couple of bastards.
Why? Because Dolly Parton's boobs are so big that they've knackered her back and forced her to cancel an entire tour. Where are we supposed to get our fix of ancient, massive-boobed, rootin'-tootin' country and western music now? Keith Urban?
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