Ever woke up in the morning and thought to yourself “Hey! You know what I’d like to see today? A fat Northerner stapling someone’s mouth to an anus while jerking himself off with sandpaper!” Have you?

Then chances are, you’re Tom Six, the director of The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), and barely anyone else.

See, the film has taken a hilarious £942 at the box office after opening in the UK last weekend. Basically, no-one wants to see it AND pay for it. We suspect that it has been streamed and downloaded online (uncut) more times than anyone settling down in a cheese smelling cinema has.

Of course, Tom Six will no doubt blame this dreadful showing on the fact that two minutes and 37 seconds removed from it so it could obtain an 18 certificate for release.

Fact is, like the first film, it was trying way too hard to show and people were pretty bored by the notion.

Six slammed censors the British Board of Film Classification’s (BBFC) when they rejected his movie in June.

He said:

“Apparently I made a horrific horror film, but shouldn’t a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a fucking MOVIE. It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art.”

The first Human Centipede didn’t fare too well either, taking £6,145 in 2010. Basically, both films combined have made about enough profit to have a medium sized wedding.

How lovely.

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It’s time for the release of Human Centipede 2! Hurray! How we love a romantic comedy about a crazy copycat torturer and self-pleasuring yourself with stuff purloined from the tool box while being shouted at by your mum!

Is Hugh Grant in it?

Anyway, as the film is getting shown (States only thus far, but Limey won’t have long to wait, don’t fret) and such, so we thought we’d give you some teasers in the shape of some stills from the film (they’re very pleasant) and the promotional poster (tastefully minging) for you to gawp at. Ready?

*WARNING* This article contains spoilers. Of course, anyone watching this film for a gripping plot is a complete idiot, but we have to say these things just in case.

If you don’t know the set-up, Human Centipede 2 follows Martin. Martin, like everyone called Martin, is a mentally disturbed loner. He lives with his mother who, the press release refers to as “his harridan mother”, which is just brilliant.

The lousiness of life pushes this victim of sexual and psychological abuse over the edge into a jolly, child-friendly romp where he turns his rubbish job as a security guard into a vehicle to indulge his obsession with The Human Centipede. Y’know, the first film?

Oh, and he makes a scrapbook, lovingly filled with memorabilia from the film, including the mouth-to-anus surgery instructions made famous by Dr. Heiter, the mad scientist from Martin’s favorite film (Care Bears: The Movie, a close second).

Anyway, Martin – like anyone – filled with abuse and haunting mental voices, goes about emulating Heiter’s centipede by creating his own version. He fills a warehouse with idiots like a loud neighbour, two drunk nightclubbers… and best of all, one of the actresses from The Human Centipede (First Sequence).

How hilarious is that?

Then, he gets out the duct tape, staple gun and household tools. Wanna see some pictures from it? Well first, we’ll give you the promotional poster, which is regrettably tasteful. Well, as tasteful as a big gnarly insect on someone’s genitals can be.

Here’s the stills.

images via IFC FILMS

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Dane Cook is a talentless hack, unfunny to the nth degree and now, it would seem, is something of a preening twit about his image.

In hecklerspray‘s opinion, of course.

Aside from running around on stage, being both sickeningly popular and yet managing to remain devoid of any actual ‘comedy’ – a special achievement for a comedian, no doubt – Dane Cook is now complaining about the poster for his new movie, My Best Friend’s Girl, because on it he looks weird.

What the actual issue is, we’re not sure – he always looks weird to us.

Posting on his MySpace blog, Cook lambasted the poster, whoever made it, Photoshop, his own face, some other things and… well, we got bored, because he’s even less funny than we are on our bad days. Instead of reading it we just went back to the enlightening YouTube videos that claim he steals his jokes from other, less-known, funnier comedians.

Not like that’s ever happened in stand up before now, is it? Just as it’s not like mainstream bands steal from ones on the underground, Hollywood steals from indie cinema and advertising steals from everything that’s ever existed ever. Unfounded, ridiculous allegations. In a way.

Anyway, we would go and post all of Dane’s lovely blog, but it’s really long and boring, full of the type of sitting-on-the-fence language where he wants to slate the poster and whoever was involved in its creation while at the same time making sure to go on about how great the movie itself is, just so he doesn’t fall foul of the studio bigwigs.

And they say integrity is overrated.

Part of the blog, at least, said these words:

Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

The rant went on:

The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.

Well, at least we know he can’t spell now. Just another thing to add to the list.

There’s a lot more of it, but it’s all ‘ho ho ho look at me I’m a funny man!’ pseudo-criticism that makes him look like more of a whiny prat than normal, so we’ll just stick with those two bits for now. If you want to find the rest, go to MySpace and search for ‘overrated hack’.

Anywho, in the list of Dane’s complaints, he mouths off about his face, his skin, his eyes, what he’s wearing and just about everything else about his image. Does that mean he’s resorted to stealing hecklerspray‘s material too? We are more than happy to have a go at him for all of those things, you see. We’ll have to adapt and go for his personality as well, just to see if he’ll follow suit.

That would be a blog post worth reading.

Keira Knightley is perfectly comfortable within her own body, which is odd because there’s really not much room in there.

So when people try messing about with the way she looks, Keira Knightley gets all stroppy. For example, the publicity department of Keira Knightley’s latest movie The Duchess think the film will be more popular if the film’s posters are airbrushed to give Keira Knightley a giant pair of knockers.

And, quite rightly, Keira Knightley has put her foot down. Her body is her body and she doesn’t want to mislead anybody about it. Besides, The Duchess is a costume drama, so the only way anyone can make the film popular is to airbrush a load of dinosaurs and robots and explosions and the phrase ‘It’s OK boys – you see nipples!’ onto the poster. Any fool knows that.

Keira Knightley has always been a bit touchy about certain things. She’s always complaining about the amount of attention she gets, but she usually does it from the front cover of magazines. It’s her body, though, that gets Keira Knightley really riled up.

Keira’s always been strangely bullish about how she looks. She’s happy to admit that she’s skinny, but if you actually call her skinny, Keira Knightley will sue you. And although she’s gone on record in the past about how much she wants bigger breasts, if you try and actually give Keira Knightley bigger breasts she’ll throw a little tiny tantrum about it.

That’s something the studio behind Keira Knightley’s new film The Duchess is starting to discover. The Duchess is about Georgiana Cavendish, the 18th century Duchess of Devonshire – a woman famous for being a bit posh and… look, it doesn’t matter. You’re not going to see The Duchess. Nobody is. It’ll come out, nobody will watch it, Keira Knightley will get nominated for an Oscar for it, nobody will watch it and that’s that.

However, the studio behind The Duchess apparently does want people to go and see it, and its answer was to artificially pump up Keira Knightley’s boobs on the movie poster. It’s simple psychology – increase the size of Keira Knightley’s tits on the poster and men will pay to see the movie, subconsciously believing it to be a porno. It’s true – we only went to see Driving Miss Daisy because of Jessica Tandy‘s rocking cleavage on the poster.

But Keira Knightley isn’t having any of it. According to reports, she’s demanded that her boobs stay the same size on posters for The Duchess. Marie Clare reports:

Film studios bosses apparently wanted to enlarge Knightley’s assets in the photos so she appears more buxom in her low-cut period costumes, but the actress has put her foot down and said no. One insider revealed: ‘She has insisted that her figure stay in its natural state. She is proud of her body and doesn’t want it altered.’

Good! In these image-driven times it’s refreshing to see a young lady such as Keira Knightley take control of her identity, to stand up to the ruling patriarchy and firmly assert that she is spirited, independent and proud of her own body. Well done Keira Knightley.

We’re still not going to see your film, though. Seriously, it’s looks fucking dreadful. And your tits look rubbish in it, too.

Looking forward to the new Friday The 13th movie? No?

Have all the pointless sequels to Friday The 13th, like Friday The 13th Part 2, Part 3, The Final Chapter, A New Beginning, The New Blood, Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Lives, Jason Goes To Hell, Jason X and Freddy Vs Jason destroyed all the enthusiasm you ever had for the movies in the first place? Yes?

Does the idea of a new Friday The 13th remake produced by Michael Bay and directed by a bloke who used to do Simply Red videos whet your appetite? No?

Well what about this – a new, just-unveiled teaser poster for the Friday The 13th remake due out next year?

Still no? Yeah, us too, actually.

Courtesy of Latinoreview