Remember when Michael Barrymore was such a big deal that America wanted to steal him and put him on US television? His mixture of long limbs and open-contempt for gameshow contestants really was a winning formula in light entertainment!

And who could forget his touching tribute to the fallen Notorious B.I.G. which saw Barrymore rapping ‘I’ll Be Missing You’ on My Kind Of Music?

Alas, an incident in his scrotum shaped swimming pool with Stuart Lubbock saw that his career nosedived quicker than a Japanese WWII pilot, leaving him to appear ghost-like in Celebrity Big Brother. So what’s he been doing since? Well, if you must know, the answer appears to be ‘loads of coke’.

We must point out that we don’t actually know if Barrymore has been doing loads of cocaine. What we do know is that, before a judge, he admitted cocaine possession when he appeared in court following an early-morning car collision.

After a prang in his Citroen, Bazzamore was held after officers on routine patrol discovered the scene at the junction of The Vale and Dordrecht Road.

We included the street names on the off-chance you’d like to make it some kind of Barrymore shrine. And who wouldn’t?

Either way, he was found to have coke on him – he may have been holding it for a friend or, indeed, just had a little on him for special occasions – and a law wanted a word.

He admitted possessing cocaine during an appearance at Ealing Magistrates’ Court today, while a second charge of being drunk and disorderly, was withdrawn.

He was fined a total of £780, which buys a decent about of cocaine, should you be the kind of person who needs to blot out that nagging voice that persistently tells you that you cocked up your hugely successful career by being a wreckless nitwit.

Oh well. There’s always drink. He’s not a recovering alcoholic as well is he?

Well sod him then. He’s made his bloody bed, so he can pissing well lie in it. We’re not wiping his backside forever, y’know?

Steve-O might be stupid enough to staple his balls to his thigh night after night for fun and profit, but it turns out he’s not that stupid.

By which we mean that Steve-O is smart enough to plead guilty to cocaine possession after he filmed himself smashing up his neighbour’s house on drugs and then blogged extensively about his battle to the same drugs.

As a result of his guilty plea, it’s been announced that Steve-O’s only punishment for his March drug bust will be the rehab stint that he’s already partially through. And now that he’s clean, Steve-O knows that next time he staples his nuts to his leg it’ll be out of genuine mental dysfunction or self-loathing rather than drug addiction. Three cheers!

You know, we’re still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that Steve-O, the Jackass star famous for putting leeches on his eyeball, swimming in sewage and ramming fireworks up his bum, may have issues with drugs. Apparently the signs were there, but you have to admit he kept them well-hidden.

However, any problems that Steve-O may have had with drugs are firmly in the past now. And Steve-O isn’t one of those pussies who run away to rehab at the first sign of trouble – no, Steve-O decided to kick drugs by appearing in public in an increasingly inebriated state, then getting arrested for trashing his neighbour’s apartment while wankered on drugs with shitloads of cocaine on him, then getting admitted into a mental hospital and then going to rehab. That’s the man’s way.

And it’s Steve-O’s dedication to trying to kick his drug habit that’s spared him from serious punishment in court. E! Online reports:

To hear him tell it, Steve-O‘s days of jackassery are behind him and he’s ready for a clean—and sober—slate. The thrill-seeking former MTV star entered a guilty plea today in Los Angeles to a cocaine-possession charge, announcing to the court that he “found God” and has been sober for 85 days. Attorney Barry Gerald Sands tells E! News that because of his client’s commitment and time in rehab, judgment was deferred upon successful completion of his treatment program.

What? Steve-O has found God? What was God doing in rehab? That’s not very encouraging.

But it is timely – tying your penis to a firework and deliberately giving your own mouth papercuts probably isn’t as much fun when you’re not spazzed off your munch on drugs, so it’s just as well that Steve-O has found religion. At worst he’ll be a super christian ambassador for troubled youngsters, and at best Jackass 3 is going to have a wicked awesome crucifixion stunt in it.

That’s assuming that Steve-O joins the clergy, of course – the world is full of suitable positions for mentally-ill drug addicts who polevault into human shit for a living. Ah, no, wait – he’s already done Celebrity Love Island, hasn’t he? Clergy it is, then.

Mischa Barton isn't just that one-time partly famous actress who was in The OC and nothing else at all after that, like you think she is.

No. Because Mischa Barton is also a criminal. That's right – a criminal just like Al Capone and Lil' Kim.

Mischa Barton has just been charged with DUI, driving without a license and pot possession following her arrest just after Christmas. That's bad enough for Mischa Barton, but just imagine how poor Hayden Panettiere feels being the only skinny attention-seeking celebrity not to be charged with driving like some sort of impaired dickwad. Don't worry Hayden! We're on our way! And we're bringing the elephant tranquilisers! You will not be left behind!

Remember when the hot trend among the Hollywood A-listers was a little dog dressed up as a pirate that you could carry around in a handbag? Things were so much simpler then. Now to keep up with the likes of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan you need to get arrested for driving a car out of your mind on booze or drugs. 

Or at least that was the case. As a general rule, when Mischa Barton does anything, she pretty much kills that trend stone dead. And since Mischa Barton got arrested for DUI on December 27, the young and pointless of Hollywood have had to find a new fad. It's been a struggle, with the current hot craze involving wearing a lifesize concrete sheep on your head like an inert livestocky hat.

But forget sheephats, because this is about Mischa Barton – the skinny girl from The OC who left The OC because she thought she was getting too big for it, only to end up doing absolutely nothing at all of worth afterwards. Anyway, two months after her DUI arrest, Mischa Barton has formally been charged, as the New York Daily News reports:

According to court papers, the 21-year-old actress was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs, driving while having a 0.08 percent or higher blood alcohol level, driving without a valid license and possession of 28.5 grams or less of marijuana. The misdemeanor charges are related to her December 27, 2006 arrest in West Hollywood where she was pulled over after police witnessed her car fail to use a turn signal, as well as straddle two lanes. Barton was scheduled to be arraigned on Thursday in Beverly Hills Superior Court.

It'll be interesting to see how Mischa Barton pleads in her upcoming hearings, because if she wants to stay true to the skinny celebrity tradition she'll need to plead not guilty time and time again despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary right up until the last minute when she'll reverse her plea and go to jail anyway. 

To be honest, we're torn between anger and pity for Mischa Barton here. Not because she endangered innocent lives while trying to adhere to the predetermined set of conventions laid out by her peer group, though. No.

Instead, we pity Mischa Barton because she's only roughly the size of an unfolded paperclip, so even an enthusiastic whiff of nutmeg will turn her into a shambling, dribbling uncontrollable mess, let alone any alcohol and pot. And we're angry because Mischa Barton is a British citizen, so she should be able to handle her drink. Well, either handle it or fly into a terrifying rage and stab a policeman to death with a screwdriver. Either way, it's a bitter disappointment.

Read more:

Mischa Barton charged for DUI, pot - New York Daily News