It must be hard being Pippa Middleton; trying to be a serious business woman and gallivanting around London, made all the more difficult because everyone knows you for being the one with the arse that stole your sister’s wedding day.

Poor, poor Pippa.

But a tabloid picture editor has come forward and announced that newspapers would be offered around 300 or 400 pictures PER DAY of the fitter Middleton, none of which are of her arse.

Paul Silver or the Daily Mail says:

“At the moment we have a situation where there must be nine or 10 agencies outside her door every day”

Hold on a minute… The Daily Mail?

Oh, we get it, all those pesky photographers camped outside Pippa’s pad must be a new breed of immigrant paedo paps that have come over here to make our beloved tabloid photographers jobless and bother our favourite Royal relations.

Those utter bastards.

The Mail obviously never run any of these photos, after all, what paper would run pictures of a woman we never hear speak and is effectively just a bit of posh totty that we’d like to think we have a crack at because she’s not an actual Princess like her older sister.

So this abhorrent invasion into Pippa’s private life is all for nothing, those immigrant paedo paps should just take their cameras back to where they come from and leave us all to bask in the warm glow of Pippa’s loveliness, sans pictures of her posterior splashed across the pages. [Her arse isn't literally splashing on the pages, Ed]

But oh wait, some of those 400 pictures sent to the tabloids everyday actually make it into the papers, because no matter how mundane the middle class Middleton is, her face still sells papers, because it’s attached to that arse that everyone keeps harping on about as if they’re banging you over the head with a double cheeked cushion, shouting, “SHE’S GOT A NICE ARSE, DON’T YOU REMEMBER!?”

We should all chip in and get Paul Silva a replica Queen’s Guard outfit that he can wear on that high horse of his.

“DO YOU KNOW THE WAY SESAME STREET?” barked the interrogators to the cold and quivering people at hecklerspray. After several hours of being abused and poked with spatulas we were finally let go, after the US Army finally realised we didn’t know how to get to Sesame Street.

More then likely because it’s not real.

But for once we have to hold our massive hands up and admit that someone does actually know where the sodding place is. Would you believe it, the person in question is the most unlikely of sources; none other then publicity-seeking semi-celebrity and occasional footballer David Beckham.

Perhaps he stumbled on the Street after getting lost on his journey back from training to his fifty-seven bathroomed mansion. You do have to feel sorry for the poor kid, seeing as he has probably just learned the difference between left and right.

The new football season is yet to kick off, meaning it must be the kind of time when all professionals in the game are looking for something to do – if it isn’t polishing up on their roasting skills, then its whoring yourself out for bread-based rewards.

So what are the UK’s finest footballing export and pointless wife thinking of doing to dominate every media opportunity available? Clashing our heads together, we’ve come to realise that the only realistic TV appearances Becks could make would be for his personal mental development – a journey of educational discover in one of America’s fine learning institutions. But which one?

Let’s face it; do you really think that he could turn up to some fancy looking high school like in One Tree Hill without looking out of place? No. In fact, the only place he could squeeze in and almost look like he fit in would be at Bayside High with AC Slater and the gang, as David donned Lycra to try out for the homoerotic wrestling team. Though that’s not really an option now, with most of the Saved By The Bell cast (read: Screech) off doing porn and things.

No, the typical American school (off of TV) is no place for thirty three-year-old bloke with such a hectic lifestyle. As we all know, he’s too busy when he isn’t playing football, looking after his wife and pretending to care about her latest trauma when she doesn’t get the latest pair of six inch Jimmy Choo heels in custard yellow.

So what is the best alternative place of learning for an American? If you haven’t realised already, it’s Sesame Street. The show has been running for thirty nine series and is still going strong – though sadly for the UK, we never recieved the full benefit of the program like our American counterparts, with the show ceasing to be aired in favour of The Hoobs. Strangely though, despite their extra years of education, our friends across the pond still sometimes come across as a bit slow.

Show bosses have picked up on David Beckham‘s fascination with Sesame Street, and though there is the distinct possibility that his young children know better than daddy does that Bert, Ernie, Big Bird and Elmo aren’t actually real, we aren’t about to ruin the illusion. After all, we don’t want tears before the bedtime milk and cookies are served. A source told Closer magazine:

“David has always been a huge fan. When he was a kid he watched it and knew all the characters.”

See! He knows all the characters! All of the people who said that a bag of spanners were more intelligent than David Beckham can just leave the building now.

So what’s he actually going to be doing? Because the show is educational and all that, there isn’t going to be a special football-based version of the programme with David demonstrating his flicks, kicks and other fancy tricks. Closer again informs us that he’ll:

“Teach Elmo how to spell his favourite word. And you never guess what it is! Not posh, foot or ball – it’s persistent.”

Persistent? We thought that ‘ball’ or ‘goal’ would be obvious, but persistent? Could that be used in a sentence commonly uttered by Becks? “My wife is persistent in grabbing limelight for herself” or “My wife is persistent in her quest to not just be written off as a footnote in the history of celebrity.”

Besides, we thought Elmo’s favourite word would be hamburger. You learn something every day it seems.

The start of a new year is a time to wipe the slate clean, to reflect on one’s past negativity and move on determined to right one’s wrongs imbued with a fresh sense of goodwill and radiant positivity.

And that’s why the very first hecklerspray post of 2008 is all about celebrity divorces. Not only that, but it’s a betting odds post, meaning that we’re effectively giving you the chance to make a crazy amount of money by exploiting the misery of others. Over the next couple of days we’re giving you the chance to bet on which celebrity couple will be the first to file for divorce in 2008. Bah, radiant positivity is overrated, anyway.

So here are the celebrity divorce betting odds for Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, Posh and Becks and Ashley and Cheryl Cole, with help from Paddy Power…

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas – It’s a possibility that Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas will file for divorce in 2008, but we can’t see it happening. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have a strong, watertight marriage based on honesty, trust and Catherine’s cat-like ability to wipe liquidised vegetable from Michael’s chin with a napkin before anyone else notices. And anyway, would you try and get your claws on half the Douglas millions if you were Catherine Zeta-Jones? Of course not – you’d wait a couple of years and pick up the whole lot in the will. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 50/1

Christina Aguilera & Jordan Bratman – As anyone with even a semi-functioning set of eyes will be able to tell you, Christina Aguilera is pregnant. Almost disgustingly so – the woman looks like a massive juddering cyst that’s learnt how to wail, for Christ’s sake. So would Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman really file for divorce in the same year as their newborn baby was born? Maybe – after all, Aguilera looks like enough of a nightmare as it is, so imagine what she’d be like after six months of staying awake to let a screaming naked animal chew on her tit. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 25/1

Posh & Becks – Fact: there has never been a marriage  in all of history as strong as that of Posh and Becks. It’s rock solid and based completely on love and not a cynical determination to exploit an invented brand for financial gain like some people think. But 2007 was a tough year for Posh & Becks since they spent much of it apart – with Posh traipsing around the world honking out one single line in the Spice Girls reunion concert and Becks screwing up his big American football move – so will 2008 see a divorce? Oh, we don’t bloody care. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 20/1

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes – In many ways, Katie Holmes is the perfect woman for Tom Cruise because she’s far less famous than him, is largely silent and owns a womb that’s in the perfect shape for blasting out enigmatic Cruise baby after enigmatic Cruise baby. Despite this, the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes marriage has never been completely convincing, so could it all end in divorce this year? Sweet baby Xenu, we hope not – even if it’s all a total sham, we still want Tom and Katie to stay together. Anything that stops Katie Holmes from acting is just dandy by us. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 18/1

Ashley & Cheryl Cole – Has there ever been a celebrity marriage as thunderingly pointless as that of Ashley & Cheryl Cole? They’re just like Posh & Becks but without all the sparkling conversation and intimidating intellectual insight and not a single person would even muster the tiniest fart if they filed for divorce in 2008. Having said that, we do think that Ashley and Cheryl Cole should try as hard as they can to work through whatever marital problems they encounter in 2008, because a divorce would probably spark off a billion different new vapid ghostwritten autobiographies between the pair of them, and we don’t know if our minds could take it. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 10/1

Tomorrow – celebrity divorce betting odds for Jordan and Peter Andre, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar and Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power celebrity divorce betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.