Because, apparently, somebody actually thinks that. There’s currently a huge investigation going on in America after a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding with a boob exposed was apparently copied several times with the intention to post them onto the internet or sell them for profit. And since Jamie Lynn Spears is under the age of 18, the thief could technically be hauled up on a pornography charge.

We think we should probably point out at this juncture that the allegedly stolen photo is of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding her baby, and not of Jamie Lynn Spears being breastfed by her own mother. We know that Jamie Lynn Spears is only young, but that’s no excuse for weirdness.

You know what gives us the horn? Pictures of sexually-irresponsible teenagers having their knockers chewed on by babies. Phwoar.

Of course, we’re joking. If we had to make a list of all the sexiest things in the world, that scenario we just described would be right near the bottom, sandwiched right between ‘your nan doing a striptease to Push It by Salt-N-Pepa‘ and ‘1950s production line videos about minced beef’. But it sounds as if there’s one stone-cold lunatic in the world that does find the idea of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding sexy and, worse still, they think that others might as well.

You see, when she’s not writing notes that make her mother cry or failing to be empathetic towards other sexually-clumsy teenagers, Jamie Lynn Spears has a baby to raise. And, as everybody knows, part of raising a baby as its mother involves jabbing your tit in its mouth from time to time to stop it crying.

And, of course, part of raising a baby as its father involves taking photos of the mother with her tit out, even though you’re basically mugging her of her precious dignity, and then getting the photo printed at Wal-Mart fully aware that several other people will see your teenage girlfriend’s breast in the process and possibly make copies of that breast and try to illegally distribute it for fun and/or profit.

In that case, Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend Casey Aldridge is doing a bang-up job, because a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding that was taken on his camera and printed at a local Wal-Mart could have been duplicated several times by an employee, sparking a federal pornography investigation. The Sun reports:

Casey took a memory card of 12 family pictures to be developed at his local Wal-Mart in Louisiana. In the offending snap, Jamie Lynn’s left breast is exposed as she feeds daughter Maddie. Because she is under 18, selling the pictures, or buying them, could constitute a violation of federal laws prohibiting pornography – even though they weren’t taken for sexual purposes.

Whoever allegedly made copies of these Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding photos must be terrified at the moment – going to jail is bad enough, but going to jail because you got aroused by the sight of 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit, and knowing that you’ll have to use the phrase ‘Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit’ when explaining your gap in employment during all future job interviews, is bound to put the fear of God into you.

But this story isn’t anywhere near as bad as it seems. For instance, Jamie Lynn Spears hasn’t lost the photo of her breastfeeding her baby, she just mistaken allowed it to possibly be copied by someone. And, so long as she still has the original photo, and therefore still has something to show her baby’s appalled friends in years to come, all’s not lost.

And that’s delaying the start of his child pornography trial. For the last six years, R Kelly has kept inventing clever new tricks to put off the trial again and again – but it looks as though his luck might have run out.

At last, tomorrow will see the commencement of the jury selection process for R Kelly’s child pornography trial, effectively locking a start date down for good. And, oh boy, is that going to be one lucky jury – the judge has ruled that R Kelly’s apparently incriminating underage sex tape can be shown in open court. High fives to agreeing to watch a 14-year-old girl get urinated on by R Kelly! Anyone? No?

The Phil Spector murder trial was such a golden time, wasn’t it? In fact, it’s probably hard to think of anything better than watching a tiny old man in a lesbian wig get accused of shooting a depressed woman in the face for months at a time. Except for, at a push, watching a singer who compares himself to Martin Luther King get accused of pissing on a 14-year-old girl’s face during a sex tape for months at a time.

Which is a relief, because that’s what we’ll finally get to see soon enough. After spending six years trying to wriggle out of it, thanks to mountains of pretrial motions and badly-timed births and ladder-based accidents and appendicitis and tired-looking bus drivers, the R Kelly child pornography trial is all set to get underway in Chicago tomorrow.

Or at least the boring jury selection process that precedes the R Kelly child pornography trial, anyway. The New York Daily News reports:

After six years of delays, jury selection is to begin Thursday in the Grammy-winning R&B singer’s trial on child pornography charges – although defense attorneys did throw in a last-minute motion Wednesday seeking another postponement. The case was prompted by a videotape allegedly showing Kelly having sex with a girl as young as 13.

Since R Kelly faces 15 years in jail if he’s found guilty of these charges, his lawyers will want to find the most sympathetic jury possible – a group of people who’ll understand that a man has needs, and that sometimes those needs involve apparently filming himself pissing all over an obviously underage girl’s face. But that tactic might be scuppered by Chicago’s famous lack of stereotypical cartoon Frenchmen.

However, the jury selection process is firmly weighted in the defence’s favour. Since this alleged R Kelly sex tape is the crux of the entire trial, it’s bound to be shown in court at least once – so there’s a chance that the jurors who’ll fight hardest to get on the trial will be the ones who basically enjoy watching child pornography the most. We think that’s how it works, anyway. Urgh.

But still, R Kelly’s jury selection process doesn’t start until tomorrow, so that leaves R Kelly with about 15 or 16 different chances to get the trial postponed again before then. All we’re saying is that we shouldn’t be too surprised if R Kelly suddenly gets his arm bitten off by a shark before teatime. That’s all.

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R. Kelly kid-porn trial creeps forward - NYDN