Look. Look at those Muppet swine. Legless, non-blinking, fix-faced idiots. They are responsible for the moral decay of the entire world, thanks mostly to everyone being despairingly angry about the existence of Muppet Babies.

Worse than the fact Kermit walks around naked all the time, is their awful, awful agenda.

And thank God Fox is on hand to point out how EVIL all the collected Muppets really are. That’s right! hecklerspray and Fox are onto you Henson spawn! We know what you’re up to! When you’re not pushing porn songs at everyone, you’ve got a political agenda to BRAINWASH our innocent little children’s minds with! You ain’t fooling us anymore, you cute little ghoulish lefties!

On the right-minded Fox Business Channel, anchor Eric Bolling showed a clip of the new Disney movie (yes, we’re worried too) and said outright that the whole storyline of the new Muppets film was a nauseating ploy to make our children hate things.

CONSPIRACY!

The whole thing is a vehicle to plant the seeds of class warfare among our precious wickle children! CLASS WARFARE! Why has no-one noticed before?

In their latest piece of propaganda, the Muppets showcase a nasty villain called Tex Richman. He’s an oil baron. As we all know, oil barons are nice people who just want to make an honest living.

Bolling asked:

“What’s actually going on there? Is liberal Hollywood using class warfare to brainwash our kids?”

Brave Bolling was echoed by guest Dan Gainor, who, like a champ, spat:

“They’ve been doing it for decades. Hollywood — they hate the oil industry, they hate corporate America.”

No wonder Occupy Wall Street and the like is happening. They’ve all been taken on a merry dance down the liberal garden path by these fuzzy liberal gits.

And now, at last, someone is prepared to stand up to this menace. Look at Gonzo. How on Earth could anyone not take him seriously?

Hang on.

Those Muppets are pretty sweet, wholesome things aren’t they? They’re all cute and furry and funnier than a politician falling down a manhole. They’ll never get involved in any sex scandals or anything like that… not like stupid human celebs.

BUT WAIT! WHAT’S THIS?!

There’s a big ol’ link from The Muppets to soft core Italian porn! What’s going on? Are all our dreams about to be ruined? Are we actually going to start getting aroused by the new Muppets movie?! Let us explain…

Fret not! Your Muppets are safe with us.

No, this revolves around the famous Muppets tune, ‘Mahna Mahna’. Or, as it should be known, ‘Mah Nà Mah Nà‘. That’s because it’s an Italian song.

And yes, it made a debut in Umiliani’s soundtrack for Italian film Svezia, inferno e paradiso (or, if you want it in English, Sweden: Heaven and Hell). It’s a swinging sixties look about the wild sexual activity in Sweden. They’re all sex-mad in Sweden, right? Right.

The song accompanies a scene set in a sauna and was performed by a band called Marc 4 with the lead part sung by Italian singer/composer Alessandro Alessandroni.

So, can we assume that, when looking for something funny for The Muppets to sing, Jim Henson used his extensive knowledge of softcock porno to pluck Mah Nà Mah Nà from his brains?

God, we hope so.

Anyway, here’s a clip from Svezia, inferno e paradiso and the famous, famous song. And don’t worry, it is totally SAFE FOR WORK.

Enjoy!

Sesame Street. Not nearly as innocent as you think. Seriously. It should be called Sesmutty Street after they threw a load of sexy filth at the eyes of the world’s children, presumably getting big furry erections and laughing at our outrage.

The official line on all of this is that the Sesame Street YouTube channel got taken offline after hackers uploaded pornographic videos.

Big Bird, Elmo and Co. are ruthlessly blaming it on some hacker called ‘Mredxwx’. Mr Ed himself has come out and said it isn’t him, mainly because his hooves and computer keyboards don’t get on. However, we can exclusively reveal that Sesame Street is, and always has been, absolute filth.

You already know that Bert Is Evil, directly involved with the KKK and the JFK assassination. Now, the rest of the gang are peddling smut to the world and blaming it on a hacker/talking horse.

Those dastardly swine at the Children’s Television Workshop posted a message alongside the X Rated material saying:

“Who doesn’t like porn kids?”

While that is 100% correct (everyone likes bongo films), they shouldn’t be so flagrant about it, forcing it upon our children and completely disregarding the thrill of shame we all have when secretly watching knacky films. STOP SPOILING IT FOR US ALL SESAME STREET.

It is estimated that 140,000 subscribing children will have been subjected to sexy times by Cookie Monster and chums. Half a billion filthy clicks! Imagine.

And we’ve got our hands on a screengrab from the Sesame Street YouTube channel during the alleged hack.

The image clearly shows Bert – him again – indulging in bestiality with what appears to be a juvenile two-headed goat. Could the residents of Sesame Street be more offensive?

Ban this sick filth.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

We don’t know who to feel more sorry for – Jamie Lynn Spears or the man who seems to think that a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding is sexy.

Because, apparently, somebody actually thinks that. There’s currently a huge investigation going on in America after a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding with a boob exposed was apparently copied several times with the intention to post them onto the internet or sell them for profit. And since Jamie Lynn Spears is under the age of 18, the thief could technically be hauled up on a pornography charge.

We think we should probably point out at this juncture that the allegedly stolen photo is of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding her baby, and not of Jamie Lynn Spears being breastfed by her own mother. We know that Jamie Lynn Spears is only young, but that’s no excuse for weirdness.

You know what gives us the horn? Pictures of sexually-irresponsible teenagers having their knockers chewed on by babies. Phwoar.

Of course, we’re joking. If we had to make a list of all the sexiest things in the world, that scenario we just described would be right near the bottom, sandwiched right between ‘your nan doing a striptease to Push It by Salt-N-Pepa‘ and ’1950s production line videos about minced beef’. But it sounds as if there’s one stone-cold lunatic in the world that does find the idea of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding sexy and, worse still, they think that others might as well.

You see, when she’s not writing notes that make her mother cry or failing to be empathetic towards other sexually-clumsy teenagers, Jamie Lynn Spears has a baby to raise. And, as everybody knows, part of raising a baby as its mother involves jabbing your tit in its mouth from time to time to stop it crying.

And, of course, part of raising a baby as its father involves taking photos of the mother with her tit out, even though you’re basically mugging her of her precious dignity, and then getting the photo printed at Wal-Mart fully aware that several other people will see your teenage girlfriend’s breast in the process and possibly make copies of that breast and try to illegally distribute it for fun and/or profit.

In that case, Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend Casey Aldridge is doing a bang-up job, because a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding that was taken on his camera and printed at a local Wal-Mart could have been duplicated several times by an employee, sparking a federal pornography investigation. The Sun reports:

Casey took a memory card of 12 family pictures to be developed at his local Wal-Mart in Louisiana. In the offending snap, Jamie Lynn’s left breast is exposed as she feeds daughter Maddie. Because she is under 18, selling the pictures, or buying them, could constitute a violation of federal laws prohibiting pornography – even though they weren’t taken for sexual purposes.

Whoever allegedly made copies of these Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding photos must be terrified at the moment – going to jail is bad enough, but going to jail because you got aroused by the sight of 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit, and knowing that you’ll have to use the phrase ‘Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit’ when explaining your gap in employment during all future job interviews, is bound to put the fear of God into you.

But this story isn’t anywhere near as bad as it seems. For instance, Jamie Lynn Spears hasn’t lost the photo of her breastfeeding her baby, she just mistaken allowed it to possibly be copied by someone. And, so long as she still has the original photo, and therefore still has something to show her baby’s appalled friends in years to come, all’s not lost.

Forget believing he can fly or finding ever-more inventive ways to compare his willy to a car key in songs, R Kelly is only really good at one thing.

And that’s delaying the start of his child pornography trial. For the last six years, R Kelly has kept inventing clever new tricks to put off the trial again and again – but it looks as though his luck might have run out.

At last, tomorrow will see the commencement of the jury selection process for R Kelly’s child pornography trial, effectively locking a start date down for good. And, oh boy, is that going to be one lucky jury – the judge has ruled that R Kelly’s apparently incriminating underage sex tape can be shown in open court. High fives to agreeing to watch a 14-year-old girl get urinated on by R Kelly! Anyone? No?

The Phil Spector murder trial was such a golden time, wasn’t it? In fact, it’s probably hard to think of anything better than watching a tiny old man in a lesbian wig get accused of shooting a depressed woman in the face for months at a time. Except for, at a push, watching a singer who compares himself to Martin Luther King get accused of pissing on a 14-year-old girl’s face during a sex tape for months at a time.

Which is a relief, because that’s what we’ll finally get to see soon enough. After spending six years trying to wriggle out of it, thanks to mountains of pretrial motions and badly-timed births and ladder-based accidents and appendicitis and tired-looking bus drivers, the R Kelly child pornography trial is all set to get underway in Chicago tomorrow.

Or at least the boring jury selection process that precedes the R Kelly child pornography trial, anyway. The New York Daily News reports:

After six years of delays, jury selection is to begin Thursday in the Grammy-winning R&B singer’s trial on child pornography charges – although defense attorneys did throw in a last-minute motion Wednesday seeking another postponement. The case was prompted by a videotape allegedly showing Kelly having sex with a girl as young as 13.

Since R Kelly faces 15 years in jail if he’s found guilty of these charges, his lawyers will want to find the most sympathetic jury possible – a group of people who’ll understand that a man has needs, and that sometimes those needs involve apparently filming himself pissing all over an obviously underage girl’s face. But that tactic might be scuppered by Chicago’s famous lack of stereotypical cartoon Frenchmen.

However, the jury selection process is firmly weighted in the defence’s favour. Since this alleged R Kelly sex tape is the crux of the entire trial, it’s bound to be shown in court at least once – so there’s a chance that the jurors who’ll fight hardest to get on the trial will be the ones who basically enjoy watching child pornography the most. We think that’s how it works, anyway. Urgh.

But still, R Kelly’s jury selection process doesn’t start until tomorrow, so that leaves R Kelly with about 15 or 16 different chances to get the trial postponed again before then. All we’re saying is that we shouldn’t be too surprised if R Kelly suddenly gets his arm bitten off by a shark before teatime. That’s all.

Read more:

R. Kelly kid-porn trial creeps forward - NYDN