9 - Like Flight of The Conchords? Then you’ll love this! – Mychemicaltoilet

8 - Kirsten Dunst smiles all the way to court, the maniac – Popsugar

7 – Who wants to see some singy and dancey stuff? – Best Week Ever

6 – Good career advice for Megan Fox – Popeater

5 – Porn actresses try their hand at Shakespeare – Watchwithmothers

4 - Hey girls, fancy a really stupid pair of shoes? – Geekologie

3 – Lady GaGa’s got them out again. For arty reasons – Amy Grindhouse

2 - Say hello to some seriously cool guys – Dork Yearbook

And finally, look! It’s a baby dancing! That is insaniac!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

9 - Scientists say that big arses are healthy. J-Lo’s inauguration as He-Man to take place this afternoon – News

8 - Here’s a song by a man who writes one a day - Ericstromsdailysong

7 – A list of pretty celebrity Twitter users who are about to have their lives ruined by weirdo stalker types – COEDmagazine

6 - The article doesn’t mention it, but the new love spray is made entirely out of hecklerspray’s spit – Telegraph

5 – Oh Johnny Cage, you crazy old violent misogynist - Wonderhowto

4 - Excellent. The banks get a bailout, the car industry gets a bailout – so why not the porno industry? – TMZ

3 - A monkey forcing itself on a goat. NSFW and actually pretty grotty once you realise what’s going on - I Am Bored

2 - Turns out after four years in office Barack Obama is going to look just like Gordon Ramsay - CNN

1 - Microwaved CDs are cool. But we didn’t tell you that, OK? – Mycrazytown

9 – An old recipe for Mulled Beer. Thanks, history! – Lifehacker

8 – But what would a dead man rapping like an obscene woman sound like?  – Therapup

7 – Guess what! Cavemen had boats! Please let this news affect you however you like – MSNBC

6 - Rude Ross Kemp On Gangs. Don’t say we didn’t warn you – YouTube

5 - Sorry office monkeys, you’ve been rumbled – Newsweek

4 - The best list of unethical experiments you’ll ever read – Soweirdo

3 - So the economy’s in the toilet. What can take everyone’s mind off that? We know – a deadly superbug pandemic! – Times

2 – Want to make a killer bunny robot hat? OK! – Instructables

1 – Dear Diddy. Stop. Just stop. Everyone wants you to stop - YouTube

Why? Because even though Peter Cook’s supermodel wife Christie Brinkley recently divorced him after he a) had it off with a teenager he met in a toystore and b) started spending $3,000 a month on internet pornography, Peter Cook says that the divorce was absolutely not his fault at all.

Better still, Peter Cook blames the divorce squarely on Christie Brinkley, because she didn’t thank him for being him as much as he wanted. Peter Cook said all this in an interview with Barbara Walters in an effort to stop him being branded as a “scumbag pervert.” And we’re pretty sure he’s got his wish – we believe the term is “egomaniac scumbag pervert dimwit” now.

Generally, divorce never makes anyone happy. It’s basically just a huge admission of failure and, while it can provoke feelings of anger or remorse or sadness, happiness never really factors into the equation.

The exception to this, of course, was the divorce between supermodel Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook, because that was hilarious. Actual roll on the floor, wet yourself hilarious. If you’re new to all this we should recap.

Peter Cook is an architect who, by some incredible fluke, managed to end up married to supermodel Christie Brinkley, of Uptown Girl and Chuck Norris sports equipment commercial fame. Everything was going swimmingly, until Peter Cook started having sex with Diana Bianchi, an 18-year-old girl he met at a toyshop, because after that Christie Brinkley left Peter Cook.

What followed, after Peter Cook swapped his testicles for a series of Please Forgive Me front page newspaper adverts, was one of the best divorces in history. Carried out in public at Christie Brinkley’s insistence, the divorce proceedings included tears, professional psychoanalysis on the brains of both Brinkley and Cook and – best of all – the news that Peter Cook spent $3,000 every month to grind his willy down to gristle on internet porn.

It was incredible. Unbeatable, we thought. But we were wrong. Although Peter Cook got the beating of his life in the divorce courts, he’s since dragged himself up, brushed himself down and appeared on television to, um, start punching himself in the face, basically.

For no logical reason at all, Peter Cook has decided to go on 20/20 with Barbara Walters and blame the entire dissolution of his marriage on Christie Brinkley alone. According to Fox, Cook said that the divorce was Christie Brinkley’s fault because:

“I wanted a little acknowledgement, a little attention, a little thank-you every now and then for my efforts, for the amount of time I took to care for her and my family, for the wealth I was building. Just the tremendous amount of work I was putting into my family… My hope is that the world will see that I’m not the scumbag pervert that I’ve been painted to be.”

In a way, we suppose Peter Cook has got a point – we’re certainly never going to think of him as a scumbag pervert after hearing his sad story. That’s because we’ll be too busy thinking of him as a permanently-masturbating attention-craving infant who wouldn’t know what self-awareness was if it came along and crapped in his mouth.

But that’s just us.

Unless, it appears, you’re David Duchovny. Although he’s currently being treated for sex addiction in what we expect to be the stickiest, smelliest rehab facility in the world, a friend of David Duchovny has come forward to point out that at no point did David ever cheat on his wife with another woman. That means, scientifically, that either David Duchovny did a bunch of rude things with vegetables or… or…

Or David Duchovny is addicted to having sex with his own wife. The bloody pervert. Castration’s too good for him. David Duchovny, you’re a big fat embarrassment to mankind.

OK, now we feel bad. Last week, when we reported that David Duchovny was a sex addict, we took precisely the wrong tone with him. You see, we assumed that David Duchovny was addicted to having sex with loads of different women. Sadly that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Reports are now suggesting that David Duchovny has always managed to remain faithful to his wife Tea Leoni. Like this one, from Fox News:

Duchovny did not check in because of an extramarital fling. That much the friend is certain of. Even more so: Duchovny’s problem has been longstanding. His wife, Tea Leoni, was aware of it for some time. It had just reached a point where it had to be treated.

Yes, that’s right – David Duchovny has all the guilt and earache of a sex addict, but none of the spine-tingling pleasure that comes from having the promiscuous sexual appetite of a voracious sex addict. In short, David Duchovny genuinely couldn’t have it any worse than he has now.

Plus, just for good luck, now the whole world knows what a dirty little bastard David Duchovny really is. Dirty boy, David Duchovny. Dirty boy. I Want To Believe? I Want To Believe You’re Not Secretly Tugging Yourself Off Everytime You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets, more like. Dirty boy. Urgh.

Anyway, what the Fox reports implies is that David Duchovny has an addiction to internet porn. If this is true then that’s even more tragic – rather than a sex addiction, Duchovny has an addiction to looking at some jiggly pixels shaped liked tits and then joylessly wiping the manmuck off his belly with a Kleenex a couple of minutes afterwards. That’s much less fun – and think of his carbon footprint, too.

If any of this sounds familiar then it’s probably because of Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband Peter Cook, who was found to spend $3,000 a month on internet porn. Maybe David Duchovny and Peter Cook should meet up, because they’d probably be able to provide help and support to each other during their difficult recoveries.

Or they’d just spend hours discussing whether it’s better to jizz in your pants to a video of lesbian Asian schoolgirls or a live webcam of a pregnant midget fingering herself. Either way, they should probably avoid shaking hands with each other first time they meet.

But, no, maybe it’s best that David Duchovny continues with his traditional sex addiction rehab course. We’re not sure what that entails, obviously – we’re assuming a burly nurse with an electric cattle prod waggles some copies of Hot Jug Housewives around and dares you to have a wank, but that’s just a guess.

Dirty boy, Duchovny. Urgh.

It isn’t like things on the internet, or in the news media in general are reported in a straightforward, to the point and down the line fashion now, is it? So it shouldn’t be surprising to see that a story circulating about Ali Lohan – Lindsay’s sister – has brought the internets to near meltdown.

And why? Because there’s porn involved.

You can always rely on the viral nature of the internet to make a story about a 14-year-old girl auditioning for a film produced by a former porn director one of the most popular things about. Rather unsurprisingly, it’s happened today.

What happened though? Well – exactly what it says in that sentence above. Ali Lohan, sister of hecklerspray favourite Lindsay Lohan, auditioned for a movie. She wants to be famous, you see – really famous.

As it turned out, one of the producers of this film, Peter Davy, had something of a history when it came to the films he made, with his portfolio including such hits as ‘Dreams in the Forbidden Zone’, ‘Voodoo Lust: The Possession’ and the rather-more-obviously-titled but, shockingly enough, still an adult film ‘Bun Sisters 12′.

But before the world does actually implode in the apparent knowledge that an underage girl auditioned for porn to help kickstart her career of fame and fortune, like that hasn’t ever happened before, we have to point out that the movie Ali auditioned for, ‘Troll‘, is categorically not anything to do with the adult entertainment industry.

Though it does have adults involved in its creation and it is actually entertainment, so, maybe we could go with: ‘Ali Lohan entering adult entertainment industry’ as a line. Though we don’t really want to be sued that much.

No, what Ali Lohan auditioned for was a role in a low budget potential crapothon remake of an 80s fantasy film, with a lead character called Turok. And that’s about it. It’s a story that can be summed up in one or two sentences, and one that can be resolved in less than a paragraph.

Yet because it involves:

a) The internets, and

b) The mention of porn

It becomes a whirling dervish of a story, decimating all the entertainment sites and forums it comes across, leaving nothing but confused readers in its wake. It’s testament to how downright pathetic this whole thing can be sometimes.

Either that or we’re just moaning because we’ve fallen into the trap of covering the ’story’ and feel like having something of a ‘pot kettle black’ rant.

Fortunately, we can all rest easy in the thought that Ali did indeed get the part. Unfortunately she probably won’t be taking the role, seeing as her mother, Dina Lohan, has decided she’s going to kill everyone involved in the production of it (according to TMZ, at least, ‘heads will roll’). Seriously – you make a few porn films, audition a young girl for a new movie and her mother finds out then goes mental – what has the world come to?

You’ve got two choices – there’s Christie Brinkley, the former supermodel who looks like she spends her weekends baking cooking and making fresh lemonade; and then there’s Peter Cook, a man who pays thousands of dollars each month to waggle his pee-pee around on the internet.

You’d probably wait for professional psychiatric advice before making a decision, wouldn’t you? Well, fear not – a psychiatrist has taken the stand at the Christie Brinkley divorce, and he’s called Peter Cook an ‘insatiable narcissist’. Peter Cook would have denied this claim, but he was too busy tenderly licking his own reflection in a mirror to pay attention to anything that was being said at the time.

We’ve been doing our best to keep track of the Christie Brinkley divorce, we really have, but it’s been hard. This is partly because we don’t really care about Christie Brinkley, but mostly because the structure’s all out of whack.

Seriously, if your opening day argument is going to be about how Peter Cook spends $3,000 a month on internet pornography, then you’d better be able to top that on following days. Unless you’ve discovered that Peter Cook was once filmed having sex with an octopus or something, people are only going to focus on the porn thing. Or maybe that’s just us.

Anyway, what the Christie Brinkley divorce needed was a softly-spoken professional to cut through all the accusations with a precise assessment of exactly why you’ll forever be unable to shake Peter Cook’s hand without imagining him using it to thrash away at his middle-aged pecker in front of a pixelised image of a vagina he’s paid hundreds of dollars to see.

And yesterday that’s what it got, in the guise of Dr. Stephen Herman, a New York psychiatrist employed by the court to analyse Peter Cook, Christie Brinkley and their two children. Newsday reports:

“Mr. Cook is characterologically a narcissist,” said Dr. Stephen Herman. “While most people need a feeding for their egos, Mr. Cook has an insatiable appetite.” … Herman said Cook most likely endangered his children if they were exposed to his pornography or illicit relationships.

Endangered? Hah, he calls himself a psychiatrist? He knows nothing – there isn’t a man on the face of the planet who can’t say that he didn’t learn everything worth knowing about sex from the VHS copy of Murder On The Orient Sexpress that he found in a shoebox at the bottom of his Dad’s wardrobe when he was 12. That did happen to all men, right? Good, that’s what we thought.

However, Peter Cook isn’t the only one who needs therapy, according to Dr Herman. Christie Brinkley should also get her brain looked at because she’s controlling and she keeps marrying idiots, he said, plus the kids may as well get counselling as well.

After all, it’s never particularly easy to be a child whose parents are going through a messy divorce at the best of times, so imagine how it feels to be a child whose parents are going through a divorce and who can barely sleep at night thanks to the distracting sound of their father constantly slapping his erect penis around to internet porn in the next room.

Or a child whose parents are going through a divorce and who can barely sleep at night thanks to the distracting sound of their father constantly slapping his erect penis around to internet porn in the next room who occasionally has to visit Billy Joel. Lord, it doesn’t bear thinking about.

Damn – someone should have told Britney Spears this before she started her relationship with British photo-jockey Adnan Ghalib. See, keeping one's enemies closer does work in many situations, but when your enemy's sole purpose in life is to get as close to you as they legally can, you should probably opt for 'running away quite fast and keeping your enemy at a few arms' length'.

Alas, our poor, maybe quite mental Britney wasn't warned, and now she's supposedly trying to stop another wonderful celebrity sex tape from being released to the baying public. If only people would help to look after the girl.

Just when things were getting back on track for the young pop-tart, something has to come along and send things royally tits-up. She of 'Toxic' and latterly 'mental' fame had seen the shattered pieces of her life being slowly put back together. First with some trepidation, but soon enough there was something resembling normality entering the Spears household – she had recently regained overnight access to her kids and was on her way (and probably still is on her way to) building a new home for said kids. Figuratively building, that is, not literally. She's not also become a builder, unfortunately.

And then, blammo, out of nowhere, it happens – allegations of a sex tape start flying around. Allegations that put Britney in a position – or possibly numerous positions – on some tape, having some sex, with the scu… paparazzo man. Of all the people she'd decide to record herself shagging, why choose a journalistic parasite that is a member of the British paparazzi? hecklerspray knows full well that the girl has had some problems, but come on – she can't be that stupid can she?

Really?!

For now, at least, it would appear that the sex tape allegations are remaining exactly that – rumour, speculation and non-fact. Not that we'd begrudge watching Miss Spears engaging in the act, hair or no hair (on her head you sick freaks), but it's hard to feel anything but a weary sympathy for the girl. She really has been put through the wringer over the last couple of years. We all need to take a step back from the poor thing, let her recuperate and then really stick the boot back in.

Torture can be used for entertainment, it would seem.

At least Britney can rest easy in the fact that, if the tape does turn out to be real, she has carte blanche to run over Ghalib's feet as much as she wants. In a way. She'd definitely get our blessing for that courageous act, and it would certainly do a great deal to get her back to the realms of normality she so clearly craves, as well as potentially taking out one of those useless, cretinous, morons.

Well, you don't even know the half of it. During the first day of the gloriously public Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce trial yesterday, it was claimed that Cook spends around $3,000 a month on porn websites. What an idiot – why doesn't he just illegally download his pornography for free like the rest of us do?

Now, we're no mathematicians, but even if Peter Cook found the time to solidly jerk himself into a frenzy three times a day to internet pornography, that still equates to about $33 per ejaculation. $33! For that money he could buy a fresh pair of ladies shoes each time and wank into those instead. That's what most men would rather do, right? Right?

Just us? 

It must really sting to be Christie Brinkley at the moment. Not because she's getting divorced – she tends to schedule one of those in every couple of years anyway – but because, although she's a supermodel, it's becoming clear that her almost ex-husband Peter Cook finds just about everything else on earth sexier than her.

Seriously. We already knew that Peter Cook had a thing for alarmingly young girls he meets in toystores – that's what led to his separation from Christie Brinkley in the first place – but now it's been claimed that Cook also has a thing for internet pornography. And not just a passing curiosity, either – Peter Cook allegedly spends $3,000 a month on it.

Imagine the pile of pork chops you could buy for $3,000. Now imagine that all the pork chops are made from jism – that's how much Peter Cook likes internet porn. But, hey, you want to know more? Great – here's the New York Daily News:

Her lawyer's opening statements painted Cook as a womanizing, Internet porn-addicted pervert who paid his young girlfriend from piles of money he hid around his family home. "He was so busy spending his cash on the Internet and Diana Bianchi that he never put a cent back into his family," Brinkley's lawyer Robert Cohen said.

Ah, yes, Diana Bianchi. She's the girl who Peter Cook had lots of sex with behind Christie Brinkley's back. Peter Cook also liked to spend money on her, too – as well as the cash he regularly left her under a rock near his office, it's also claimed that he tried to hush Diana Bianchi up with a payment of $300,000.

Wow, he really must have wanted her to stay quiet – that money could have bought him eight years' worth of porn.

And all this came out on the first day of the divorce trial – Christie Brinkley has got to get through 44 witnesses before Peter Cook's even allowed his rebuttal. This is the best divorce ever! 

Still, though, $3,000 a month? On pornography? What's it of, a mermaid humping a unicorn?

Seriously, is it? Because we'd probably quite like to see that.

Strangely enough, these things are also associated with the jury in the R Kelly child pornography trial.

Would you believe it? Of course, this brings up a wonderful revelation – it shouldn’t be too long before hecklerspray can refer to R Kelly in whatever terms we see fit, with the full backing of the law on our side.

Yes: the jury have heard the prosecution, the defence, rebuttals, witnesses and counter-cross-ultra-examinations, and they’ve run off to that room probably occupied by Twelve Angry Men to decide once and for all what the media are allowed to refer to R Kelly as.

And probably, more importantly, if the man is to serve jail time or if he is cleared of the charges held against him.

The future looks bright.

That’s as in ‘the future looks bright because it means we don’t have to pussyfoot around as much with our language for fear of being sued’, of course, and not some other misconstrued meaning attributed to the phrase. Obviously.

The case has been through a lot over the last few months, most recently the confusion as to who in the blue hell was in the video presented to the courts. Though whoever it was may have definitely had a mole – or did they? So no one is really sure who it was in the video, but whoever it was may have had a mole, though it may have been an ‘artifact’.

Good lord the jury must be confused by now.

It didn’t help that the defence were throwing around biblical quotes:

“Second Corinthians 11, verse 14. And Satan shall come disguised as an angel of light. That is what she is. She is a liar. She is an extortionist.”

And it can’t have made it easy when the prosecution relied on one of those pesky ‘experts’ to back up their case.

Though we would likely be the best one on the planet, hecklerspray would hate to be a juror in this case. And it’s clear that the actual jurors are taking their time on this one, since they’ve been deliberating for around a day now after starting on Thursday afternoon. According to CBS 2’s legal analyst Irv Miller this may very well be a good thing for R:

“A lot of people who have seen the entire trial say this is a slam dunk guilty and others are saying, ‘Hey, listen, there’s reasonable doubt there’.”

Time will tell. A verdict will come. And when it does, hecklerspray will know – either way – how we stand legally when talking about R Kelly. It’s been a long ride, but we’re nearly at the end of this particular legal tunnel.

Oh, and so is R Kelly. Forgot about that fact for a second there.

The 34-year-old veteran made the announcement at the AVN (Adult Video News) Awards in Las Vegas on Saturday.

Announcing her porn retirement, Jenna Jameson said:

“Honesty is key. I will never ever ever spread my legs again in this industry. Ever!”

The response from the audience was unique. Gushing and squirting are commonplace at the AVNs, but usually from the vaginal duct, not the tear.

“I can’t believe it,” said one watery-eyed observer, “what does she expect me to do now? Just keep on watching repeats of her old stuff? I tried that when Friends came off air. Sure, the first few times I heard Phoebe sing ‘Smelly Cat’ it made me chuckle, but after the fiftieth viewing it just wasn’t funny anymore. It wasn’t funny anymore!”

But don’t reach for the tie, stockings and orange just yet, because on receiving the Jenna Jameson crossover star of the year award, ‘actress’ and Jenna-clone Stormy Daniels (who crossed over from all-girl to anal gang-bang, the versatile little thing) reassured the audience, and no doubt filled her mothers bosom with pride, saying:

“Well I plan on spreading my legs for the industry for quite some time.”

Watch Jenna’s retirement below: 

Read more:

Jenna Jameson Announces Retirement From Porn - Entertainmentwise