Marriage, doesn’t it bring a tear to your eye? All the time spent waiting, preparing and planning all boil down to a single day where any unplanned accident will probably ruin absolutely everything while some guests you don’t like very much laugh on from the sidelines. Over the weekend, the American equivalent of the the Royal Wedding happened. Kim Kardashian went and got herself married. It was not televised.

We’re not entirely sure what Kim Kardashian actually does. Even the caretaker in your local school who throws sawdust over children’s vomit has more influence on the world than her. In a way, she’s very much like us.

However, the American socialite is able to arousing gentlemen who enjoy watching two people engaging in coitus, the ol’ in-out-in-out, the hokey cokey, bangin’, you know… sex. Despite her skin flick leaking online a few years ago, the video saw an unexpected rise in views as those who weren’t invited to the wedding decided to get involved. With their sexual organs.

It seems that if you’re one of these socialite types, then accidentally making a grot tape is one of the tasks that you have to complete. Blond div and general idiot Paris Hilton unexpectedly took part in the tastefully titled “1 Night In Paris” film. Hilton claimed she wasn’t aware that a camera was recording the limp action, but she was able to answer a phonecall mid bonk, proving how much fun she was having at the time.

How do you get away from calling yourself a socialite? Kim Kardashian also lists other extensive talents such as a television personality, model and actress. Again, we can only assume that these loose associations come after the release of her porn film. In a game of word association, this is normally the first thing we think of in relation to her, unless she’s been doing UN peace missions and keeping it firmly under wraps. Anyway, it was reported that:

“Kim Kardashian’s internet sex tape received over two million hits this weekend – because of all the fanfare over her wedding to Kris Humphries. The excitement over the reality star’s nuptials resulted in a huge demand for the saucy video, which Kim made with her ex Ray J in 2007 – and instantly regretted.”

Instead of a whole load of pitchfork waving Christians threatening to murder Kim Kardashian for sinning and making baby Jesus cry, she actually found herself catapulted into the limelight with all sorts of magazine, book and TV deals coming her way. As if to prove that the world we live in is a depressing place, Montana Fishburne, daughter of film star Laurence, cited the Kim Kardashian sex tape as an influence on her career. All because it elevated her to fame, something she herself wanted.

Feminists might be building an effigy of Kim Kardashian to burn in utter shame and disgust due to her reliance on a man’s meatstick for achieving personal the dizzy heights of popularity. They might not. We’re sure they’ve got other things on their minds.

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Denise Richards is a bit of a card, isn’t she? She’s been beaten, humiliated, stunned, stalked and shattered by the ongoing revelations about ex-husband Charlie “He’s Actually An Estevez” Sheen but admits that, despite their nasty break-up and custody battle – she’d marry the tiresome bell-end all over again.

It is thought that Richards has become so terrified of slipping into obscurity that she has actually considered taking on a completely fictional split-personality; just like her ex-husband.

When asked what this second identity might be, a source close to the star merely shrugged his shoulders and asked who she was. He had never heard of her. All the more reason to do get working on Denise Richards 2: Attack of Denise Richards.

The actress who was apparently in that James Bond film (the one that everyone forgets about), wed the star of ‘Hot Shots’ and ‘Coke-Fuelled Porn Parties’ in 2002, but their marriage fell apart just three years later – and the couple briefly became bitter enemies, regularly developing nefarious schemes in order to see the other fall from a great height onto ACME explosives.

Now, six years later, the pair are friends and devoted parents to their daughters and appear to have put their acrimonious history behind them in the interest of publicity the children. The pair are often seen spending time together and Richards insists she will always put Sheen on a pedestal as a father, and she still thinks he’s one of the biggest influences in her life.

Presumably because he systematically ruined it for so long.

She told Ryan Seacrest’s Kiis-FM radio show,

“He gave me the two greatest gifts (in) our daughters! I really believe that people come in to our life, and we learn different things… I honestly believe that he has been one of my greatest teachers as far as life lessons. As painful as it all was I would do it all again because I have amazing children.”

There you go then. Apparently you can be a complete dick to someone as long as you impregnate them. Excellent advice for us all.

Denise Richards’ new film “Hey! Hey! Look At Me! I’m Over Here!” directed by Michael Bay will be out next summer.

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Hipster Nick Knowles, James Franco, the man fancied by women who like to think they’re clever, is making a porn film. Get that? Porn. In a film. With James Franco. We imagine there will be flash flooding in certain undercarriages right now.

However, we’d like to put the scuppers on your arousal by pointing out that this won’t be a bongo film starring Franco, but rather, a vaguely pretentious documentary made by the actor.

Don’t worry. There’s some salacious stuff for you to get your teeth into all the same, you sickening debauchotrons.

Basically, Franco realised that it isn’t easy turning people on just by having sex in front of them. Especially if you insist on being pretentious all the time and saying rubbish like:

“A lot of the people in San Francisco think of themselves as healers – not just as people delivering this base service, but giving their clients spiritual help. It’s almost like being an actor, playing a different part for each trick.”

Anyway, you want to know about the sexy sex sex don’t you? Well, Franco once made a sex tape with a girlfriend and on watching it, noticed that it was roughly as arousing as mopping with sick.

However, this experience gave him a new respect for porn stars.

“When I was young, I got a video camera and my girlfriend and I decided to film ourselves and watched it back and said, ‘Yeah, well, let’s never watch that again.’

“Those people in pornos, they are great performers; they’re not just doing it, they’re selling it to an audience… they’re performing so that an audience can get turned on by that kinda thing.

“My girlfriend and I didn’t know that, so it was just kinda like weird movement… It was really boring”.

James Franco? Boring? Never!

Of course, he’s right that adult film actors are worthy of praise. Anyone who can do a half-convincing job of enjoying themselves while indulging in themselves in something that has gone beyond tedium while a fat, anonymous man makes money from your sex deserves a pat on the back. Or at least a massive hug while they cry down your shirt at the horror of it all.

Franco continues:

“I actually am very interested in pornography… I watch it, who doesn’t? I’m making a documentary on pornography. There’s this amazing facility in San Francisco… They do everything in house, they build their props in house. It’s an incredible place”.

A place of semen, lube and repressed anxiety. Sounds like RADA.

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Say what you like about Kelly Osbourne, but… no, seriously. Say whatever you like. We’re not Kelly Osbourne so we’re not going to defend her. That’s because she’s rather fond of doing it for herself.

See, Kelly has had a privileged but awkward upbringing, and so, as some coping mechanism, developed a really loud mouth.

If you go after her, she’ll probably huff and puff and yell your house down. So, when an ex of hers starts slating her on twitter, she’s not likely to take it lying down is she? Especially when she’s still grieving over the loss of her friend, Amy Winehouse.

Osbourne has had many run-ins with her ex-fiance – Luke Worrall – and this week, he really did pick a lousy time to start airing the dirty linen.

At some point, he obviously remembered that his ex had just lost a mate, and hastily deleted his tweets aimed at Kelly. Sadly for him, she’d already seen them.

After returning and seeing what he wrote, she responded:

“@luke_worrall you’ve made it very clear u only dated me 4 my life style but s*** tweets about me the day im @ a funeral u have hit a new low.”

Fair enough. She wasn’t done though.

“@luke_worrall it was fine when my Kellyphant ass was paying 4everything wasn’t it? i just didn’t think u could get much lower but u did #wow.”

Kellyphant? Crikey. That’s beneath even us!

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Nadya “Octomom” Suleman, the woman who chose to impregnate herself with eight foetuses, in addition to the six children she already had, has admitted in an interview that she hates babies, and that they make her sick.

The interview in question is from US magazine InTouch, where Suleman is quoted as saying, “Whenever I hear a baby cry, I cringe. I do not like babies.” continuing, “I am absolutely disgusted by babies. They make me sick … I don’t even look at them. I have to look away.”

In the same interview, living incubator Suleman, also admitted to locking herself in the bathroom in an attempt to just to get away from the fourteen disgusting creatures who ruined her insides and part of her outsides.

Once the interview was printed, Octomom released a statement to TMZ saying she never gave an interview to InTouch and that she has never said she is disgusted by her children, also denying locking herself in the bathroom, claiming, “I hardly have 30 seconds to go to the restroom, I could never lock myself in the bathroom for hours.”

But what do you know, audio of the interview that never happened has leaked online, in all its baby-hating glory and we’ve managed to get our grubby little paws on it. You can listen to it here, you can even download it to your cut out and keep ‘Octomom Sticker Album’ if you must.

From anyone else this admission of disgust and hatred would seem shocking; after all babies are wonderful creatures full of joy, crap and vomit. However, multiply that joyful experience by fourteen and throw in a ruined uterus and face like Angelina Jolie on meth, and you have to give it to the woman, she should be allowed to hate her children.

Some people may criticise Octomom for her honesty, and her decision to bring fourteen kids into the world, but you have to imagine it from her point of view, for example, we hate spiders, but it doesn’t mean we would deny ourselves from spawning fourteen of them from our collective reproductive organs in return for being super famous…

This was an article by Ruairidh Pritchard who is currently undergoing an intensive and uncomfortable “initiation ceremony”  in the hecklerspray bedsit.

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It takes a lot of work to be described as a legend. You have to be dedicated to what you do and do it well for years of your life. Eventually, your achievement is such that your creation will be on any imaginable number of products that make less and less sense. Imagine your logo on bottle openers and the front of thongs! Imagine! The logo that has become synonymous with the objectification of women or, as others like to think of it, baps and bush.

Imagine you created that. Imagine you’re Hugh Hefner. Just take thirty seconds and imagine that. Have you lost your erection and/or heightened state of sexual arousal? Yes, of course you have.

Shrivelled titfid Hugh Hefner is reported to have moved on from ex-fiancée Crystal Harris,  despite their engagement only ending last week. The renowned smoking jacket wearer is said to have been so aroused by his new ‘target’ that he almost managed to allow enough blood to rush to his flaccid member to allow its non-artificial engorgement. That’s love in the Playboy Mansion.

According to Popeater, the Playboy founder has sparked a romance with Anna Sophia Berglund, better known as this year’s Playboy ‘Miss January’. You might not know her as that, given that you’ve probably yanked your way through five more months by now and have forgotten what she looks like.

“It’s clear Hef has moved on to Anna,” a source claimed while faking climax. The source went on to claim that they had been part of seven-way where Hefner had screamed “GET OFF HER!” at a moment of orgasm which, hecklerspray is led to believe, is the accepted sign that Hef has taken a shine to one of the girls.

Berglund has apparently moved into Hefner’s bedroom, and the two were said to have been kissing and cuddling throughout a recent movie night at the mansion but there was no mention of anything else – thank god.

Earlier this week Crystal Harris called off her engagement to Hefner less than a week before their wedding. Sources close to Harris claimed that the constant female presence in the Playboy mansion had played a significant part in her decision to end the engagement. Celebrity commentators have all let out a collective “Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

Harris is also said to have been alarmed by the Pope’s recent appearance on a balcony.

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Dog owners are idiots. They dote on their flea-bitten shit-factories like they’re proper members of the family, despite the fact they do no work around the house, demand food and walkies and are only good for blaming your flatulence on.

Not that dog owners would ever let on. They look into their idiot dog’s eyes and mistake stupidity for some kind of human empathy. ‘My dog understands me and is always there when I need them!’ Dogs are always there, period. They’re after food or a piss, not a heart-to-heart. Dogs probably don’t even have hearts. Just more shit.

Of course, the rest of us perfectly sensible humans have to put up with people when their dogs die. We suffered like Jesus on the cross when Jennifer Aniston’s dog passed-away, and now, we are required to do the same for Kelly Osbourne who has lost the only thing in her life that she felt was an intellectual equal.

That’s right kiddiewinks, Kelly’s pooch, Noodles, has been ‘put to sleep’ (or, if you’re being honest, terminated with a syringe of poison) which has left her ‘devastated’.

Apparently, this lesser being (we’re talking about the dog here) was exterminated without prejudice after it was discovered that it had an incurable brain defect. No, we don’t care either. Let us get this clear – a dog called Noodles, which is a Pomeranian or something, had a seizure and then got killed.

Not that Kelly sees it through rational eyes.

She said:

“My poor baby girl Noodles is sick. She had a seizure and they don’t know why I’m taking her to see a specialist 2 hours away for a brain scan. I can’t even look at my baby girl with out crying she just looks so sick and helpless.(sic)”

She later tweeted:

“Noodles is not going to make it. She was born with a brain defect and I have to put her to sleep today. I’m devastated. I just cant believe it. (sic)”

The world is potentially going to cry its entire reserves of water over this because this TRAGEDY comes a matter of weeks after Kelly almost lost another dog. A dog called Sid. Sid who died after accidentally swallowing some chewing gum. Chewing gum still in the wrapper.

Stupid fucking canines.

“Poor Sid ate half a packet of chewing gum, last week and I had to rush him to the vet. There’s Xylitol – a sweetener – in gum, which is the dog equivalent of giving cyanide to humans. It causes their blood sugar to drop and shuts down liver functions. He’s fine now, but it was traumatic. The vet thinks, because he chewed it with the paper on, it didn’t go into his system as quickly as it could have, which saved his life.”

Last July, her puppy Woody died aged just 14 weeks old from unknown causes.

At the time, Kelly said:

“My life could not get any worse right now I come home to find my dog Woody is dead.”

So there you have it. Kelly Osbourne. Her house is like Auschwitz for dogs.

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You’d think that Sharon Osbourne was unshockable wouldn’t you? After all, she’s willingly had intercourse with Ozzy Osbourne, probably with the lights on too. She’s also stared at her own surgically enhanced face in the mirror, while wearing no make-up. She lets her dogs shit in the house.

However, it seems Sharon is a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to accidental porn.

Now, that’s not to say she’s discovered a new niche of bongo films, where people get off with each other while in a train wreck (it’s only a matter of time before that takes off), but rather, her cheery daughter, Kelly, has revealed that Sharon was left agog after someone accidentally sent some smut to her mobile.

That’s right! Terrible atrocities may well be going on around the world and despotic leaders cling to power with their bloody nails scraping down palatial walls, but Sharon Osbourne has had porn sent to her phone by a complete stranger!

Kelly spluttered that her oddly-faced mother contacted her in a massive panic after she opened up a message, which displayed material that was Rated X.

Kelly tweeted:

“My mum just told me the funniest story. someone thinks they are texting a friend named sam but they are accidentally texting my mum porn! My mum is like ‘i dont want anyone thinking i like looking at dirty horrible things like that!’ she is freaking out its so funny!”

Amazing, given that she’s probably had to do some dirty horrible things in her life, seeing as she worked in rock ‘n’ roll with various members of Black Sabbath before finding a TV career.

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She got fingered in a skin-flick and now, Montana Fishburne – daughter of Laurence Fishburne – is getting fingered in court after apparently beating the living shit out of someone in their own home.

Montana, who no-one had really heard of until she announced she was going to make a porn film called How To Really Embarrass Your Academy Award Winning Father, was arrested in February after she barged into someone’s house to knock seven shades out of her.

Laurence Fishburne is currently wondering where he went wrong with the child.

Of course, this is all ALLEGED. We wrote it big so we didn’t have to keep typing it out time and time again. Yes, we’re lazy and we’ve all just had our nails done.

TMZ (reputable) report that the victim had “significant injuries.”

The L.A. City Attorney’s Office has now charged Fishburne, who is going under some daft name like Chippy T or something, with battery and will be adding charges of false imprisonment and assault with a deadly weapon.

Montana has pleaded not guilty and the case is pending. That means, legally, we can’t start making wild speculations about how she probably pistol-whipped someone to within an inch of their life before urinating on their lifeless body. We can’t say things like that because it would be legally dubious and, quite clearly, wholly fictional. If it transpires to be true, then we’ll claim it as a scoop.

Fishburne is in deep-shit though as she was arrested last year for prostitution and was placed on probation. The judge could well use the whole ‘knocking the fuck out of someone’ in the case to violate her probation.

Montana Fishburne was half right when she said that making a porn tape would get her noticed.

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Poor old Laurence Fishburne. The only time he’s appearing in the news lately is next to salacious stories about his offspring having sex on film. Lovely. Never mind all those insanely famous films and Oscars and the like. We’re all talking about your daughter’s vagina. What’s more troubling is that his daughter looks a helluva lot like him.

Imagine that. Essentially what we’re faced with is a woman having sex on video who looks like Charlie Brooker, blacked-up with tits. It’s a horrifying prospect.

Of course, you’ll still want to see bits of it because, quite frankly, you’re all pigs.

TMZ have got their mucky paws on the first photos from the sex tape of Montana Fishburne. That said ‘sex tape’ doesn’t feel right as it isn’t something that has been tactically leaked to further a career. This is just a porn video with a famous person’s child in.

Fishburne’s daughter, for the record, is using the name Chippy D for her work. Maybe she’s going to use Chipmunk’s “chip-diddy-chip” track in her work in future. That’d be nice wouldn’t it?

No.

As reported last week, Montana, has chosen to follow in the footsteps of Kim Kardashian:

“I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape.”

TMZ have a whole bunch of screengrabs from the shoot and if you want to see them, click here. Failing that, you can watch a badly shot video of a man with gigantic arms talking about her like she’s not sat next to him. You’ll probably like the fact that he’s got more silver than a magpie’s nest and clunks when he moves like someone with a Victorian contraption up his arse.

Montana Fishburne aka Chippy D
Uploaded by PaperChaserDotCom. – Check out sexy vids. Caution – NSFW!

Want to make it in the movies? Well, it’s a slippery pole to grab, as Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter Montana is proving. Literally. That’s because ‘slippery pole’ in this case means oiled-up member as she wants to make a sex tape.

Of course, her dad got respect from starring in films such as ‘Apocalypse Now’, ‘What’s Love Got to Do With It?’ and ‘The Matrix’ trilogy. So while he’s starring on CSI, his offspring will be… well… you’ve seen dirty films so you know the score.

And what’s brought all this on? Nepotism not offering a door opening so she’s opening her legs?

Montana said, in a moment of alarming honesty (in that, she’s not even going to pretend that the thing got stolen and leaked):

“I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape. I’m hoping the same magic will work for me. I’m impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities and this seemed like a great way to get started on it.”

She may have been egged-on by her current squeeze who is a chap called Brian Pumper. If his name didn’t give it away, he’s a porn star.

He said of it all:

“Even if she’s a little shocked, that might be sexy… and who knows? As the scene progresses she might become more of an animal by the second or third position – a real freak.”

According to a press release, Vivid Entertainment, which also distributed Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, will handle the release of Montana Fishburne’s self-titled video, which is due out August 18th.

Bloody Nora. I hope this isn’t a trend for all aspiring actresses, cutting their chops on a filmed casting couch. God knows there’s enough of you out there who would willing watch such a thing… but really? Ever heard of a showreel?

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10 – Andrew Lloyd Webber: can you do better than THIS? (answer ‘yes’ or we’ll come and get you)…

9 - Scientists say that big arses are healthy. J-Lo‘s inauguration as He-Man to take place this afternoon – News

8 - Here’s a song by a man who writes one a day - Ericstromsdailysong

7 – A list of pretty celebrity Twitter users who are about to have their lives ruined by weirdo stalker types – COEDmagazine

6 - The article doesn’t mention it, but the new love spray is made entirely out of hecklerspray’s spit – Telegraph

5 – Oh Johnny Cage, you crazy old violent misogynist - Wonderhowto

4 - Excellent. The banks get a bailout, the car industry gets a bailout – so why not the porno industry? – TMZ

3 - A monkey forcing itself on a goat. NSFW and actually pretty grotty once you realise what’s going on - I Am Bored

2 - Turns out after four years in office Barack Obama is going to look just like Gordon Ramsay - CNN

1 - Microwaved CDs are cool. But we didn’t tell you that, OK? – Mycrazytown

10 - Hey BBC One, now that Hole In The Wall has finished, can you please remake this inane Asian gameshow as well? If only because that way we’d be closer to understanding what’s actually going on…

9 – An old recipe for Mulled Beer. Thanks, history! – Lifehacker

8 – But what would a dead man rapping like an obscene woman sound like?  – Therapup

7 – Guess what! Cavemen had boats! Please let this news affect you however you like – MSNBC

6 - Rude Ross Kemp On Gangs. Don’t say we didn’t warn you – YouTube

5 - Sorry office monkeys, you’ve been rumbled – Newsweek

4 - The best list of unethical experiments you’ll ever read – Soweirdo

3 - So the economy’s in the toilet. What can take everyone’s mind off that? We know – a deadly superbug pandemic! – Times

2 – Want to make a killer bunny robot hat? OK! – Instructables

1 – Dear Diddy. Stop. Just stop. Everyone wants you to stop - YouTube

This just in – Peter Cook is a legend. An absolute dyed-in-the-wool cast iron legend that every man on Earth should regard as a hero.

Why? Because even though Peter Cook’s supermodel wife Christie Brinkley recently divorced him after he a) had it off with a teenager he met in a toystore and b) started spending $3,000 a month on internet pornography, Peter Cook says that the divorce was absolutely not his fault at all.

Better still, Peter Cook blames the divorce squarely on Christie Brinkley, because she didn’t thank him for being him as much as he wanted. Peter Cook said all this in an interview with Barbara Walters in an effort to stop him being branded as a “scumbag pervert.” And we’re pretty sure he’s got his wish – we believe the term is “egomaniac scumbag pervert dimwit” now.

Generally, divorce never makes anyone happy. It’s basically just a huge admission of failure and, while it can provoke feelings of anger or remorse or sadness, happiness never really factors into the equation.

The exception to this, of course, was the divorce between supermodel Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook, because that was hilarious. Actual roll on the floor, wet yourself hilarious. If you’re new to all this we should recap.

Peter Cook is an architect who, by some incredible fluke, managed to end up married to supermodel Christie Brinkley, of Uptown Girl and Chuck Norris sports equipment commercial fame. Everything was going swimmingly, until Peter Cook started having sex with Diana Bianchi, an 18-year-old girl he met at a toyshop, because after that Christie Brinkley left Peter Cook.

What followed, after Peter Cook swapped his testicles for a series of Please Forgive Me front page newspaper adverts, was one of the best divorces in history. Carried out in public at Christie Brinkley’s insistence, the divorce proceedings included tears, professional psychoanalysis on the brains of both Brinkley and Cook and – best of all – the news that Peter Cook spent $3,000 every month to grind his willy down to gristle on internet porn.

It was incredible. Unbeatable, we thought. But we were wrong. Although Peter Cook got the beating of his life in the divorce courts, he’s since dragged himself up, brushed himself down and appeared on television to, um, start punching himself in the face, basically.

For no logical reason at all, Peter Cook has decided to go on 20/20 with Barbara Walters and blame the entire dissolution of his marriage on Christie Brinkley alone. According to Fox, Cook said that the divorce was Christie Brinkley’s fault because:

“I wanted a little acknowledgement, a little attention, a little thank-you every now and then for my efforts, for the amount of time I took to care for her and my family, for the wealth I was building. Just the tremendous amount of work I was putting into my family… My hope is that the world will see that I’m not the scumbag pervert that I’ve been painted to be.”

In a way, we suppose Peter Cook has got a point – we’re certainly never going to think of him as a scumbag pervert after hearing his sad story. That’s because we’ll be too busy thinking of him as a permanently-masturbating attention-craving infant who wouldn’t know what self-awareness was if it came along and crapped in his mouth.

But that’s just us.