Marriage, doesn’t it bring a tear to your eye? All the time spent waiting, preparing and planning all boil down to a single day where any unplanned accident will probably ruin absolutely everything while some guests you don’t like very much laugh on from the sidelines. Over the weekend, the American equivalent of the the Royal Wedding happened. Kim Kardashian went and got herself married. It was not televised.
We’re not entirely sure what Kim Kardashian actually does. Even the caretaker in your local school who throws sawdust over children’s vomit has more influence on the world than her. In a way, she’s very much like us.
However, the American socialite is able to arousing gentlemen who enjoy watching two people engaging in coitus, the ol’ in-out-in-out, the hokey cokey, bangin’, you know… sex. Despite her skin flick leaking online a few years ago, the video saw an unexpected rise in views as those who weren’t invited to the wedding decided to get involved. With their sexual organs.
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Denise Richards is a bit of a card, isn’t she? She’s been beaten, humiliated, stunned, stalked and shattered by the ongoing revelations about ex-husband Charlie “He’s Actually An Estevez” Sheen but admits that, despite their nasty break-up and custody battle – she’d marry the tiresome bell-end all over again.
It is thought that Richards has become so terrified of slipping into obscurity that she has actually considered taking on a completely fictional split-personality; just like her ex-husband.
When asked what this second identity might be, a source close to the star merely shrugged his shoulders and asked who she was. He had never heard of her. All the more reason to do get working on Denise Richards 2: Attack of Denise Richards.
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Hipster Nick Knowles, James Franco, the man fancied by women who like to think they’re clever, is making a porn film. Get that? Porn. In a film. With James Franco. We imagine there will be flash flooding in certain undercarriages right now.
However, we’d like to put the scuppers on your arousal by pointing out that this won’t be a bongo film starring Franco, but rather, a vaguely pretentious documentary made by the actor.
Don’t worry. There’s some salacious stuff for you to get your teeth into all the same, you sickening debauchotrons.
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Say what you like about Kelly Osbourne, but… no, seriously. Say whatever you like. We’re not Kelly Osbourne so we’re not going to defend her. That’s because she’s rather fond of doing it for herself.
See, Kelly has had a privileged but awkward upbringing, and so, as some coping mechanism, developed a really loud mouth.
If you go after her, she’ll probably huff and puff and yell your house down. So, when an ex of hers starts slating her on twitter, she’s not likely to take it lying down is she? Especially when she’s still grieving over the loss of her friend, Amy Winehouse.
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Nadya “Octomom” Suleman, the woman who chose to impregnate herself with eight foetuses, in addition to the six children she already had, has admitted in an interview that she hates babies, and that they make her sick.
The interview in question is from US magazine InTouch, where Suleman is quoted as saying, “Whenever I hear a baby cry, I cringe. I do not like babies.” continuing, “I am absolutely disgusted by babies. They make me sick … I don’t even look at them. I have to look away.”
In the same interview, living incubator Suleman, also admitted to locking herself in the bathroom in an attempt to just to get away from the fourteen disgusting creatures who ruined her insides and part of her outsides.
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It takes a lot of work to be described as a legend. You have to be dedicated to what you do and do it well for years of your life. Eventually, your achievement is such that your creation will be on any imaginable number of products that make less and less sense. Imagine your logo on bottle openers and the front of thongs! Imagine! The logo that has become synonymous with the objectification of women or, as others like to think of it, baps and bush.
Imagine you created that. Imagine you’re Hugh Hefner. Just take thirty seconds and imagine that. Have you lost your erection and/or heightened state of sexual arousal? Yes, of course you have.
Shrivelled titfid Hugh Hefner is reported to have moved on from ex-fiancée Crystal Harris, despite their engagement only ending last week. The renowned smoking jacket wearer is said to have been so aroused by his new ‘target’ that he almost managed to allow enough blood to rush to his flaccid member to allow its non-artificial engorgement. That’s love in the Playboy Mansion.
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Dog owners are idiots. They dote on their flea-bitten shit-factories like they’re proper members of the family, despite the fact they do no work around the house, demand food and walkies and are only good for blaming your flatulence on.
Not that dog owners would ever let on. They look into their idiot dog’s eyes and mistake stupidity for some kind of human empathy. ‘My dog understands me and is always there when I need them!’ Dogs are always there, period. They’re after food or a piss, not a heart-to-heart. Dogs probably don’t even have hearts. Just more shit.
Of course, the rest of us perfectly sensible humans have to put up with people when their dogs die. We suffered like Jesus on the cross when Jennifer Aniston’s dog passed-away, and now, we are required to do the same for Kelly Osbourne who has lost the only thing in her life that she felt was an intellectual equal.
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You’d think that Sharon Osbourne was unshockable wouldn’t you? After all, she’s willingly had intercourse with Ozzy Osbourne, probably with the lights on too. She’s also stared at her own surgically enhanced face in the mirror, while wearing no make-up. She lets her dogs shit in the house.
However, it seems Sharon is a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to accidental porn.
Now, that’s not to say she’s discovered a new niche of bongo films, where people get off with each other while in a train wreck (it’s only a matter of time before that takes off), but rather, her cheery daughter, Kelly, has revealed that Sharon was left agog after someone accidentally sent some smut to her mobile.
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