pop music - HecklerSpray

Cher Isn't Too Old for Pop Music, Releases New Single

November 25th, 2012 By Ross Semple

It's good that the whole Israeli-Palestine thing finished when it did, because it was about to be overshadowed by an even bigger news event. Nobody was going to care about that when they heard the story that everyone on the planet had been waiting for. Hillary Clinton must be a Cher fan, because she got that Middle East shit sorted just in time for the premiere of Her Cher-ness? new track ?Woman?s World?.

Now, the majority of the cynical press – of which I consider myself an integral member – will delight in the fact that a woman of sixty-six is still releasing pop music. They will call her ?old?, ?crusty?, they might even call her ?saggy vagina?. Either way, I doubt that many will look past Cher?s age, facework and sparkly wigs and just comment on the music.?

Syrian Dictators Really Have Comical Tastes In Music

March 16th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Bashar al-Assad, that's a name that rolls of the tongue doesn't it? Unsure who he is? Don't worry; we don't expect you to know. After all, he doesn't host a TV series on archaeological digs, have a range of puddings out in middle class supermarkets or own a Premiership football club.

Therefore he's effectively a figment of your imagination and not a concern to anyone. In Syria however, he's a household name where he's the president. Think Prime Minister David Cameron is a bit of dick with his policies? Compared to Bashar al-Assad, he's a saint. At least Cameron doesn't violently bludgeon peace protestors to death.

Whilst killing your own citizens is a grim subject that can't be made funny with any comedy vajazzling, surely there's something we can look at. Why would a man hurt his own people? Did he have a bad childhood? Even though we?ll never know the full reasons, his music collection won't ever put Bashar al-Assad in a good mood. He's allegedly a fan of annoyances like LMFAO and horse faced Leona Lewis.

Mel B Wants To Sleep In A Cot, Like There’s Nothing Weird About It At All

March 15th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Mel B is quite obviously nuts. She had sex with Eddie Murphy and didn’t think it was weird at all. He was probably dressed like Mama Klump at the time. Since then, she’s look rather dead in the eyes. So is this a story to say she’s sorted herself out?

Christ no.

Mel B now wants to sleep in a cot. You heard. She wants a giant cot to sleep in, like she’s some kind of farting baby.

Mick Jagger Hates David Cameron But Likes Counting Beans

January 25th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Mick Jagger, a man with a face like a thousand ballsacks, is no political football! Nosiree! He doesn’t like to be aligned to any party, mainly because he knows that its not in his interests to side with anyone, lest he lose a bunch of fans.

With that, he doesn’t like Prime Minister David Cameron trying to rim him for public favour.

See, Davey Boy Cameron invited Mick Jagger (with all that swagger, whatever that means these days) to an event in?Switzerland. The event was about economics. Or, if you prefer, everyone out there was opening bank accounts so they don’t have to pay their taxes. That’s precisely what was going on.

Ellie Goulding’s Massive Jaw, Now Utterly Single

January 9th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

The Rocky Dennis of pop, Ellie Goulding, has really got something to be justifiably long-faced about – she’s only gone and split up with some boyfriend that we didn’t even know she had in the first place.?

Tragic news.

It transpires that her now-ex goes by the name of Greg James and, remarkably, he’s a Radio One DJ! Nope. Still never heard of him. We’re sure he’ll have a lot of fun playing Goulding’s records in the future when she’s bothering the hit parade.

Cheryl Cole Set To Be ‘New Jonathan Ross’, Or: International Good Ideas Factory Closes Down For Business

January 4th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Okay. Hands up. Who’s missed Cheryl Cole? Hello? Did you hear us? Why can we hear tendons snapping? Well – erm – YOU’RE IN LUCK!

For that X Factor Expert and all round amazing woman what is good at chatting to people on strange curved sofas that don’t exist anywhere except post-watershed Channel 4 programmes has ‘reportedly’ (and Jesus Christ, we use that term lightly, this story was pulled from Star Magazine, where half the office are frequented by Nick Hardman’s idea of what women look like, and the rest: Frogs) agreed to be the face of a new late night chat show, like that time they did it with Charlotte Church, as part of the What To Do With Down to Earth Welsh People Scheme of 2006.

Anyway, the consensus seems to be it’s going to be a show kind of on the same lines.

Gary Barlow Thinks Modern Pop Videos Are Too Sexual (Take That Would Never Do Such A Thing!)

November 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Gary Barlow has always shared a certain stuffiness of his namesake, Ken Barlow. He was always something of a curmudgeon in the world of the boy band, and as he gets older, he’s showing no signs of changing.

Grumping into view, Barlow has criticised modern pop videos, saying that they’re just too rude.

You wouldn’t get Take That rolling around half naked with women smearing food all over their bared chests, thrusting their glittering thongs into camera in the Do What You Like video, would you? Never.

X Factor Week 8 Review: American Weird Stuff in London

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Before we begin, we just want to say one thing. we're sorry. ?No, listen. WE’RE sorry. Remember how you watched The X Factor for 2 and a half hours on Saturday? Well we're going to tell you about that in quite an unnecessary amount of detail now.

And what's more, you're going to like it. Yeah, in a sexually testing sort of way. Yep. Yeah, you're going to feel vulnerable and alone afterwards. No, we don't do cuddles, that's how people get attached. You kind of knew what you got yourself into when you turned on ITV1 on the 20th?of August 2011.

Or when you then subsequently googled ?Kelly Rowland’, followed by ‘The point of anything in the universe at all? with mild curiosity. So, in a way – you deserve what is about to happen to you.

Cheryl Cole Blows Up Simon Cowell With A Massive Bomb Given To Her By The Army

September 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Have you ever looked at Simon Cowell and thought to yourself; ‘I’d like to get a load of plastic explosives and blow him and his botoxed face off the face of the Earth, just for giggles’?

Well, that’s exactly what Cheryl Cole did yesterday. Remarkably, she did it with the help of the British Army.

We don’t remember seeing Simon Cowell’s face on the infamous War On Terror playing cards though. Paula Abdul, yes, but no Cowell.

X Factor Week 3 Review: More People Insist On Wearing Denim And Making Loud Noises

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

It's week three, and we're all still clinging on, like a shivering, frostbitten Leonardo Di Caprio desperately grasping hold of Kate Winslet's plank. It’s kind of nice.

We began with a rare montage of previous X Factor successes ?dominating the charts?. Cher Lloyd, JLS and Olly Murs. Meanwhile, last year’s winner Matt Cardle is co-writing his debut album with David Sneddon.

Also, every single music video of the ex-contestants shown in this sequence employ the use of LIVE ACTION and ANIMATION and subsequently look like various scenes from Space Jam. Every single one. It's bizzare. Somewhere out there, Thom Yorke can be heard hastily adjusting the black and white settings on Windows Movie Maker.