God, look at you all.

Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.

You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.

That’s where Readers’ Letters comes in. Every week we plunge our heads into the faeces clad Water Closet of the hecklerspray bedsit and extract from its odious bowels the hecklerspray Post Bag. It’s enough to make a porn star gag and yet we do it for you as a public service.

A community service, if you will. Ordered by the courts to pay off libel charges.

So here it is. This week’s delve through the detritus.

The internet. It’s so full of homophobes that you’d think it was like a giant, multi-billion-user British National Party meeting. The constant slew of comments coming from graduates of the Youtube School of Intelligent Thought is enough to make your blood boil until it resembles a fine Port. Take this example. You see, homophobes really like to drive home their point by making it in every available space:

The word ‘gay’ appears in an insulting tone a whopping seven times in a three word comment. To all of you, there is only this message. Being gay isn’t something that should be seen as an insult. It’s not insulting to be called gay. It’s just… not.

Of course, sometimes the homophobes manage to dress their homophobia up as a social commentary. In the case of Diane Richardson (her home address is not available at request), she’s chosen to stand in complete opposition to reasonable thought:

Gays have no right to inhibit free speech or define gay. Who do they think they are? Answer: Nobody! Some people ARE born gay I’ve witnessed this in my own family but a huge majority are gay by CHOICE, for instance poor men. Many poor men perform gay sex acts on men for money and in prison heterosexual men have forced and consensual sex with each other. After they’re released they go home to their women. (gross) Anne Heche (loved her hair) was gay for a while.
Sandusky, Bernie Fine , Eddie Long (all GOP) and other pedophiles are GAY because they engaged in sex with underage and adult males. Gays spent a lot of energy trying to convince everyone that pedophiles were straight. Fail! These guys had sex with boys and young men.

Well, there you go then. Here at hecklerspray, we like to start with the really vitriolic crap before we lapse into a more relaxed meander through the scores of people that despise us, not an entire group of people. It’s easier that way.

Speaking of people that absolutely despise us, Libertines fans have been sitting with their thumbs in their mouths, desperately hoping that someone would care enough to write an article about them and hark! Someone did. What did the article say? Does that matter when it provoked so much fury from One Eyed Jacks?

Worst article ever from a talentless author without any sensitivity for good lyrics and musicality.

Hmm… maybe he hasn’t heard The Libertines before. Still, fans of ‘The Mad-Libs’ aren’t the only group of righteous, entitled git-pots to get in touch this week. Earlier, Editor Mof flippantly mentioned Toni Braxton‘s numerous bankruptcy claims in an article about Whitney Houston’s moaning coupon and prompted furious scenes amongst Toni’s fan base.

Read that again.

Toni Braxton’s fan base.

We know. Give yourself a moment to take it in before you read what Brittani had to say:

You should really get your facts straight about Toni Braxton before you start speaking negative about her. That is pure ignorance! Don’t ever talk about Toni again unless it’s on a positive note! Shame on you! You shouldn’t be talking about Whitney either but I guess some people just have nothing else to do with their life but judge others…

Err… right. Sorry. We’ll never talk about Toni Braxton again. She can go on the pile of ‘Celebrity Irrelevancies That We Can’t Mention Because They’re Too Cripplingly Dull” along with Timmy Mallet and Sylvester Stallone’s Mum. It’s the only honour she’s ever likely to win again. This promise didn’t deter Richard though:

There was no need to use Toni Braxton’s name in this article, especially in a vicious mean way, you need to hope you never find yourself sick and in financial trouble, since you seem to think you’re better than others. Quite a shame.

Thanks for hoping that we never find ourselves in financial trouble! Would you be willing to help us out by setting up donations of just £4 a month that would allow Euan Davidson & Miss Robotnik to feed their monstrous cocaine habits? Anything you can give would help.

Let’s face it, everyone’s in financial trouble and we only have Toni Braxton to blame. Still, if you need someone else to blame, why don’t you try everyone’s favourite sexual pariah? No, it’s not Gary Glitter, it’s Caroline Flack! You already know that she’s limping through faked orgasms with human libido Harry Styles but did you know that someone calling themselves Harry Styles left a comment on our articles.

As usual with this kind of thing (see the Readers’ Letters Tom Hardy Special), we can only assume that the comment is from the floppy-haired-erection-monster and treat the comment with the necessary respect.

Harry styles is a cute nice boy Caroline you need a life touching body parts of q 17 year old you could be his mother you fucking idiot get a life and a real boyfriend and if you to get so serious the whole world will hate you Caroline and Harry one direction would be over and bye bye to your fans and Harry I am saying this for you I love your music and you

Harry Styles: demonstrable egomaniac. Not only is he a certified narcissist, he’s also criticising Caroline Flack for her love of tossing him off behind the bike sheds. Oh wait. Hang on. Maybe this isn’t Harry Styles talking about himself in the third person but some jealous One Direction fan who spends 3 hours of every day ‘worshipping’ their Harry Styles doll.

Still, at least worshipping a Harry Styles doll is closer to human contact than being in love with a video game. Yes, the announcement of Resident Evil 6 has seen accidental ejaculations all across the gaming world with one fan’s excitable eruption registering as a 2.3 magnitude Earthquake. The comment below- from Sasha- is indicative of the kind of response our article garnered from Capcom’s verbose and witty fan base.

”’_”’ ???_??? ^^^_^^^ “””_””” $$$_$$$ %%%_%%%** (LOL)** I LOVE U RESDENT EVIL

Moving away from video games and on to TV now as yet more comments pour in on our article which compares The Office with its American counterpart. The sporadic running battles on this comments section have largely turned into a series of vitriolic, xenophobic rants. Like Up Yours, who shoved a flaming envelope through our letterbox before flying home on a nuclear missile.

hey I bet this was some british fuck doing this review its cool to have country pride but just remember the AMERICAN REVOLUTION…… america!!!!! so quit being byes you uk fuck ….the office america wins this thats why it lasted 8 seasons …. suck that…you BOSTON TEA PARTY FUCK

TO ARMS, MEN! THE AMERICANS ARE COMING BACK FOR ROUND TWO! Of course, we’d usually moan about the fact that this article was written three years ago and have a good ol’ chuckle at the idiocy of the man who still believes this argument is relevant. However, given that our friend doesn’t appear to operate in the same area of time-space as us, that line would be redundant. This guy believes the Tea Party has just happened. This man is from the past.

ALL HAIL THE TIME LORD!

Before we all bow down in glorious acquiescence to our new ruler, we’ll leave you with this. Someone didn’t like us having a laugh at Drake’s expense.

Wow this is the worst article ever. Seriously. Kill yourself.

This can be roughly translated as:

Everyone who doesn’t like the same thing I like should either kill themselves or be murdered because my opinion is correct on every single point of minutiae.

So cheers for that, Comrade Stalin.

Until next week, our Semen-Stained Overlords.

Can it really be that time of year again? The ‘feel sorry for Anne Heche but not really’ time of year?

It must be, because Anne Heche is moping around court because her TV show got cancelled and now she can’t even pay her child support bills.

Seriously, is this how bad the credit crunch has got? It’s scary to think that not even a famous actress like Anne Heche can pay for the upbringing of her children because the measly $65,000 she gets for each of her tiny movie roles won’t cover the cost of keeping her two international homes, her cars and all her other various expenses. Maybe we should stage a telethon for her.

Remember that TV show Men In Trees? No, us neither. Shame it wasn’t better, really, because if it was then maybe Anne Heche wouldn’t have had to go to court just now and whine about being so poor.

You’ll know Anne Heche, of course, as the woman who regularly does things that make you feel a little bit sorry for her until you realise that actually she’s being a dick. And the terrible Psycho remake, probably. Last year Anne Heche made the news for losing custody of her child to her ex-husband Coley Laffoon. Sad, but only until you realise that her main argument for keeping custody was that her ex-husband wanked and played ping-pong a lot.

It’s a pattern that stretches way back, past the time that Anne Heche started a lesbian affair with Ellen DeGeneres and then broke it off so she could tour around America telling everyone how God had cured her of her homosexuality all the way back to when she invented the alter ego of hers who could talk to aliens. You know, the one who was Jesus’ half-sister.

Anyway, it’s time for the cycle to come around again, because Anne Heche has gone to court claiming that she can’t pay her child support bills because she’s been a tragic out of work actress since Men In Trees got cancelled. E! Online reports:

“Since January 18, 2008, I have been unemployed and had no income from unemployment except for one very short term contract for a movie role for which I received a total of $65,000, approximately the amount I received for one episode of Men in Trees [which has not been renewed for a third season],” Heche’s filing states. Among the expenditures listed are private school tuition for Homer, rent for her L.A. residence, the mortgage on her Vancouver abode and miscellaneous auto and personal expenses. Heche says the $240,000 she received in January from the sale of her and Laffoon’s Hollywood home is already long gone.

Anne Heche got paid $65,000 an episode for Men In Trees? Yeah, we remember that time we got paid a total of $2,275,000 just for going to work 38 times as well. We barely know how we managed to get by. We literally had to dig through other people’s rubbish because our servants kept serving us our whole roast suckling pig on cold plates. Cold plates! What did they think we were? Animals?

Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that the court granted Anne Heche’s wish to suspend her child support payments for the month of July, potentially putting their son’s private school tuition in danger. That might be a good thing, though – after all, the less educated he is, the longer it’ll take him to realise that his mother seems to be a Curly Wurly short of the full selection pack.

Read more:

Anne Heche Doesn’t Have to Pay for July – E! Online

Like many people, when we have genuinely serious problems our first thought is "Why isn't there a tubby out-of-touch ginger posho millionaire around to shriek patronising advice at us?"

Luckily, one poverty-stricken family in Hull will be getting that exact treatment. Minor royal and all-around annoyance Fergie is going to live with them to help shine a light on what life's like for the cruel minority who, for whatever reason, don't live in massive New York penthouse apartments.

Fergie's doing this for a new ITV reality show, of course, called The Duchess In Hull. It'll be broadcast in the summer, backed by an ITV2 spin-off show called Someone Get Me The Bleach, One Of Them Just Touched Me And I Don't Want To Catch AIDS.

Say what you like about ITV, but you can't deny that it loves its poor people. The Jeremy Kyle Show may as well be called Bad-Suited Pikey-Taunt Hour, while every couple of weeks there'll be a Tonight With Trevor McDonald special called I Sold My Baby To Buy Chips.

This could be because poor people are the only ones desperate enough to spend whatever pittance they earn texting ITV competitions to try and win one of the cash prizes that keeps getting dangled an inch from their face during GMTV and This Morning – but regardless of the reason, ITV has decided to rope in a minor royal to augment its celebration of poverty this summer.  

Fergie – not the knicker-wetting Black Eyed Pea Fergie but the middle-aged ginger woman who used to be married to one of the Queen's sons Fergie – has signed up for new ITV reality show The Duchess In Hull, where she'll visit Preston Road, one of the poorest communities in the country, trail a bunch of single mothers and tut every time they eat crisps as The Times reports:

She promised to use her experience of “eating disorders, low self-esteem, family conflict, financial crisis, divorce and bereavement” to help families on the estate to improve their lifestyle…Families in Preston Road have some of the lowest incomes in Britain, as well as high levels of teenage pregnancy, crime and unemployment. The estate has been selected for a £55 million regeneration scheme. The duchess said: “I do like being with people at street level, where I feel they accept me as I am.” … On her first day she was taken on a shopping expedition with fellow single mothers to Netto, a low-budget supermarket. The duchess picked out cream crackers and margarine.

Funny that, because if we were Fergie we'd hate for people to accept us as we are. That's because Fergie is essentially a needy overprivileged aristocrat who was briefly the most ridiculed woman in the country and seems to think that poor people will take to her because she's a single mother, even though one of her kids is on the cover of fucking Tatler this month and her mother-in-law is the sodding Queen of pissing England. Accepting us for what we are would be the last thing we'd want people to do.

Anyway, it seems as if Fergie's stay with the poor did the trick, because one woman she stayed claims to have lost a stone in a single week thanks to Fergie's intervention. Well, stamping your feet and screaming "I hate that stupid jumped-up cow!" non-stop does burn up a lot of calories.

Read more:

Duchess of York gives diet and debt advice to city’s poor families - Times