Posts tagged as:

police

Cops Pull Switchblade On Solange Knowles’ Gigantic Banana

by Mof Gimmers

How was your bank holiday weekend? Chances are, it wasn’t nearly as eventful as Solange ‘Beyonce’s Sister’ Knowles… unless of course, you’re always having policemen stab your giant banana with a switchblade. Of course, in America, it is tradition to carry a humongous banana with you when you’ve found out you’re going to be an [...]

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Abercrombie & Fitch Hate Jersey Shore’s The Situation More Than You Do

by Mof Gimmers

You know Jersey Shore? That’s right – the thing you can blame dreck like Geordie Shore and The Only Way Is Essex on. Well, one of the stars of the show – The Situation – is a monumental penis who has somehow weaselled his way into the VIP section. So all is well? Not quite. [...]

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Queens Of The Stone Age Man Faces 15 Years In Prison

by Mof Gimmers

Hello fans of grot-boogiests, Queens of the Stone Age! As you know, trouble has followed this band around for some time now, not that anyone minds. You can pass it off as being ‘rock ‘n’ roll’ can’t you? Like they’re some kind of outlaws. Well, since Nick Oliveri left the band, things have been pretty [...]

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Nicki Minaj’s Nipple Upsets The Whole Of America

by Matthew Laidlow

How did people entertain themselves in the days before electricity was invented? Imagine life a trillion billion years ago when there was nothing on the planet apart from your fellow human and stupid animals. People actually had to use their brains to amuse themselves, urgh. Caveman drawings have given a small glimpse into what our [...]

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Wings’ Paul McCartney Had His Phone Hacked, Apparently. It’s Like Mark Chapman All Over Again

by Mof Gimmers

Sir Paul McCartney, of forgotten ’70s beat group Wings, has for some peculiar reason, had his phone hacked by ‘so-called journalists’ and he’s gone grassing everyone up to the police. Including us. We got a letter informing us we’d be under investigation. Even though we only have one PAYG mobile phone (the one with Snake [...]

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Nicki Minaj Fined Hilarious Amount For Potty Mouthed Appearance

by Mof Gimmers

Despite the music industry being in some kind of financial crisis, it doesn’t stop certain artists from flaunting their gargantuan wealth and having wardrobes that are more expensive than absolutely everything in Ireland and Greece combined. And so, when we need to make an example of them, we try and throw the book at them [...]

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Suicidal Louis Walsh Blabs About Cheryl Cole’s Love Life Like An Idiot

by Mof Gimmers

Louis Walsh. He’s been on the brink of a nervous breakdown since the last series of The X Factor when he got spectacularly angry about the existence of the film, Gummo. We’ve assumed that he’s been going under thanks to working with Jedward. That or some suffocating closeting he’s imposed on himself surrounding rumours of [...]

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Coheed & Cambria Bassist Does Lamest Stick-Up Job (A Potted History Of Mario Lopez)

by Mof Gimmers

Jesus Christ. If Coheed & Cambria weren’t lame enough, the bass player from the band (pictured right)  has only gone and done the most rubbish heist in human history. Not content with peddling wearisome lamerock, he’s gone and stolen some antacids from a chemist. With a phone. Seriously. The pinhead, called Michael Todd, couldn’t even [...]

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Pete Doherty Facing 5 Years In Prison Which Will Put An End To His Dreary Music With Any Luck

by Mof Gimmers

Syphilitic, limescale covered piss-rocker, Pete Doherty, has done us all a gigantic favour by getting in trouble which could see him getting five years in prison. Half a decade without his plodding, poetry-for-beginners, self-serving, bloated, pus-leaking indie dirge! Just imagine! See, this gasping berk who is the single biggest case for legalising Assisted Suicide (or [...]

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Aaron Carter Sampled Michael Jackson’s Jesus Juice (And Possibly More)

by Kris Silver

There was a time, not so long ago, when Justin Bieber didn’t exist. It’s hard to believe we know, but it’s true. “But who did you have to provide annoying bubblegum pop that sent tweenage girls hearts a flutter?” We hear you ask. The answer is simple, Aaron Carter. He was the brother of a [...]

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