When Jonathan Rhys Meyers isn’t running around New York unknowingly looking for his stupid musical prodigy son, he’s punching Frenchies in the face. It’s his passion, don’t you know.

Chances are you read that opening sentence and thought to yourself – “Yet another thing I have in common with that weird-eyed actor.” Well who doesn’t share that lust? Right? We absolutely love punching things that are French – be they sliced potatoes or Sarkozy ex-wives – we just want to give ‘em the ol’ salty knuckle.

Of course – we’d never do it publicly. That’s where Meyers loses us.

Chances are if you were a French man standing between Jonathan Rhys Meyers and anything that looks faintly alcoholic, you’re gonna get punched. It’s not really fair, if you think about it. After all, the French are a peace loving people who would give you absolutely anything you want. A good example of this is how they were so willing to make all their children speak German back in 1940. It’s probably a great country to border is what we’re saying.

Imagine then, if you will, the shock of a French waiter who only wants to make foreigners happy with bad food and a slight stink, but gets assaulted by an actor with a resume covered in Roger Ebert’s stomach chunks instead. It’s almost unfathomable! It’s unfair!

For the record – we don’t know exactly how a feeble Frenchman ended up on the business end of a Meyers-knuckle sandwich. What we do know, though, we learned on E!:

“For the second time in two years, the Tudors king is facing charges after an airport dustup, this time for allegedly punching a waiter at a bar in Paris’ Charles de Gaulle airport on Saturday. According to Agence France-Presse, Rhys Meyers was ordered to appear in court in September on charges of “willful violence, outrage, hitting and threatening death.”"

Would you like specifics as to the threatening death part? The actor told the waiter he was gonna gut him, fill him with helium, and then attach him with a string to that North Korean rocket that’s supposed to buzz Hawaii any day now. Very intimidating, really.

That may or may not have happened. What did happen after the French-fight is this -  according to the Sun:

“Boozy TV hunk Jonathan Rhys Meyers challenged cops to a drunken fight at an airport. He bragged how rich he was, threw euros on the floor and then told the officers: “You wanna hit me? Hit me!”"

Of course the police did hit him – but it was only with scared fingertips from a distance on a fully extended and double-gloved hand. We’re told Meyers didn’t even know they were there until his skin began to itch somewhere between 100 – 120 swats.

We think that’s what we were told. When you read as much as we do things begin to blur.

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And if you went to the reunion concert, at some point you more than likely woke up in the trunk of a car next to a spare tire and several bloodied police batons. Had you your senses about you, you’d have noticed there were 193 other unconscious people crammed in there with you – all of them wearing rainbowy shirts.

That’s because local police really cracked down at the show – enough so to confiscate over $1,000,000 in illegal drugs, among other things.

If for some reason you decided to attend the recent Hampton, VA Phish concert dressed like a giant doobie – heaven help you. Not only would your lame, all-day joke be hotter and sweatier than you ever imagined, but you’d have a devil of a time fitting into the typical port-a-johns as well.

Not so funny now, is it? Not with urine on your legs it isn’t! Your experience would get even worse. Imagine it – there you are gaily playing hacky sack with all of your unshaven, dreadlocked, itchy friends – and you’re having the game of your life. The sack’s been passed to you three times and you haven’t even had to apologise to anybody yet – when suddenly you get tackled and dragged off by your big fuzzy yellow boots.

You don’t know where you’re going yet – and you’re scared. The next thing you know you’re getting shaken upside down by three men in blue cop uniforms. Everything falls out of your pockets – including all your weed, your pot, your dope, your grass, your reefer, your herb, your Mary Jane, your Aunt Mary, your gangster, your boom, your ganja, your skunk, your kif, your buds, your nuggets, your blaze, your whacky tobaccy, your hay, your rope, your stinkweed – and worst of all – your pocket picture of the blessed Mother Theresa who watches over you while you sleep.

And you know what happens next – the cops take it all from you. No, really they do. As the Washington Post so delicately explains things:

“Police said Monday they confiscated about $1.2 million in illegal drugs and more than $68,000 in cash from concertgoers. Authorities also arrested 194 Phish fans during the three-night celebration of the band’s return to the stage after a nearly five-year absence. Most of the arrests were for drug possession, use and distribution, police said.”

The cops sure saw them coming, eh? And do you know where that confiscated money will go? Probably to police cruisers or something. And do you know where the drugs will go? Probably also to police cruisers once its been properly sold and what not.

Ah, who are we kidding? That would be completely unethical. Although the local police force couldn’t in good conscience sell drugs to raise patrol car money, they probably could shape some of the moistened cocaine into something fast with wheels.

Now just imagine seeing that flashing in the rear view.

We know – terrifying.

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We mean literally built right in, too – it makes him feel bionic or something. Originally he was supposed to use the arm-guns to fight crime, but now they’re just for awesome power displays at the Source Awards.

Gun arms or no gun arms though – recently as Puff was trying to enter a late night party, the cops were checking everyone for firearms. Combs got pissed, and then took off before the search began.

When you’re hanging with the likes of Sean Diddy Daddy Puff Puff Combs on at least a semi-regular basis, you can count on two things happening all the time. The first is that you’ll have to be extremely patient as he pretends to get vital information from mysterious government sources over his wrist watch. Then you’ll have to refer to him solely as James while you give him boosts into random building ventilation systems, which he’ll then crawl through army-style and sweaty looking for imaginary boxes with blinking lights.

The second thing you can always expect in his company is that you’ll probably get shot. You remember all his gun trouble from several years ago, right? Well so do the police. That’s why when he recently showed up to co-host a tediously hosted party – the cops wanted to frisk him.

Keep in mind they were frisking every single person who entered. The New York Post paints the picture for us:

“When Diddy arrived at 1:45 a.m. with a six-man entourage, a witness said he “flipped out” when cops asked to search him and his friends. “He went nuts, saying, ‘Why are you disrespecting me like this? Why are you doing this to me?’” Combs “stormed off and started to text DJ Clue asking, ‘What the [bleep] is going on?’ and asked if he could go in the back entrance.” When told that the cops would have to search him and his friends there as well, Combs decided not to attend the party.”

The common assumption seems to be that Combs was so anti-search because he and his men were armed to the teeth with guns, knives, explosives, elven bows and several coiled poison-snakes. The only people that know for sure are Diddy and his men. Plus the guy who probably lent him a rattler.

We think he went about this all wrong. If he wanted to get in with his guns he should have shot some people. When bullets are clearing your path you can pretty much go wherever you want.

Ask everybody in Iraq – they know.

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No, really, you shouldn’t mess with Sharon Osbourne. And you shouldn’t not mess with Sharon Osbourne, either. Because if you mess with Sharon Osbourne – or don’t mess with Sharon Osbourne – then you’ll end up getting attacked by her. Or not getting attacked by her.

Vague enough? Good. Because Sharon Osbourne is being investigated by police after allegedly attacking a reality TV show contestant who may or may not called Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. We hope that clears things up.

Here’s a weird thing – when Sharon Osbourne was a judge on X Factor, people loved her. They called her Mum Of The Year. They let her advertise Asda. They didn’t even mention her freakish haircut. Meanwhile, Cheryl Cole was getting arrested for beating up women.

But now Cheryl Cole is the judge on X Factor, and people love her. They want to be her best friend. They’d even buy her clothes given the chance. They don’t even mention her freakish haircut. And, meanwhile, Sharon Osbourne is being investigated for allegedly beating up a woman.

According to reports, Sharon Osbourne is in trouble with the law for getting into a scuffle with Megan Hauserman, a contestant on her reality TV show Rock Of Love: Charm School. And quite a nasty scuffle, too, if you believe what you read. The New York Daily News reports:

Hauserman, known on the show for her svelte figure and sharp tongue, alleges that Osbourne flipped out, running across the stage and attacking her. Osbourne, who hosts the VH1 etiquette competition, apparently yanked Hauserman’s hair and scratched at her until security separated them, TMZ.com reports. Hauserman went to the hospital, but so far no charges have been filed.

Apparently the fight started when Sharon Osbourne made a ’snide remark’ about Megan Hauserman, who retaliated by calling Sharon’s husband Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. Which is feasible but for a single fact; we’ve seen Megan Hauserman on a couple of reality TV shows, and there’s no way that her brain works fast enough for her to respond to anything – let alone a Sharon Osbourne insult – without spending 45 minutes gazing into space trying to process all the complex information first.

What happens now is in the hands of the police and, if the cameras were on at the time of the attack, VH1. It might even lead to Sharon Osbourne’s dismissal from Charm School if there’s an arrest, and that would be a terrible shame – surely getting Sharon Osbourne to present a show called Charm School involved employing a level of irony that can never be topped.

Well don’t speak too fast, sonny, because Sharon Osbourne is a fighter, and if ironically-named reality TV shows are what she wants to do, then we’re sure she’ll find a way to get one off the ground. And if she’s stuck, here are some titles to start her off:

Sharon Osbourne’s House Of Natural Ageing.

Sharon Osbourne’s Worthwhile Children.

Sharon Osbourne’s Shack Of Not Sounding Like A Wasp In An Echo Chamber When She’s Angry.

Sharon Osbourne’s Normal Haircut.

Sharon Osbourne’s Institute Of Not Going Violently Apeshit At A Bimbo (Allegedly).

You know where to send the cheque, Sharon.

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Then something happens that picks you up, makes you happy again and fills you with a beaming smile that somehow manages to envelop your entire body, filling your whole physical presence with joy from head to toe.

Take, for example, when a UFO sighting was reported somewhere in Wales, and this police radio conversation was conducted:

Control: "Alpha Zulu 20, this object in the sky, did anyone have a look at it?"

Officer: "Yes, it's the Moon. Over."

hecklerspray loves you, Wales.

Original Story (BBC)

Also, one day we'd really like to touch Cher - if we plan things right we can do it seconds before we touch that soap if you know what we mean. Some drunk in a bar was pretty set on touching her recently – he tried a whole bunch of times.

But alas, destiny was not in his favor, and she stabbed his throat instead.

She didn't stab him. We reiterate – Cher has never stabbed anybody. How could she? Her adult granddaughter was using the steak knife to cut Cher's meat into more age-friendly sizes.

Cher can cut her own meat. We reiterate – Cher can cut her own meat.

We are absolutely positive that people all over the world would love to touch Cher – and why wouldn't they? After all, if you touch her and then put your fingers straight in your mouth your spit actually becomes a gonorrhea-antidote – over twelve scientists have proved this.

That's why, when the horrible time comes that Cher lays down to give her ghost, Canada's already made a big jar to keep her skin in. They know it's gross – but it's for science. Once gonorrhea has been triumphantly defeated forever we can afford to put her skin underground with her skeleton – but until then, venereal diseases everywhere simply won't allow it.

On to truer news – Cher was sitting in some bar somewhere simply trying to enjoy herself behind a velvet rope, when some young drunk kept trying to get all handsy. Fox News says:

"Police say 36-year-old Calvin Hutton Houghland tried to make contact with Cher at the club early Wednesday morning and was asked to leave. The report says Houghland complied but returned a short time later and grabbed Cher by the waist as she sat in a roped-off area. Houghland was escorted from the bar, but he returned again and approached Cher in an aggressive manner. When security blocked his advances, he called police to say he had been assaulted…Police said Cher declined to prosecute the man for assault for grabbing her, but police said he asked to be arrested."

Cher probably spent the rest of the evening wondering if Houghland could be 'the one' for her, and sketching pictures on cocktail napkins of what she thought their kids might look like.

Two of them looked like the guy from Mask, which she wasn't as open to as she'd hoped that film had made her.

This is just what we heard.

However, Amy Winehouse has received a rare nugget of good news today – police have confirmed that Amy won’t be charged for that video of her apparently smoking crack like it’s going out of fashion.

What fantastic news! Now that this crack video palaver is out of her hair, all Amy Winehouse has to do is sort out her crumbling marriage, her multimillion-pound divorce, her drug addiction, her self-harming tendencies, her skin disease and literally single other thing regarding her personal and professional life and she’ll be almost completely back on track. Go Amy!

Nobody can really know what it’s like to be Amy Winehouse. That’s because to be like Amy Winehouse you have to be off your munch on crack most of the time, and if that’s the case you’re probably worrying too much about the heart attack you think you’re going to have to stop and think “Ooh, this must be what it’s like to be Amy Winehouse.”

But, hey, that’s just speculation. For all we know Amy Winehouse has never taken crack in her entire life. Yes, she’s taken cocaine, heroin, Ecstasy and ketamine to the point of a near-death overdose, but we can’t say for sure if she’s ever taken crack.

Yes, we know that The Sun secretly filmed Amy Winehouse smoking a crack pipe, and that as soon as the video was released Amy Winehouse checked into a crack clinic and that Amy Winehouse was recently arrested for smoking crack in that video of her smoking crack, but where’s the proof, eh?

There isn’t any. And that’s why the police have just let Amy Winehouse go without charge, as BBC News reports:

Singer Amy Winehouse will not face charges over a video that purported to show her smoking a crack cocaine pipe, police have confirmed. She was interviewed under caution by police in east London after the footage was posted online in January. “The Crown Prosecution Service has now reviewed the case and no further action is being taken,” a Metropolitan Police spokesperson said. “Amy is pleased to be able to move on,” her spokesman said.

Let’s hope this close shave with the law has helped teach Amy Winehouse a valuable lesson – next time anyone films her huffing frantically on a crack pipe, she should make sure that the video will only get sent to You’ve Been Framed and nowhere else. After all, if it’s shown on TV she’ll get £250, and that can buy you a lot of crack these days.

Yeah, allegedly. Whatever.

Read more:

No drug charges for Amy Winehouse - BBC

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of the minor act of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when travelling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

A Scotland Yard spokeswoman said yesterday:

“A 24-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of assault after attending a central London police station by appointment.”

The attacks supposedly occurred in the early hours of Wednesday morning – the exact same day she was revealed to be the youth of the UK’s ‘Ultimate Heroine’.

It’s a sequence of events that has no doubt got Mary Whitehouse shitting all over herself as she spins violently in her decently decorated, stinking, whingeing grave.

Add to this the fact that, earlier in the week, Amy was nominated for no less than three Ivor Novello Awards, and it all adds up to one of the most successful periods of her young life.

If hecklerspray had a week like that we’d be out on the town immediately, straight down to Camden to sample the plethora of class-A delights available to you on any given corner.

Go for it Amy! You deserve it.

Read More – Amy Cautioned Over Alleged Assault – Sky News

But not any more – not since Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora was arrested for driving his Hummer around Laguna Beach all shitfaced with his 10-year-old daughter in the passenger seat.

Unsurprisingly the police have taken a rather dim view to it all, and have recommended that prosecutors go all out to hit him with a misdemeanor child endangerment charge. But, really, whatever criminal charges may or may not be be brought against him, Richie Sambora will have to live with the emotional upset that comes with knowing that he endangered the life of his daughter in a moment of stupidity. And, on top of the emotional upset he’s already got from being in a really rubbish band, that’s going to be quite a lot of upset.

Between his terrible mullety haircut, his propensity for getting hammered, his awful band and his role in Earth’s stupidest-ever love triangle, Richie Sambora has enough on his plate at the moment. With so many conflicting desires, it’s no surprise that Richie ended up taking the easy way out.

Actually, that’s a lie. Getting arrested on suspicion of drunk driving while your daughter is in the car isn’t actually all that easy at all – you have to get drunk, find your car keys, round up your 10-year-old daughter, convince her that taking a ride with her obviously drunk father is a good thing to do, focus on the road long enough to pull out of the drive and then somehow manage to catch the attention of the police, all before the booze wears off – but you catch our drift.

And that’s what Richie Sambora managed to do recently. At the end of last month, Richie Sambora was arrested on suspicion of DUI with his daughter as a passenger. Richie still hasn’t been charged with anything yet, but the police seem pretty hell-bent on making the whole ‘child endangerment’ thing as official as possible. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Bon Jovi star Richie Sambora will be charged with misdemeanor DUI and child endangerment, if police officials get their way. The rocker’s daughter and her cousin were passengers in his vehicle when Sambora was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving last month, and police want prosecutors to get tough with him.

If it turns out that Richie Sambora really was driving drunk with his daughter in tow, then he probably deserves whatever charges can be hurled at him. Drunkenly smash your car into a tree and die, shame on you. Drunkenly smash your car into a tree drunk and kill your daughter then double shame on you, you massive boozy halfwit. That’s how it goes, isn’t it?

But just because Richie Sambora potentially faces a child endangerment charge, it doesn’t mean that he’s automatically going to jail. It’s just a misdemeanor child endangerment charge, so perhaps if Richie’s convicted he can get away with community service at a local factory and nothing more.

If that’s the case, though, perhaps it’s best not to let Richie anywhere near the forklift. Especially not if the factory’s anywhere near a primary school.

Read more:

Police Want To Get Tough With Sambora – SFGate

All we had to do was pull the string that was attached to our paper-cup earpiece and it lead us straight to Zac Efron’s mom. She was in our living room, even though clearly nobody would have let her in – after all she is a literal cow. It happened just like in Beastmaster, witches and all. Well that is certainly what it says on Zac’s Wikipedia page anyway – third paragraph down.

As we stood there watching Zac Efron’s cow mom scurry back to the field from whence she came, we couldn’t help but wonder how a major star, like say George Clooney, might handle an uncalled-for crank like that.

And the answer there is police involvement.

When George Clooney forced Danny Devito to go onto The View drunk, maybe he thought it’d be good for him. When he bravely almost fought Fabio with nothing but his bare hands and military-like strategy, it was because that too, would have been good for Danny Devito. Somehow.

One thing that is clearly not good for Danny Devito in any way, shape or form though is when Clooney get’s an anonymous voicemail that says:

"Dude, your friends asked me to give you a message: Dump the bitch before you're sorry!"

Ol’ man Devito don’t need that no-how! When Clooney got the message he was pretty mad. He knew it wasn’t a prank from a friend, and he was determined to get to the bottom of it. So he asked his driver to snoop all about it every which way. That's because most cabbies have an untapped skill of evidence gathering. The DMV tests them on that too. Also this particular driver is a well-connected cop who would stop at nothing until justice was served and George wreaked swift vengeance upon this one guy who dared to have a one-way conversation with his phone.

The copper wasn't a help, though, because the number went back to an untraceable pre-paid phone – keep on driving flat-foot! That crank caller ended up getting off scot-free.

Unlike Efron’s mom.

We’re going to tip her tonight.

Read More:

The New Yorker on George Clooney & That Voice Message Telling Him to Dump That Bitch Sarah Larson – The Bosh

But now she needs to worry no more, because the police have officially decided to take no further action with Amy Winehouse over her supposed role in her husband's GBH/ perverting the course of justice trial.

Finally Amy Winehouse can relax – and this means she can now hoof down as much crack as she likes without fear of being sent to jail and experiencing any upsetting periods of cold turkey in there. That Amy Winehouse, eh? What a bloody hero.

Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil is in jail at the moment. That might come as a bit of a shock to you, we know, because news of his incarceration has been strictly limited to every single word in every single newspaper published for the last six months and the way that Amy Winehouse can't even get through a solitary verse of any of her songs without shouting "My Blakey!" like an overzealous On The Buses fan with a funny haircut.

Blake Fielder-Civil is in jail over claims that he beat up a pub landlord so badly that the landlord needed a metal place inserted into his face and then offered him £200,000 to leave the country and change his story. But wait! Blake Fielder-Civil? £200,000? Blake Civil-Fielder?

It doesn't take a genius to look at Blake Civil-Fielder, all tatty hat and his sallow unwashed skin, and work out that he probably doesn't have £200,000. His wife, though, is Amy Winehouse – the five-time Grammy-winning performer of the biggest-selling album of last year. Maybe – just maybe – Blake got that justice-perverting money from Amy.

That's what the Metropolitan Police must have thought when it arrested Amy Winehouse on suspicion of perverting the course of justice a week before Christmas. But, although she was partly cleared of the charge last month, Amy Winehouse has now been completely cleared, as BBC News reports:

Amy Winehouse faces no further action in connection with her husband's alleged attempt to pervert the course of justice, police have said… The singer was questioned by police in December before being released on police bail to return for further questioning at a later date. But on Friday Scotland Yard confirmed that she was no longer required to do so. A spokesman for the singer said: "Amy is pleased to be discounted from the investigation and thanks the police for their professionalism in their dealings with her."

That'll no doubt be a weight off Amy Winehouse's mind – now all she has to deal with is her debilitating drug habit, continuing alleged issues with self-harm, inability to perform in public without sounding like a cat in a mincer and every single other aspect of her life whatsoever and she'll be completely back to normal.

But she's not out of the woods yet. Blake Fielder Civil today pleaded not guilty to his charges and will remain in custody until at least April. And that means Amy Winehouse will have to free up some time in her schedule to turn up to court hammered again. It's just a bit of a niggle, logistically.

Read more:

Winehouse will not face charges – BBC 

Both are foolish answers. The correct answer – the answer that dethroned Miss Nevada Katie Rees should have wished for – is "legal immunity should I ever lose my temper and kick a policeman because he catches me driving without a license."

If you hadn't already figured it out, former Miss Nevada Katie Rees is in jail for kicking a policeman after being stopped for driving on a suspended license. It sounds grim, but at least it draws attention away from all those photos of Katie Rees biting another woman on the tit. 

As far as dangerous jobs go, beauty queens are right up there with deep sea trawler men. You might that all a beauty queen has to do is Vaseline her teeth and drone on and one about how much she loves animals without ever showing enough independent thought to spook the judges into thinking she's a lesbian, but you're wrong.

Beauty queening is fraught with danger – you could fall over and kickstart an international dispute or you could find yourself covered in hives after a sabotage attack on your make-up. But worst of all, you could be a bit of a slapper. Look what happened to Tara Conner when it was revealed that she took drugs and shagged blokes and got drunk a lot. And look what's happening to former Miss Nevada Katie Rees.

In 2006 Katie Rees was Miss Nevada and was set to take part in the 2007 Miss USA contest. However, thanks to a series of spring break photos showing Katie Rees with her gob plastered around another girl's nipple, she was dethroned. If that hadn't have happened, Katie Rees might have been Miss USA by now, and would be touring the world's poorest areas giving hope to those most in need by showing off her lovely shiny hair and perky knockers. 

But it did happen, so instead Katie Rees is in jail for kicking a policeman and trying to elbow his eyes out. E! Online reports:

The former Miss Nevada USA… was arrested early Wednesday morning after allegedly roughing up a cop who pulled her over for a traffic violation. Las Vegas Metropolitan police said Rees was initially pulled over at around 3 a.m. for speeding, after which officers learned she was driving with an invalid license and expired vehicle tags. When Rees was told she couldn’t just drive away, she threw an elbow and began kicking the officers at the scene, who then busted her for the vehicular infractions and resisting arrest. The 23-year-old was… booked on six misdemeanor counts of resisting a police officer, driving with suspended license plates, driving on a suspended license and speeding.

As we speak, Katie Rees is still being held in custody, and that looks like the way it'll stay at least until tomorrow's scheduled court hearing on the matter. As much of a sorry slide as this is for Katie Rees, we can't help but notice that her run-in with the law is just the latest incident in a long line of vaguely famous, marginally attractive, slutty-seeming women attacking policemen.

Remember when newsreader Alycia Lane – who liked to send married men bikini pictures of herself – punched a police officer in December? Or when American Idol star Jessica Sierra – who starred in a sex tape – screamed racist and homophobic abuse at some police officers last month?

It's almost enough to become a police officer just for the women-meeting opportunities. True, they're specifically the sort of women who'll vomit in your car, offer you oral sex in return for a quick release, call you a faggot when you decline, and then try to kick you in the face, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Read more:

Ex-Miss Nevada Busted for Crowning Cop – E! Online 

And that's performing at the Grammy this weekend. Amy Winehouse is up for six trophies and she also knows that performing will bring her an insane amount of exposure, leaving more people than ever before whispering plaudits like "Is she OK?" and "My God, what's happened to her teeth?"

But Amy Winehouse might not be able to go to the Grammies this weekend, and that's because the police have just decided to talk to her about the video of her honking on her crack pipe like it was going out of fashion.

The Grammys are taking place this weekend, and the prerequisite number of godawful performances are ready to go. There's the Beyonce/ Tina Turner duet, which will finally give the world a before and after image of what Beyonce would look like if you kept her held down in bath water for three years. Then there's a chance that Michael Jackson will perform at the Grammys, although by 'perform' we probably mean 'spin around twice slowly while one of the Black Eyed Peas sings a line from Man In The Mirror.'

And then there's the performance that everybody's looking forward to – the Amy Winehouse performance. You see, Amy Winehouse is up for six Grammys and there's nothing she'd like more than to mark this achievement by performing during the ceremony. And if you ask her really nice, she might even sing in tune, tighten up her diction and not call the song to a halt so she can threaten the millions of viewers to a fight.

But before any of that, Amy Winehouse needs a visa to travel to America, something which might have been buggered up by that video of her supposedly smoking crack – not least because the police are now interviewing her about it. The Sun reports:

Amy Winehouse’s dream of singing at The Grammys this weekend could now be wrecked – after police quizzed her yesterday about smoking crack cocaine… Officers went to North London’s Capio Nightingale clinic to grill the star for two hours. A complaint had been received about Amy’s drugs binge exposed by The Sun last month. She was filmed smoking crack after taking cocaine, ecstasy and Valium. A source revealed last night: "She was not arrested. She is co-operating with police." 

Now, this might not be as much of a problem as it's being made to be. After all, when Kate Moss had a chat with police after that newspaper photo of her apparently snorting cocaine was released, all she did was flutter her eyelashes and she was released. Granted, that might have been because she's a supermodel and not a funny-looking toothless fairground worker who gurgles instead of speaks, but perhaps Amy Winehouse will still manage to overcome this.

And if her raw feminine sexual power won't do the trick, then maybe Amy Winehouse needs to remind the police and the American customs officials what they're at stake of losing if she's not allowed to perform at the Grammys. If you keep Amy Winehouse in England, there's every chance that she'll do an album of Christmas carols with Mika. And that'll be on your heads.

Read more:

Amy quizzed over crack video - The Sun 

Details are a little vague at the moment, but it seems as though police were called to the home of Britney Spears a few hours ago because she was refusing to hand her children over to Kevin Federline at the time appointed by their custody case and a dispute had broken out.

Not that it was just the police that turned up, though – in total it's reported that six police cars, some ambulances, fire trucks and a police helicopter also showed up too. Just as well, because Britney Spears was apparently found to be under the influence of an unknown substance. As such, paramedics have recently removed Britney Spears from her home conscious on a stretcher and taken her to a nearby hospital for 'medical evaluation' while Kevin Federline looks after the children.

It all sounds worryingly serious, and the last thing that Britney needs now that her lawyer has just quit, but don't panic too much – it's claimed that Britney Spears still managed to flip off the paparazzi from her stretcher, which we're taking as her way of telling us that she'll be just fine.

We'll no doubt have more on this when things firm up. 

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Britney Spears Wheeled Out Of House After Refusing To Turn Over Kids: Reports - MTV 

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department yesterday released its report into the DUI arrest of Mel Gibson last year, and it turns out that Mel got plenty of special treatment from the police. Apparently police attempted to hide aspects of Mel Gibson's arrest from the public, didn't sign all the necessary paperwork and even gave him a lift back to his car after he was released. Worst of all, Mel Gibson was also ignored by the female police office who he drunkenly bellowed "What are you looking at, Sugartits?" to, when official police procedure required her to curtsy, giggle into her handkerchief and reply "Why thank you kind sir" in the style of a wealthy plantation owner's daughter from 1860s Virginia.

Although 2007 has undoubtedly been the year of celebrity imprisonment – Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Foxy Brown, Bobby Brown, Tom Sizemore, Lane Garrison, Amy Winehouse's husband and Kiefer Sutherland have all spent some time in the can this year – but the world's best-ever celebrity arrest didn't happen this year, or even end up with a jail sentence.

We're talking, of course, about Mel Gibson – who last summer set a new high watermark for ridiculous celebrity arrests when police stopped him speeding through Malibu at 87mph with an open bottle of tequila in his car, only for Mel to start screaming about how he owned Malibu, how he'd "fuck" the arresting officer, how all the "fucking Jews" were responsible for every war in the history of time and how one of the policewomen had breasts that looked a little bit like monosaccharide.

The social fallout from Mel Gibson's arrest was so huge that he almost destroyed his career – because of the Jew bit and not the drink-driving bit, everyone does that – but the legal repercussions weren't that huge at all. Mel Gibson avoided jail and was hit with a watered-down probation and alcohol-education course punishment instead.

And although it happened close to 18 months ago, the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department has only just got round to working out what it did wrong when it arrested Mel Gibson.

In a report released yesterday that investigated the arrests of Mel Gibson and Paris Hilton – who was booked by the book, by the way – the Sheriff's Department has uncovered all sorts of special treatment that Mel Gibson got from the police during and after his arrest last year. Not only did police officers attempt to cover up the whole "fucking Jews" thing, but it's also been revealed that they didn't take Mel Gibson's palmprint when he was released from the police station, neglected to tell their superiors that he was being released, didn't bother signing the proper paperwork and then gave Mel a lift to the tow yard where his car was.

In all, this investigation has led to one two-day suspension and two written reprimands within the force. But more than that, the report is rock-hard proof that you get given a much easier ride when you break the law if you're famous than if you aren't.

Unless you're Paris Hilton. And if you are, we can only sympathise with you.

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Policy Violations Found in Gibson Arrest – Associated Press