What do we know about Snoop Dogg? Well, firstly, he’s a rapper. Secondly, he’s all long, thin and funny looking. Thirdly, he likes weed. He really, really like his cheeba. He mentions it all the time. So much so that you might think he protest too much and that he’s actually never tried it.

Or he didn’t inhale.

Alas, that hasn’t stopped him getting arrested in Texas this week after another canine with a nose for skunk uncovered a rake of marijuana on his tour bus. Seriously. We just assumed that he’s ALWAYS got a buncha hash about his person at all times. Why he’s not constantly being checked up on by the police is a mystery.

A law enforcement source told the ambulance chasing TMZ that Snoop’s tour bus was stopped at a border patrol checkpoint in Sierra Blanca. Another celebrity got checked for weed there too – say hi to Constantly Going On About Weed Willie Nelson. And yep, he got his collar felt by those same cops back in 2010.

Of course, the funny thing is, Snoop spoke up for Willie when he was arrested, saying:

“They better leave Willie the f**k alone.”

To add to that, they even cut a hilariously terrible song together. It’s called ‘My Medicine’ and we couldn’t begin to imagine what that might be a euphemism for.

Either way, the border patrol inspected the bus with their sniffer dog and BOOM, let us just check this waste bin here! Ah yes! Snoop Dogg In Drug Owning Shocker. Not too cleverly, Snoop… or at least, someone on his tour bus (him), tried to hide some joints in a red prescription bottle.

Of course, Snoop has a prescription for cannabis in California, but alas, that prescription cuts no ice in Texas. Oh. And they hate black people in Texas, so there’s that as well.

More news if we can be bothered to find it.

Wonderful news folks! Mario Lopez is getting married! We’re thrilled to bits. You see, we like the chap who played A.C. Slater so much that we turned a boring news article about Coheed & Cambria into a brief history of Mario Lopez.

He really is a very, very splendid man.

And now the Saved By The Beller is all grown-up and getting hitched to, quite possibly, the luckiest woman who ever lived. And something must be in the air because only a few months ago, Zack Morris (aka Mark-Paul Gosselaar) got engaged and… well… Skreech is still trying to live down his sex tape.

Mario Lopez is tying the knot with the beautiful Courtney Mazza. They’ve been together since 2008 and not that long ago, they had a baby together. She’s called Gia. Luckiest little girl who ever lived, thanks to having the most amazing dad in the world.

Of course, Mario Lopez has had a thoroughly fantastic life outside of babies, marriages and Saved By The Bell.

Currently, he’s working as a presenter on Extra (best TV show ever made) and America’s Best Dance Crew (the second best TV show ever made) as well as being the world’s greatest boxing analyst and sometimes host of the not at all strange Miss Teen USA Pageants.

Basically, he’s all kinds of wonderful. Mario Lopez is like life or death. Mario Lopez is like earth, wind and fire. Mario Lopez is like sex to a nympho. Mario Lopez is like ecstasy for ladies, he’s like all races combined in one man. Mario Lopez is like a poor man’s dream, a thug poet.

He’s half-man, half-amazing.

There’s no date set for the wedding, but the best pair of humans who ever lived are reportedly getting married in Mexico and the entire world has been invited.

We’ll be there, crying at the majesty of Mario Lopez.

Repulsive pus hammock, Pete Doherty, has stopped injecting scabs into his arms just long enough to decide that he’s being haunted by the recently deceased Amy Winehouse. No. Honestly. That’s what he’s saying.

The former Libertine and Babyshambler was, of course, friends with Winehouse when she was alive. They probably shared a needle or ten while drinking Tenants Super while passing out in front of Cash In The Attic.

Anyway, he honestly believes that the late singer is visiting his London home in spectral form. Of course, Pete being the delusional dipstick that he is, he’s run off to Paris to get away from this apparition. Surely ghosts can travel to Paris if they’re able to come from the afterlife? Either way, The Ghost Of Winehouse is doing something brilliant – SLAGGING HIS WRETCHED, DERIVATIVE MUSIC OFF!

A close friend of Pete’s said:

“He is utterly convinced that he has seen her ghost. A lot of people will think his visions are probably drug-induced but he claims he is clean.”

Close Friend, you took the words right out of our mouths. Of course he’s hallucinating and back on the gear. Why else would he say something so outrageously idiotic?

It’s not like he’s got form in that field is i… oh.

Either way, Amy Winehouse’s ghost is giving Doherty dog’s abuse over his music, which is the just and true thing to do when faced with his spidery, syphilitic little hands scratching out some weedy, poetry 101 horsepiss on a battered acoustic guitar filled with stale semen.

Doherty has said in the past that he had written a song for Amy.

He said:

“Amy Winehouse asked me a while ago if I had written any new songs. I played her something, and when I had finished, she looked at me and said, ‘Is that it? Is that all you’ve got?’”

Brilliant. Now, can ghosts murder people? If so, Ghost Of Winehouse, you know what to do.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

To be a successful female in modern America, you have to release records that are edgy, oozing with sex and somehow able to offend various subsections of society or else you’re just old fashioned.

Rihanna constantly tells us how she likes to engage in adult activities, Lady Gaga likes to dress up as meat and Beyonce likes to fake pregnancies (if the mentalist rumours are true). So where does Nicki Minaj fit in?

Some say she bypasses all of the above shock factors and does an alright job of reinventing female rap. Previously, Nicki Minaj upset America when her right boob popped out to say hello. Now conservative types will probably get into a fluster as she prepares to release new songs as a gender bender.

People have cottoned on to the fact that controversy sells. Frankie Cocozza will probably be offered a record deal based solely on his hair and the fact he has amazingly tall hair, drinks booze and wears jeans that are so skinny, they have begun to disappear up his own hole.

So what’s the story with Nicki Minaj?

Well, something posted on her website (since removed) said:

“Roman will be in rare form this time. You know why? Cuz he no longer gives a fuck. He realises that his core matters the most. Everyone else will figure it the fuck out. He can no longer be censored. That’s not Lewinsky on a$$. It’s Roman. He has 2 more weeks in boarding school. We’re going to pick him up now. When he lands, he will address the nation in the form of music. He will announce the date.”

Don’t worry if you can’t make head or tail of that. We’re here to help.

Basically, Nicki Minaj has an alter ego, gay BFF called Roman Zolanski. We’ve no idea how that’ll work though, and more to the point, Minaj has missed a trick.

Instead of creating a gay alter ego, we would have liked to see Nicki creating a character who was an actual Roman. Imagine him racing around in a golden chariot wearing nothing more than a leather studded loin cloth, beads of sweat dripping down his hard chiselled stomach, whipping the crapola out of his stallions and pounding out raps that seduce you into his mercy.

Honestly, why aren’t we creative consultants to anyone?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

For some reason, we’ve credited you slobs with some intelligence. Christ knows why. We’ve read the comments you leave. Either way, some of you ain’t so bad. Some of you have probably only seen Jersey Shore out of morbid curiosity.

If you watched it, you probably thought ‘By Jove! This is faker than Kim Kardashian’s wedding!‘

If you’ve been watching the antics of Snooki & Co, thinking that it’s BLATES REAL (or whatever you wobbling colostomy bags say these days), then we’ve got news for you. And someone with more spare time has made a video which proves it. OKAY?

The scene in question concerns Snooki and Deena having a fight in a bar.

Remember that?

No, not THIS fight involving Snooki…

It’s a different one. That said, the above video looks grimly real. No, this one involved a hissy fit in a bar and it looked for all the world that a bartender lobbed ice at Snooki and Deena which saw them trashing the place.

Have a look.

It’s clearly all bollocks.

Legally, we should say that MTV’s response was “It’s all real, and we couldn’t make this all up.”

You don’t care do you?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Drake is one of the world’s most hyped rappers on the planet despite releasing lame song after lame song. And his latest album, Take Care, has been delayed, presumably because it’s so poor that it’s hiding under the stairs, surrounded by people trying to cajole it outside.

As a teaser for just how lame it is, a new song called Make Me Proud featuring Nicki Minaj, has been leaked.

Yes, you can hear it over the jump and yes, Drizzy (when will this ‘izzy/’eezy thing end?) showcases rap in the style of The Little Book Of Calm. Again.

Talking about his lame process of making wet songs, Drake says:

“Whenever I make songs surrounding women, I always try to find refreshing stances to take as opposed to just like, ‘Oh, you’re sexy’ or ‘Oh, I want you.’ The song, it really came up in passing conversation, just being like, ‘I’m proud of you’.”

“Not even necessarily that a woman has to go achieve grandiose things to be proud; it’s just that I’m proud of you for trying. It’s hard to be a woman out here these days, especially to be pretty and especially to be smart and want something for yourself. So I’m just proud of you whether it’s Nicki or any girl that I’ve ever known in my life that’s doing well for herself.”

Did you hear that? Did it make you puke?

This song actually states at one point that Drake is proud of a woman who has just had a shower. Seriously. He’s proud of womenfolk because they are able to stand under water for a short period. Astonishing.

He’s not finished being a huge drip either.

He’s pushed back the release date for Take Care to give him more time to clear some samples. Talking like a trainee priest, he says:

“I do apologize for the delay but I promise that it is only for the benefit of our experience together”

Christ. Anyway, listen to Make Me Proud and get the sick bucket ready.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Oh look at you, all pleased for Beyonce and Jay-Z for growing a lickle baby waby inside her. It’s amazing isn’t it? She’ll go from Best Woman In The World to Shoving Stupid Pictures Of Her Spawn All Over Her Stupid Facebook in one felled swoop.

Of course, if you’ve been gawping at her, you will have noticed that she has been showing something of a baby bump off. This is so we can all coo about her pregnancy glow, right?

Well, rumour has it that, while she is indeed waiting on a baby, she’s not pregnant at all! NOT PREGNANT AT ALL. So what’s the muttering?

Well, as everyone is reporting at the minute, Beyonce is rumoured to be using a fake baby bump, thereby making her pregnancy more obvious.

Why would she do that? Because the publicity is nice? Probably.

However, if she’s got a plastic stomach on, then maybe, just maybe, she’s actually giving birth to a plastic baby. A baby that will never cry. A baby that will never age. A baby you can leave in a drawer and not worry about social services trying to kick your ass while you go on tour for a year.

Elsewhere, some site called Oh No They Didn’t, have reported that a surrogate could possibly be carrying Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby.

“Rumor has it that Beyoncé is wearing a fake prosthetic while her unknown surrogate carries her baby,” it claims.

Lawyers, please take note: We didn’t claim she was faking it. We claimed that she was actually pregnant with a plastic child.

Just so you know exactly what you’re suing us for.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

You. You’ve thought about dying. Of course you have. You’re a pathetic excuse for a human. Look at you. You’re an embarrassment compared to your friends with their careers, savings, mortgages and stupid pets.

Of course, they’re worthless and resentful as well. They know people doing even better than they are. And this continues all the way to the toppermost of the poppermost, where they tell us, it’s lonely at the top.

And so, the entire human race wants to die. And Nicki Minaj is expecting us to give two hoots about the fact that she wanted to die before she was famous because she’s foolish enough to think that fame will solve her demons. HAHAHA!

Before people started throwing money at her to buy new wigs and such, Nicki Minaj wasn’t having a very good time. She had a life much like the one we’re all currently loitering in.

And it was dark apparently.

*looks around*

Yep. It’s definitely dimmer than someone who is surrounded by neon lights spelling their name.

Nicki says:

“I kept having doors slammed on my face. I felt like nothing was working. I had moved out on my own, and here I was thinking I’d have to go home. It was one dead end after another.

“At one point, I was, like, ‘What would happen if I just didn’t wake up?’ That’s how I felt. Like maybe I should just take my life?”

And if she had, she would’ve been just another vaguely depressing statistic… but alas, we wouldn’t have heard of her, so we wouldn’t care a jot if she’d gone through with it. Sorry.

Alas, while us plebs deal with the fact that our suicide is less-newsworthy than skateboarding dogs and orangutan who have learned to smoke, Nicki’s now just fine.

“I will have put out five albums and will have an Oscar and Grammys. And I will be getting married and, a couple of years after that will have a bun in the oven… My whole life is about being Nicki Minaj now. It’s a never-ending saga.”

A never-ending saga that will end when she’s put our five albums and got married and junk. Great. Will nothing give mortals like us the will to carry on?

No. But here’s a video (we’ve previously shared) which will make you want to die.

No problem.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

For those who know their onions about music, they’ll no doubt be a fan of Sly Stone’s work with Sly And The Family Stone.

Basically, Sly and his cohorts invented funk, melded rock and soul and completely tore the infamous Woodstock festival apart, knocking Jimi Hendrix and The Who into a cocked hat.

However, while most of the ’60s superstars died or gently glided into decades of beigeness, Sly Stone has gone about becoming a dreadful wreck. After getting found with crack cocaine embedded in his clothes, he’s now taken to living in a car park in his van.

In his white van, Sly Stone now parks up in the rough Crenshaw neighbourhood of LA. It’s sad isn’t it? Sly will be beleaguered and humbled with humiliation, right?

Wrong.

Of course you’re wrong. This is Sly Stone we’re talking about. A man who got handjobs from women while he was pretending to record them for There’s A Riot Goin’ On before erasing the tapes so frequently, that the whole thing sounds like a muggy (brilliant) mess.

And so, while he’s parked up, he’s befriended a local family and uses the shower at their house. They must be Sly & The Family Stone fans because he’s also pinched their son who is now serving as his assistant and driver.

According to TMZ:

“I like my small camper. I just do not want to return to a fixed home. I cannot stand being in one place. I must keep moving.”

So, from being a megastar to trying to convince the police that he’s not taking drugs again and that all that coke in his jumper is simply from hugging his friends in the music industry, to living in a van, stealing someone’s kid as an assistant while crapping in their shower.

Why is he so broke? Well, he’s claiming that he’s no longer getting royalty cheques from his manager who he’s accused of fraud and he’s suing them for $50 million. In addition to this, he says that the FBI are after him and that ‘enemies’ have hired hitmen to kill him.

This is the kind of mental illness we can sit back and enjoy (until it kills him, in which case, we’ll end up writing saccharine obituaries about how much we loved him) while Roger Daltrey waddles around in bad shirts with his gym-tits.

Ah rock ‘n’ roll, thank you.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

You remember Boris Johnson, don’t you? He’s the blonde, mop-headed fool that bumbles his way through life from one gaffe to the next. He’s the Mayor of London too. You know, the one that had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, back from holiday during the riots. He’s a big pal of David Cameron. A lot of people vote for him because they think he’s hilarious. Are you following us here?

Good ol’ Boris knows what the important things are though. Whether it’s getting rid of those frightful bendy buses that interrupt everyone’s chauffeur-driven commute or apologising to stars who have suffered racial abuse at the hands of some lobster-skinned British git-bag that probably makes up most of ol’ Boris’ core vote.

Yes, you may remember us reporting that Kelis was racially abused at an airport when she went to go through passport control and now the singer, famous for bringing boys to the yard using milk-based beverages, has gone into more detail on twitter.

Kelis described her abuser, who referred to her as a slave, as a fat, pink-faced British guy. Boris Johnson’s investigation will likely hit a brick wall as the fat, pink-faced British man merges into the collection of other fat, pink-faced British people sloping around Spanish resorts, desperately trying to find a restaurant that will serve up a Full English and a fight.

Former Bullingdon club member Johnson took to twitter to defend the honour of the British people and reassure Kelis in the process;

“Heard about the treatment you received at a UK airport. Want you to know this is not typical. I’m appalled & I’m on the case.”

Kelis was at pains to point out that it was at a Spanish Airport subsequent to this. However, Boris has apparently shut down all major UK airports while he stumbles around with a child’s magnifying glass looking for clues.

The police are being much more proactive and are looking to speak to this fat, pink-faced British man, whose whereabouts have been unknown since the 2010 General Election. It is suggested that he may be able to assist with their enquiries. hecklerspray couldn’t possibly comment on what that means.

If you see him, don’t approach him. He’s a dick.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

How was your bank holiday weekend? Chances are, it wasn’t nearly as eventful as Solange ‘Beyonce’s Sister’ Knowles… unless of course, you’re always having policemen stab your giant banana with a switchblade.

Of course, in America, it is tradition to carry a humongous banana with you when you’ve found out you’re going to be an auntie (Beyonce is having a baby. Haven’t you heard? Expect a horrible ‘motherhood’ LP in the near future).

However, Miami police (the same ones that fished Sean Kingston’s nearly-dead body out of the water not too long ago) haven’t heard of this tradition and promptly tried to stab the banana, thinking it was some dreadful Godzilla thing about to rampage through the city.

Are you still wondering what in the Sam Hell is going on here? Let us explain.

Beyonce’s younger sis tried to get into a nightclub with a giant banana. The club wouldn’t let a giant banana in, so cops threatened to stab it.

Seriously.

The police say that Solange (easy on the eye) got all unruly with officers, while she says they were being racist. All the while, the giant banana just stood there, making the whole thing farcical.

Solange says:

“Never once during the incident did I even raise my voice. I feel very strongly about standing up for myself when something is wrong, and am very disappointed in the way that the Miami [Beach] Police Department has handled this case.”

She says that her and a couple of chums went to a club, and somewhere along the way, she obtained a giant banana, which they planned to give to a pal’s kid the next day. The bouncer at the club informed them that they couldn’t take the big banana inside.

Then, the group….

“…encountered two police officers who had casual, light-hearted conversation with them.”

It’s here that one officer “pulled out a switchblade” and threatened to stab the giant banana.

Solange’s rep says:

“They felt it was inappropriate, but the turning point happened when he then took out the switchblade a second time with the blade open and said to them, ‘I don’t find the humor in this, anymore.’ The blade was less than a couple feet away from Solange and her friends.”

E! News say that the ‘MBPD previously said that a 5-foot-banana-toting Knowles was the one who became unruly with two off-duty police officers, who then guided her across the street to calm her down. They say that she had been loudly complaining that she was turned away from the nightclub for racial reasons.’

Any clearer?

How dare you suggest we’re on drugs!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

You know Jersey Shore? That’s right – the thing you can blame dreck like Geordie Shore and The Only Way Is Essex on. Well, one of the stars of the show – The Situation – is a monumental penis who has somehow weaselled his way into the VIP section.

So all is well? Not quite.

See, while he’s the star of a hit MTV show, some people aren’t so taken with him. Despite the free advertising that comes with appearing on a widely watched show, Abercrombie & Fitch have posted a statement on their website asking Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing their clothes. That’s how much they hate him.

A&F say:

“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image”

Okay.

“We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans.”

Distressing? Really? What kind of simpering, spineless wimp wears Abercrombie & Fitch clothes then? The kind that feel distress when someone they don’t like buys the same clothes as them? Jesus Christ on a bike.

“We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and the producers of MTV’s The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.”

Wait. So A&F are offering money to people to NOT wear their clothes? Can we, the team of ‘spray degenerates, also have money? We’ll accept money to never buy your clothes, even in the past.

Seems like we’ve got an Abercrombie & Fitchuation on our hands.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Hello fans of grot-boogiests, Queens of the Stone Age! As you know, trouble has followed this band around for some time now, not that anyone minds. You can pass it off as being ‘rock ‘n’ roll’ can’t you? Like they’re some kind of outlaws.

Well, since Nick Oliveri left the band, things have been pretty quiet in Camp QOTSA. That’s not to say he’s managed to stay out of trouble.

In fact, he’s traded playing gigs naked for getting into all kindsa trouble which could see his hulking body hauled to prison, where someone who looks just like him – only scaled up – will most certainly make him a prison bitch. What’s he been doing this time?

Well, The Quietus report that last month, he got his bass-playing ass arrested after a two-hour standoff with police. And a SWAT team. That’d be the police who have guns for a living.

That’s almost impressive in its recklessness.

The events that unfolded could well see the Kyuss/QOTSA man booted into jail for 15 years. That’s older than most of Michael Jackson’s boyfriends put together!

Apparently, the cops were called over a ‘domestic disturbance’ between Oliveri and his girlfriend. Essentially, it seems like our bass playing lunatic was holding her hostage. When the police finally forced their way in, they (allegedly) found a fully-loaded rifle, a whole load of cocaine and methamphetamines.

Great.

Oliveri has been charged with one misdemeanor count of resisting, obstructing or delaying a police officer, two counts of possession of a controlled substance with a firearm, and two counts of possession of a controlled substance and no counts of being able to play in time.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

How did people entertain themselves in the days before electricity was invented? Imagine life a trillion billion years ago when there was nothing on the planet apart from your fellow human and stupid animals. People actually had to use their brains to amuse themselves, urgh.

Caveman drawings have given a small glimpse into what our ancestors got up to, but there’s one activity that is as popular as it ever was, and it involves the humble nipple.

From self exploration of your own, to nipple twisting someone else’s to cause them pain, its fun for everyone involved. You’d assume that everybody would embrace their bodies and not become overly offended by something they already have. Think again morons, because over in America, the sight of a nipple causes a blazing uproar and during a recent performance for Good Morning America, Nicki Minaj offended everyone. And probably Jebus.

Why is America is so anti nipple, yet doesn’t have a problem with giving away firearms with every tenth purchase in burger joint? Unless Americans have a genetic modification that allows them to fire lasers from their chests and don’t want the world to know about it, then hiding your nips ain’t on.

But it got us thinking – are people just sexist about nipples when it comes to men and women? On the front of beefcake magazines such as Men’s Health, vain and muscular types flex their buff bodies whilst bongo magazines featuring topless housewives are confined to the top shelves which are impossible for us to reach.

But sex indeed sell and women are generally easier on the eye than men. And the very pleasing Nicki Minaj combines the ability of being a decent rapper (listen to her show stealing section in Kanye’s ‘Monster’) and the whole Being A Little Crazy when it comes to outfits which may reveal a little bit too much for some.

It’s because of these sexy outfits that America has requested a system where potential wardrobe malfunctions are combated thanks to a five second broadcast delay.

We assume this is after the unsavoury incident when Janet Jackson exposed her boob during the Superbowl. Of course, parent groups in America need something to complain about on a continual basis, and this is the perfect chance. Some boring person from one such group of meddling spoilsports commented:

“For the umpteenth time in recent memory a morning news show has included inappropriate content for children and families. Instead of asking for forgiveness, they need to stop apologizing and implement the five second delay that so many Americans have been calling for.”

If Nicki Minaj had scrawled something offensive on her bare chest like “Bomb Christianity” then maybe the people complaining would have more of an argument. But crying over a bit of nipple?

Idiots.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Sir Paul McCartney, of forgotten ’70s beat group Wings, has for some peculiar reason, had his phone hacked by ‘so-called journalists’ and he’s gone grassing everyone up to the police. Including us. We got a letter informing us we’d be under investigation.

Even though we only have one PAYG mobile phone (the one with Snake II on), we do use it to get into people’s voicemails. We’ve got a great story about the not very famous comedian David Schneider, but that’s for another time.

Anyway, Macca is not pleased that we’ve been in his messages, very much in the same way his former wife, Heather Mills, was hopping mad (fnarr) that she’d had her voicemails hacked into and, of course, John Lennon’s chest was very much breached by Mark Chapman with his best gun.

Sir Paul says:

“I am going to talk to the police because apparently I have been hacked. I don’t know much about it because they won’t tell anyone except the person themselves.”

“I do think it’s a horrendous violation of privacy. I do think it has been going on for a long time and I do think more people than we know knew about it.”

Of course, these incredibly famous people aren’t bothered about us. They only want to sue famous people. The Muccas are subsequently going after CNN suet head, Piers Morgan, who edited the Mirror from 1995 to 2004. He’s getting all this lovely stick, thereby allowing us to get off scot-free.

Naturally, Piers denies any involvement in phone hacking, despite the fact he once wrote:

‘At one stage I was played a tape of a message Paul had left for Heather on her mobile phone. It was heartbreaking.’

‘The couple had clearly had a tiff, Heather had fled to India, and Paul was pleading with her to come back.

‘He sounded lonely, miserable and desperate, and even sang ‘We Can Work It Out ‘ into the answerphone.’

Aaaw! Bless Sir Paul. Although, he really should’ve crooned one of his more erratic hits. Any of these would have been great.

Still, funny how everyone is taking phone hacking seriously, given that everyone thought Heather Mills was mental for saying such a thing all those years ago.

You fickle ogres.

Meanwhile, Ringo wonders why no-one ever wants to hack his phone and has been seen handing out his phone number to strangers and telling them his pin-code for his voicemail.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!