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Lindsay Lohan To Appear As Herself On Glee (Tragic)

March 28th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

After getting in trouble with her mental dad, God, drugs, the law and a jewellers, Lindsay Lohan has been doing her darnedest to get back into everyone’s good books. Then she nearly ran someone over in her Porsche.

At some point in all this, she thought she’d have a crack at comedy, appearing on Saturday Night Live. However, she got a royal kicking there, which surely left her weighing up a drink and drugs binge. Why bother getting good if you’re just going to get slapped around?

Well, in what could potentially be Last Chance Saloon for LiLo, she’s going to try and put her SNL fiasco behind her and appear on?Glee. As herself. Does that mean shagging pornstars and crying onto an ankle tag? God we hope so.

Michael Says God Will Judge Lindsay Lohan (Psst – God Doesn’t Exist)

March 22nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, looks like a massive lunatic from where we’re sat. And we’re in no position to judge. That’s how wretchedly awful he seems. And he’s saying that LiLo should forget the judge, because it’s God who will want to kick her ass.

Michael wants to make sure she’s made things right with God, or else!

Of course, the neat thing here is that God doesn’t exist, meaning that Lindsay can sin and sin and sin, which is great for plebs like us who like to write about her and suppress our sexual feelings toward her.

Lindsay Lohan Apparently Has It Off With Skydiving Porn No-Mark

May 31st, 2013 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan is once again gracing our pages, this time, apparently having it off with a porn star. And the best thing about it is that she is supposed to have taken wang while her father slept in a room upstairs.

And the man who claims he put the tip into LiLo is someone we’ve covered before on these pages.

Do you remember Alex Torres, who goes by the screen name Voodoo? Well, he’s the bloke who made a skydiving bongo flick. That’s right. Its the guy who grimaced unconvincingly into a woman while hurtling through the sky. He’s ‘done’ Lohan as well. Possibly for money.

Pitbull Says That Lindsay Lohan Shouldn’t Sue Him (She Should Try Killing Him Instead)

March 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Pitbull’s fame, like David Guetta’s, is absolutely mystifying. They’ve featured on every single record made in the past three years and continued to be powerful movers-and-shakers, despite an obvious absence of talent or charisma. There can be only one logical explanation for their influence.

They clearly own TMZ and have so much dirt on the celebrity world that anyone who refuses their collaborations will be met with the most scurrilous rumours in print and leaked nude photographs.

One person who is about to be ruined is Lindsay Lohan who has decided to take Pitbull on, quite possibly, in a court of law.

Lindsay Lohan: Hit And Run, Police Involvement And Hurray She’s Back!

March 14th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Jewel thief. Drunk. Druggie. Violent. Broken. Ankle tagged. Rehabber. Corpse worker. Oh, and actress. Lindsay Lohan has had a colourful life hasn’t she? Then, she looked like she was going to straighten-up and go all Christian.

Then she remembered who she was.

And so, after drinking and getting her boobs out in Playboy, LiLo is back in the game, this time, running over someone in her car and fleeing the scene! Hurray! HURRAY! Bloodshed and tears! That’s what we want!

Snoop Dogg Arrested For Weed (Bear Also Arrested For Defecating In Woodland Area)

January 10th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

What do we know about Snoop Dogg? Well, firstly, he’s a rapper. Secondly, he’s all long, thin and funny looking. Thirdly, he likes weed. He really, really like his cheeba. He mentions it all the time. So much so that you might think he protest too much and that he’s actually never tried it.

Or he didn’t inhale.

Alas, that hasn’t stopped him getting arrested in Texas this week after another canine with a nose for skunk uncovered a rake of marijuana on his tour bus. Seriously. We just assumed that he’s ALWAYS got a buncha hash about his person at all times. Why he’s not constantly being checked up on by the police is a mystery.

Mario Lopez (Or A.C. Slater From Saved By The Bell) Is Getting Married!

January 5th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Wonderful news folks! Mario Lopez is getting married! We’re thrilled to bits. You see, we like the chap who played A.C. Slater so much that we turned a boring news article about Coheed & Cambria into a brief history of Mario Lopez.

He really is a very, very splendid man.

And now the Saved By The Beller is all grown-up and getting hitched to, quite possibly, the luckiest woman who ever lived. And something must be in the air because only a few months ago, Zack Morris (aka Mark-Paul Gosselaar) got engaged and… well… Skreech is still trying to live down his sex tape.

Pete Doherty Is Being Haunted By The Ghost Of Amy Winehouse (Who Is Slagging His Music Off Too)

November 15th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Repulsive pus hammock, Pete Doherty, has stopped injecting scabs into his arms just long enough to decide that he’s being haunted by the recently deceased Amy Winehouse. No. Honestly. That’s what he’s saying.

The former Libertine and Babyshambler was, of course, friends with Winehouse when she was alive. They probably shared a needle or ten while drinking Tenants Super while passing out in front of Cash In The Attic.

Anyway, he honestly believes that the late singer is visiting his London home in spectral form. Of course, Pete being the delusional dipstick that he is, he’s run off to Paris to get away from this apparition. Surely ghosts can travel to Paris if they’re able to come from the afterlife? Either way, The Ghost Of Winehouse is doing something brilliant – SLAGGING HIS WRETCHED, DERIVATIVE MUSIC OFF!

Nicki Minaj To Release New Material As A Fruity Gay Man

November 9th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

To be a successful female in modern America, you have to release records that are edgy, oozing with sex and somehow able to offend various subsections of society or else you’re just old fashioned.

Rihanna constantly tells us how she likes to engage in adult activities, Lady Gaga likes to dress up as meat and Beyonce likes to fake pregnancies (if the mentalist rumours are true). So where does Nicki Minaj fit in?

Some say she bypasses all of the above shock factors and does an alright job of reinventing female rap. Previously, Nicki Minaj upset America when her right boob popped out to say hello. Now conservative types will probably get into a fluster as she prepares to release new songs as a gender bender.

Video That Confirms That Jersey Shore Is A Giant Fake

November 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

For some reason, we’ve credited you slobs with some intelligence. Christ knows why. We’ve read the comments you leave. Either way, some of you ain’t so bad. Some of you have probably only seen Jersey Shore out of morbid curiosity.

If you watched it, you probably thought ‘By Jove! This is faker than Kim Kardashian’s wedding!‘

If you’ve been watching the antics of Snooki & Co, thinking that it’s BLATES REAL (or whatever you wobbling colostomy bags say these days), then we’ve got news for you. And someone with more spare time has made a video which proves it. OKAY?