You’ll all be pleased to know that singer George Michael is making good progress as he recovers from a recent bout of pneumonia in Vienna.  That’s good isn’t it? He’ll be cocking around the Christmas Tree in his giant house just in time to watch the Queen’s speech, before driving off somewhere,  full of festive pot and making us all throw our paper hats into the fire in disgust.

The 48 year old singer fell ill in Austria last month and breathing difficulties meant he was stuck in intensive care, while you lot ate your selection boxes early and speculated about stuff that was none of your business.

Earlier in the week boyfriend Fadi Fawaz claimed the singer would be out of hospital by December 25th and suggested there was nothing to worry about.  So that’s settled then isn’t it?

BUT WAIT! It seems that although he’s doing well, he may not be allowed home for Christmas.

SAY IT ISN’T TRUE???

It is. His spoilsport physician and ruiner of Christmas Christoph Zielinski said:

“[It's] something we are not in the position to decide. That is something that must be decided in consultation with the patient.”

Meh.

George was forced to postpone the rest of his Symphonica world tour after being stuck in hospital, but the real tragedy of this whole sorry situation is that those idiots from The Only Way is Essex have decided to release a horrific version ‘Last Christmas’  knowing full well that George isn’t well enough to run them over and give us all the best Christmas present EVER.

We were going to post TOWIE’s video but after careful consideration we’ve decided not to as we’re not complete bastards. Instead you can watch some really brilliant dancers from the 80′s get on the good foot to  ’Last Christmas’ and wish him a speedy recovery.

Look. No jokes. We actually mean it.

George Michael must’ve been running around the heath without his vest on because he’s gone and got himself a nice dose of pneumonia, which means that Hev from Eastenders won’t be able to go to his gigs because he went and cancelled them.

Y’know, because of the pneumonia?

George was hospitalised on Monday in Austria, so this must be a pretty bad cold he’s got. We need to know exactly how bad it is though, for a myriad of reasons. We basically need to be told whether he’s about to die or not.

When celebrities get ill, we need to be told explicitly whether we’re allowed to laugh or not. With Georgie, we’re not in the picture at all.

The statement reads:

“With great regret, George Michael has been forced to postpone his November 26 and 27 shows in Cardiff, Wales, due to his on-going illness.

“Plans to reschedule these postponed tour dates will be provided when available.”

This is all well and vague, but what are we supposed to do with this information? Just report it flat, as it is? No. We need to know whether we’re allowed to mock and whoop because, effectively, he’s going to be fine… or, indeed, we need to know whether or not to start wringing our hands with faux-worry and start talking about how important he is in the world of pop, despite the fact we don’t actually like his records.

If someone tells us how serious his illness is, we can try and put some context on the activities of his past. For example, if he’s going to be fine, we can somehow make his pneumonia look like its a result of recklessness, like the time he crashed his car while stoned or got his lad out in a toilet before an undercover cop.

If he’s about to perish and join that choir invisible, then we need to not mention his past at all, apart from glowing reference about how many record sales he’s had and any potential charity work he’s done.

Basically, we need George Michael to either sort himself out or die. We don’t mind which because these are just hollow words whatever happens.

Nobody could have ever expected Patrick Swayze – the man who wrote the embarrassingly weedy She’s Like The Wind, remember – to be this strong.

As if battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer and holding on for much longer than anyone anticipated wasn’t enough, Patrick Swayze now also has pneumonia beat. Last week Patrick Swayze checked himself into hospital with pneumonia, but he’s already well enough to be released.

It just goes to show Patrick Swayze’s tenacity. In fact, we’re starting to think that this Ghost‘s final scene all over again – God isn’t letting Patrick Swayze die until he chops a baddie in half with a window or something.

Since he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer last year, Patrick Swayze has never taken the easy option. Not only has he dealt with the illness in public, letting everyone know his fears and bravery in intimate detail, but he’s also found the time to film an entire TV series – foregoing painkillers and only taking one day off throughout the shoot.

And if that wasn’t enough, Patrick Swayze has even decided to take on additional illnesses as well. Last week Patrick Swayze admitted himself to hospital with pneumonia, and obviously the world feared the worst – the chemotherapy had ravaged his immune system and if it didn’t finish him off for good then at the very least everyone expected an indefinite hospital stay.

Turns out, though, that all the worry was unnecessary. Just one week later and Patrick Swayze is well enough to leave hospital and return home, as BBC News reports:

Actor Patrick Swayze has been released from hospital one week after checking himself in with pneumonia, his publicist has confirmed. Annett Wolf would not elaborate on the Dirty Dancing star’s condition, but said he was “well enough to have been released”, and was resting at home.

It almost defies belief that Patrick Swayze can continue to do so well in the face of such gigantic hurdles. In fact, if we were Swayze we’d see how far our luck could go and riverdance across a motorway or deliberately enrage a bear with a stick or something. The way he’s going, we’re pretty sure he’d escape from both unscathed.

Honestly, our admiration for Patrick Swayze is tempered only by the fact that he didn’t show this strength of spirit when he was choosing his movie roles. Because, really, he can fight off pneumonia but he couldn’t say no to Steel Dawn? Disappointing.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Comedian Bernie Mac died on Saturday after complications arose from his pneumonia.

And we’ll be the first to hold our hands up and say: we ‘effed up. Both in printing a story with contradictory information, entitled ‘See – We Told You Bernie Mac Was Going to be Okay’, then going on to delete said story from the site when news of Bernie’s death broke – it was a kneejerk reaction that, in hindsight, probably wasn’t the best of ideas.

In frantically trying to minimise the offence caused by the post, we ended up going against what hecklerspray is all about – so for both of these reasons above we say sorry.

Just as it was not our intention to say anything truly offensive, it was also not our intention to print misinformation concerning Mac’s health. Unfortunately, this is the way it sometimes goes with the Hollywood lark, and relying on the statements of a publicist who is saying the actor was getting better is something we will probably do less of in future, as it’s ended up with us looking like a right bunch of idiots.

Bernie Mac was a popular and respected comedian in his hometown of Chicago, as well as around the US. His profile had extended throughout the world with his burgeoning movie career, though his success and popularity were mainly centred in his native America.

Needless to say though – people knew who he was. The name, the face, those eyes – he may not have been the A-lister everyone talks about, but people certainly recognised the man and his accomplishments.

But what set Bernie apart from the crowd – from the legions of stand-ups turned actors, sitcom fodder and everything in-between – was his attitude towards life. Talking to the AP in 2001, Mac said:

“I came from a place where there wasn’t a lot of joy. I decided to try to make other people laugh when there wasn’t a lot of things to laugh about.”

There isn’t much more you can offer a man with an attitude like that than your respect, and we want to offer up ours through this somewhat insignificant tribute and apology to the man, his family, his friends and his fans.

In fact, there is incontrovertible evidence that Bernie Mac was a good guy – evidence that goes beyond the usual gushing praise the passing of an entertainer usually produces.

The simple fact that the man was very, very rarely featured on the pages of hecklerspray as anything more than a name mentioned.

This isn’t saying the man wasn’t famous enough, or that we didn’t think he was good enough to cover – it just shows that in his personal life, off the screen and away from the cameras, he was a normal, everyday family man. Not a pathetic, attention-seeking, money-grabbing waste of skin like so many of those that adorn these very pages.

So for that at the very least, Bernie Mac, we salute you.

It has been drawn to our attention, however, that a picture exists on another recently deceased entertainer’s website. The late Isaac Hayes, ex-Chef and Shaft singist who passed away yesterday, has a photograph of three celebrity personas who are, from left to right, Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes and Samuel L Jackson.

Is this a huge coincidence, or is it some kind of warning? Not that we’d want to pick up on any of this mumbo-jumbo, but the fact that the actors are in the correct order of their deaths… well… we’re a bit scared for Sam right now.

Have a look for yourselves. (Note that the site doesn’t seem to have been updated since Isaac’s sudden death, so this picture will probably be removed later today and replaced with a tribute to the soul giant)

Or just check it out here.

There are some ‘are they-aren’t they?’ games that we prefer not to play, as they’re simply not as much fun as they should be.

Assuming that Angelina Jolie has had herself some kids is one version of the game we’re more than willing to play. Even when it’s as clearly wrong as some people can be. That’s almost fun, if you’re into that kind of thing.

But a new take on the game seems to have been popping up over the course of the year – first we had Patrick Swayze and his cancer that was definitely going to kill him within weeks, then it didn’t, leaving the public confused and Swayze looking healthier than ever. Now it’s the turn of Bernie “I took over from Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels” Mac to keep the press and public frantically guessing as to whether he’s actually alive, dying or dead.

Frankly, it’s quite a morbid game and we don’t want to play much.

Bernie, 50, admitted himself to hospital on the 3rd of August and was subsequently placed into treatment for pneumonia. It didn’t take long for something of a mild frenzy to whip up, though at first most news was simply taking the ‘straight report’ route – as favoured by journalists that can’t be bothered trying very hard – telling the public Mac had been admitted for treatment.

Not long after, a new element was added to the game when reports emerged of an unnamed source – the most trustworthy of all the sources – saying Bernie was in a ‘very, very critical condition’ and alluding to him being either near to death or actually dead. Now, frankly that’s a bit unfair on the man, don’t you think? So, yes, he did do a far worse job than Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels 2 and his role in Transformers was forgettable at best – but there’s no need to start spreading rumours that he’s actually dead now, is there. That’s just low.

Thankfully, reports have surfaced today quoting Bernie Mac’s rep as saying these words with their mouth – whether they were angry, crying or simply aloof when spouting these communications, we do not know:

“Bernie Mac is still alive and being treated at a Chicago hospital for pneumonia and is expected to make a full recovery.”

But regardless of the emotional state of this so-called ‘rep’, at least they were concise, to the point and didn’t bother with baseless speculation. Frankly, those aspects make the guessing game too hard to judge. At least with direct statements you can almost accept it as fact, especially when it comes from one of these ‘rep’ things with a name, Danica Smith. She went on to say:

“Mr. Mac is responding well to treatment and will be released soon.”

The disease is, according to those that report these things as fact, not related to Bernie’s long-standing sarcoidosis – a chronic disease that can cause inflammation of tissue, especially around the lungs. Mr Mac, as it would appear he likes to be called, has seen the remission of the disease since 2005.

All good to know. Hecklerspray sends our get well soon psychic beams out to you, Bernie.

It's been a long time since we heard from Eminem, but in the meantime it looks like he's been keeping busy by eating cake and walking around in wet clothes.

It's been reported, you see, that Eminem went to hospital over the Christmas period because of a serious heart condition and complications from pneumonia, with sources adding that he's increased in weight to over 200 lb. Of course, this illness and massive weight-gain means that Eminem can't be called Slim Shady any more, and so he's thought to be deciding on a new name, with either Fatt Poorly or Pensioner'z Illnezz being current front-runners.

In the past you couldn't help but stumble across comparisons between Eminem and Elvis Presley – after all, they were both white boys stealing black music and sending it mainstream. But now the comparison has never looked more accurate thanks to reports that Eminem has taken on Elvis' fondness for tubby reclusiveness and bouts of ill health. While it hasn't got to the 'death by shitting' stage yet, it's understood that things are actually getting quite serious for Eminem.

TMZ has reported that Eminem was rushed to a Detroit hospital over the festive period suffering from pneumonia, a bad heart and worrying weight-gain:

We're told Em was taken to a Detroit-area hospital for a serious heart condition and severe pneumonia. Sources tell TMZ Em's weight has ballooned to over 200 lbs. Eminem 's publicist told TMZ: "Over the holidays, Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem, was under doctor's care at a Detroit-area hospital for complications due to pneumonia. He has since been released and is doing well recovering at home."

At first, news of Eminem's illness probably seems sudden, but it's only after some thought that you come to realise that, actually, what is it that Eminem does any more? Sure, he's sold millions of records, but his last proper album came out four years ago. Since then there's been a Greatest Hits collection and a weak mix album to his name and nothing else with little on the horizon. Frankly Eminem could have caught pneumonia by digging a moat around his house naked, or contracted his heart disease by swallowing bees for a bet for all we know about him these days.

So hopefully Eminem will get better soon, and maybe even think about making more music at some point. Still, ever the optimists, at least there's something to be gained from Eminem laying in a hospital seriously ill – it'd be one less opportunity for him marry his ex-wife and then divorce her another couple of times.

Read more:

Eminem — Not Slim Anymore; Big Health Scare! – TMZ