It is a truth passed down from generation to generation amongst Hollywood’s glittering elite. There’s no reason to make something if you can remake something. Hollywood film executives are willing to remake or reboot any film or franchise in the pursuit of artistic fulfilment*.

From tat like The Day The Earth Stood Still to horror classics like Dracula, it’s nigh-on impossible to escape the pervasive influence of the Hollywood remake in modern cinema. Hollywood is even willing to remake remakes and reboot reboots. One need only look at the treatment of The Incredible Hulk & Spiderman to see that Hollywood’s pursuit of film-making perfection** is a rolling juggernaut of epic proportions.

These big-money remakes of classics usually focus on films and characters that are omnipresent in the minds of the public, encouraging a sense of anticipation as idiots clamber over one-another to see the first teaser trailer on Youtube, while cynics raise their flared nostrils skywards and sniff loudly that it’s never going to be as good as the original.

Even the ‘modern classics’ aren’t safe. Those films that people loved as children for being cheese-filled romps full of dance sequences and genuinely awful dialogue are being recreated for the Glee generation. Just look at Footloose, a film so terrible the first time around that both Kenny Loggins & Kevin Bacon still have night terrors where they’re being chased around a small town by the blood-vomiting, putrefying corpse of John Lithgow. Now it is the turn of 1991 Surf ‘Em Up, Point Break to fall into the crosshairs of the Hollywood snipers.

Say what you want about the original Point Break; it’s not terribly good but it’s not terribly terrible. It is, without a doubt, one of those films that people remember fondly until they sit down to watch it one night and realise that they’d rather be face down in a shell-hole being stabbed in the back by a rusty bayonet than watching Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze play some hard-surfing, hard-loving, hard-men with Gary Busey thrown in to really ramp up the crazy factor.

Therefore, it’s the perfect film for Hollywood’s razor-taloned vultures to get involved with.

The remake has been picked up by Warner Bros & Alcon Entertainment who seem keen to get the film cranked out as quickly as possible, presumably in order to give it that rough, unprepared, ill-conceived notion that runs through most modern cinema. Yes, it really is a golden*** generation.

The film doesn’t have a director yet but movie-goers should have no fear. It already has a screenplay by Kurt Wimmer. Kurt Wimmer is the man behind 2010′s Angelina Jolie vehicle Salt. A statement released by Alcon Entertainment said, amongst other things:

“Kurt’s take infuses the story and characters with new twists and settings. We’re very excited to be in business with Kurt, and Michael DeLuca, Chris Taylor, and John Baldecchi.”

This is Kurt Wimmer the man who- in case you missed it- wrote Salt, one of the least original films ever made by human hands. Luckily for Wimmer it would have been the least original film ever made but Tom Cruise had to drop out of the part and it was hastily re-written for Angelina Jolie.

Anyone unfamiliar with Wimmer’s work should watch any Steven Seagal film, replace the strong male protagonist with a strong female protagonist and imagine a twist that’s as insultingly blatant as asking a young police constable to hold your passport while you beat his grandmother about the head using his own truncheon.

We can only assume that these are the twists to which the Alcon Statement refers. We can only hope that the new Point Break will follow Salt’s lead and include an obvious set-up for a sequel which it will never get.

*Cash

**Money

***Bullion

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Austria has unleashed some utterly famous people upon the world. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s brilliant quote about bodybuilding and coming still makes laugh to this day due to its totally stupidity

Then there’s Falco’s slamming anthem Rock Me Amadeus - a particular drunken favourite of ours and also the first Austrian number one single in the UK.

However, for every good Austrian apple like Arnie and Falco, there are a few cunts. One in particular would be Adolf Hitler, and now there’s a new cunt from Austria – Josef Fritzl. His disgusting antics nearly caused a plotline from Corrie to be pulled as one character faces being locked in the cellar. We aren’t clear if any incest was planned. Could you imagine Gail and David together? Eww

This isn’t the first time that real life events have gone and messed up film and TV shows. Hide and seek champion Madeleine McCann spoiled Ben Affleck’s film Gone Baby Gone - about a girl going missing. Crikey, that’s never been done before for a film! *cough* Man On Fire *cough*

EastEnders has also had to hastily rejig storylines too. Once again, the on going hunt for Madeleine McCann freaked out producers due to similarities between real life happenings and a plot which is made up, not real and only believed by morons

This time, however, we are happy to report Madeleine hasn’t got in the way of a programme. Instead, it’s the newest cunt of Austria and the world – Josef Fritzl, the lovely man who imprisoned his child in a secret cellar for 24 years

Cellars are great places for storylines. EastEnders started the trend when Dirty Den was killed and buried in the Queen Vic. And now we’ve just spotted a desperate attempt from Corrie to do the same thing as their soap rival. But it did nearly go tits up when the details of the Josef Fritzl case emerged. However, since the Coronation Street plot didn’t call for anyone with sinister facial hair to repeatedly get their daughter pregnant against her will, they’ve just decided to leave it in

Spoilers below or something in case you give a toss. Digital Spy reports

Producers have now given the go-ahead and viewers will see Dan (Matthew Crompton) locked in the cellar of the Rovers with a punctured lung after a fight with landlord Steve McDonald (Simon Gregson).

What a relief to know that while we curl up on our sofas we can watch a man slowly die in front of us. Family viewing at its best. Who said British TV was dumbing down?

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Corrie’s cellar plot to go ahead – Digital Spy