If we’d just been arrested for buying a bunch of crack and powder cocaine, we’d be fairly grumpy about it – start the day without crack? We’re not animals!

However, Tatum O’Neal is positively thrilled that the police caught her buying crack in a sting operation. According to her it was apparently the first time she’d bought herself any crack after years of sobriety, and the arrest was like a rough, humiliating intervention from Jesus Christ himself.

What’s more, Tatum O’Neal says that she only turned to crack because her dog died. Seriously. Maybe this is where Amy Winehouse went so wrong – she’d have been an angelic little choirgirl if her guinea pig hadn’t got the sniffles when she was six and a half.

Crack cocaine is no joke – it can cause convulsions, nausea, high blood pressure, anxiety, strokes and – in the case of Tatum O’Neal – the ability to dream up all manner of rapid-fire bullshit excuses at the drop of a hat. Or at least that’s what it looks like.

Yesterday we told you how Oscar-winning actress Tatum O’Neal had been arrested for buying crack during a sting operation in New York. That in itself isn’t exactly a grand surprise – not only did Tatum O’Neal once lose custody of her kids to John McEnroe because she was all spazzed out on heroin, but her family is such a gang of drug-mullered buttmunches that Sundays at theirs regularly involve gun fights, head injuries and boys tied to banisters like dogs.

So, now that she’s been arrested, the celebrity guidebook says that Tatum O’Neal should lie and cheat and plead not guilty and force a number of delays to proceedings in order to force a plea bargain out of the prosecutors and then snap it up as fast as she can.

But, since she’s technically not really a celebrity any more, Tatum O’Neal has tried a different tactic – she’s praising the police for catching her before she got to smoke any of that horrible crack and she didn’t even know it was crack anyway and boo hoo her dog’s dead and her mum’s dead too. Entertainment Weekly reports:

”I’m still sober! Just when I was about to change that and wreck my life, the cops came and saved me. I was saved by the bell, by the guys in the Seventh Precinct.” The actress says the death of her 16-year-old dog sent her into the downward spiral that ended with her hitting Manhattan’s Lower East Side on Sunday night in search of drugs. ”It triggered that my mother passed away [from addiction] in ’98″… O’Neal told the Post that she didn’t even realize she was buying crack. ”It’s both?” she asked the Post reporter. ”I didn’t even know what I was buying!”

It’s certainly fortunate that police managed to arrest Tatum O’Neal at the exact moment that she was about to try cocaine for the first time in who knows how many years. What are the odds of that happening?

Still, at least this miraculous arrest means that our fears of Tatum O’Neal being a drug addict are completely unfounded. Had the police not arrested her at the exact moment that they did, then Tatum O’Neal would have a fully-fledged addiction again, but because they did she’s as clean as a whistle and as straight as an arrow.

Yup, Tatum O’Neal is definitely clean, and her story completely holds up because it’s not like she’s about to go to rehab for treatment is it? Is it, anonymous law enforcement source quoted by the New York Daily News?

“She’s going to go to her own, high-priced, out-of-the-spotlight rehab to get clean – again.”

Oh.

Now that Halle Berry's finally got round to giving birth to that baby of hers, there's just one question that still needs to be answered.

Is it 'what's the gender of Halle Berry's baby?' because we know it's a girl. It's not 'what's the name of Halle Berry's baby?' either, because she hasn't got round to telling anyone yet.

No – the big question pertaining to Halle Berry's new baby is 'but what does Halle Berry's boyfriend's sister make of the birth?' And we've got the answer to that one after the jump. Alternatively you could just re-read the headline – there's a clue in the title.

Celebrity mothers have it harder than most new mothers, you know. Whereas the traditional routine for a new mother involves a few weeks of stumbling around the house in an insomniac fug dressed in a puke-covered dressing gown and resenting your partner's reproductive system, celebrities have to get back in shape immediately for the magazine cover shoots and the How To Get Your Pre-Baby Body Back fitness DVDs and the front cover of the inevitable I Tried To Smother My Baby In Its Sleep postnatal depression self-help book. 

So sometimes celebrities are too busy to deal with the minutiae of motherhood. Take Halle Berry, for example. Halle Berry gave birth to her baby daughter on Sunday, but as far as we know she hasn't got round to naming it yet. And if Halle Berry hasn't done that yet, then she's hardly likely to comment on her feelings about the baby, is she?

It's clearly Halle Berry's time to delegate, then. But who can Halle trust to give an accurate account of the delicate mix of overwhelming emotions that she's currently experiencing in the first few days of motherhood? Her boyfriend Gabriel Aubry? Hardly – look at him. You can't be that chiseled and smouldering without being as dumb as a bag of sand. Halle Berry's own parents? No. Aubry's parents? No? Friends?

No way – not when Gabriel Aubry's Quebec-based sister is on the scene to recount her own feelings. Well, not 'on the scene' exactly. Unless Quebec is the scene. Is Quebec the scene? Probably not. Anyway, fans of hearing what a woman who's never met the baby thinks of the baby she's never met should read the hell on:

"I was so happy when I found out," Eugenie Aubry, 36, tells PEOPLE about the new baby girl born on Sunday to Halle Berry and Eugenie's younger brother, Gabriel Aubry. "It's been a long time since we've had a new baby in the family," said Eugenie. "It's very exciting." While she has yet to meet her brand new niece, the Canadian resident was thrilled to hear that new mom Halle has been practising her language skills. "I'm a Quebecer, and it's great that she is learning how to speak French," Eugenie says. "I'm glad that the little one will speak French, too." 

What do you mean that the largely positive reaction to a baby's birth by a woman who's related to the baby but has never met it hardly counts as news? What are you, stupid? It was on People magazine's website, so it's obviously news. 

Plus, it has to be news because we've just commissioned a comprehensive 48-part series of reports on everyone who Halle Berry is slightly related to and what they think of the baby, and we don't want to look like fools. So stick around tomorrow for the scorching baby opinions of Halle Berry's second cousin's uncle's wife's niece twice removed. SPOILER ALERT – she thinks the baby's a shithead.

Read more:

Halle Berry Boyfriend's Family 'So Happy' About Baby News - People