OK, we take it all back, we never want to be Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend – it turns out that you have to actually rob God to keep up with her.

Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway.

According to Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn’t a single reason why we shouldn’t believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we’re going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!

Men turn to crime for many different reasons. Some are desperate and some are simply opportunists, but not Raffaello Follieri. Raffaello Follieri turned to crime for the purest reason there is – he wanted to dick an actress.

Chances are you know Raffaello Follieri’s story by now – how he played up false ties to the Catholic Church to con strangers out of millions of dollars in dodgy property deals and got arrested and now faces a four-year jail sentence – but we’ve only just learnt why it all happened.

It’s because all Raffaello Follieri wanted to do was keep his girlfriend Anne Hathaway happy and stocked up with flowers and jewellery and boxes of puppies and expensive breakfast cereal and whatever product it is that keeps her hair so lustrous and sexy. And the only way he could do that was to bring misery to a series of innocent property investors. If anything it should be Anne Hathaway who’s in prison, the bitch.

We’re paraphrasing, but that’s more or less the jist of the papers recently submitted to court by Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer requesting a sentence of three, rather than four, years in jail. The exact wording is:

When he was only 24 years old, this young man from a small city in the South of Italy found himself a successful international entrepreneur befriended by the rich and famous…He was surrounded by movie stars and celebrities and this young man who neither drinks nor smokes became intoxicated with it all. Unfortunately he lacked the resources to maintain the opulent life style of his new friends. Even more unfortunately, he had almost unfettered access to hundreds of thousands of dollars…

OK, OK Raffaello, you’ve won us over. That sounds like a marvellous property deal. Now where do we sign the… hey! Wait a minute! That wasn’t even a paragraph about your property scam and you still almost managed to con us out of our savings. You’re good, Follieri, we’ll give you that.

There’s another week to go until we can find out if Rafaello Follieri’s plea worked, because that’s when his sentencing is due. In the meantime, all he can do is sit and reflect on all the trouble that having a movie star girlfriend like Anne Hathaway can cause.

In fact we should all reflect on that. Let’s make a pact – none of us will go out with Anne Hathaway in case we’re dragged into a life of crime to fund it. Instead, we should probably all turn our sights onto Jennifer Aniston, because we hear that she lets you be her boyfriend for a ham sandwich and a go on your rollerskates.

Not so long ago, Busta Rhymes was alleged to have duffed up so many poor suckers that we thought he'd easily wind up in jail.

However, Busta Rhymes isn't going to jail at all. Earlier today, Busta Rhymes copped to a plea deal that means he'll have to do 10 days of community service for attacking an employee and a fan instead of the full one year jail stretch.

But ha! The joke's on you, Busta Rhymes – sure, you might have thought that 10 days of community service is the easy option, but as a celebrity if you'd have settled for jail you'd have only actually been locked up for 23 minutes and a lovely cup of tea. Nice one, durr-brain.

Busta Rhymes is like a walking moral that today's youth can learn from. And that moral is 'don't keep quiet when your bodyguard is murdered' because if you do, police will arrest you time and time again for every little mistake you make and you might wind up in jail.

Obviously there's Busta Rhyme's secondary moral, which is 'don't go round beating people up because you haven't paid their wages or they spat on your car' because that makes you look a bit of a dick. And you might wind up in jail. Listen to Busta Rhymes, kids.

Sadly, Busta Rhymes doesn't listen to the pieces of his own advice that we just put in his mouth. After being arrested for beating up one of his drivers who he hadn't paid and another man who spat on his car – plus just about being illegal in every single other way there is – Busta Rhymes has been staring jail in the face over the last few months.

What made Busta Rhymes' jail sentence more inevitable was the way that he refused all plea bargains for fear that his masculinity would diminish so much he may as well just go out wearing a T-shirt reading 'I'm Busta Rhymes And My Penis Is The Size Of A Baby's Amputated Fingertip.'

So it goes without saying that earlier today Busta Rhymes caved in and accepted a plea deal to keep him out of jail like a big blouse-wearing baby Jemima who cries and wets the bed and rides ponies around her fairytale courtyard. The New York Post reports:

Rapper Busta Rhymes cut a deal with prosecutors today that keeps him out of jail for two misdemeanor assault charges. Prosecutors wanted Rhymes, whose real name is Trevor Smith, to spend one year behind bars. Instead, he'll do 10 days of community service. Rhymes also faced driving with a suspended license and driving while intoxicated charges. He will lose his license for six months and must enroll in a DWI program.

Busta Rhymes can certainly count himself lucky that he was still even allowed to accept a plea deal given his previous numptiness. But let's not reflect on the past – let's reflect on what Busta Rhymes' community service will be.

In the past Busta has stated that he wants to share his knowledge with the kids of today, but the judge is hardly going to go along with that, unless he wants all the kids of today to be expertly schooled in the various ways you can boneheadedly beat someone up while yapping "Flipmode!" over and over like an especially violent parrot.

No, chances are Busta Rhymes will be given some sort of menial cleaning-based community service. In which case, let's hope that Busta Rhymes doesn't use his own spit to lubricate the cleaning process at any point, because Busta Rhymes hates that and will probably beat himself up for doing it, and then they'll both probably end up in jail.

Read more:

BUSTA RHYMES CUTS DEAL TO AVOID JAIL - New York Post 

You might classify drawing a picture of yourself walking along a razorblade while Uma Thurman digs your grave, or threatening to kill yourself if you ever see see Uma Thurman with another man as 'quite mental'.

But Jack Jordan certainly wouldn't, no sirree. And that's a shame, because he's the man who was arrested and stands accused of recently doing both of those things to Uma Thurman. But there's a lifeline – prosecutors have offered Jack Jordan a plea deal that would mean he'd get a reduced sentence if he admits guilt to the charges of stalking and attempted coercion. The only problem there is that Jack Jordan would be spending the reduced sentence locked up in a mental institution. And since he claims he isn't mental, Jack Jordan has decided to reject it. But, come on, liking Uma Thurman? And he claims he isn't crazy?

We've always judged the scale of crazy obsession to be a little bit fuzzy, and much of it depends on the object of the obsession. For instance, if the object was the French bra-girl from the Marks & Spencers advert, then ordering everyone in the room to be silent so you can lick the TV screen like a dog in peace each time her commercial comes on can't possibly be classified as obsessive. Everyone does it. There's nothing wrong with doing that.

But Uma Thurman, on the other hand, is different. For example, anyone who paid money to go and see Uma Thurman in My Super Ex-Girlfriend at the cinema or on DVD clearly suffers from a dangerous clinical obsession and should be locked up forever immediately. Or drowned. Or both.

With this in mind, you'd need to be completely doolally to even attempt to do any of the following to Uma Thurman: 1) Sleep in your car dangerously close to Uma Thurman's house, 2) break into Uma Thurman's trailer and leave cartoons of yourself walking along a razorblade while she digs your grave, 3) Threaten to kill yourself if you ever see Uma Thurman with another man, 4) Entertain the thought of watching the Uma Thurman movie Be Cool, even for the briefest of moments.

Sadly, 35-year-old Jack Jordan is accused of three – tragically maybe even four – of these things. In October Jordan was arrested and charged with stalking, aggravated harassment and attempted coercion, and last month his court appearances even inspired a haiku or two.

Things don't look great for Jack Jordan – if he's convicted of the charges he'll be sentenced to four years in jail – but prosecutors still want to cut him some slack. They want to reduce Jordan's charges, but to do that he first has to agree to plead guilty to slaking Uma Thurman and then spend a year in a mental facility.

However, Jack Jordan has dismissed the plea deal on the basis that he doesn't want a criminal record, and will now run the risk of being hit with the full force of the charges.

We can understand where this rejection came from, though – imagine spending a year in a mental facility. It'd be horrible – and almost impossible to draw any more razorblade/ grave pictures of you and Uma Thurman. And, really, isn't that what this case is all about?

Read more:

Uma Fan Says No To Nuthouse - E! Online