Articles tagged with: Playboy
In Other News: A Girl With Big Boobs Gets Married
Thank you Kendra Wilkinson. You've brightened up our day immensely by a) not dying and b) getting married. We're in your debt. Kendra Wilkinson got married to Hank Baskett on Saturday, proving that while Michael Jackson's death was sad, it couldn't never stop something as profound as love. And, no, we don't really know who Kendra Wilkinson or Hank Baskett are either. But that's not important. Look, it was either this or another story about Michael Jackson. Do you want us to keep banging on about Michael Jackson? Do you? Because we can. You don't? Good. Now shut up.
Thank you Kendra Wilkinson. You've brightened up our day immensely by a) not dying and b) getting married. We're in your debt. Kendra Wilkinson got married to Hank Baskett on Saturday, proving that while Michael Jackson's death was sad, it couldn't never stop something as profound as love. And, no, we don't really know who Kendra Wilkinson or Hank Baskett are either. But that's not important. Look, it was either this or another story about Michael Jackson. Do you want us to keep banging on about Michael Jackson? Do you? Because we can. You don't? Good. Now shut up.
Heidi Montag Threatens World With Nudey Playboy Shoot
Want to become famous? OK, here's how you do it. 1) Be completely awful. 2) Spend a few hours in a dark room until you vomit. Honestly, it works. Thanks to her being awful on The Hills and then vomiting a bit on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Heidi Montag has never been so famous. And now she's finally achieved fame, it's time for her to use that fame for something important and philanthropic and world-changing. Heidi Montag is going to pose naked for Playboy. What? It could be worse. She could be doing something that involves her voice.
Want to become famous? OK, here's how you do it. 1) Be completely awful. 2) Spend a few hours in a dark room until you vomit. Honestly, it works. Thanks to her being awful on The Hills and then vomiting a bit on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Heidi Montag has never been so famous. And now she's finally achieved fame, it's time for her to use that fame for something important and philanthropic and world-changing. Heidi Montag is going to pose naked for Playboy. What? It could be worse. She could be doing something that involves her voice.
Kendra Wilkinson Is The Virgin Mary Or, Dunno, Something
OK, sorry. That was a misleading headline. Kendra Wilkinson probably isn't the Virgin Mary, on account of the fact that she looks like a bit of a slapper. However, we can state with some degree of authority that Kendra Wilkinson is definitely going to give birth to the second coming of Jesus, on account of the fact that she's pregnant and her new baby is going to be born on Christmas day. And also because Kendra Wilkinson's ex-boyfriend is Hugh Hefner who, while not God, is technically just about as old as God. It all adds up, really, doesn't it?
OK, sorry. That was a misleading headline. Kendra Wilkinson probably isn't the Virgin Mary, on account of the fact that she looks like a bit of a slapper. However, we can state with some degree of authority that Kendra Wilkinson is definitely going to give birth to the second coming of Jesus, on account of the fact that she's pregnant and her new baby is going to be born on Christmas day. And also because Kendra Wilkinson's ex-boyfriend is Hugh Hefner who, while not God, is technically just about as old as God. It all adds up, really, doesn't it?
Playboy: Jennifer Aniston Not Naked Any Time Soon, Thankfully
Hold onto your hats, this is a first - Jennifer Aniston has shown a shred of dignity regarding her personal life! We know, we're shocked too. Maybe she's taken a knock to the head or something. But, nevertheless, Jennifer Aniston has apparently turned down a $10million offer from Hugh Hefner to appear naked in Playboy. Well, obviously that's unless Angelina Jolie decides to pose naked for Playboy any time soon, because if she does then Jennifer Aniston is quite willing to ram an endoscope up her clodge and project the resulting images onto the surface of the moon. For free. Obviously.
Hold onto your hats, this is a first - Jennifer Aniston has shown a shred of dignity regarding her personal life! We know, we're shocked too. Maybe she's taken a knock to the head or something. But, nevertheless, Jennifer Aniston has apparently turned down a $10million offer from Hugh Hefner to appear naked in Playboy. Well, obviously that's unless Angelina Jolie decides to pose naked for Playboy any time soon, because if she does then Jennifer Aniston is quite willing to ram an endoscope up her clodge and project the resulting images onto the surface of the moon. For free. Obviously.
Criss Angel Pulls A Playboy Bunny Out Of His Pants
Now we know why Holly Madison dumped Hugh Hefner - he didn't dress enough like a Poundstretcher My Chemical Romance. But you know who does? Criss Angel, the magician who'd be just like David Blaine if only David Blaine a) did magic tricks any more and b) constantly walked around in clothes that made him look like an emo weekend dad having a chronic mid-life crisis regardless of how much of a ridiculous tithole everyone thinks he is. But Criss Angel must be doing something right, because he's Holly Madison's new boyfriend. Word has it that Criss Angel ensnared Madison by performing a number of magic tricks that Hugh Hefner could never do, like running up the stairs, doing the Can-Can and getting an erection unaided. But can Criss Angel doze off in an armchair in the afternoon while doing some gentle Sudoku? No he can't - Hefner will always have that.
Now we know why Holly Madison dumped Hugh Hefner - he didn't dress enough like a Poundstretcher My Chemical Romance. But you know who does? Criss Angel, the magician who'd be just like David Blaine if only David Blaine a) did magic tricks any more and b) constantly walked around in clothes that made him look like an emo weekend dad having a chronic mid-life crisis regardless of how much of a ridiculous tithole everyone thinks he is. But Criss Angel must be doing something right, because he's Holly Madison's new boyfriend. Word has it that Criss Angel ensnared Madison by performing a number of magic tricks that Hugh Hefner could never do, like running up the stairs, doing the Can-Can and getting an erection unaided. But can Criss Angel doze off in an armchair in the afternoon while doing some gentle Sudoku? No he can't - Hefner will always have that.
Hugh Hefner Splits Up With Generic Blonde Booby-Model
Good news, girls - Hugh Hefner, the richest, sexiest, most prolifically sleazy frail old doddery 82-year-old man on Earth, is single again. Apparently Hugh Hefner has been dumped his number one girlfriend Holly Madison - a woman 54 years younger than him who looks like she was reared in a battery-farm for titty bimbos - and all because Hugh refused to marry her. Touchingly, Hugh Hefner seems quite sad about the split. There's no need for him to be - after all, he shouldn't forget the old saying 'there are plenty more opportunistic young women who've mutilated their bodies for the sake of beauty that are willing to fellate a very old man even though it clearly disgusts them on the off-chance that he'll write them into his will and make them rich when he dies'. Um, 'in the sea'.
Good news, girls - Hugh Hefner, the richest, sexiest, most prolifically sleazy frail old doddery 82-year-old man on Earth, is single again. Apparently Hugh Hefner has been dumped his number one girlfriend Holly Madison - a woman 54 years younger than him who looks like she was reared in a battery-farm for titty bimbos - and all because Hugh refused to marry her. Touchingly, Hugh Hefner seems quite sad about the split. There's no need for him to be - after all, he shouldn't forget the old saying 'there are plenty more opportunistic young women who've mutilated their bodies for the sake of beauty that are willing to fellate a very old man even though it clearly disgusts them on the off-chance that he'll write them into his will and make them rich when he dies'. Um, 'in the sea'.
Lindsay Lohan Says No To Nudity! For Once!
Fact: the whole world has seen Lindsay Lohan's clodge, flaff, wazoo, spaceballs, flimbox, fudge-glands and arse at one point or another. It's just what Lindsay Lohan does. It's part of the Lindsay Lohan holy trinity - rubbish films, substance abuse and epic, near-relentless nudity. We've got so used to seeing Lindsay Lohan naked over the last few years that we've become desensitised to it, just like we have with violence and women that we've somehow made cry. And that's why it's so surprising to hear that Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer of $700,000 to get naked for Playboy. Silly Playboy - if you want to see Lindsay Lohan in the nude, you don't just ask her to get naked for you - you ask her to get naked for you because you'll let her wear a Marilyn Monroe wig if she does. That's just how it works.
Fact: the whole world has seen Lindsay Lohan's clodge, flaff, wazoo, spaceballs, flimbox, fudge-glands and arse at one point or another. It's just what Lindsay Lohan does. It's part of the Lindsay Lohan holy trinity - rubbish films, substance abuse and epic, near-relentless nudity. We've got so used to seeing Lindsay Lohan naked over the last few years that we've become desensitised to it, just like we have with violence and women that we've somehow made cry. And that's why it's so surprising to hear that Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer of $700,000 to get naked for Playboy. Silly Playboy - if you want to see Lindsay Lohan in the nude, you don't just ask her to get naked for you - you ask her to get naked for you because you'll let her wear a Marilyn Monroe wig if she does. That's just how it works.
Brooke Hogan To Get Her Big Naked Chin Out For Playboy
It says a lot about the disarray that the Hogan family is in when Brooke Hogan stands out as the most together member. True, Brooke Hogan might be so freakishly hell-bent on getting famous that she'll try anything from hopeless singing careers to toe-curling opportunistic reality TV shows to get it, but for the simple fact that she isn't Hulk Hogan or Nick Hogan, we're prepared to give Brooke Hogan the benefit of the doubt. Because Brooke Hogan's hardly planning to exploit her own family's real-life woes by getting naked for Playboy in the blind hope that it'll give her the attention she thinks she deserves, is it? What? That's exactly what she is doing? Fine - disregard everything you've just read. We'll start again after the jump.
It says a lot about the disarray that the Hogan family is in when Brooke Hogan stands out as the most together member. True, Brooke Hogan might be so freakishly hell-bent on getting famous that she'll try anything from hopeless singing careers to toe-curling opportunistic reality TV shows to get it, but for the simple fact that she isn't Hulk Hogan or Nick Hogan, we're prepared to give Brooke Hogan the benefit of the doubt. Because Brooke Hogan's hardly planning to exploit her own family's real-life woes by getting naked for Playboy in the blind hope that it'll give her the attention she thinks she deserves, is it? What? That's exactly what she is doing? Fine - disregard everything you've just read. We'll start again after the jump.
