OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.

You won’t.

Why should you? You’re your own person and you don’t need a list of goals to tell you that you should probably crack open a bag of cress every now and then before you start to resemble Michelle MacManus & Rik Waller’s illicit love-child. You don’t even need a list of goals to tell you that it might be time to get yourself on a dating website and meet someone new before you fall into the arms of an ex-lover because you’re horribly lonely.

None of that matters though because there’s always something better than a list and in this case adverts are willing to take on the role of your conscience and the New Year ad schedule is packed with sanctimonious bullshit designed to get you out there into the world looking svelte and feeling amazing thanks to some pro-biotic yogurt.

That’s the thing about adverts, isn’t it? They play up to an accepted norm about the society that you live in. Take the hideous Morrisons advert in which two middle-aged children discuss the recession and the need for people to ‘tighten their belts’ in January. You think this is fine because they’re Northern but they’re actually creating a sickening dystopian vision of a world where children are no longer free to be children and have to think about food vouchers and Freddie Flintoff’s bath of gold doubloons. Of course, Morrisons are trying to add an innocent expression onto something that responsible adults seem to talk about all the time whereas some ad campaigns are just cynical.

Take a moment, shut your eyes and imagine a meeting room where six people are sitting. None of them are wearing suits or any kind of formal business attire and one is wearing a pair of tattered brogues with no socks. One man fiddles nervously with his spectacles as he examines the stoney faces around the room. They’ve been given the ultimate contract; a weight loss brand that needs a change of direction.

One woman in the group suddenly rolls back in her ergonomic back-supporting office chair and makes a loud exclamation of joy. “I’ve got it,” she shouts, “why don’t we show overweight people that if they follow the Weight Watchers plan, it’ll make them thin?!”

There is a stunned silence in the meeting room and the glass walls begin to de-mist as their collective breath is held. Everyone looks to the man wearing a rugby shirt at the head of the table. He nods sagely and the room erupts in applause. The creatives have done it again! Fat people can be thin and they will show them the light!

“Wait though!” Cries the man with no socks. “How can we convince our target audience of saturated fatties that they want to be thin and beautiful?” The room falls silent again: all that can be heard is the nervous tapping of pens on the table.

“What about writing a song and getting a pop star to sing it?” The quietest woman suggests. “We could make the lyrics really motivational so that they really speak to our target market?”

There is some muted discussion in the room. It’s too quiet for us to hear but we all know that they’re discussing who to have sing it. Rik Waller and Michelle MacManus are busy making babies and Craig Colton from last year’s X Factor is far too shit. They need someone that people can aspire to be like. Someone sassy and respectable that will quite literally sell their soul for money.

If only there was someone that fitted the bill. They have a long conversation and seem to come up with nothing. They’re standing up to leave, presumably off to think about it over some champagne and oysters when a Britain’s Got Talent judge walks into their office, looking for scraps.

“Hark!” They cry in unison as this fictional account becomes alarmingly Dickensian. They’ve found their woman. A sassy, respectable woman with a big, idiotic face who would quite literally sell her soul for money. They don’t even need to negotiate with her. Alesha’s shaking hands with them all before they even name a figure. Her only stipulation is that she doesn’t have to touch any of the fatties and that she doesn’t have to rap. She’s moving in a new direction.

Now you know how the Play Weight Watchers campaign came into being, aren’t you a little more open to its message and its 3 minutes and 14 seconds of bad miming, worse dancing and sanctimonious ‘body positive’ thrust? Doesn’t the sight of these people who, you’ve got to hand it to them, look great inspire you to go out there and go to meetings, living by a strict ‘point controlled’ system which requires you to lose weight by emptying your wallet?

Or does it still make you want to tear your own eyes out and stuff them into your ears so that you don’t have to see or hear this abomination ever again? What’s it going to be, fatso?

Professional headcase Tom Cruise has admitted to being terrified of the melodic word with his fear coming to a very public fore while filming his new waste of time “Rock Of Ages”.

Tom Cruise is well renowned throughout the world, both as an actor, a producer and as someone who doesn’t know when a franchise is dead (See: Mission: Impossible) but his ability to sing has never been called into question. Even in 1983 “classic” Risky Business, Tom used Bob Seger as a voice double during his trouserless performance of Old Time Rock n’ Roll.

Let’s be fair to Tom though, singing is a terrifying experience. One need only spend five minutes in the company of a Glee Survivor to know that not only are their vocal chords destroyed, their careers are all-but ruined by incessant autotune abuse. DARE to say no to singing.

Still, Cruise will be playing a character called Stacee Jaxx (RAWK!) in the Hollywood version of the Broadway play, meaning he’ll be strapping on some leather trousers and cracking out his best Lulu impression to hit some of rock’s classic tracks.

Apparently, singing is more terrifying than any stunt he’s ever performed. Even that one where he climbs a mountain without any safety harnesses wearing a horrible pair of sunglasses. Or the one where he punches a helicopter out of the air (stay tuned for Ghost Protocol). He told the LA Times:

“They all have their risks.”

Most things do. The actor shied away from thanking Aliens or Master Hubbard for his “god”-given musical talent, instead deciding to thank his earthly oracle and How I Met Your Mother guest star- Katie Holmes-Cruise:

“I had started dancing because I was inspired by my wife. She kept saying, ‘You’ve got to do a musical sometime’.

“Kate’s a dancer, so she would say, ‘Let’s go to dance class’, and she would take us and that’s how I kind of came up with the idea of Les Grossman doing hip-hop. And then to take it to this level with this? It was really fun.”

It better be, Tom. It better be.

And just when we thought Alex Reid’s career couldn’t sink any lower… he announces that he’s due to tour the country and strip off in front of hundreds of people night after night.

Fresh from getting engaged to, and talking about wanting babies with, fellow former Celebrity Big Brother alumna Chantelle Houghton, Alex has announced that he’s due to star in the play, yes someone’s actually cast him in a play, Wildboyz.

And people say that theatre is too high-brow.

Other stars of the show, about a group of lads who decide to become strippers, you know, like in that film with Robert Carlisle, will include Danny Young, who played Warren in Corrie, Marcus Patrick a.k.a. Ben Davies from Hollyoaks and Dale Howard, from… erm… Big Brother.

This has Olivier Award written all over it.

Wildboyz is due to grace the towns of Stevenage, Bradford, Leicester, Skegness, Colchester, Plymouth, Newcastle and Margate. And while there are no immediate plans for a West End run we here at hecklerspray are certain that Messrs Reid, Patrick, Young and Howard will be treading the boards at the Victoria, Apollo or Gielgud in no time.

Whether the theatre will be open that day or not will be another matter.

The show has been described, by the people who have been paid to lie about how good it is, as:

A hysterical tease from the beginning to its spectacular climax, lifting the lid on the world of celebrity, with audience participation, guaranteeing not a dry seat in the house.

Not a dry seat? Are the audience all going to void the bowels with shame after being subjected to Alex Reid’s acting talent?

That’s REALLY selling it to us.

One thing remains certain at least, even with pictures like the one below floating around, there’s not much of a chance of Alex or the rest of the Wildboyz being signed by Katie Price.

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Christmas games are usually a crock of old poo, rehashing already boring games into something with snowflakes and stupid reindeer.

However, Mountain Maniac Xmas is one of the few re-edits that makes a whole bunch of sense! See, Santa must get pissed-off with Christmas like the rest of us, so take ol’ Mr Claus and help him to absolutely trash everything in sight with his hammer.

Kill owls, penguins, reindeer, people driving cars and explode gingerbread houses and trains carrying toys. Lovely!

Click here to play Mountain Maniac Xmas

Too many online games treat you like a) You’ve got endless hours to play them and b) that your computer is so up-to-speed that it can handle super-duper graphics. The reality is, people tend to mess around online for a quick fix and have computers that overheat during the most simple of technological tasks.

So then, you’ll be thrilled to learn that there’s a whole bunch of insultingly simple games out there to idle away some minutes if you’re bored.

One such game is Pacmafight! No, it doesn’t make much sense to us either. However, it’s a basic platform game with ace ’90s sounding music and FX. Basically, you’re a little ninja fella who has to navigate levels for no reason. Sod the back story.

Play Pacmafight here

Robot Unicorn Attack is one of the big successes of the past 12 months, inadvertently reviving an old Erasure track and stamping a seal of approval on (seemingly) everyone’s fondness for unicorns.

Now, we’ve got Robot Unicorn Heavy Metal to play online as well, serving as a sneaky reminder of the fact that there’s going to be a new version out just in time for Christmas, soundtracked by that stupid Yule song by The Darkness.

Anyway, if you love Robot Unicorn Attack but are sick of playing the old one, click the link below to see your unicorn tackling a very different world to the last, only this time, soundtracked by some hairspray metal band. We can’t be bothered checking.

Click here to play Robot Unicorn Attack Heavy Metal

A lot of online games get super hung-up on trying to look really great, often at the expense of that most important of things – being fun to play. How many times have you seen a cool looking motorbike game, only to find out it’s as clunky as a first date?

Well, there’s none of that with Supermax. Supermax is so basic that it almost has a charming ZX Spectrum quality about it.

You take the role of some bald guy trying to escape from prison and basically, the only thing to do is avoid the gaze and guns of the patrol. Insultingly easy to figure out… not so easy to whip through the levels. Lovely stuff.

Click here to play Supermax

Is pole dancing really demeaning and sexist? Is it a feminist thing that strikes a blow for independent women who want to fleece stupid men for their money? Do you even care? Are you even reading these words or are you now completely distracted by the thought of jiggling bosoms in your mind?

That’s a lot of questions to throw at you, so, on a pole dancing theme, why don’t you sidestep balding travelling salesmen getting delayed, sexual gratification by storing dancing women in their wank-bank for later and have all the fun of erotic dancing with Pole Dance Party 2?

Basically, it’s like those old dancing games. Only with tits.

Play Pole Dance Party 2

XBox Kinect

If you are on a laptop, look away now. Why? Because Steam Droid is one of those games that will really irritate you by making direct your character with your right hand and aim your gun with the touchpad with your left. If you’re anything like hecklerspray, this makes it nigh on impossible to do the simplest of gaming tasks.

However, if you are brainy enough to do two simple things at the same time, and preferably on a desktop computer, then Steam Droid is a really fun little skive.

You control a cute little robot and basically, you jump around shooting everything in sight and saving your little buddies who have been enslaved for one reason or another. We don’t care. We never read the stories and intros to games because they’re always boring.

Click here to play Steam Droid

It’s Friday, so really, you should be aiming to do as little work as possible. You’ve probably already got your eye on a pint of nut-brown ale or generally having your feet up for a couple of days (unless you have children, which means you’ll never get any rest ever again).

You shouldn’t wait ’til 5pm to slack-off work. Start your skiving right now with a game called Visible III.

It’s incredibly easy to play and fiendishly addictive. You’re some chap who needs to do something really important and spikes and things that blow up get in your way. You have to use the reflection on the ground to see hidden platforms and traps. It’s mondo fun!

Click here to play Visible III

Most online games are incredibly easy to work out as they’re based on things you’ve already played. There’s beat ‘em ups, shoot ‘em ups, sports games, puzzle games… and the list goes on and on.

However, sometimes, you’ll find an online game that’s absolutely mystifying. A type of game that just doesn’t exist anywhere else because it’s so peculiar. And here we have Falling Sand Game. An incredibly boring name, sure. Rubbish graphics too? Yep.

It’s hard to pinpoint why, but this thing is astonishingly addictive. You click on things and set fire to environments you have just created while a big spiky ball charges around. You’ll hopelessly poke at it for 2 minutes before realising that you’re already hooked. Weird.

Click here to play it

It must be quite tricky coming up with ideas for new games. There’s so many of them knocking around that there can’t be much in the way of new ideas. So when originality isn’t an option, go for something weird.

And Gibbets 2, while being the archetypal Aim And Shoot game of angles, there’s something rather unnerving about it. Basically, it seems like a load of people have been lynched in the deep south of America. We say that because these poor buggers have been left hanging to a vaguely country soundtrack.

All you have to do is get your eye in and shoot the nooses with your arrows. Or, if you’re feeling sadistic, see how many arrows you can get into each little character before they die. It’s a simple and addictive game.

Click here to play Gibbets 2

When Raoul Moat went AWOL with a big gun and no-brain, Britain became transfixed. The news was too weird and too horrible to properly contemplate. Here, we had a man who had been so let down by the world that he decided to live like a feral creature in a drain, stroking weaponry and wanting to kill policemen.

Yet, somehow, mindless dolts held him up as some kind of anti-hero, provoking outrage at pointless (although admittedly tasteless) Facebook pages.

And what’s this? A play about Roaul Moat? Really?

Of course, you can see why there’s interest in such a thing. It’s obvious that we’re all a bit obsessed with death and the people who cause it. The TV is filled with murder mysteries and Shakespeare loved to kill-off half of his cast for shits and giggles.

However, this play is paid for by taxpayers which means we’ll all be treated to a nice bit of outrage.

Weirder still, is that the bloke who will play Moat has previously undertaken roles where he’s had to eat a corgi and a swan, catapulted grannies, set fire to himself outside Parliament and pranced like a ballerina pig outside Scotland Yard in pink tights.

Yep, this bloke likes to tackle the weird and he goes by the name of Mark McGowan. Moat isn’t the first controversial storyline he’s tackled.

In the past, he’s done the death of Jade Goody, Jean Charles de Menezes’ murder, the kidnapping of Shannon Matthews and the conception of Prince William.

We all want to know if Gazza is going to make a drunken cameo appearance to make us all initially laugh, then cry ourselves withered, unable to cope with the toppling depression that surrounds such a grim tale.

While this art-school titster runs around with a cardboard box on his head, with a crude print-out of Moat’s face stapled to the front, the victims aren’t too happy.

Concerned newspapers the country over have shown their compassion by ringing up everyone who has been affected by Moat’s grisly actions and dragged up painful memories for a quote about this play.

PC David Rathband, who was blinded by Moat, said:

“What a waste of taxpayers’ money.”

Kelly Stobbart, whose sister Sam was injured, spat:

“We’ve been to hell and back. It should not be used as entertainment.”

Next Week: Someone sets up a mock-Twitter account for every single news story that is broken on the off chance that they go ‘viral’ and wind everyone up with it.

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There’s a lot of retro-games out there which look to recreate the experience of old arcade machines and 8bit consoles.

However, what most of these modern takes fail to remember is that many of the old games were utterly baffling and filled with badly translated English. Sometimes, you could persist in playing an old game for days at a time before you ever actually started to realise what was going on.

And so, aiming for that confusing mixture of broken English and gameplay that throws you in without explaining what the shit is going on, you should turn your attention to Turbo Turbo Turbo which sees you driving a car, getting drunk in a wobbly bar and being perved over by a man who breaks one of your thumbs.

Click here to play Turbo Turbo Turbo

Puzzle and logistics games are usually very dry affairs. Think of Columns and Tetris. They were functional and hugely addictive. Puzzle Bobble/Bust-a-Move meanwhile, livened things up with little dragons that puked up into your slingshot.

Continuing in this fashion – sorta – is Wine Pong, which takes a very simple game and tarts it up with some sleazy music and a bunch of people who look like they might hang around with Paris Hilton (thereby, giving you your motivation to beat them).

Essentially, you’re at a table with a ping pong ball and you’ve got to throw it into some wine glasses up the other end. This is the kind of game that, if it hasn’t already, could easily transfer into real life, seeing you lobbing tennis balls at your mate’s pints over the weekend. Expect to be barred from your local.

Play Wine Pong, here.