OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.
You won’t.
Why should you? You’re your own person and you don’t need a list of goals to tell you that you should probably crack open a bag of cress every now and then before you start to resemble Michelle MacManus & Rik Waller’s illicit love-child. You don’t even need a list of goals to tell you that it might be time to get yourself on a dating website and meet someone new before you fall into the arms of an ex-lover because you’re horribly lonely.
Professional headcase Tom Cruise has admitted to being terrified of the melodic word with his fear coming to a very public fore while filming his new waste of time “Rock Of Ages”.
Tom Cruise is well renowned throughout the world, both as an actor, a producer and as someone who doesn’t know when a franchise is dead (See: Mission: Impossible) but his ability to sing has never been called into question. Even in 1983 “classic” Risky Business, Tom used Bob Seger as a voice double during his trouserless performance of Old Time Rock n’ Roll.
Let’s be fair to Tom though, singing is a terrifying experience. One need only spend five minutes in the company of a Glee Survivor to know that not only are their vocal chords destroyed, their careers are all-but ruined by incessant autotune abuse. DARE to say no to singing.
And just when we thought Alex Reid’s career couldn’t sink any lower… he announces that he’s due to tour the country and strip off in front of hundreds of people night after night.
Fresh from getting engaged to, and talking about wanting babies with, fellow former Celebrity Big Brother alumna Chantelle Houghton, Alex has announced that he’s due to star in the play, yes someone’s actually cast him in a play, Wildboyz.
And people say that theatre is too high-brow. Read More >>>
Christmas games are usually a crock of old poo, rehashing already boring games into something with snowflakes and stupid reindeer.
However, Mountain Maniac Xmas is one of the few re-edits that makes a whole bunch of sense! See, Santa must get pissed-off with Christmas like the rest of us, so take ol’ Mr Claus and help him to absolutely trash everything in sight with his hammer.
Kill owls, penguins, reindeer, people driving cars and explode gingerbread houses and trains carrying toys. Lovely!
Too many online games treat you like a) You’ve got endless hours to play them and b) that your computer is so up-to-speed that it can handle super-duper graphics. The reality is, people tend to mess around online for a quick fix and have computers that overheat during the most simple of technological tasks.
So then, you’ll be thrilled to learn that there’s a whole bunch of insultingly simple games out there to idle away some minutes if you’re bored.
One such game is Pacmafight! No, it doesn’t make much sense to us either. However, it’s a basic platform game with ace ’90s sounding music and FX. Basically, you’re a little ninja fella who has to navigate levels for no reason. Sod the back story.
Robot Unicorn Attack is one of the big successes of the past 12 months, inadvertently reviving an old Erasure track and stamping a seal of approval on (seemingly) everyone’s fondness for unicorns.
Now, we’ve got Robot Unicorn Heavy Metal to play online as well, serving as a sneaky reminder of the fact that there’s going to be a new version out just in time for Christmas, soundtracked by that stupid Yule song by The Darkness.
Anyway, if you love Robot Unicorn Attack but are sick of playing the old one, click the link below to see your unicorn tackling a very different world to the last, only this time, soundtracked by some hairspray metal band. We can’t be bothered checking.
A lot of online games get super hung-up on trying to look really great, often at the expense of that most important of things – being fun to play. How many times have you seen a cool looking motorbike game, only to find out it’s as clunky as a first date?
Well, there’s none of that with Supermax. Supermax is so basic that it almost has a charming ZX Spectrum quality about it.
You take the role of some bald guy trying to escape from prison and basically, the only thing to do is avoid the gaze and guns of the patrol. Insultingly easy to figure out… not so easy to whip through the levels. Lovely stuff.
Is pole dancing really demeaning and sexist? Is it a feminist thing that strikes a blow for independent women who want to fleece stupid men for their money? Do you even care? Are you even reading these words or are you now completely distracted by the thought of jiggling bosoms in your mind?
That’s a lot of questions to throw at you, so, on a pole dancing theme, why don’t you sidestep balding travelling salesmen getting delayed, sexual gratification by storing dancing women in their wank-bank for later and have all the fun of erotic dancing with Pole Dance Party 2?
Basically, it’s like those old dancing games. Only with tits.
If you are on a laptop, look away now. Why? Because Steam Droid is one of those games that will really irritate you by making direct your character with your right hand and aim your gun with the touchpad with your left. If you’re anything like hecklerspray, this makes it nigh on impossible to do [...]
It’s Friday, so really, you should be aiming to do as little work as possible. You’ve probably already got your eye on a pint of nut-brown ale or generally having your feet up for a couple of days (unless you have children, which means you’ll never get any rest ever again). You shouldn’t wait ’til [...]
OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.
And just when we thought Alex Reid’s career couldn’t sink any lower… he announces that he’s due to tour the country and strip off in front of hundreds of people night after night.
