Remember Chantelle Houghton?

Sure you do - she was the winner of Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago, back when people actually watched it and the show wasn't relegated to E4 with an audience consisting entirely of Dermot O' Leary's mother (who only tuned in out of a sense of grim, WW2-like duty).

Well, brace yourselves. Bet you all thought that Chantelle's naturally graceful poise and beauty was just the result of superior breeding, didn't you? Bet you wept tears of jealousy knowing that a mere mortal like yourself could never attain such heights of genetic perfection? Fear not, children. It turns out that your bitter, fuming, stranger-stabbing envy was completely unfounded.

Chantelle, you see - and a number of other pointless oxygen-thieving 'celebrities' - have apparently been treating themselves to a bit of discount plastic surgery every now and then.

You may have seen photos of Michael Jackson's bruised and scarred new face - but so what? 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery' isn't news, it's an event so regular that horologists use it to keep timepieces accurate.

But 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery Because He Was Punched In The Face By A Child And His Lips Exploded' - now that's news. Fortunately, that seems to be the exact thing that happened to Michael Jackson recently. According to reports, the reason why Michael Jackson suddenly needed surgery on his face was because his five-year-old son Prince Michael II accidentally smacked him, causing his mouth to 'burst and collapse' in the style of a gruesome straight-to-DVD horror movie. Reports that Prince Michael II then went for a knife, wailing "And this is for You Rock My World" are as yet unconfirmed.

Kanye West never made any secret of how much his mother Dr Donda West meant to him, filling his albums with mentions of her and, in one case, an entire song dedicated to her.

But now Donda West is dead at the tragically young age of 58, and it's time for Kanye West and the authorities to find out why. At the moment the finger seems to be pointing to complications arising from a cosmetic surgery procedure, possibly involving an existing heart condition. Regardless of whose mother she was, Donda West's death will come as a shock to the increasing number of people who see cosmetic surgery as a completely harmless routine procedure. Although the majority of plastic surgery operations go smoothly, chances are the world is asking the same question today: why Kanye West's mother and not, say, Jodie Marsh?