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plane

Report: Burst Tyre Caused Travis Barker Plane Crash

by Stuart Heritage

Horrible news if you missed it – this weekend former Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker and DJ Am were involved in a plane crash that killed four people.

While it’s a near miracle that Travis Barker and DJ AM – real name Adam Goldstein – weren’t killed when their Learjet skidded off a runway in South Carolina on Friday night, the pair of them have suffered serious second- and third-degree burns.

However, both Travis Barker and DJ AM are expected to make full recoveries from their injuries. Meanwhile, investigators have claimed that a burst tyre prior to take-off my have led to the crash.

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Jennifer Lopez Sued Over Alleged Doggy Chomp Attack

by Stuart Heritage

Reason why Jennifer Lopez is better than you: She gets to take dogs onto planes, but you can’t even take a medium-sized bottle of Timotei.

Don’t worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides – like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flightattendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can’t work and sues you for $5 million. That’s what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway.

The lawsuit hasn’t gone through yet, so we don’t know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.

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Bill Murray To Hurl Himself From A Plane

by Stuart Heritage

It’s pointless trying to second guess Bill Murray – just when you’ve got him pegged as crazy old joker he’ll turn up in a Jim Jarmusch movie.

Then, just when you’ve decided that Bill Murray is an indie wunderkid he’ll go and do Garfield 2: A Tale Of Two Kitties. Then, right when Bill Murray is being accused by his ex-wife of being a violent drunken drug addict, he goes and leaps out of plane to raise money for wounded war veterans, which he plans to do next month.

It’s so confusing, isn’t it? Why can’t Bill Murray just try and combine his various identities into one manageable identity. Yes, that’s right, we are suggesting that Bill Murray makes a zany comedy movie about a cartoon cat searching for meaning in his life by getting leathered on booze, jumping out of a plane and punching a woman in the face. That’s exactly what we’re suggesting. What of it?

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Naomi Campbell Charged With Being A Scary Old Airport Nutjob

by Stuart Heritage

Did you know it’s the unassailable right of all British people to attack and abuse police officers if their luggage goes missing on a plane?

It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.

Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.

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Stupid Law & Order Actor Tries To Take Gun Onto Plane

by Stuart Heritage

Plane security is so confusing – medicine is OK, but not hair gel or toothpaste or, as it turns out, loaded unregistered semiautomatic handguns.

We only know this, though, because former Law & Order actor Dennis Farina tried to board a plane with a loaded unregistered semiautomatic handgun in his briefcase and was promptly arrested for it.

Although some are accusing Dennis Farina of gross stupidity almost to the point of mental illness for trying to take a loaded gun onto a plane, we actually couldn’t disagree more – Farina’s arrest has just closed down another airport security loophole. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if he’s just unwitting foiled Al Qaeda’s latest sneaky plan to hijack a bunch of planes by hiding loaded guns in terrorists’ briefcases. He deserves your credit.

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Calvin Harris Loses Second Album. World Rejoices.

by hecklerspray staff

Calvin Harris may be a lot of things but a good musician slash DJ is not one of them.

So it comes as very good slash nice news that, on route to the UK from the US, baggage handlers lost the baggage that happened to contain a laptop on which the only copy of his second album was contained.

If God existed we would thank him right now.

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