And, as such, Winona Ryder has decided to try out a brave new look for visit to London this week. It’s a look that fashion insiders have already dubbed ‘worryingly ill on an aeroplane chic’. And Winona Ryder pulls it off with aplomb, or at least she did yesterday when she got ill on an aeroplane to London and had to be rushed to hospital upon landing.

But don’t worry, solitary remaining Winona Ryder fan – despite rumours of an overdose, your skinny hero was quickly discharged from hospital. And for an extra dollop of good news, Winona Ryder left the airport by ambulance, so she didn’t even set off the metal detectors with all the cutlery she’d been compulsively stashing down her trousers for the duration of the flight (please don’t sue us for making that last bit up).

Winona Ryder might have had her years in the wilderness. OK, her decade. Winona Ryder might have had her entire decade in the wilderness, but now she’s coming back with full force. As Spock’s mother in the upcoming Star Trek movie, Winona Ryder has been given a second chance at the big league, and she’s going to grab it with both hands.

So there’ll be none of the old Winona Ryder craziness any more, OK? No high-profile shoplifting stories, no disgusting stories about having sex with angry hobbits, no drawing attention to yourself by suddenly falling ill on an aeroplane and being rushed to hospital amid rumours of an accidental tranquiliser overdos… wait. Oh Winona, you didn’t.

She did. Or she might have done. Here’s what we know – on a flight from London yesterday, Winona Ryder suddenly got ill and was taken to hospital as a precautionary measure, where she was checked out and quickly discharged. However, The Sun has a slightly different take on the matter:

Winona, 37, had her stomach pumped at a West London hospital. It is believed she mistakenly took too many Xanax pills — used to treat anxiety. One passenger said: “She turned a deathly shade of pale. It was scary.” The Boeing 747’s captain requested a ‘priority landing’ and touched down 22 minutes early at 11.13am.

If it’s true, then that’s fair enough – flying is terrifying. Everyone has their own way to relax on a flight – some do exercises, some listen to jazz. Winona Ryder just seems to enjoy getting shitfaced on tranquilisers, collapsing and getting rushed to hospital to have her stomach pumped. And that’s perfectly fine. Rather that than sit through the in-flight movie, anyway. Especially if it happens to be any Winona Ryder movie made since 1999. Bleurgh.

But look at The Sun’s paragraph again. Because Winona Ryder suddenly got ill on her flight, the pilot managed to get to Heathrow 22 minutes quicker than usual. That’s incredible. Forget neck pillows and support stockings, it seems like all you need to make your long-haul flights slightly less unbearable is a skinny barely-famous idiot with delusions of grandeur who seems to be constantly on the brink of pharmaceutically-assisted death.

That’s it. Winehouse, you’re coming on holiday with us next year. If our theory hold up we’ll reach America in about 25 minutes.

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While it’s a near miracle that Travis Barker and DJ AM – real name Adam Goldstein – weren’t killed when their Learjet skidded off a runway in South Carolina on Friday night, the pair of them have suffered serious second- and third-degree burns.

However, both Travis Barker and DJ AM are expected to make full recoveries from their injuries. Meanwhile, investigators have claimed that a burst tyre prior to take-off my have led to the crash.

Travis Barker and DJ AM have, in the past, contributed the some of the most pointless stories we’ve ever dealt with. DJ AM, for example, was once engaged to Nicole Richie, while Travis Barker might have started a fight between Paris Hilton and some other woman in a nightclub once. All utterly inconsequential, yet still not enough for either of them to deserve what happened to them on Friday night.

On Friday night, after performing a free concert in Columbia, the Learjet carrying Travis Barker, DJ AM and four others skidded off a South Carolina runway, smashed through a fence and crashed into a nearby road. The crash killed the pilot and co-pilot, plus Travis Barker’s personal assistant and a man thought to be his bodyguard.

While it’s claimed that Travis Barker and DJ AM only escaped death by managing to free themselves from the wreckage in time, the pair of them have spent the weekend in a critical condition being treated for second- and third-degree burns. Travis Barker is said to have suffered burns to his torso and lower body, while Goldstein’s burns were to his arms and head. However, it’s thought that both stars will eventually make full recoveries from their injuries.

Meanwhile, investigators seem to be pinning the cause of the crash on a blown tyre, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

Debbie Hersman, spokeswoman of the National Transportation Safety Board, said investigators recovered the cockpit’s voice recorder and spent hours dissecting the relevant minutes of conversation between the Learjet’s pilots. “The crew reacted to a sound consistent with a tire blowout. The crew attempted to reject the takeoff, but they were unable to stop the aircraft before it departed the runway.”

Don’t worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides – like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flight attendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can’t work and sues you for $5 million. That’s what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway.

The lawsuit hasn’t gone through yet, so we don’t know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.

She might be blissfully in love with the man, but Jennifer Lopez hasn’t exactly had an easy time of it since she’s been with Marc Anthony, has she? First she had to deal with a tenuous implication with a tax scam, then a tenuous implication with a heroin dealer, and then the flipping man went and knocked her up.

But if that’s not enough, Marc Anthony has also started legally registering dogs in his name that may or may not go on to savage a flight attendant’s leg two years ago. What a sick bastard he is.

Or what an unsick non-bastard he isn’t, depending on whether the German Shepherd he owns with Jennifer Lopez ruined the professional career of flight attendant Lisa Wilson by biting her in 2006 or not.

Wilson certainly thinks it did – in a $5 million lawsuit, she’s claiming that a German Shepherd that Jennifer Lopez took onto a plane in 2006 reared up and savaged her in the leg, causing her to fall over and bugger up her back enough to get time off work as a result. The New York Daily News reports:

At first, only Lopez, was named in the court papers. But now her husband Marc Anthony has been added as a defendant after lawyers for her said he is the registered owner of the dog, called Floyd.

You what the problem is, don’t you. It’s that Jennifer Lopez isn’t playing by the rules. As a celebrity, all dogs she owns have to be small enough to fit into a handbag. Not only do they look cuter that way, but if one attacks you, you can easily break its jaw off or fling it under the wheels of an oncoming train or something.

But a German Shepherd? That’s hardly fair at all – unless of course we’ve got the wrong end of the stick and Lisa Wilson was attacked by the German man employed to look after Jennifer Lopez’s sheep. If that’s the case we’re only happy to take it all back.

It seems clear to us that if celebrity dogs are really going to start attacking flight attendants on planes, then it’s only fair that the flight attendants should be allowed to bring their own wolves onto planes to retaliate. We’ve thought this through and, although the only logical outcome of this scenario involves aeroplanes full of bears and dinosaurs attacking each other, it really is the only sensible thing to do.

Either way it’s a mess. Let’s hope Jennifer Lopez learns from this experience and restricts her future contact with animals to the ones that she mutilates purely to annoy Heather Mills. That way everyone wins.

Then, just when you’ve decided that Bill Murray is an indie wunderkid he’ll go and do Garfield 2: A Tale Of Two Kitties. Then, right when Bill Murray is being accused by his ex-wife of being a violent drunken drug addict, he goes and leaps out of plane to raise money for wounded war veterans, which he plans to do next month.

It’s so confusing, isn’t it? Why can’t Bill Murray just try and combine his various identities into one manageable identity. Yes, that’s right, we are suggesting that Bill Murray makes a zany comedy movie about a cartoon cat searching for meaning in his life by getting leathered on booze, jumping out of a plane and punching a woman in the face. That’s exactly what we’re suggesting. What of it?

Bill Murray is notoriously hard to pin down. Instead of an agent he’s got a voicemail that he chooses to answer as and when he wants to. Instead of an entourage he has whichever students are at the nearest drunken party he decides to crash. Instead of Access Hollywood he has bewildering appearances on American Chopper.

But lately, even by his standards, things seem to be going awry in Bill Murray’s life. Maybe all these years of playing middle-aged men in the throes of deep mid-life crises have rubbed off, because Bill certainly seems to be sliding off in that direction.

Look at the facts. Drink driving arrest? Check. Recent messy divorce from a long-term wife? Check. Completely unexplainable decision to star as the mayor of an underground city in a generic Walden Media film that nobody in their right mind would watch? Sadly, check.

Jumping out of an aeroplane? An actual flying aeroplane in the sky? On purpose? We’ll be darned if Bill Murray isn’t planning to do that too. We fear that leather trousers and an earring are only weeks away. E! Online reports:

The funnyman has signed up to parachute out of a plane next month to honor veterans during the 50th Annual Chicago Air and Water Show. The publicity stunt is on behalf of USO Illinois, an organization that provides aid to wounded war vets at home and overseas.

Wait, so Bill Murray is only jumping out of a plane to help injured soldiers? That’s not very mid-life crisisy at all is it?

Bill Murray, it’s important you stick to within the badly-defined parameters we set you. Look, let’s meet in the middle. You can still jump out of a plane, but you have to grow a ponytail first. And then eye up a dolly bird young enough to be your granddaughter. And then pretend that you think Vampire Weekend are cool. It’s the only way.

It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.

Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.

Put certain things together and you’re asking for trouble, as anyone who’s ever tried weeing into a plugged-in toaster will happily attest. So putting Naomi Campbell into Heathrow airport was always going to be a mistake.

Maybe because it’s so relentlessly grim and tatty, Heathrow airport has something of a reputation for sending celebrities berserk. Whether it’s Snoop Dogg starting an actual violent riot or David Hasselhoff wetting himself and then staggering around all pee-pantsed, Heathrow seems to do something to normally mild-mannered personalities.

And that’s mild-mannered personalities, so just imagine what it’d do to Naomi Campbell – a woman who once destroyed a yacht with her bare hands because she didn’t like a certain type of salad. Who are we kidding? Everyone knows what it did to Naomi Campbell.

On April 3, after the Terminal Five bungle misplaced her luggage, Naomi Campbell apparently threw a great big wibble, screamed at everyone and assaulted some police officers with either her fists or wads of her saliva depending on what you read. Naomi’s been banned from British Airways as a result – something she’s protesting by not going on any more of its flights – but the big news is that yesterday she was formally charged with assault. The Mirror reports:

She was charged with three counts of assault, two of using threatening, abusive words or behaviour to cabin crew and one of disorderly conduct. The penalty for assaulting a constable is up to six months in jail or a fine of £5,000 … [Lawyer] Mr Nicholls said: “She’s bitterly disappointed that she is to be prosecuted. She respects the decision and hopes the matter is dealt with expeditiously.”

Being charged with assault must come as an awful shock to Naomi Campbell, who’s got absolutely no frame of reference for any of this, barring all those other times she’s previously been charged with assault, naturally. Who knows how she’ll react to this? Who said ‘violently’? Yes, we expect you’re probably right.

But Naomi Campbell has no need to worry, because hecklerspray is determined to throw its weight behind a campaign to keep Naomi Campbell out of jail. Because, let’s be fair, if Naomi Campbell spent six months in prison, then we’d be deprived of the 18 subnormal public batshit Campbell tantrums she’s got pencilled in for that period. And that’s just bad for business.

We only know this, though, because former Law & Order actor Dennis Farina tried to board a plane with a loaded unregistered semiautomatic handgun in his briefcase and was promptly arrested for it.

Although some are accusing Dennis Farina of gross stupidity almost to the point of mental illness for trying to take a loaded gun onto a plane, we actually couldn’t disagree more – Farina’s arrest has just closed down another airport security loophole. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if he’s just unwitting foiled Al Qaeda’s latest sneaky plan to hijack a bunch of planes by hiding loaded guns in terrorists’ briefcases. He deserves your credit.

We’re starting to think that it might not be such a wonderful idea to act in a long-running American procedural crime show, because it obviously sends you loopy. Not so long ago a CSI actor was arrested with a mountain of drugs in his car, and now Law & Order star Dennis Farina has been arrested for trying to saunter onto a plane with a loaded gun in his briefcase.

What makes Dennis Farina’s arrest all the more surprising is that not only did he play a policeman in Law & Order, but he’s also played policemen in just about everything he’s starred in and he was actually a policeman for 20 years. You’d think that’d give him a slight grounding in the law – especially the law about, say, not taking a gun onto a plane, shooting all the cabin crew dead and slamming the plane into Mount Rushmore – but Farina’s actually got a pretty good excuse.

You see, it’s all a big accident. As an American, Dennis Farina uses a gun for everything – from shooting intruders to opening tin cans to signing his name on contracts in banks – and so he just forgot that the gun was in his briefcase. Nevertheless, he’s been arrested. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Farina, 64, was booked in a felony case after LAX screeners found a loaded handgun in his briefcase as he prepared to board a plane. The actor, who is often cast as a foul-mouthed mobster or cop, was contrite when he told airport police and FBI agents that he had forgotten he put the .22-caliber semi-automatic weapon in the case, authorities said. He spent most of the day in a Van Nuys jail and was released on $35,000 bail. “He was apologetic and very cooperative, and he said he understood what was going to happen,” said LAX Police Sgt. Jim Holcomb.

It’s been reported that Dennis Farnina’s bail was initially set at $25,000, up until police discovered that the gun was unregistered, at which point an extra $10,000 was slung on top.

As a former police officer, though, we’re sure that a swift guilty plea will keep Dennis Farina away from serious punishment. And that’s just as well, because he simply doesn’t have the array of excuses open to him that other celebrities in similar situations have.

Like when Snoop Dogg was arrested for trying to carry a 21-inch police baton onto a plane, his excuse was that it was a prop for an upcoming hip-hop music video shoot. If Dennis Farina decided to do that then he’d actually have to make a hip-hop music video and the next thing you know we’ll have to put up with having a 64-year-old white man called D-Farizzle being number one with a song called something like I’ll Fuck Everyone Up. How could that possibly be of any use to society?

Read more:

Actor Dennis Farina Arrested for bringing gun to airport - LA Times

So it comes as very good slash nice news that, on route to the UK from the US, baggage handlers lost the baggage that happened to contain a laptop on which the only copy of his second album was stored.

If God existed we would thank him right now.

The talent disabled Scot, unavailable for comment, is presumably able to console himself in the fact that he gets “all of the girls”, like some sort of spasdic Casanova . He’s not picky or anything, even Katona could be in with a shout. A spokesman for Columbia said:

"It's a big cause for concern – months of work have gone into that. The airport has offered £750 in compensation. You can't really put a price on something like a new record."

You can’t put a price on something like a new record? Well, yes, spokesman for Columbia, if the album were Revolver or Highway 61 Revisited then it wouldn’t be at all possible. But when the album in question concerns the mind and musings of one Calvin Harris then, yes, yes you can. About £0. And we’d haggle for minus numbers.

He’ll probably get to work on a new one sometime soon though so don’t get your hopes up, readers. Console yourselves in the fact that it’ll probably take a year or so. Hopefully. It is quite possible that Calvin will squeeze some sort of disgusting shit from his mouth and fingers by the time summer reaches us. Just in time for Edith Bowman, a woman who is slightly less useful than a TV listing for E4+1, to shout “Amayzin’,” “Choone!” and, “Random!!!” at.

Read more:

Calvin Harris Loses Master Tape Of Second Album - Angry Ape