You have to hand it to Whitney Houston – she’s really great at being a mental famous person. While you have to acknowledge the power of her lungs, we all know damn well that she’s remembered for (alleged) crack cocaine use, throwing tantrums and being in a lousy relationship with Bobby Brown.

Oh, and that bit in the ‘I Will Always Love You‘ video where it looks like she’s taking a dump in the snow as the key-change kicks in.

So which one is she doing now? Well, it involves an aeroplane and a clear will to die.

The last time we heard anything from Whitney, she was being thrown out of a Prince concert by Prince himself after taking a little drink.

This week, she was nearly getting chucked off a plane. Why? Well the reasons are huge. Flying is the most jarring of modes of transport. The constant fear of dropping out of the sky. The irritating children that cry for entire flights. The dreadful food. The lack of leg room. Those bloody flight attendants with their fixed grins and orange legs.

However, Whitters wasn’t angered by any of those things. She was angry at her seat belt.

A source close to the star told E! News:

“She was not drunk or on drugs, she is in the middle of filming a movie and flew across country to attend a charity event and return to filming. She was exhausted.”

WHOA! Who mentioned drink or drugs? The source has done an excellent job of making us assume that Whitney was filled to the eyeballs with booze and narcotics. It’s so obvious! The source said she wasn’t, which makes us all go ‘Uh-huh… right’.

Delta Airlines are now looking further into the situation because they’re hoping that they can meet Whitney or get an autograph or something. Alas, they “cannot comment on passenger or itinerary information.”

To us, it is obvious that she didn’t want to wear her seatbelt because she’s tired of living. She just wants to die in a plane crash like many celebrities before.

It’s not right, but it’s okay.

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Ah, Gerard Depardieu! It doesn’t really matter what you do with your career now because you’ll always be remembered as that drunk French guy who had a wazz in the aisle of an Air France plane.

WAIT!

What’s this? He’s at it again? This time, dressed as Obelix from Asterix? Really? How brilliant. Can we keep him?

Of course, there are some of you out there who think what Gerard did was pretty lousy. Disgusting even! You’re hugely wrong.

It was brilliant, solely because we got to make the joke ‘Gaul bladder’. That’s worth your entrance fee alone.

Either way, Gerard is making light of the whole thing while promoting his upcoming film about cartoon character Obelix.

G-Dep (that’s what we do with actors now, right?) waddles around in his outfit and says a load of stuff in French that we don’t understand because we didn’t listen in school.

J’ai douze ans.

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Ah, Gerard Depardieu. He’s a daft old drunk isn’t he? When he emptied his bladder in the aisle of an Air France plane, we all chuckled about the effects of alcoholism in mental actors, but alas, we were all hugely wrong!

See, Gerard wasn’t drunk at all! He really wants to point out that he was as sober as can be.

Which surely, makes the whole ‘getting your chap out before a load of passengers and then taking a steaming leak all over the carpet’ thing considerably worse, right? Is he saying that being drunk is more shameful than wazzing in public?

Either way, the French actor says he’s ”sorry” for urinating one off. He’s got problems you see.

A statement released by his friend, actor Edouard Baer, said:

“Gerard is very sorry for what happened. He wanted to go to the toilet but he was forbidden because we were about to take off, so he was forced to do it on the plane in front of everybody.

“He has prostate problems and it was very worrying and humiliating for him. He was also stone-cold sober at the time. This is not the way he usually behaves.”

The tale (or tail, it’s up to you) doesn’t end there. Long suffering Edouard, who was with Depardieu on the flight, tried to rectify the situation by giving him a receptacle in which to piss.

But it overflowed like some awful sitcom.

“I found the solution by passing him an Evian water bottle, but it was too small and overflowed.”

It overflowed! We hope it was one of those two litre bottles! That would be immense! Imagine it! Gerard is the champion pisser!

Next week: Gerard Depardieu aims to do the biggest stool sample in history.

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Gerard Depardieu is the world’s most unlikely sex symbol, what with him having a face like a bear ravaged buttock that belongs to a scaly vagrant. Yet, the ladies love him! Is it because he’s a suave, refined man?

Well it can’t be that, given that this week, the French actor decided to have a massive piss in the aisle of an Air France plane.

No seriously.

Good ol’ Depardieu was fidgeting around in his seat while the plane was waiting to take off in Paris, making its way to Dublin.

Like a lot of flights, there was something of a delay. Gerard Depardieu turned into Depardon’tbloodybelievethis, and decided that he couldn’t hold his urine any longer.

Depardieu told the flight attendant:

“Je veux pisser”

You’re stupid, but can guess what that means, right? Well, the attendant knew, but didn’t care. You start letting one passenger go for a leak and they’ll all want one.

No, he’d have to wait 15 minutes.

Not a man who can wait 15 minutes, Depardieu unzipped his kecks and took a stinky slash all over the aisle carpet.

Then, the real delays started as the jet returned to the gate for 2 hours while some poor sods had to clean it up, and of course, Depardieu was escorted away to be slapped/housetrained.

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Brooke Mueller, a woman who was daft enough to have children with Charlie Sheen and rather fond of crack-pipes, may well be thinking of getting back with the former Two And A Half Men chump (once the divorce goes through, confusingly enough), but that doesn’t mean she has to be nice to people on planes.

Mueller got into a spot of bother with the crew of a United jet from L.A. to Cancun (where, we’re told, the crack is AMAZING) and ended up exiting a flight early.

Sadly, she didn’t open the door mid-flight and end up sucking all the passengers out of the plane til there was nothing left but screaming specks on the horizon.

Sources say that Brooke wasm kicking up a stink while sat on a plane, which is exactly what everyone needs before a flight takes off… palms sweating… nervous about being so high in the sky… certain that you’re about to die in a massive fireball into the sea… certain death.

Ahem.

As this particular flying death trap was about to tootle away from the gate, Brooke decided to tell everyone how nauseous she felt. Withdrawal symptoms or remembering Charlie Sheen naked? You decide. Anyway, said she needed to go to the bathroom and the flight attendant told her to sit her sorry behind down.

That’s when things got a little heated.

Brooke insisted on telling everyone that she needed to puke (nice) and, hilariously, the flight attendant abruptly replied with:

“Tough.”

Mueller went nuts and demanded that they let her get off the plane. The crew were all too happy to chuck the mental witch onto the tarmac.

A witness says:

“[Brooke was] belligerent and cussing out the flight attendant”

That said, as irritating as Mueller clearly is, at least she’s not a crying baby. Sadly, there is still no law which allows us to throw those defecating, wailing ogres out of windows at thousands of feet.

Ah well.

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Take That are bunch of drips, aren’t they? If they’re not gyrating around in front of millions of middle-aged women or complaining about press intrusion in effete Northern accents, they’re having little panic attacks about getting felt up by giant robots. Or something like that.

Their latest woe has come in the form of a little bit of lightning which gave the lads the heebie-jeebies when their tour plane was lightly struck by it ahead of the start of the European leg of their Progress tour. Oh no! Did they survive the ordeal?!

Of course they did.

The band were travelling to their opening show in Milan when their plan hit bad turbulence at 35,000 ft. Planes never hit anything at anything less than 30,000ft. It’s a rule set down by aeronautical disaster films since the beginning of time. Seriously, you could skim a plane along the ground and it would be in less danger of running into something than at the dreaded 35,000 ft.

Of course, there’s no difference in the feeling of turbulence to the plane actually being struck by lightning. It’s not as though the wings were sheered off by the wrath of an angry god. The plane was hit by a pretty routine bit of weather. Planes are hit by lightning all the time because they have some pathological desire to fly in the ‘danger zone’ of 35,000 ft.

Some nincompoop told the Daily Mirror;

“The plane took off fairly normally, though we knew there was bad weather ahead, but mid way during the flight the turbulence was really quite frightening. Then suddenly, there was a bright flash, and the plane had obviously been struck by lightning.”

Obviously. That being said, the Take That lads were obviously and visually shaken up by the affair with Robbie Williams questioning why the strike didn’t leave them all with super powers before Mark Owen pointed out that they had always had the ability to induce the menopause in any woman over the age of thirty.

The incident was no doubt an act of God, the great and benevolent ruler in the sky that some of you believe in. However, why would God do such a thing?

A spokesman for God told hecklerspray;

“Well, that’s what you get when you release a ‘special edition’ of your old album and try to pass it off as a completely new one in order to grind more shekels out of your fanbase.”

Take note, pop stars. God is watching.

At the moment, the UK is currently being gripped by an incident so worrying and terrifying that big name directors are already battling for the rights to secure a Hollywood account of it. Gripped by the elements, Jack Frost has grounded transport, stranded thousands and given countless individuals an easy excuse to skive off work.

Remember, this is in the UK where a few flakes of snow cause TV stations to dispatch hundreds of journalists to the scene so we can see what snow looks like in York, Slough and Oldham!

In LA, the weather is normally warmer with the exception of the occasional earthquake, though Cumbria recently enjoyed its own. There, (LA, not Cumbria) Paris Hilton wasn’t stuck behind a threatening snowman, instead a flight she boarded an unwanted visitor, a big sharp pointy knife!

Due to the heightened paranoia over air travel after terrorist attacks, travelling via an airplane isn’t as fun as it used to be. Children were once freely allowed to visit the pilot in his cockpit as he flew holiday makers to their destinations. Now, your air driver is locked away in a small room where if he passes out, nobody will be able to run in and steer the plane to safety. You know, like in movie films.

As per usual, there’s few details with this sort of story. We don’t know if it was something we’d call a big fuck-off knife that could be used to slice open an elephant, one of those industrial knives that Gordan Ramsey would use to threaten a diner with or, in Paris Hilton’s case, a cutlery knife that could be used to butter a rock-hard airline bread bun.

Because Paris Hilton is the sort of person to follow stupid diets such as licking raw chicken breasts while listening to audio in while underwater, she is subsequently so thin that she wouldn’t be seen if you stood sideways. Therefore, a child’s pretend knife for a doll set would be seen as gigantic in proportion for her. Writing about the incident she said:

“We were about to take off then security made everyone deplane because they found a big knife on board the plane. Scary that it got on plane.”

We’ll break up what happens next in a non exciting way. Kind of like when the adverts interrupt Emmerdale, Hilton continued by saying:

‘They just finished the security sweep of the plane. About to board again. So strange a knife got on board. Can’t wait to get to Maui,’

Turned out it was a box cutter, left on the plane by airport staff.

Stupid idiots. Bet it didn’t stop them from being suspicious of everyone who got on the plane. Still, at least Paris didn’t end up confusing mints for cocaine again…

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Derren Brown, the British mind magician and all around annoying show off, has wowed the slackjawed public with his latest special, Hero at 30,000 feet, in which he takes a bad actor an average guy and turns him into a hero… at 30,000 feet (this is achieved with a plane in case you haven’t yet realised it).

Now, I’m not one to nit-pick (not true, I really am), but I had a bone to pick with this show. Most people will tell you that it was all staged and that it was done with split screen technology or something equally annoying, but that wasn’t the problem.

The problem was… Derren Brown appears to have just made a mockumentary version of Donnie Darko.

Let’s examine the evidence. Donnie Matt is an average guy who isn’t fulfilling his potential and is yearning to be special. One night he sleepwalks after being woken up by a mysterious voice that tells him he has about a month until a life changing event will occur. By this point all that’s missing is an 80s soundtrack and some rabbit ears on Brown. I half expected Matt to reveal he was just Jake Gyllenhaal wearing a, “stupid man suit.”

Derren, who is now quite obviously channelling Frank the Rabbit, then wakes up Matt again, to bring him into the middle of a field to explain how his life is unfulfilled. We are then introduced to an animal that Matt is told represents power, a crocodile, in the film this part was played by the statue of the school’s mascot. As much as I wanted to see Matt put an axe through its skull it, unfortunately, never happened.

Matt then goes through a series of events that includes theft, breaking into the house of a respected member of society (the police commissioner, who isn’t a paedophile in this show, or so we’re lead to believe) and a feat of super human strength when he breaks out of the strait jacket on the train tracks.

At one point, Brown even says Matt is going through a, “transformation from ordinary to extraordinary,” you know, like that high school kid who could time travel and had superpowers. What was his name again? Oh yeah, Donnie Darko.

But most of all, at the end of the show, a plane carrying some of his loved ones is supposed to be falling out of the sky and only he can save them!

Also the whole thing made about as much sense as Donnie Darko, but at least Drew Barrymore wasn’t in it.

With Sly Stallone’s bizarre announcement that he’d like Bruce Willis to appear as a villain in The Expendables 2 (because apparently flogging a dead horse once just isn’t enough) we here at Hecklerspray decided to man up and have ourselves a good, ol’ fashioned Die Hard marathon, to re-acquaint ourselves with one of our favourite action movie icons.

But something troubled us deeply, Die Hard, Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Die Hard 3: Die Hard With a Vengeance and Die Hard 4.0: Life Free or Die Hard, the scenes seemed to be a lot more ridiculous than we remembered. Happily this meant that we can bring you the top 10 most ridiculous scenes from the Die Hard series.

10. Kevin Smith – Die Hard 4.0

Maths isn’t my strongpoint, truth be told it isn’t a lot of people’s strongpoint, so how a cop who’s too stupid to wear anything other than a vest at Christmas and a middle aged man who still works as a shop assistant manage to solve this puzzle is beyond me.

8. Jumping off the Nakatomi plaza – Die Hard

In one of the most iconic scenes from the Die Hard quadrilogy our favourite New York Cop jumps from the exploding roof of the Nakatomi Plaza skyscraper whilst using a fire hose as a safety line, inadvertently giving some nut-cases the idea for BASE jumping. Miraculously the weight of a fully grown man falling doesn’t result in the hose simply breaking off and letting him fall to his death, it holds on for just long enough to give him time to get back inside… typical.

7. The Military Go AWOL – Die Hard 2

6. John Mclane vs Water Pressure – Die Hard With A Vengeance

5. Blowing Up A Jumbo Jet – Die Hard 2

At the end of Die Hard 2: Die-Harder-than-you-would-have-died-originally-even-though-that-doesn’t-make-sense-because-you’d-have-died-the-first-time it appears as if the bad guys have managed to escape. Until McClane turns up with his trusty Zippo to make them explode in the most over the top way possible. Out of all the weapons he had access too, he chose a zippo to destroy a plane filled with evil soldiers.

Now that she’s pushing 40, Winona Ryder can’t really pull off that pixie waif look any more, so it’s time for a change.

And, as such, Winona Ryder has decided to try out a brave new look for visit to London this week. It’s a look that fashion insiders have already dubbed ‘worryingly ill on an aeroplane chic’. And Winona Ryder pulls it off with aplomb, or at least she did yesterday when she got ill on an aeroplane to London and had to be rushed to hospital upon landing.

But don’t worry, solitary remaining Winona Ryder fan – despite rumours of an overdose, your skinny hero was quickly discharged from hospital. And for an extra dollop of good news, Winona Ryder left the airport by ambulance, so she didn’t even set off the metal detectors with all the cutlery she’d been compulsively stashing down her trousers for the duration of the flight (please don’t sue us for making that last bit up).

Winona Ryder might have had her years in the wilderness. OK, her decade. Winona Ryder might have had her entire decade in the wilderness, but now she’s coming back with full force. As Spock’s mother in the upcoming Star Trek movie, Winona Ryder has been given a second chance at the big league, and she’s going to grab it with both hands.

So there’ll be none of the old Winona Ryder craziness any more, OK? No high-profile shoplifting stories, no disgusting stories about having sex with angry hobbits, no drawing attention to yourself by suddenly falling ill on an aeroplane and being rushed to hospital amid rumours of an accidental tranquiliser overdos… wait. Oh Winona, you didn’t.

She did. Or she might have done. Here’s what we know – on a flight from London yesterday, Winona Ryder suddenly got ill and was taken to hospital as a precautionary measure, where she was checked out and quickly discharged. However, The Sun has a slightly different take on the matter:

Winona, 37, had her stomach pumped at a West London hospital. It is believed she mistakenly took too many Xanax pills — used to treat anxiety. One passenger said: “She turned a deathly shade of pale. It was scary.” The Boeing 747’s captain requested a ‘priority landing’ and touched down 22 minutes early at 11.13am.

If it’s true, then that’s fair enough – flying is terrifying. Everyone has their own way to relax on a flight – some do exercises, some listen to jazz. Winona Ryder just seems to enjoy getting shitfaced on tranquilisers, collapsing and getting rushed to hospital to have her stomach pumped. And that’s perfectly fine. Rather that than sit through the in-flight movie, anyway. Especially if it happens to be any Winona Ryder movie made since 1999. Bleurgh.

But look at The Sun‘s paragraph again. Because Winona Ryder suddenly got ill on her flight, the pilot managed to get to Heathrow 22 minutes quicker than usual. That’s incredible. Forget neck pillows and support stockings, it seems like all you need to make your long-haul flights slightly less unbearable is a skinny barely-famous idiot with delusions of grandeur who seems to be constantly on the brink of pharmaceutically-assisted death.

That’s it. Winehouse, you’re coming on holiday with us next year. If our theory hold up we’ll reach America in about 25 minutes.

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Horrible news if you missed it – this weekend former Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker and DJ Am were involved in a plane crash that killed four people.

While it’s a near miracle that Travis Barker and DJ AM – real name Adam Goldstein – weren’t killed when their Learjet skidded off a runway in South Carolina on Friday night, the pair of them have suffered serious second- and third-degree burns.

However, both Travis Barker and DJ AM are expected to make full recoveries from their injuries. Meanwhile, investigators have claimed that a burst tyre prior to take-off my have led to the crash.

Travis Barker and DJ AM have, in the past, contributed the some of the most pointless stories we’ve ever dealt with. DJ AM, for example, was once engaged to Nicole Richie, while Travis Barker might have started a fight between Paris Hilton and some other woman in a nightclub once. All utterly inconsequential, yet still not enough for either of them to deserve what happened to them on Friday night.

On Friday night, after performing a free concert in Columbia, the Learjet carrying Travis Barker, DJ AM and four others skidded off a South Carolina runway, smashed through a fence and crashed into a nearby road. The crash killed the pilot and co-pilot, plus Travis Barker’s personal assistant and a man thought to be his bodyguard.

While it’s claimed that Travis Barker and DJ AM only escaped death by managing to free themselves from the wreckage in time, the pair of them have spent the weekend in a critical condition being treated for second- and third-degree burns. Travis Barker is said to have suffered burns to his torso and lower body, while Goldstein’s burns were to his arms and head. However, it’s thought that both stars will eventually make full recoveries from their injuries.

Meanwhile, investigators seem to be pinning the cause of the crash on a blown tyre, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

Debbie Hersman, spokeswoman of the National Transportation Safety Board, said investigators recovered the cockpit’s voice recorder and spent hours dissecting the relevant minutes of conversation between the Learjet’s pilots. “The crew reacted to a sound consistent with a tire blowout. The crew attempted to reject the takeoff, but they were unable to stop the aircraft before it departed the runway.”

Reason why Jennifer Lopez is better than you: She gets to take dogs onto planes, but you can’t even take a medium-sized bottle of Timotei.

Don’t worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides – like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flight attendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can’t work and sues you for $5 million. That’s what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway.

The lawsuit hasn’t gone through yet, so we don’t know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.

She might be blissfully in love with the man, but Jennifer Lopez hasn’t exactly had an easy time of it since she’s been with Marc Anthony, has she? First she had to deal with a tenuous implication with a tax scam, then a tenuous implication with a heroin dealer, and then the flipping man went and knocked her up.

But if that’s not enough, Marc Anthony has also started legally registering dogs in his name that may or may not go on to savage a flight attendant’s leg two years ago. What a sick bastard he is.

Or what an unsick non-bastard he isn’t, depending on whether the German Shepherd he owns with Jennifer Lopez ruined the professional career of flight attendant Lisa Wilson by biting her in 2006 or not.

Wilson certainly thinks it did – in a $5 million lawsuit, she’s claiming that a German Shepherd that Jennifer Lopez took onto a plane in 2006 reared up and savaged her in the leg, causing her to fall over and bugger up her back enough to get time off work as a result. The New York Daily News reports:

At first, only Lopez, was named in the court papers. But now her husband Marc Anthony has been added as a defendant after lawyers for her said he is the registered owner of the dog, called Floyd.

You what the problem is, don’t you. It’s that Jennifer Lopez isn’t playing by the rules. As a celebrity, all dogs she owns have to be small enough to fit into a handbag. Not only do they look cuter that way, but if one attacks you, you can easily break its jaw off or fling it under the wheels of an oncoming train or something.

But a German Shepherd? That’s hardly fair at all – unless of course we’ve got the wrong end of the stick and Lisa Wilson was attacked by the German man employed to look after Jennifer Lopez’s sheep. If that’s the case we’re only happy to take it all back.

It seems clear to us that if celebrity dogs are really going to start attacking flight attendants on planes, then it’s only fair that the flight attendants should be allowed to bring their own wolves onto planes to retaliate. We’ve thought this through and, although the only logical outcome of this scenario involves aeroplanes full of bears and dinosaurs attacking each other, it really is the only sensible thing to do.

Either way it’s a mess. Let’s hope Jennifer Lopez learns from this experience and restricts her future contact with animals to the ones that she mutilates purely to annoy Heather Mills. That way everyone wins.

It’s pointless trying to second guess Bill Murray – just when you’ve got him pegged as crazy old joker he’ll turn up in a Jim Jarmusch movie.

Then, just when you’ve decided that Bill Murray is an indie wunderkid he’ll go and do Garfield 2: A Tale Of Two Kitties. Then, right when Bill Murray is being accused by his ex-wife of being a violent drunken drug addict, he goes and leaps out of plane to raise money for wounded war veterans, which he plans to do next month.

It’s so confusing, isn’t it? Why can’t Bill Murray just try and combine his various identities into one manageable identity. Yes, that’s right, we are suggesting that Bill Murray makes a zany comedy movie about a cartoon cat searching for meaning in his life by getting leathered on booze, jumping out of a plane and punching a woman in the face. That’s exactly what we’re suggesting. What of it?

Bill Murray is notoriously hard to pin down. Instead of an agent he’s got a voicemail that he chooses to answer as and when he wants to. Instead of an entourage he has whichever students are at the nearest drunken party he decides to crash. Instead of Access Hollywood he has bewildering appearances on American Chopper.

But lately, even by his standards, things seem to be going awry in Bill Murray’s life. Maybe all these years of playing middle-aged men in the throes of deep mid-life crises have rubbed off, because Bill certainly seems to be sliding off in that direction.

Look at the facts. Drink driving arrest? Check. Recent messy divorce from a long-term wife? Check. Completely unexplainable decision to star as the mayor of an underground city in a generic Walden Media film that nobody in their right mind would watch? Sadly, check.

Jumping out of an aeroplane? An actual flying aeroplane in the sky? On purpose? We’ll be darned if Bill Murray isn’t planning to do that too. We fear that leather trousers and an earring are only weeks away. E! Online reports:

The funnyman has signed up to parachute out of a plane next month to honor veterans during the 50th Annual Chicago Air and Water Show. The publicity stunt is on behalf of USO Illinois, an organization that provides aid to wounded war vets at home and overseas.

Wait, so Bill Murray is only jumping out of a plane to help injured soldiers? That’s not very mid-life crisisy at all is it?

Bill Murray, it’s important you stick to within the badly-defined parameters we set you. Look, let’s meet in the middle. You can still jump out of a plane, but you have to grow a ponytail first. And then eye up a dolly bird young enough to be your granddaughter. And then pretend that you think Vampire Weekend are cool. It’s the only way.

Did you know it’s the unassailable right of all British people to attack and abuse police officers if their luggage goes missing on a plane?

It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.

Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.

Put certain things together and you’re asking for trouble, as anyone who’s ever tried weeing into a plugged-in toaster will happily attest. So putting Naomi Campbell into Heathrow airport was always going to be a mistake.

Maybe because it’s so relentlessly grim and tatty, Heathrow airport has something of a reputation for sending celebrities berserk. Whether it’s Snoop Dogg starting an actual violent riot or David Hasselhoff wetting himself and then staggering around all pee-pantsed, Heathrow seems to do something to normally mild-mannered personalities.

And that’s mild-mannered personalities, so just imagine what it’d do to Naomi Campbell – a woman who once destroyed a yacht with her bare hands because she didn’t like a certain type of salad. Who are we kidding? Everyone knows what it did to Naomi Campbell.

On April 3, after the Terminal Five bungle misplaced her luggage, Naomi Campbell apparently threw a great big wibble, screamed at everyone and assaulted some police officers with either her fists or wads of her saliva depending on what you read. Naomi’s been banned from British Airways as a result – something she’s protesting by not going on any more of its flights – but the big news is that yesterday she was formally charged with assault. The Mirror reports:

She was charged with three counts of assault, two of using threatening, abusive words or behaviour to cabin crew and one of disorderly conduct. The penalty for assaulting a constable is up to six months in jail or a fine of £5,000 … [Lawyer] Mr Nicholls said: “She’s bitterly disappointed that she is to be prosecuted. She respects the decision and hopes the matter is dealt with expeditiously.”

Being charged with assault must come as an awful shock to Naomi Campbell, who’s got absolutely no frame of reference for any of this, barring all those other times she’s previously been charged with assault, naturally. Who knows how she’ll react to this? Who said ‘violently’? Yes, we expect you’re probably right.

But Naomi Campbell has no need to worry, because hecklerspray is determined to throw its weight behind a campaign to keep Naomi Campbell out of jail. Because, let’s be fair, if Naomi Campbell spent six months in prison, then we’d be deprived of the 18 subnormal public batshit Campbell tantrums she’s got pencilled in for that period. And that’s just bad for business.

Plane security is so confusing – medicine is OK, but not hair gel or toothpaste or, as it turns out, loaded unregistered semiautomatic handguns.

We only know this, though, because former Law & Order actor Dennis Farina tried to board a plane with a loaded unregistered semiautomatic handgun in his briefcase and was promptly arrested for it.

Although some are accusing Dennis Farina of gross stupidity almost to the point of mental illness for trying to take a loaded gun onto a plane, we actually couldn’t disagree more – Farina’s arrest has just closed down another airport security loophole. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if he’s just unwitting foiled Al Qaeda’s latest sneaky plan to hijack a bunch of planes by hiding loaded guns in terrorists’ briefcases. He deserves your credit.

We’re starting to think that it might not be such a wonderful idea to act in a long-running American procedural crime show, because it obviously sends you loopy. Not so long ago a CSI actor was arrested with a mountain of drugs in his car, and now Law & Order star Dennis Farina has been arrested for trying to saunter onto a plane with a loaded gun in his briefcase.

What makes Dennis Farina’s arrest all the more surprising is that not only did he play a policeman in Law & Order, but he’s also played policemen in just about everything he’s starred in and he was actually a policeman for 20 years. You’d think that’d give him a slight grounding in the law – especially the law about, say, not taking a gun onto a plane, shooting all the cabin crew dead and slamming the plane into Mount Rushmore – but Farina’s actually got a pretty good excuse.

You see, it’s all a big accident. As an American, Dennis Farina uses a gun for everything – from shooting intruders to opening tin cans to signing his name on contracts in banks – and so he just forgot that the gun was in his briefcase. Nevertheless, he’s been arrested. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Farina, 64, was booked in a felony case after LAX screeners found a loaded handgun in his briefcase as he prepared to board a plane. The actor, who is often cast as a foul-mouthed mobster or cop, was contrite when he told airport police and FBI agents that he had forgotten he put the .22-caliber semi-automatic weapon in the case, authorities said. He spent most of the day in a Van Nuys jail and was released on $35,000 bail. “He was apologetic and very cooperative, and he said he understood what was going to happen,” said LAX Police Sgt. Jim Holcomb.

It’s been reported that Dennis Farnina’s bail was initially set at $25,000, up until police discovered that the gun was unregistered, at which point an extra $10,000 was slung on top.

As a former police officer, though, we’re sure that a swift guilty plea will keep Dennis Farina away from serious punishment. And that’s just as well, because he simply doesn’t have the array of excuses open to him that other celebrities in similar situations have.

Like when Snoop Dogg was arrested for trying to carry a 21-inch police baton onto a plane, his excuse was that it was a prop for an upcoming hip-hop music video shoot. If Dennis Farina decided to do that then he’d actually have to make a hip-hop music video and the next thing you know we’ll have to put up with having a 64-year-old white man called D-Farizzle being number one with a song called something like I’ll Fuck Everyone Up. How could that possibly be of any use to society?

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Actor Dennis Farina Arrested for bringing gun to airport - LA Times