Why are pirates ace? Because they AARRRRGGH! And what do most pirates eat when they’re not at sea? Whopp-ARRRS.

With the Pirates Of The Caribbean series being stupidly successful for Disney, it would only seem appropriate to squeeze out another film to, um, complete the trilogy. However that’s already been arsed up by Orlando Bloom not bothering to return to the seven seas. But fear not, for serial shagger and poor man’s Fonejacker Russell Brand is being lined up to play the brother of Captain Jack Sparrow.

At the current rate, this film will be worth watching for a level of comedy casting not seen since Billy Connolly’s single wide-eyed expression in the latest X-Files movie.

Supposedly, the happy clappy jumpy boy from High School Musical is going to be the son of Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of The Caribbean 4. How the writers will explain a perfectly-groomed and sugarcoated child who has a sex mad uncle in Russell Brand remains to be unseen. Perhaps the DVD extras will show scenes of Brand telling Zac Efron about double penetration and the ATM manoeuvre. Or could he just be a creepy uncle who introduces him to his first can of Kestrel super strength lager.

One of the only reasons we can think of as to why Russell Brand would be suited as a pirate would be down to the fact the movie studios are short of cash for the make-up department and are looking to hire anyone who resembles a scurvy dog. Face it, with long scruffy hair and an ragged beard, he wouldn’t be needing hours of careful wig changes every day, would he.

However, Now magazine seems to have a more rational explanation – apparently it’s all down to the similarities in accent. A source said:

“There’s a lot of Jack Sparrow in his mannerisms and behaviour. Johnny’s accent isn’t a million miles away from Russell’s either.”

The last time we checked, Captain Jack Sparrow didn’t leap around sounding “ooo look at my magic winky” but then again, those moments may be on secret tapes used to blackmail him at future points in time. Whatever mannerisms they may share, we don’t see them. Maybe Captain Jack Sparrow likes to harass aging pirates and leave them offensive scrolls in their ship.

And because we all know and love Russell Brand for making sexual connotations at any event, we predict that he’ll be able to shoehorn something filthy into Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. May we suggest the angry pirate sex act – a process that involves depositing man liquid in to the eye of an lady that acts like a eye patch whilst kicking her in the shin to make her hobble like she has a peg leg.

And just to throw in one more crap pirate-related joke joke – have you heard what the rating for Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 will be? Its going to be AARRRRGGH rated.

A resignation letter is on the editor’s desk for the last gag.

Until now there’s been one reason and one reason alone to look forward to Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 – no Orlando Bloom.

But now there’s another reason that’s equally uplifting – not only will Orlando Bloom not foul up Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, but nor will Zac Efron from High School Musical. Contrary to rumours suggesting that Zac Efron had signed on to play Johnny Depp‘s son in the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean movie, it’s been revealed that no such deal has been made.

Yet. Despite the denial, Zac Efron isn’t hiding his enthusiasm for a role in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. But if he does eventually get the job, producers will have to find a clever way to explain his presence in the movie. We suggest a flashback to Captain Jack Sparrow having it off with a charisma-free injection-moulded shop dummy and somehow getting it pregnant. Nobody could argue with logic like that.

For a movie that hasn’t even started to be made yet, we seem to know an awful lot about Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 so far. For instance, Johnny Depp has been paid all the money in the universe to reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, there’s a fighting chance that Tim Burton will be the director and, if the pattern of the last three movies holds, the whole thing will be 15 hours long and so confusing that blood will start squirting from one of your ears about half an hour in.

In addition to all that, one persistent rumour is that Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 will feature more of Jack Sparrow’s family. Thanks to Keith Richards‘ cameo in the last movie, we know that Sparrow’s father was part grizzly driftwood and part sheep testicle, and there’s a strong chance that Russell Brand will end up playing his brother in the new film.

But there’s also a chance that Jack Sparrow’s son will make an appearance in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, and that he’ll be played by High School Musical‘s Zac Efron. You know the chap – he looks like a pre-pubescent ventriloquist’s dummy that’s been programmed by a berserk professor to never think, say or do anything even marginally controversial. He probably has a smoothed-off plastic nub where his genitals should be, too.

In a way, Zac Efron would be the perfect choice to play Johnny Depp’s son in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 – let’s not forget that the movies are based on a theme park ride full of unrealistic herky-jerky animatronic humanoids, so he’d fit in flawlessly – but sadly it’s not to be, as MTV reports:

Speaking to MTV News, Efron was adamant that the talk of his voyaging through the Caribbean was nothing more than a rumor. “No one has talked to me about it,” the “High School Musical 3” star insisted. “I didn’t even know [about it]… Cross your fingers for me guys!”

Now that he’s expressed an interest, though, maybe Zac Efron will get offered a role in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 after all. It’d certainly help pitch the movie at the tween generation, that’s for sure.

In fact, why stop there? Why not get other tween stars to join the cast of Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, too? Miley Cyrus would make a great love interest for Zac Efron, and we’ve already devised a scene in which, after The Black Pearl runs out of ammunition, Jamie Lynn Spears is recruited to take out ships by firing a steady procession of illegitimate babies out of her ladyparts at the enemy fleets.

Helena Bonham Carter should learn swordfighting quickly, because if Tim Burton is tapped to direct Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, she’ll have to be in it.

Oh, didn’t we mention? Tim Burton might be directing Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. It’s just a rumour for now, but Disney is thought to want to retain Burton’s services after he’s finished with Alice In Wonderland if Pirates Of The Caribbean director Gore Verbinski gets bored of it all.

Of course, hiring Tim Burton for Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 might seem like something of a risk, but it really isn’t – after all, Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 went on for about 15 hours and couldn’t have made any less sense if it was an East European claymation film about the inside of a twig, so there’s genuinely nothing that Tim Burton could do that would bugger the series up any further.

God, but Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 was rubbish, wasn’t it? It genuinely had nothing going for it – it was overlong, over-complicated and pointlessly saddled in its own mythology. Between Johnny Depp doing his funny run for the millionth time, Keira Knightley‘s continued assumption that she’s funnier than she actually is and Keith Richards‘ cameo as a terminally-ill walnut, audiences everywhere were praying that someone would take the Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise outside and put it out of its misery.

But it made money so, somewhat inevitably, there’s going to be a Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. It was always on the cards, what with Johnny Depp’s publicy-confessed kinship with Captain Jack Sparrow, but now it’s official.

Just the other week Johnny Depp signed a deal promising him more money than there actually is in the world to star in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, and it’s all go. Except for one thing – who’ll direct Pirates Of The Carribean 4?

Chances are it’ll be Gore Verbinski, the director of the first three movies, but given that he’ll probably strangle himself to death on all the film’s ridiculous storylines within the first fortnight of pre-production, Disney has lined up an alternative in the wings – Tim Burton. Cinemablend reports:

If there is a single director who could make people excited for a fourth Pirates movie, it has to be Burton. He’s done so many amazing movie with Depp already, and might have the ability to make the new franchise as fresh and exciting as it was when the first movie came out. After all, Tim Burton is already making a movie for Disney, and if Alice in Wonderland is going well, you can see how they’d want to hang on to him.

Tim Burton might not be the obvious choice to direct Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, but it could definitely work. After all, with Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and the new Alice in Wonderland movie, Tim Burton has proved that he can make idiosyncratic family movies.

True, with Planet Of The Apes Tim Burton also proved that he could make films almost as bad as Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, but let’s try and put that out of our minds for the time being.

In fact, we’re positive that Tim Burton is going to make one of the best films of the series in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. That’s because either Sacha Baron Cohen or Russell Brand is apparently being lined up to play Johnny Depp’s brother in the movie, and either of them would be a good foil.

But more importantly, though, Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 is going to be great because Orlando Bloom‘s probably not going to be in it. With that in mind, Uwe Boll could direct Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 with his arse on a set made of runny shit and it’d still be better than any of the others.

Read more:

Scoop: Tim Burton Might Direct Pirates 4 – Cinemablend