Yes! It’s that time of year again! Americans all over the world are rejoicing as other, less patriotic people sit and make snide comments at the expense of those proud of their heritage. Yes, it’s the 4th July when Americans celebrate their liberation from oppressive aliens at the hands of a cigar-smoking Will Sm- what? Oh, sorry. Their declaration of independence from the United Kingdom of Great Britain & Ireland.
As a British website, hecklerspray would like to wish our American readers all of the happiness in the world and long may your independence from all tyranny continue. Even the tyranny of your right wing media. You’ve earned your freedom. Well, you haven’t but your ancestors did. Or they emigrated. Y’know… from here.
Of course, it’s of vital importance that we all know exactly what our favourite celebrities are doing to celebrate their country’s independence from us tyrannical Brits. We took a look at the niche section of our putrid, pus-ridden post bag to answer your burning questions. Just what are they up to?
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Pink has given birth to a baby girl. A stupid, stupid baby girl. A baby that will cry, defecate, vomit and drag every ounce of Pink’s sorry life out of her until she’s even more of a husk than she was before. And we’re supposed to care. We’re supposed to give a flying fuck.
See, this is what happens when someone completes the tedious biological feat of unifying a sperm and an egg. We’re supposed to coo about how beautiful a moment in human history it is, despite the fact, as underlined in the thousands of housing estates in Britain, even the most dithering thicket-brained bovine can get pregnant.
Effectively, all a baby is, is a signal that condoms are brilliant and that a person has decided to completely give up on life, in favour of bestowing their flickering hope on another human who, obviously, will continue the cycle of failed potential, in turn, having children of their own and perpetuating the notion that where there are future humans, there is hope.
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Pink once sang “where have the smart people gone?” in her song, ‘Stupid Girl’, which sneered at those who get their breasts out for fame and chatter about the inane while tragedy besets the world.
And so, with that, the ‘I’ve Got My Boobs Out In Public In The Name Of Staying In The Public Consciousness But I Was Being Ironic Or Empowering Depending On What My Publicist Told Me’ popstar has got something very important to tell us.
She’s had a rotten haircut. Hilariously, everyone decided to point at it and laugh.
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There’s a saying that says there’s ‘one born every minute’. We reckon this is in relation to simpering, gooey minded dribblers all desperate to have children for absolutely no good reason whatsoever.
Why on Earth would anyone want a child? Look out of your window and every ugly thing you see will be the fault of a human being. So bringing more of our failing species into the world is just a very stupid idea indeed.
And now we’re faced with pop star Pink confirming that she’s pregnant, thereby turning her into some sentimental jackass who can’t stop cooing and tweeting about every single shit she wipes up. Read More >>>
Cementing its reputation as the Year In Which Celebrities Crash To The Floor In Amusing Ways, Pink – you remember Pink, right?
No, not the colour. Yeah, that one. The one you’d forgotten about for the last eight or nine years. The one with the curiously square jaw? Yep, that one. Turns out she’s got a bit of that sweet, sweet gravity action.
So, what has she done to briefly register in your consciousness? Well it turns out she can’t put on a harness properly, that’s about it. Unfortunately, that does rule out all those mucky fantasies you may have had back in the day about her strapping herself into a sex swing while you play some weird solo version of swingball with her trussed body -becomes much less erotic if you know that she’ll almost certainly fall out and launch herself at a set of security barriers, doesn’t it? Having said that, I’m sure that a few of you will now be fantasising about strongly-jawed women being hurled at crash barriers, you sick, sick people you.
Anyway, the video for you to point and laugh at is after the jump!
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Pink's last album might have been called I'm Not Dead, but her marriage certainly is – dead as a flipping doornail.
It's just been reported that Pink and her husband Carey Hart are divorcing after two years of happy, split rumour-filled, years. Although Pink and Carey Hart have said that they're still great friends despite the break-up, it's no surprise that their marriage didn't last on reflection.
After all, it must be hard to be married to a woman who looks like she could quite easily beat you in an arm-wrestling match.
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Brad Pitt is continuing his quest to rebuild New Orleans in his own image – a bit like God did with mankind, only pinker and more bricky.
As part of his $12 million Make It Right campaign to build a series of cheap, sustainable homes to rehouse those affected by Hurricane Katrina, Brad Pitt has been to New Orleans to unveil a whole host of brand new homes that will… wait, that's not what Brad Pitt unveiled at all. In actuality, Brad Pitt unveiled a load of bright pinks blocks to obliquely remind people about the floods. But the houses are coming, honest, and Brad Pitt has pledged $5 million of his own money to build 150 houses by next summer.
Hang on, that's a good thing. This isn't what hecklerspray does. Damn you for not doing more stuff we can mock you for, Brad Pitt. Damn you to hell.
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