Articles tagged with: Piers Morgan
Week 274 of Ameria's Got Talent, and the ten remaining acts audition again, for your votes. Well, either your votes, or else the approval of the goat's entrails which the judges seem to have been relying on these past few weeks to tell them which act gets their discretionary nod. If you, like us, are getting a little tired of this season's judges' decisions - which they apparently make by asking themselves "Which of these acts is worst at delivering the one, simple, specific thing which they claim as their whole reason for being here?" - then take heart! After the jump, we introduce you to the awesomely majestic mighty magnificence which is... the AGT Drinking Game.
Let's not try to pretend it's making anything approaching sense any more. The only way that the decision-making on this season of America's Got Talent could be any screwier is if the producers went into a ward full of pneumonia patients, asked the coughiest one to chub his phlegm up into a paper cup, and then got Paula Abdul to decide which act looked most like the bloody lung-biscuit. Honestly, any more of this and we're going to have to consider Plan B: sticking a photograph of Susan Boyle on the end of a lollipop stick and then holding it in front of the TV as each act performs. That'll calm us down. She's dreamy.
To the despair of Google Image users everywhere, there are several Jordans in the world: The basketball player, the Asian country and the brand of Nike Airs to name just three. However, potential masturbators will be most familiar with the variable-titted cock-holster better known as Katie Price. As promised on Twitter, Katie has been keeping a dignified silence about her divorce with Aussie warbler Peter Andre, breaking it only briefly to swear about him. Which is about as dignified as you can get without talking to Piers Morgan on TV and revealing all - thankfully not literally: one slimy twat is more than enough.
There are some moves people will make to maintain credibility, and there are some moves which end up being quite misinformed. Can you guess which side Katie Price (or "Jordan" if you prefer her hooker name) being interviewed by Piers Morgan (or "Twat" if you prefer his real name) would fall into? But what if we throw in the fact that poor Katie broke down in tears during the interview, making out as if she were the victim to Peter Andre's evil ways? Then it would be secret option three: you're only hurting yourself and my god we wish Piers Morgan would just die.
Will the producers of America's Got Talent be able to find a mad-haired old fat lady, just like the Brits did? The clue is in the question: what with this being America, they'll doubtless be fighting them off with sticks. Of course, America has to do things a bit bigger than anybody else. So we fully expect their version of Susan Boyle to be a 1o00lb monster with hair like a mammoth's pubes, who has to be poured onto the stage from the back of a dump truck. Join us after the jump, when we look at how the show's first week went.
Guest blog! Nik Johnson! Is there anyone who is even faintly impressed by Piers Morgan? Anyone that sees his name and knows that his involvement is going to be a mark of quality? ITV seems to think so, and has thoughtfully brought us Piers Morgan's Life Stories. It's a tabloid TV show in the vein of his tell-all Daily Mirror interviews, where celebrities are invited on to shout their brains (or not in the case of this week's guest, Ulrika Jonsson.)
With the writers' strike still wiping out shows on a daily basis, television will soon rely completely on reality shows - and what's more realistic than a giant crazy-haired windbag jabbing his finger at people who are, at best, only semi-famous?
Basically, what we're saying is thank heavens for Celebrity Apprentice - the all-star version of the Donald Trump bellowing vehicle that's going to single-handedly save all of American television from imploding in on itself. Or at least that's what Celebrity Apprentice would do if, you know, it actually had any celebrities in it. The line-up for Celebrity Apprentice has been announced, and the two biggest names involved are Gene Simmons from obsolete rock band Kiss and Lennox Lewis from the RAC direct insurance adverts, with 12 other nonentities added to make up the numbers.
We hear the Celebrity Apprentice producers wanted to up the show's mean level of celebrity, but the old man who was in one episode of Casualty for three seconds with a broken finger in 1989 was too busy to take part.
