In the UK, the only real battle we have is between “Team Peter” and “Team Katie.” Whilst they’re both like persistant scabs who scar the celebrity landscape, people are genuinely torn between who they prefer. Do you go for the ex-tit model or a bloke who is so fame hungry, that he went back into the “I’m A Celebrity” Jungle of Obscurity?

Over in America, there are loads of couples who frequently split up once they’ve bagged the cash for the wedding tie-in photos or TV special. Ain’t that right Kim Kardashian? Occasionally though, a celeb breakup can be real and quite literally messy as Rihanna found out when human Muppet impersonator Chris Brown splattered her pretty face across the inside of his car with his fists.

Only idiotic “Team Breezy” fans are willing to ignore his bout of domestic violence and his further dickish acts of aggressive behaviour, instead claiming that the Crown Prince of Second Chances deserved a 312th chance. Restraining orders and court visits have passed and lifetime damage has have been done. We’re sure Rihanna will be thrilled to know that Chris Brown will be moving in down the street.

As we know all too well, Chris Brown is one of those rapper types. You know the sort, they parade around wearing clothes that are five sizes too big for them, parade around in music videos with their “bitches”, “hoes” and other gardening equipment all whilse wearing an assortment of bling that looks like tin foil concealing delicious chocolate underneath.

Essentially, rappers like everything on a grand scale. The house he bought would turn Grand Designs presenter Kevin McCloud giddy. We’re informed that:

“Brown purchased the glass-walled, three-bedroom, three-bathroom house for $1,550,000, getting a deal on the home that had been listed at $2,669,000 in 2009. The bachelor pad, designed by Jay Vanos, makes use of chrome and natural light and has an elevator from the garage to the main house.”

It’s the new neighbours of Chris Brown’s that we feel sorry for. Imagine living next door to someone who has a bedroom with a glass wall. The singer isn’t shy on getting his shrivelled up Frankfurter of a penis out, as photos on the internet disturbingly prove. But why is he moving in the first place? Is it out of spite to get back at Rihanna? No, it seems that buck tooth Brown has a problem with the disabled where he currently resides:

“Brown is selling his current West Hollywood home due to parking issues, as all the spots near his home were allocated as handicapped spots and the singer accrued thousands of dollars in parking tickets during his time living in the home.”

God damn those pesky disabled types who won’t let Chris Brown shave thirty seconds off his journey home. We’re just happy that he hasn’t started punching any of his handicapped neighbours to see if they’re telling the truth, or if they’re just benefit cheats. But for those out there who may be worried about poor Rihanna having to live close to her abuser, fear not, it probably won’t be for long. A letting agent blabbed to someone

“Rihanna has already put her Beverly Crest property on the market for a cool $4.5 million.”

Rihanna better move quick mind, with Chris Brown arriving, prices in the neighbourhood will quickly plummet.

Charlotte Church likes a drink. She’s by no means an alcoholic, but she doesn’t half like a night out on the tiles. However, sometimes, you can stick a bit too much booze away and end up making a fool of yourself.

When you’re a celebrity, it isn’t advisable that you get so drunk that you do stupid things because the caring general public are likely to whip out their phones and film you acting the goat.

And in the case of our Charlotte, she’s been allegedly filmed with her underpants around her ankles… and yes… we’ve got a grotty picture of said event.

A new video has emerged, over at The Sun (soon to go 7-days-a-week no doubt after the world hounded the News of the World into a hilarious extinction) which APPARENTLY (we have to say this for legal reasons, especially given that images and articles about this particular story are vanishing from the internet like nobodies business) shows Charlotte Church with her scads halfway down her legs.

The video shows two people getting off with each other against a van… the kind of clinch that leaves you with your pants around your ankles. Brilliantly, Church was then led back to the party without pulling her grundies up.

It’s like being back at the school discos isn’t it? We heartily approve of this behaviour, whoever it is.

A fellow reveller says:

“I couldn’t believe it. She clearly had no shame. The pair started getting amorous like teenagers – until someone came past. She was so drunk she couldn’t even pull her knickers up. She almost fell over.”

How great is that? All celebrities should do things like this. It’s fantastically trashy and low-budget behaviour.

Anyway, here’s a snap of what is thought to be Charlotte Church, wobbling around with her pants down.

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Spring is in the air, those gloomy winter days are behind us for another year and we can look forward to all of the joys that the sunshine brings: flowers blooming, birds singing and, most importantly, BOOBS!

That’s right, it’s the time of year where celebrity clothes disappear at the same rate as clouds.

This week we’ve been treated to many a celebrity disrobing, so we’ll break them down one by one… over the jump you penises.

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey:

Right, none of us actually care about what Nick Cannon’s love gun looks like, so we’re going to focus on his naked missus, Mariah.

Mimi has decided to strip off for various magazine covers (and some of those classy black and white pictures that apparently don’t count as porn) to show off her pregnancy bump, because that’s beautiful or something.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t as convinced, we’d much rather have seen her in the altogether before she was knocked up, but maybe that’s just us.

Kaley Cuoco:

She’s the one from the Big Bang Theory. When we initially heard that there were pictures of some lass from something called the Big Bang Theory with her knickers down we had pictured something completely different.

But we’ll give Kaley top marks for trying anyway, even if the picture was sold to us under false pretences.

Bridget Moynahan:

Her picture in the annual nude issue of Allure magazine (which is also the source of Kaley Couco, Keri Hilson and Ashley Tisdale’s naturist debuts) is lovely, but if we’re honest we have no idea who she is.

According to Wikipedia she’s some sort of model and actress who used to be married to an American football player.

Well… good for her.

Keri Hilson:

This is another picture from the rather grotty looking pile marked nice but of unknown origins. Hilson is an American R&B singer apparently, but we can’t really vouch for that.

All we can tell you is that we’re glad they went with her for this photo shoot and not Adele, because while Adele’s voice is beautiful you have to admit she has a bit of the Beth Ditto thing going on.

Ashley Tisdale:

Ms. Tisdale is the one from High School Musical who no one really paid attention to because Vanessa Hudgens was more attractive and a better actress/singer (which, when you think about it, says a lot more about Tisdale than it should).

Anywho, even though our Ashley looks good with her arse out, we can’t help but feel that this is just a cheap attempt to get as much attention as Vanessa does whenever she releases nude pics of herself.

The problem is that Vanessa is more willing to go down the hardcore route, which doesn’t leave Ashley with much of chance of being glanced at now, does it?

It might be worth mentioning that these are all professionally shot pictures, so there’s no chance of you gawping at nipples or anything naughty in the pictures (unless we’re talking about Vanessa ‘hardcore’ Hudgens), which is most likely the only reason you read this article anyway.

We probably should have put that at the start of the article. Sorry.

Pervert.

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Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series.

Hand model Kimbra Hickey, a woman who we’re sure has made up both her name and her job in order to appear slightly interesting, claims that it’s time she got her 15 minutes of fame from the poorly-written faux-Vampire franchise as it’s her hands that appear on the cover of the first book.

Ms. Hickey admitted that she often carries an apple around with her in hope that by holding said apple people will automatically recognise her hands and lavish her with praise and adoration. They don’t. This could partly be attributed to the fact people’s hands look pretty much the same, but it’s mostly because no one actually cares.

The lack of interest hasn’t stopped out Simba Kimbra though; she’s after a part in the latest Twilight film, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Her hand modelling shows us that she already has about as much acting talent as the incredibly one dimensional Robert Pattinson or the allegedly Vagina-less and jaw-droppingly wooden Kristen Stewart, but as yet she hasn’t heard back from the casting director and we can’t say we’re too surprised.

Hickey’s agent, Danielle Korwin, said that her client’s hands were in demand because they were veinless. Korwin then went on to state that they obviously weren’t the sort of hands a vampire would like. Did you see what she did there? Did you? She’s pretty sharp that one, with wit like that it’s no wonder her client is a worldwide star… wait… she’s not? Oh.

Anywho, until fame appears at her bedroom window one night to come and sweep her away, Kimbra Hickey is going to have to make do with her apparently lucrative hand modelling career and the fact that in a few years time, it’ll be a totally different kind of hand job she’ll have to rely on in order to make ends meet.

Every time a new cast of Skins is announced, people mourn the last lot who they initially slagged off, but eventually ended up furiously masturbating over. So why not cut out all the moaning and crying about how much you’ll miss Simpie, Razzle and Dimpo (or whatever the last lot were called) and just make with the wanking right now?

E4 has announced the names of the new cast members on Skins and, as ever, the two year cull has brought new faces, whittled down from 7,000 hopefuls who auditioned.

Don’t worry. There’s a bigger picture to stare at after the jump.

Skins executive producer John Griffin said: “More people than ever turned up this year for the open auditions in London and Bristol and the standard of young talent was as high as ever. It was a huge process but incredibly rewarding and we hope that the auditionees had as much fun as we did.

“We are really excited about the talent that has come through and we now have a brilliant cast of actors helping to create the exciting new characters for Skins series five.”

And here they all are… stood against a wall. You will certainly see over half of these in their undercrackers at some point. Try and spot the one who will be into doing loads of Ket or something dreary.

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Katy Perry burst onto the popscene with a selection of tracks that were either going to go and die in the needy-outrage bin or, as it transpired, dazzle Ver Kidz by being so gratingly brash and juggernautesque that no-one stood a chance.

Then, something changed. Some stayed rooted in the ‘She Does My Head In’ camp whilst everyone else started to ‘get it’. By getting it, that means a lot of women suddenly started liking her camp ’50s schtick and men liked looking at her rather sociable boobs. Boobs, as it happens, that can fire cream out of them. And then she went and spoiled it all by getting hitched up with a spindly legged Thesaurus.

But fear not flesh fans… Katy Perry’s new album has a lot of skin and a whole lack of Russell Brand (and we have a picture of it over the jump).

Her new album, which just happens to be called ‘Teenage Dream’, features Perry lying down in a cloud of candy floss (or cotton candy if you’re one of those American types).

The frolicking popster lies in the buff looking all pouty.

In a press release that landed in the inbox, Perry says:

“The day I found Will Cotton, I knew I wanted to live in his cinematic cotton candy world. A fantastically art-directed music video and one piece of timeless album artwork later, I can proudly say I am more than a fan.”

Yep, it was Cotton who made her teeth-rotting promotional video for ‘California Gurls.’

Perry’s baps have been getting a fair bit of airtime lately as she nearly got the out for Esquire UK last month. In fairness, she does have an ample bosom which does indeed distract from the daft things she says sometimes.

Anyway, if you’re wondering, ‘Teenage Dream’ will be out next month and most of you will probably steal it from torrent sites. Here’s the wipe-clean artwork you’ll be missing.

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Having seen off the threat of Islamic terrorism with his recent Israel concert, Paul McCartney is now going after the real menace – the Fillet-O-Fish.

Paul McCartney has chosen to summon up all the energy in his wrinkly little body to call on his fans to boycott McDonald’s. Not because of the deforestation caused by the fast food industry’s mass farming practises, though, or McDonald’s aggressive child-centric marketing, or even the potential health risks inherent in a predominantly fast food diet.

No, Paul McCartney wants everyone to boycott McDonald’s because someone put a photo of Paul McCartney up in a Liverpool branch without asking him first. Come back next week, when Paul McCartney tries to ban abortion because he heard that someone who aborted her pregnancy once hummed three notes from Love Me Do for one and a half seconds in a shower on her own in 1975.

People often give John Lennon all the credit for being the political one in The Beatles, but that overlooks a vast portion of Paul McCartney’s oeuvre. Give Ireland Back To The Irish, for example, was a bloodied warcry for the abolition of crappy Irish-themed funpubs. Hi Hi Hi was an impassioned called for the legalisation of Hi-Tec trainers. And Dance Tonight was a thundering commentary on the uneasy political friendship between Pakistan and India, and not a cacky load of bum wanked out on a mandolin in five minutes like you thought.

Lately, though, Paul McCartney has been flexing his political muscles with a little bit more might than usual. He invoked the wrath of fundamental Islam by playing a concert in Israel recently and, what’s more, he was slightly rude about Gordon Ramsay in a supermarket magazine, too. Paul McCartney has got the fire back in his belly, that’s for sure.

And now Paul McCartney has picked his next target – McDonald’s. As a devout vegetarian, Paul McCartney has long since spoken of the environmental cost of humanity’s passion for meat, but that’s not why he’s angry at McDonald’s. Nor is it because the meagre vegetarian options on sale at McDonald’s all taste like slurry.

No, Paul McCartney has decided to go after McDonald’s because one branch in Liverpool has a picture of him in it. The bastards. Paul McCartney’s serious, too – he wants all his fans to boycott the restaurants, as The Telegraph reports:

The singer was said to be furious after discovering pictures of the Beatles had been placed prominently in a restaurant in his home town. A spokesman for Sir Paul said: “What sort of morons do McDonald’s think Beatles’ fans are. It’s ridiculous and insulting to use images to peddle hamburgers. Fans should boycott Mcdonald’s, and not just in Liverpool.”

It’s good that the spokesman managed to say “Beatles’ fans” and not “fans of Paul McCartney’s solo work,” isn’t it, because that’s the difference between a large percentage of the world’s population and a couple of old ladies with bad hearing who drink at Starbucks more often than they probably should. That would have probably been quite a crappy boycott, to be honest.

Anyway, we think that McDonald’s branches having pictures of their towns’ favourite sons is a brilliant idea – because that way people in Birmingham could eat their burgers under big pictures of UB40, residents of Brentwood could order their Egg McMuffins next to pictures of Chantelle from Big Brother and everyone in Nottingham could utilise the McDonald’s free wifi facility with several giant portraits of Dr Harold Shipman looming at them from every surface.

But still, we should probably do what Paul McCartney says and boycott McDonald’s. Otherwise he might try and kiss us, and that’d be like kissing your granny. Bleurgh.

Well its always been a matter of time. Britney Spears has pictures of Paris Hilton without her fake eye, and is demanding Hilton be her full-term surrogate mother before those photos are destroyed.

Paris Hilton’s gaping socket is said to be greasy, black and chock full of dead-end veins. Britney Spears is said to have gotten the pic while Hilton chased her eye-chewing purse-dog around a sticky coffee table. 

We’re just kidding of course. Hilton doesn’t have a glass eye, she’s got a crooked one – its still attached to head muscles and everything.

Even if she did have a glass eye we’re sure Spears wouldn’t be cruel enough to hold it over her. Brits would, however, be cruel enough to threaten the socialite with incriminating lesbian pics recently captured on film.  

Oh, she’d do that alright.

If recent rumors are to be believed, Britney Spears is currently blackmailing Paris Hilton. And what does Spears hope is the end result of said blackmailing? Well its not the surrogate mother thing like we said – although if it ever is we sure hope to be the ones to break that news. Should that ever be the case we already have the perfect headline – Britney Spears Wants Paris Hilton To Be Her Surrogate Mother. That would look mighty good at the top of the page, wouldn’t it? But it doesn’t matter because today nobody’s pregnant with anything yet. But we’re waiting.  

Our story today is juicy enough though, because it’s said to include a Spears/Hilton lesbian blackmail plot. The two were hanging out on Spears’ 26 birthday when the friendship went sour. During the party a picture was supposedly snapped of Hilton making out with a chick. According to a mysterious source:

"Britney and her pals wrote to Paris and told her they are hearing rumours of a new sex-tape scandal. The letter also claims the tape shows footage of Paris locking lips with one of Britney's female friends at a party. It warns Paris that if she continues being rude to people, the footage will be leaked online." 

What we’d like to know is this: Is this the first time Britney Spears has blackmailed Hilton? All of the sudden maybe Hilton’s Rwanda pullout makes a touch more sense. So does her flip-flopping on her drunken elephant stance and sending her boyfriend off to marry Pamela Anderson.

It also clears up why Hilton would make all those complete seasons of the Simple Life and how she was almost forced into a plotless cartoon.

We could keep going, you know. For a very long time. 

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Britney Spears' Paris Threat – Female First