Paul McCartney has chosen to summon up all the energy in his wrinkly little body to call on his fans to boycott McDonald’s. Not because of the deforestation caused by the fast food industry’s mass farming practises, though, or McDonald’s aggressive child-centric marketing, or even the potential health risks inherent in a predominantly fast food diet.

No, Paul McCartney wants everyone to boycott McDonald’s because someone put a photo of Paul McCartney up in a Liverpool branch without asking him first. Come back next week, when Paul McCartney tries to ban abortion because he heard that someone who aborted her pregnancy once hummed three notes from Love Me Do for one and a half seconds in a shower on her own in 1975.

People often give John Lennon all the credit for being the political one in The Beatles, but that overlooks a vast portion of Paul McCartney’s oeuvre. Give Ireland Back To The Irish, for example, was a bloodied warcry for the abolition of crappy Irish-themed funpubs. Hi Hi Hi was an impassioned called for the legalisation of Hi-Tec trainers. And Dance Tonight was a thundering commentary on the uneasy political friendship between Pakistan and India, and not a cacky load of bum wanked out on a mandolin in five minutes like you thought.

Lately, though, Paul McCartney has been flexing his political muscles with a little bit more might than usual. He invoked the wrath of fundamental Islam by playing a concert in Israel recently and, what’s more, he was slightly rude about Gordon Ramsay in a supermarket magazine, too. Paul McCartney has got the fire back in his belly, that’s for sure.

And now Paul McCartney has picked his next target – McDonald’s. As a devout vegetarian, Paul McCartney has long since spoken of the environmental cost of humanity’s passion for meat, but that’s not why he’s angry at McDonald’s. Nor is it because the meagre vegetarian options on sale at McDonald’s all taste like slurry.

No, Paul McCartney has decided to go after McDonald’s because one branch in Liverpool has a picture of him in it. The bastards. Paul McCartney’s serious, too – he wants all his fans to boycott the restaurants, as The Telegraph reports:

The singer was said to be furious after discovering pictures of the Beatles had been placed prominently in a restaurant in his home town. A spokesman for Sir Paul said: “What sort of morons do McDonald’s think Beatles’ fans are. It’s ridiculous and insulting to use images to peddle hamburgers. Fans should boycott Mcdonald’s, and not just in Liverpool.”

It’s good that the spokesman managed to say “Beatles’ fans” and not “fans of Paul McCartney’s solo work,” isn’t it, because that’s the difference between a large percentage of the world’s population and a couple of old ladies with bad hearing who drink at Starbucks more often than they probably should. That would have probably been quite a crappy boycott, to be honest.

Anyway, we think that McDonald’s branches having pictures of their towns’ favourite sons is a brilliant idea – because that way people in Birmingham could eat their burgers under big pictures of UB40, residents of Brentwood could order their Egg McMuffins next to pictures of Chantelle from Big Brother and everyone in Nottingham could utilise the McDonald’s free wifi facility with several giant portraits of Dr Harold Shipman looming at them from every surface.

But still, we should probably do what Paul McCartney says and boycott McDonald’s. Otherwise he might try and kiss us, and that’d be like kissing your granny. Bleurgh.

Paris Hilton’s gaping socket is said to be greasy, black and chock full of dead-end veins. Britney Spears is said to have gotten the pic while Hilton chased her eye-chewing purse-dog around a sticky coffee table. 

We’re just kidding of course. Hilton doesn’t have a glass eye, she’s got a crooked one – its still attached to head muscles and everything.

Even if she did have a glass eye we’re sure Spears wouldn’t be cruel enough to hold it over her. Brits would, however, be cruel enough to threaten the socialite with incriminating lesbian pics recently captured on film.  

Oh, she’d do that alright.

If recent rumors are to be believed, Britney Spears is currently blackmailing Paris Hilton. And what does Spears hope is the end result of said blackmailing? Well its not the surrogate mother thing like we said – although if it ever is we sure hope to be the ones to break that news. Should that ever be the case we already have the perfect headline – Britney Spears Wants Paris Hilton To Be Her Surrogate Mother. That would look mighty good at the top of the page, wouldn’t it? But it doesn’t matter because today nobody’s pregnant with anything yet. But we’re waiting.  

Our story today is juicy enough though, because it’s said to include a Spears/Hilton lesbian blackmail plot. The two were hanging out on Spears’ 26 birthday when the friendship went sour. During the party a picture was supposedly snapped of Hilton making out with a chick. According to a mysterious source:

"Britney and her pals wrote to Paris and told her they are hearing rumours of a new sex-tape scandal. The letter also claims the tape shows footage of Paris locking lips with one of Britney's female friends at a party. It warns Paris that if she continues being rude to people, the footage will be leaked online." 

What we’d like to know is this: Is this the first time Britney Spears has blackmailed Hilton? All of the sudden maybe Hilton’s Rwanda pullout makes a touch more sense. So does her flip-flopping on her drunken elephant stance and sending her boyfriend off to marry Pamela Anderson.

It also clears up why Hilton would make all those complete seasons of the Simple Life and how she was almost forced into a plotless cartoon.

We could keep going, you know. For a very long time. 

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Britney Spears' Paris Threat – Female First