Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
You all remember Kim Kardashian, right? She’s the business woman and entrepreneur who is also the star of her own reality television series with her whole family. She’s worth a bit of cash is Kim but, in keeping with the American dream, vacuous idiots can always have more.
Is Kim Kardashian a vacuous idiot? IS SHE? WE ASKED IF YOU THOUGHT KIMMY K WAS A BLITHERING NINCOMPOOP?
No, of course she isn’t. Why?
Even though she’s got a body like the underside of a giant tortoise’s varnished stomach, Jodie Marsh is very happy with her new bodybuilder look. Very happy. Very, very happy.
In fact, Jodie ‘Oh Jesus Christ, It’s Like The Cuprinol Man Came To Life!’ Marsh is saying… with a completely straight face… that she’s feeling more attractive than ever.
Yes really.
That Amanda Knox lass and her apparently non murdering ways have grabbed all the headlines this week. Which is a shame as this whole murder in Perugia fiasco has completely overshadowed the return of Jodie Marsh.
Some new photos of Jodie, the suspected inspiration for BBC 3 smash Snog, Marry, Avoid, have surfaced that show the former glam? OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!
Seriously. Click over the jump for the fright of your life.
Chances are, you’re a human. Or thereabouts. If that’s the case, then there’s a very strong chance that you find Scarlett Johansson sexually attractive.
If that happens to be true, then you’ll be thrilled to learn that pictures which appear to contain the Hollywood star with no clothes on, have emerged online.
Yes. They’re over the jump and they’re no exactly safe to be viewed at work, okay?
Of late, pop music seems to have left Britney Spears behind. She’s looking slow, old and lacking in the vitality that once made her so much fun to have around. A string of disastrous romances, leaked druggy-looking videos and court cases have left Britney wobbling around with the grace of a mop bucket.
And so, even though her last two singles have been pretty decent dancefloor fodder, there’s still that magic missing from previous years.
So, to make her tour fun, vital and action packed, she’s reportedly hiring Nicki Minaj to be her opening act, which should liven things up before Spears appears on-stage looking like a tired boxer.
Rihanna is amazing in every single way. Just deal with it. We’ve tried to think of negatives concerning her, but ultimately, can’t. And she’s teamed up with the cartoon doodle of a human, Nicki Minaj.
You know Nicki Minaj, right? She’s the one who looks a bit like a blow-up doll, as imagined by a Manga animator who has been having wet-dreams after watching Barbarella.
Well, the two have teamed-up, in what must be some people’s ideal hook-up (musically, sexually, whatever) and of course, some people’s idea of pure, undiluted hell. Either way, they’re both tag-teaming, grabbing each other’s arses which, of course, is set to save the world. No, seriously.
Right, whichever one of you wrote to Santa asking to see what Amy Winehouse’s boobs look like, you’ve got detention for a month.
Thanks to you, someone’s taken a load of photos of Amy Winehouse topless on holiday and spread them across the internet like some sort of obscene dirty protest.
However, the good news is that Amy Winehouse looks less like the emaciated hollow-eyed wreck we’ve all seen in the papers for the last 18 months and more like an actual human. The bad news is that they’re pictures of Amy Winehouse topless. How much worse do you want? Jesus.
Everyone wants to see Bronx Mowgli Wentz – because if the face matches the name then that’s one ugly baby.
But cool your jets, world. Pete Wentz doesn’t roll like those other celebrity idiots. True, he does roll like those other celebrity idiots in that he’s got a stupid haircut, a humiliatingly-named baby and he married one of the Simpson girls without really thinking it through first, but Pete Wentz definitely isn’t selling his baby photos to a magazine.
Bronx Mowgli’s just too precious for that. Plus it’ll mean that now Pete’ll make a crapload from selling the reality TV show rights. A crapload.
You know the 2009 Campari calender, the one where Jessica Alba pouts and struts like the sexiest little Greek boy alive?
You know how your first instinct upon seeing the pictures – after wondering why Will Weaton had done such a sexually ambiguous photoshoot – was to marvel at Jessica Alba’s body and swear that if you ever had kids you’d sexily malnourish them too?
Well, relax – some before-and-after photos have appeared on the internet, showing that Jessica Alba was so heavily airbrushed for the shots that we suspect the original model was actually an overweight stubbly bloke in his fifties from Dagenham.
If you’re named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, it’s a given that you’ll end up either in therapy or buying a great big bag of guns.
Both outcomes are hideously expensive – any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you’d rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense – so it’s just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune.
According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It’s up to them.
