And if you went to the reunion concert, at some point you more than likely woke up in the trunk of a car next to a spare tire and several bloodied police batons. Had you your senses about you, you’d have noticed there were 193 other unconscious people crammed in there with you – all of them wearing rainbowy shirts.

That’s because local police really cracked down at the show – enough so to confiscate over $1,000,000 in illegal drugs, among other things.

If for some reason you decided to attend the recent Hampton, VA Phish concert dressed like a giant doobie – heaven help you. Not only would your lame, all-day joke be hotter and sweatier than you ever imagined, but you’d have a devil of a time fitting into the typical port-a-johns as well.

Not so funny now, is it? Not with urine on your legs it isn’t! Your experience would get even worse. Imagine it – there you are gaily playing hacky sack with all of your unshaven, dreadlocked, itchy friends – and you’re having the game of your life. The sack’s been passed to you three times and you haven’t even had to apologise to anybody yet – when suddenly you get tackled and dragged off by your big fuzzy yellow boots.

You don’t know where you’re going yet – and you’re scared. The next thing you know you’re getting shaken upside down by three men in blue cop uniforms. Everything falls out of your pockets – including all your weed, your pot, your dope, your grass, your reefer, your herb, your Mary Jane, your Aunt Mary, your gangster, your boom, your ganja, your skunk, your kif, your buds, your nuggets, your blaze, your whacky tobaccy, your hay, your rope, your stinkweed – and worst of all – your pocket picture of the blessed Mother Theresa who watches over you while you sleep.

And you know what happens next – the cops take it all from you. No, really they do. As the Washington Post so delicately explains things:

“Police said Monday they confiscated about $1.2 million in illegal drugs and more than $68,000 in cash from concertgoers. Authorities also arrested 194 Phish fans during the three-night celebration of the band’s return to the stage after a nearly five-year absence. Most of the arrests were for drug possession, use and distribution, police said.”

The cops sure saw them coming, eh? And do you know where that confiscated money will go? Probably to police cruisers or something. And do you know where the drugs will go? Probably also to police cruisers once its been properly sold and what not.

Ah, who are we kidding? That would be completely unethical. Although the local police force couldn’t in good conscience sell drugs to raise patrol car money, they probably could shape some of the moistened cocaine into something fast with wheels.

Now just imagine seeing that flashing in the rear view.

We know – terrifying.

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You are? Well have we got some good news for you! Phish – the defunct jam-band predominantly famous for a) having some ice cream named after it and b) totally soundtracking that epic hacky sack marathon you and your buddies had in your parent’s backyard one afternoon back when you were 28 – are reuniting.

Phish have announced three special comeback dates in Virginia for next March, their first since disbanding in 2004. We’ll definitely be attending the Phish reunion shows – it’s been too long since we last caught beard nits off a hippy after stumbling into the middle of a drearily self-satisfied drum circle in the carpark of an old WWF arena.

Rolling Stone once called Phish ‘one of the most important bands of the Nineties’ – recognition that puts them right up there with Kula Shaker, Sugar Ray and the band that did the theme tune to Friends.

But it’s easy to see why Phish received a title like that – more than most bands, Phish flourished because of the community behind them. Their meandering, overlong, improvised jazz fusion jam workouts were simply a soundtrack to huge open-air festivals where friends could meet, play frisbee, get ripped to the tits on stolen cough medicine and twirl around like cocks in a spirit of universal brotherhood.

So it was a bittersweet day when Phish announced that they were splitting up in 2004. True, it meant that you’d never get to see a group of millionaires in their forties play 20 songs in a row that all seem to sound exactly like the one that directly preceded it in a disused airbase any more, but at least the spirit of Phish would live on in that delicious Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavour and the crappy rave scene from The Matrix Reloaded.

Until now. Because now, you see, Phish are back. According to The LA Times:

The Vermont-based jam band, will reunite for shows March 6-8 in Hampton, Va., and is expected to announce additional performances for 2009. Rumors of a reunion have been heating up since… three of the four Phish members played together in July at the Rothbury Festival in Michigan. All four showed up last month and played at the wedding of their road manager Brad Sands.

Phish played at a wedding? We’re not sure how we feel about that. On one hand it’d probably be quite fun to see all your elderly relatives get so overwhelmed by the band’s elaborate jazz-rock grooves that they end up buying a bunch of laughing gas balloons from a hippy in the corner. But on the other hand The Squirming Coil isn’t exactly Agadoo, is it?

But still, we’re genuinely pleased that Phish are getting back together – and more pleased that their first shows aren’t until March. Because that’ll give you plenty of time to ditch your job at the law firm and dedicate your life to getting your beard long enough to put elastic bands in again. It’ll be fun.