Another week, another loosely adhered to theme for Dancing on Ice. This week the theme was “Pop”, although really it should’ve been “Katarina Disagrees”. But that wouldn’t have fitted in so well with One Direction’s appearance, so pop it was.

Some teenage boys with suits and sideways hair weren’t going to stop Katarina, though. She has monumental cleavage AND Olympic medals. Nothing’s getting in her way.

Not even fellow Olympian Chemmy Alcott, who Katarina infamously called “big” a few weeks back, before begging her not to ever do any lifts ever again. Chemmy wasn’t having any of it though, and decided to do a handstand on her partner’s leg. Queen Katarina tried to pretend that she only wanted to keep Chemmy safe for the next Olympics. Nobody believed her.

Unlike Rosemary, who everyone believes all the time, bcause she’s lovely. Which is why the evil overlords of ITV decided that she had to be tipped upside down and spun round in circles until she was nearly sick all over the ice. Katarina loved it and gave her a seven. Everyone else was deeply, deeply indifferent.

As they were when Jennifer Ellison took to the ice. According to her VT, she needed to “go for it”, which is becoming such a recurring theme that we expect it will soon be given its own show. What Jennifer went for this week was some seriously unfortunate hair, supposedly because she was skating to ‘Vogue’. Really, we think the stylist just hates her.

Still, at least Jennifer can take comfort in the fact that the stylist hates Sam more. He was given a very, very dodgy blonde wig and made to skate to Wham. Which was presumably punishment for dropping his partner repeatedly in practice. Or for forcing everyone to see him in bed, as he did at start of his routine. It’s one or the other.

Despite his best efforts to traumatise the entire country, Sam still lost out on his attempt to become “Most Disturbing Person on Dacing on Ice”. Because Chico and Heidi were there.

Heidi skated to the caterwauling wreck that is Jessie J, and decided to pay homage through her wardrobe. Which was a catsuit. With spangles. On the vadge. Again.

Chico said the word “fluidity” and then donned a skin-tight silver t-shirt, leaving the entire country feeling more queasy than Rosemary after her upside-down-vom-spin. Robin told Chico to “keep something for himself”. We assume he meant the t-shirt. Please, please, make Chico keep that t-shirt for himself.

Whilst the midfield were battling their wardrobes, Jorgi and Matt were continuing their ice dance war. Except that it was a bit one-sided this week, because while Jorgi was skating around in a paedophile’s dream of a school uniform and getting top scores, Matt had ruined his back a bit.

Not really ruined, you understand. Just ruined enough to make him miss two days of training and struggle a bit with the sexual assault that is the sit lift. Robin and Louie thought he pulled it off. Katarina, shockingly, disagreed. She gave him 6.5 and a shake of her shoulder pads.

And then she ruined all of her credibility.

It all started when Andy came out and did a weird stomping dance to the Proclaimers. We were expecting Katarina and her bosom to point out that it was an awkward crock of dung, but instead she tried to tell everyone that it was entertaining. The lying bitch.

And she didn’t even try and stop Robin and Louie from throwing endless clichés at Sebastian. Apparently, he is on a journey, and has a lot to offer, and various other inane and predictable things. We were mostly just annoyed with him for trying a strange new jump and not falling over.

Also trying very, very hard not to fall over was Charlene, who was given a fast routine and a Lady Gaga outfit, which she then used to terrify everyone. It turns out that Charlene can do the splits. So she did. In the air. With her ladybits pointing at the camera. It was part of her attempt to ditch her status as the “skate-off queen” and get straight through to next week.

It didn’t work.  At all. Not even a little bit. Because she didn’t just end up in the skate off with Sam, she got booted off the show. So now we know; when middle-aged women flash their lycra-clad bits at you, bad things happen.

Now can someone please tell Madonna?

We’ve finally reached the end of our interminable search to find Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning.

What does that mean? It means that in a few weeks’ time, one of the contenders who we’ve profiled will definitely become the new host of This Morning. Unless someone else does. Or Philip Schofield decides to go it alone. Or the entire ITV building topples over and falls into the river. Either way, it won’t affect your life in the slightest so it doesn’t really matter.

Here, then, is the This Morning rundown for Davina McCall…

Davina McCall – Davina McCall is, without a shadow of a doubt, the far and away favourite to end up co-hosting This Morning with Philip Schofield. And the timing couldn’t be better – Big Brother is due to stutter to a close in the next year or so, and when it’s gone that’d just leave Davina with berserk, schizophrenic hair adverts to tide her over. Plus, one of Davina McCall’s first presenting jobs was on This Morning, so in a way it’d be like she was coming home. You know, like a salmon returning home. Right before it dies. The only thing that possibly stands between Davina McCall and the This Morning job is the sensation that watching a woman shout ill-judged questions at startled idiots first thing in the morning might be a bit of a turn-off, no matter how hard Jeremy Kyle has worked to prepare viewers for that beforehand.

Tomorrow: BIG BROTHER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

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Here we are again, churning out possible This Morning replacements for Fern Britton like our lives depended on it. Which they don’t.

Don’t worry, though. This won’t last forever. This time next week, in fact, we’ll be bombarding you with Big Brother profiles and rundowns. And that’s better, isn’t it? Or worse. But definitely one of those two things. Unless it’s exactly the same. Let’s face it, it’ll be exactly the same.

Anyway, will Emma Forbes be the new This Morning host? Let’s jolly well find out, shall we?

Emma Forbes – Wouldn’t it be nice if Emma Forbes became the new co-host of This Morning? After all, she’s worked with Philip Schofield a number of times in the past, most notably on that Saturday morning kid’s show of theirs. And then, once This Morning is presented by Philip Schofield and Emma Forbes, they can then bring in Trevor And Bloody Simon as gardening experts, can’t they? And then have Shane Richie present a wacky gameshow segment in the middle. And have endless worthy phone-in discussions about acne with sad teenage girls from Bromsgrove. And Five Star can be on it too! And it’ll be great, won’t it? It’ll be lots of fun! You tedious, tedious bellends. Stop it. Stop it now.

Tomorrow: Coleen Nolan!

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Look, OK, we KNOW. We know our organisational skills are bad. We thought Big Brother started this week. It doesn’t.

Big Brother starts next week. And that’s left us with a gap to fill each morning. So, like anyone with any common sense would, we’ve decided to dedicate these next few 10am slots to discovering who’ll replace Fern Britton as the female host of This Morning. Try not to get too excited.

Anyway, we’re kicking things off with Kerry Katona, so that’s something at least…

Kerry Katona – There’s one very simple reason why Kerry Katona won’t take over Fern Britton’s job on This Morning. No, it’s not because her wayward behaviour would throw the show into catastrophe day after day. And it’s not because the sight of a human car-crash bawling “IYMA TWENNYATEYEEROLE WOMMA!” again and again during an item on cervical smears would put the old people off their elevenses. It’s not even because Kerry Katona hates Philip Schofield and refuses to talk to him. No, it’s because if Kerry Katona presented This Morning, then the studio would be full of the This Morning camera crew, the MTV camera crew filming Kerry Katona being filmed by the This Morning camera crew, and the paparazzi taking pictures of the MTV camera crew filming Kerry Katona being filmed by the This Morning camera crew. Logistically, it’d be a nightmare.

Tomorrow: Ulrika Jonsson. Steady yourselves.

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In the latest of our seemingly endless supply of celebrities on Twitter, this week we focus on TV ‘personalities’.

Yes, as if dominating our television sets was not enough for some actors and presenters – you can now read their private thoughts on Twitter.

So what earth-shattering insights have we discovered about the inhabitants of TV land? Now, we realise this is rather a sweeping statement – but from what we can tell, TV stars spend half of their time eating and the other half talking about it.

They (or their ‘people’), also spend a lot of time mentioning their new shows, which we suppose is to be expected.

But we have tried to cut the wheat from the chaff and only include TV stars who update regularly and who actually have something interesting to say. You may disagree – you usually do. But feel free to send us some we missed.

We have also added a few celebrity Twits who are to be avoided at all cost. This could be for a variety of reasons, but it’s mainly because they never use their accounts, they only use it to plug their own shows or basically because they are about as interesting as dog sick. Enjoy!

32. David Silverman
Simpsons Animator and director
http://twitter.com/tubatron
Typical tweet: “Now that I’ve lost so much on the stock market, it pains me that I didn’t spend money frivolously instead.”

31. Graham Norton
Annoying noise
http://twitter.com/GrahamNorton
Typical tweet: “Sleep now, feet hurt, too much time in high heels!”

30. Brooke Hogan
Errr, on TV sometimes
http://twitter.com/BrookeHogan
Typical tweet: “Just sick of all the comments about me looking like a man.”

29. John Cabrera
TV actor
http://twitter.com/johncabrera
Typical tweet: “Great night. But man am I tired. I still have to watch the new PG Porn and update my latest post about it.”

28. Tim Lovejoy

Smug TV presenter
http://twitter.com/timlovejoy
Typical tweet: “The Dalai Lama is on dodgy ground with his sayings of the day! Is that all he’s got in his locker? Who does he think is gonna win the Prem?”

27. Dawn Porter
TV journalist, documentary maker and food-obsessed Twitterer
http://twitter.com/hotpatootie
Typical tweet: “Had the best steak of my life last night. a porterhouse. HUGE. with fries and broccoli…I have the remains of it in the fridge…YUMMIES!

26. Richard Bacon
Occasional TV presenter
http://twitter.com/richardpbacon
Typical tweet: “I saw a man wearing a miniature top hat at a jaunty angle. Show’s over. Great. Another level of beauty and another level of eccentricity.”

25. Rainn Wilson

Dwight Schrute from The Office
http://twitter.com/rainnwilson
Typical tweet: “It’s impossible for mermaids to have vaginas.”

24. Fearne Cotton
UK Presenter
http://twitter.com/fearnecotton
Typical tweet: “I would wee a bit if I met Brad and Ang together! They’re all perfect and shiny!”

23. Amber Benson
Tara in Buffy
http://twitter.com/amber_benson
Typical tweet: “Free bar at the wedding would be lovely. One drink and I’ll be on my ass…or making an ass of myself. Either ass works.”

22. Philip Schofield
TV presenter and silver fox
http://twitter.com/Schofe
Typical tweet: “Meeting now about curtain poles! Wish we’d never started re-decorating! Please be quiet and they won’t know I’m here!!!”

21. Janina Gavankar
The L Word actress
http://twitter.com/janinaz
Typical tweet: “I think my brain has splintered.”

20. James Kyson Lee

Ando in Heroes
http://twitter.com/jameskysonlee
Typical tweet: “During lunch, I take Mr. Muggles for walks… then we get hit on by all the chihuahuas on the street.”

19. Graham Linehan
Sitcom writer behind Father Ted, Black Books and The IT Crowd
http://twitter.com/Glinner
Typical tweet: “Brandon Flowers and Chris Martin should have a duel.”

18. David Hewlett
Dr. Rodney McKay in Stargate Atlantis
http://twitter.com/dhewlett
Typical tweet: “They’re loading the automatic shotguns…but I’m about to be wrapped…I’ve got to say…sometimes it sucks to be the nerd!”

17. Brea Grant

The fast one in Heroes
http://twitter.com/breagrant
Typical tweet: “Iced green tea is the reason I wake up in the morning.”

16. Mischa Barton
OC actress
http://twitter.com/MischaBarton
Typical tweet: “I dropped my bag and all my make-up is shattered .”

15. George Takei
Star Trek legend
http://twitter.com/georgetakei
Typical tweet: “Who else is getting excited about the new Star Trek movie coming out?”

14. Rick Sanchez
American TV news anchor
http://twitter.com/ricksanchezcnn
Typical tweet: “Going on the air at CNN Espanol, doing A-Rod. Shouldn’t he just say baseball all but told me to do it?”

13. Rob Brydon
Welsh comic
http://twitter.com/RealRobBrydon
Typical tweet: “Almost ten hours of sleep, a modern day personal best!”

12. Robert Llewellyn
Kryton from Red Dwarf
http://www.twitter.com/bobbyllew
Typical tweet: “Okay tweeters, I’m back in rubber tomorrow, better get a bit of close down, insert re-charge socket re-boot in the morning.”

11. John Lithgow
Actor and namedropper
http://twitter.com/John_Lithgow
Typical tweet: “Stared at a blank screen for 3 hrs this morning. 3 hrs! This writing is pure hell.”

10. Alex Albrecht
American television personality, actor and podcaster.
http://twitter.com/alexalbrecht
Typical tweet: “Getting ready for some rainy day World of Warcraft… you know with my friends, so I’m not a total shut-in .”

9. William Shatner

Legend
http://twitter.com/WilliamShatner
Typical tweet: “Ricardo Montalban was a wonderful man. I saw him on Broadway. I was entertained by his movies. I loved working with him on the film we made.”

8. David Lawrence
Played puppetmaster Eric Doyle on Heroes.
http://twitter.com/dhlawrencexvii
Typical tweet: “Why do people’s twitpics of what they’re currently eating remind me of liposuction surgery documentaries on The Discovery Channel? Lighting?”

7. Felicia Day
Buffy actress and rising star of Twitter
http://twitter.com/feliciaday
Typical tweet: “General note: If your avatar picture is Hitler, chances are I’m not gonna accept your friend request on ANY social network, LOL.”

6. Hugh Lawrie
TV actor
http://twitter.com/hughlaurie
Typical tweet: “There simply must be legislation against this kind of overtime.”

5. Greg Grunberg
Matt Parkman – the one who can read minds in Heroes. Eric Weiss in Alias.
http://twitter.com/greggrunberg
Typical tweet: There is nothing “sexier” than kissing a chick that tastes like an ashtray. Smoking is the WORST!!!!!!!”

4. Wil Wheaton
Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: the Next Generation.
http://twitter.com/wilw
Typical tweet: “Watching a squirrel bury, dig up, and rebury acorns in my yard makes me happy. Keep going, Mr. Squirrel. You’ve got the heart of a champion.”

3. Brent Spiner
Data from Star Trek
http://twitter.com/brentspiner
Typical tweet: “What do Brando, Cary Grant and Brent Spiner have in common? Answer: All one degree from Eva Marie Saint…and that’s about all.”

2. Jonathan Ross
Presenter and former Fawlty Towers actor-tormentor
http://twitter.com/wossy
Typical tweet: “Have finally decided that when I die I would like to come back as a mountain bear. Thank you.”

1. LeVar Burton
The guy with the funny glasses in Star Trek: Next Generation
http://twitter.com/levarburton
Typical tweet: “Oh yeah. Eight days as a non-smoker and loving it! Keep breathing.”

Ones to avoid

1. Bob Vila
Home improvement TV host
http://twitter.com/bobvilacom
Typical tweet: “Quick tip – when shovelling snow, you can spray the shovel end with a lubricant, such as Pam cooking spray, to help snow slide off easier.”

2. JJ Abrams
TV producer, writer and crap Twitterer
http://twitter.com/JJ_Abrams
Typical tweet: “I totally forgot about Twitter. I know I am not regular on here but really don’t have time for computers… errr or anything.”

3. Andi Peters
UK TV presenter – sort of
http://twitter.com/xxandip
Typical tweet: “The curry was great. I love cooking, tonight I’ll have my fave meal…fish fingers!!”

4. Brooke Burke
Winner of Dancing With the Stars (7th Season)
http://twitter.com/brookeburke
Typical tweet: “Listening to David play backgammon. Thinking about taking a yoga class today. I need it!”

5. Sophia Bush
One Tree Hill actress
http://twitter.com/SophiaBush
Typical tweet: No idea, she’s restricted access

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