At hecklerspray, there are few things we hate more than watching television. It’s so irritating isn’t it? With its loud, garish programmes invariably starring some Northern “comic” trying to rehash the glory days when you could watch someone win a microwave on Bullseye and be genuinely delighted for them.
TV will never change. It will always be either shouting things at you like the Apprentice’s “YOU’LL NEVER BE AS SUCCESSFUL AS THIS LOT” or subtly trying to make you change the way you think.
It’s not TV’s fault as in, it’s not the box in the corner of your living room’s fault that it does this. The world is all about shouting at people and forcing them into making decisions. Companies and governments lie, cheat and deceive you on a daily basis in the interest of adding a few more zeroes to the end of their bonus cheques. By now, you’re probably thinking about what you’re going to do with that rancid chicken breast that you bought from the supermarket the other day while somewhere, a bankrupt butcher sobs into a sirloin steak and goes to work for Morrisons.
In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Phil Collins showed that music isn’t exactly his primary passion. His big love is the Alamo and he’s got rooms and rooms filled with old army tat, which he probably dresses up in, silently crying and trying to figure out why everyone hates him so.
Of course, Phil isn’t an evil man at all, as shown when he bravely spoke out against child abuse with the hugely successful ‘Nonce Sense’ campaign, also backed by such luminaries as Gary Lineker and Dr Fox.
And so, with such a busy life, Collins has decided to quit the music industry, leaving everyone to consider a long bleak future which contains absolutely zero releases of Motown covers by a tiny bald man with hearing difficulties.
Of course he doesn’t. That would be quite interesting. And Phil Collins is not interesting. He used to front Genesis. GENESIS.
In fact, if we were to stage a ‘World’s Most Crushingly Uninteresting Man’ competition do you know what place he’d come? Do you? ‘First?’ you say? No. SECOND. Do you know why? Because he’s so CRUSHINGLY UNINTERESTING.
The man who provided the soundtrack to Disney movie Brother Bear (no, no-one else has either) recently revealed to the staggeringly tedious Q magazine that “I get sent a script from HBO. There was a Russian serial killer who killed and cannibalised 50-odd kids. As soon as I got the script, I thought, ‘I’ve got to play this guy!’”
The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame is, as everyone knows, a hallowed place reserved only for those who rock the hardest.
You know, like Abba. And Genesis. Those cats are responsible for more melted speakers and blown minds than you could ever hope to count. Why, remember the time when Phil Collins bit the head off a Yorkshire terrier during the second chorus of I Can’t Dance onstage that time? Or when the beardy one out of Abba broke away from the middle eight of Dancing Queen to carve the word ‘HATE’ into his bare chest with a broken jam jar?
That’s why both Genesis and Abba will be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame next year. And that’s why KISS won’t be, the cat-faced bellends.
When you advertise something, you normally put the product in a situation where it looks like the best thing in the world. When selling a car, it’ll normally be tagged as the best because it’s the fastest or most eco-friendly or most full of pointless gadgetry.
With food products, the adverts will usually end with a fat child licking one of their seven chins and giving the thumbs up to the camera. Cadbury’s has decided not to do this. Instead, they’ve dedicated 90 seconds to a man in a gorilla suit who drums along to a Phil Collins song. What connects a gorilla, Phil Collins and a bar of chocolate is beyond us. A year on, we still don’t get it.
Did Phil Collins control a gorilla army to make bars of chocolate? We bloody hope not – the health and safety people will be all over them. The only person winning in all of this is the irritating baldy drummer Phil Collins himself. Every time that advert got shown, he got paid. He’ll literally be sitting on a throne made out of chocolate and laughing like an idiot as he shaves a gorilla and attempts to make a wig out of it’s hair. You heard us. Literally.
Umm… we aren’t sure whether to be scared by this video, or to laugh until we cough up an internal organ.
The title says it all – it’s everyone’s favourite slaphead and chocolate monkey drummer getting beaten to a pulp by an old wrestler who looks like he may have overdone the steroids and/or children’s face paint.
It really is as simple as that. We don’t know where this clip has come from or why it has been made. But we can proudly say that it will be the best three minutes and seven seconds that you’ll ever waste watching pointless internet nuggets. If you can explain this to us, please do so. Smoke is starting to come from our brains. God damn that pesky Phil Collins.
This might come as a shock to those of you who thought that Phil Collins had already retired, but here goes – Phil Collins has just retired.
At yesterday’s Ivor Novello Awards, where we assume he won the Baldest Man To Have His Career Partially Resuscitated By A Drumming Monkey award, Phil Collins emotionally announced that he was retiring from the limelight to focus on raising his two young sons in Switzerland.
So now we’ll have to get used to a world without Phil Collins – a world where bad Disney cartoons about bears are left without a soundtrack, a world where Buster 2 will never materialise, and a world where both Noel Edmonds and Jeremy Clarkson will mope about in a fug of perpetual misery forever. So it’s not all bad, then.
At hecklerspray, there are few things we hate more than watching television. It’s so irritating isn’t it? With its loud, garish programmes invariably starring some Northern “comic” trying to rehash the glory days when you could watch someone win a microwave on Bullseye and be genuinely delighted for them. 
The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame is, as everyone knows, a hallowed place reserved only for those who rock the hardest.
