What kind of monster empathises with animals? Is it because they’ve got the same colour blood as us? In fact, there’s people out there who have more sympathy for animals than they do people from different cultures.

Humans are stupid and this is proven by the need for them to have animals as pets.

Think about it. There’s people in this awful world that like nothing more than staring at silent fish in a tank. There’s people out there who like to dress their dogs up like little humans. There’s even people who think that cats are anything other than selfish, greedy snobs who only cohabit with humans to get an easy feed.

If aliens came to Earth, they’d almost certainly ask about our need to live with other species and not eat them. We spend years fattening these creatures up and then, somehow, we end up letting them lick us in our mouths and sleep on our beds while we leave the radio on for them so they don’t feel lonely while we’re at work.

Like animals have the clout to feel ‘loneliness’. The only thing they’re sufficiently able to do is produce waste-products from all that food we’ve given them.

And for what? A short life span which sees them absolutely dying before we do, leaving us to be thoroughly upset about something that never showed true kindness to us. It was an imagined kindness. We put human emotions on them because we’ve become unable to deal with our own. We’re too filled with fear to mix with other communities or people of different ages, divided by social spheres and musical tastes, and so, we transpose what we would like to see in people onto them.

This is how an actual conversation with your cat goes like:

Owner: Oh, hello Snookins! I’ve had an awful day. *puts plethora of bags down*

Snookins: FEED ME

Owner: Oooh! You are adorable! Have you missed me?

Snookins: FEED ME.

Owner: Just a second Snookins! Just let me pour myself a glass of wine.

Snookins: FEED ME. I HAVE URINATED BEHIND THE TELEVISION.

Owner: Aw, you! You’re the only person I need! You understand me don’t you? Oh Snookins, I don’t know what I’d do without you.

Snookins: FEED ME OR I’M GOING TO THAT OLD LADY’S HOUSE DOWN THE ROAD WHO BUYS CAT FOOD EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN’T HAVE A CAT.

Owner: Oh, you are the most handsome cat in the whole world Snookins! Don’t you want letting out?

Snookins: I’M SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT FEEDING ME FAST ENOUGH SO I’M GOING TO THE OLD LADY DOWN THE ROAD. THEN I’LL KILL SOMETHING AND BRING IT IN THE HOUSE. THEN I’LL DEMAND MORE FOOD. I AM INCAPABLE OF THIS THING YOU CALL LOVE.

Owner: Go on. Out you go Snookins. I’m not alone as long as I’ve got you.

Snookins: I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU MADE SOMEONE CUT OUT MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS. I’LL WANT MORE FOOD LATER. I’LL STICK MY BUMHOLE IN YOUR FACE LATER.

Owner: I love you Snookins.

Snookins: I BARELY KNOW YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE A DIFFERENT SPECIES.

And that’s the truth of the matter. With dogs, they simply want feeding constantly. They won’t even show behaviour what looks like malice, unless you count the mindless violent they perform on postmen around the world.

It’s this inherent failing and loneliness in humans that has been our downfall. While animals get on with surviving, we’ve developed empathy which, in turns, enables the heartless to exploit us all one-by-one until all we have left is passive-aggressive status updates on various social networking sites.

And pets are entirely to blame.

This post was sponsored by Dos Equis

The southern California coyote population seems to be working itself well-away from the brink of extinction.

This is good news, as just three months ago they’d been diminished by the encroachment of man to a population of one. It lived in a multi-level parking garage just off Sunset Blvd.

Luckily for devoted coyote enthusiasts everywhere, Sasha (that’s was the one coyote’s name. His mother was from Russia) saw the direness of his predicament, and vowed to increase his people’s population through improved diet, and a mass fertilisation of everything he ever came across.

That improved diet, by the way, included celebrity lap dogs – like the ones recently eaten right out of Paris Hilton‘s backyard.

In our opinion P. Hilton shouldn’t be raising small dogs. She should adopt all those drunk elephants she cares so much about. Elephants are a far superior pet, you know. They self-clean, they’re far too big for coyotes to sneak away with in their mouths, and they pay for themselves by way of those beautiful ivory tusks.

But Hilton chooses not to invest in pachyderms, which is foolish because it’s just throwing away guaranteed money. Instead she chooses to fill her backyard poop bucket with the faeces of like 17 small dogs.

Better make that 15. Two just gotten eaten by coyotes who may or may not have been out on a sacred Indian right of passage. X17Online‘s got the scoop:

“We are sad to break the news that Ms. Hilton lost two of her most beloved pets in an attack by a coyote that came down into her neighborhood during the night. Unfortunately it’s a common occurrence here in LA where homes in the hills meet with wildlife in their back yards. A source tells X17 Paris was “devastated” and that she’s been crying about it non-stop.”

Well at least one dog was spared such a horrible fate.

hecklerspray‘s sources tell us this attack is extremely unusual as most coyotes observe a pretty strict vegetarian diet. The confusion seems to have set in because Hilton’s two dogs were sunning on the back deck with a green facial mask and cucumber slices where their eyes should have been.

Also they were resting in a nest made of cabbage and smelled of tofu-bacon.

That actually sounds pretty good. Throw in a fruit cup and we’ve half a mind to eat them ourselves.

It’s fair to say that we are a planet of animal lovers and different nations have their own unique way of looking after various creatures.

In western civilisation, we often raise various animals from birth and look after them until they make that sad final visit to the vet or to the toilet to be flushed away.

Other countries in the Far East also have a love for our cuddly domestic pets. The slight difference here being that they prefer to serve them up on a bed of crunchy rocket salad drizzled in sweet and sour sauce.

In pet stakes, there are two major players when it comes to the nation’s number one pet. You’re either a cat or a dog person. Everyone has their favourite and hecklerspray is no exception. We will now sum up why dogs completely rule and why cats should piss off back to the corner they came out of.

So let’s cut to the chase. Why are dogs better then cats? Basically, cats are nothing more than arrogant creatures that swan around and try and do whatever they like.

Let them out the house and they’ll bugger off for days only returning with a dead rodent as some sort of gift for you. They do want they want and only come to you for food and their belly scratched. 

Fat people have benefited hugely from dogs and the government should pay attention to our lard-busting scheme. Dogs need a lot of exercise and always want walks so they can go on a new adventure to find somewhere new and exciting to shit and piss against.

If fat people were employed to walk dogs, not only would the overgrown porkers get some much needed exercise so they’d be able to see their own cock again, but you’d keep your dog happy avoid having Simon Cowell and the other RSPCA cronies round your gaff.  

Still unconvinced? Well we’d like to point out that dogs are significantly harder working animals than cats. After your eyesight goes, you’ll need someone to help you see again. You could get one of those sticks to clear the way for you, but the troubled youth of today with their ASBOs and cheap cider will only steal it from you.

So what do you need? A helper would be good, and we don’t mean the human kind who’ll raid your bank account. More and more people use guide dogs to help them in their everyday lives.

Do you see cats doing this? Of course you don’t, they’d be no good. They’d quickly get bored and go jump in a bush consequently confusing and scaring any blind person. 

Dogs are also used in another high-ranking job – the police force. When was the last time you saw a cat being used to sniff out a drug shipment that had been cut with Oxo cubes?

Never, that’s when. These hard-working creatures will never be out of a job with the police. Be it working on the bomb squad or biting the shit out of criminals who think two legs are quicker than four. 

Even the world of animation favours dogs over cats. The list is endless. Snoopy, Scooby Doo, Muttley and Hong Kong Phooey all kick ass. What would Garfield do? Something involving pasta, probably. Pasta. Don’t even get us started on Hello Kitty. This creepy looking Japanese creation only brings joy to its fans in the form of a very weird vibrator. Snoopy would never stoop that low. Well perhaps Snoop Dogg. 

You just have to look at a dog to know that they are the better of the two. What variety of cat do we have? Brown, black, ginger and white ones? Big whoop. Fair enough, you may have tigers and other big game cats, but leave one of those in a room with little Jimmy, and the results may not end peacefully. In the dog world the critters come in all shapes and sizes to capture our hearts and make us go “aww”. Yes, even us.

From floppy-eared Bassett hounds to the very distinct looking Dalmatian, each of these breeds has their own quality. Something that a cat can’t offer. Can you put one of them in a competition that involves training it to its potential? Of course not. 

Even God knows that dogs rule supreme. Obviously his favourite animal, he named himself after his creation. Calling himself Tac would just be stupid and sounds like the name of some Jamaican street gang who’ve just settled in Liverpool. Argue with God and you’re going straight to hell. Which we can only assume is filled with cats.

We’ll let you know when we get there.