The trailer for the first part of Peter Jackson’s hugely-anticipated return to Middle Earth, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, has hit the internet shelves for everyone to get all excited over.

Unless, of course, you can’t stand all that hairy toed adventure from pipe-smoking midgets.

Naturally, the trailer itself is over the jump of this article. This means we’ll have some padding to do before then in an attempt to make you watch it on our site rather than somewhere else. This requires a paragraph to leave you ‘hanging’, willing you to click ‘read more’. Please read more. It’ll be worth it. We’ve noticed a link between The Hobbit and the terrible 80s He-Man film, The Masters Of The Universe.

In the trailer, you’ll see Ian Holm as Bilbo, talking to Frodo, before we jump back in time where Bilbo Baggins was actually Martin Freeman, which is nice.

He then puts a stapler in some jelly.

Ian McKellen shows up as Gandalf, and then the swooping orchestrations start to force you into feeling like a buckle has been swashed or some nonsense.

Then, all the stars arrive, with Galadriel (Cate Blanchett) and some other all appearing in New Zealand, pretending it is some magical land of fairies and that little dude with the annoying voice arrived to mention his pwecious.

Just watch it yourself, alright?

But what’s this about He-Man? Well, watching the trailer and seeing the big noses and acrylic hair, we couldn’t help but get a reminder of the irritating Gwildor from the Masters Of The Universe film which starred Dolph Lundgren.

Look. Gwildor is a Hobbit!

Lord of the Rings fans are some of the most peculiar people you’ll ever meet. hecklerspray was once faced with a nutter who had an exact copy of The Ring on his finger, as well as a backpack, identical to one sported by some hairy toed character from the book. He was sat in a pub and didn’t see anything wrong with dressing up like a pipe smoking tramp from the Shire.

Another fan informed us that they wrote out the first 200 pages of The Hobbit by hand, changing ‘Bilbo’ for their own name.

So it goes without saying that there’s a bunch of strange sorts out there who will be already swooning in anticipation at the prospect of the new Hobbit film… however, it isn’t exactly faithful to the text as Peter Jackson has decided to throw some eye-candy at it in the shape of Cate Blanchett.

Blanchett will be reprising the role of the ethereal elf Galadriel despite the fact the character doesn’t appear in J.R.R. Tolkien’s fantasy epic The Hobbit.

Does someone need to set up some kind of helpline or are we all going to be fine with this?

It appears that Jackson might be trying to make a completely sexless book a bit more pleasing for the trouser shuffling nerds. There’s virtually no female characters in the book whatsoever, so maybe we’ll get to see a scene where Bilbo will accidentally wander into a disco forest full of gyrating lady trolls in bikinis made from pipe tobacco?

In other casting news, you’ll be getting Sylvester McCoy (who played the worst Doctor Who) who will star as the wizard Radagast the Brown. Any hope of sexing up The Hobbit died, just there.

There’s a bunch of other people you’ve never heard of who have been cast in the twoparter, but chances are, you already know the names of these people because you’ve been pressing refresh on some very serious Tolkien fan forum all night, every night, since the closing credits of the last Lord of the Rings film.

Sir Ian McKellan hasn’t officially been unveiled in the cast, but seeing as he’s already said that he’ll be reprising his role of Gandalf, it’s unlikely anyone is going to get the gig.

And boy, if Jackson gave someone else the role, you Lord of the Rings nutters would do something really wild and dangerous… like… leave nasty comments on a blog post or write something vitriolic about it on your Tumblr.

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The Office’s Martin Freeman is going to play Bilbo Baggins in two-part Lord of the Rings prequel The Hobbit. Peter Jackson has announced it so it must be true. And that’s after Freeman saying that he wasn’t going to be able to do the job a while ago.

In a statement, Peter Jackson said there had “only ever been one Bilbo Baggins for us”. While Freeman will be pleased to land such a huge role, he’ll probably be a bit gutted that he’s thought of as a hairy toed little troll.

Still, at least Jackson added that Freeman is “intelligent, funny, surprising and brave – exactly like Bilbo.” Brave? He’s thinking of Kylie, surely?

Jackson said he was “incredibly proud” to be able to announce that Freeman would be the hobbit.

“There are a few times in your career when you come across an actor who you know was born to play a role, but that was the case as soon as I met Martin.”

There’s a few other Brit TV faces that’ll be appearing in the film, including Spooks actor Richard Armitage who will play the role of Thorin Oakenshield who is leader of the dwarves or something. Former EastEnders actor Rob Kazinsky (he played Sean Slater) will also play a dwarf despite the fact he’s over 6 feet tall.

This pair will appear alongside Irish actor Aidan Turner (who you may remember from BBC Three’s Being Human) and some bloke called Graham McTavish who has appeared on Red Dwarf.

The film hasn’t been running smoothly though. Jackson’s Lord of the Rings films were all made in New Zealand, but thanks to a dispute with the unions, Jackson is looking to film elsewhere.

And it is ol’ Blighty that’s looking favourite at the moment. Well, we do have a lot of nice trees and things that look like The Shire. Sadly, they’ll have to clear out all the piss-stained mattresses and burned-out cars from the glorious English countryside if they really want to get the look right for the films.

The films are due to be released in December 2012 and December 2013.

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The Lord of the Rings franchise was rather successful, despite being rubbish. There wasn’t a single car-chase or decent sex-scene. What a load of rubbish. They didn’t even hire real dragons or anything.

With that, it’s not exactly bad news that Peter Jackson has warned that production on the forthcoming Hobbit movies could cease over a pay dispute with acting unions.

Yeah, hippies. How do you like that? The film might be stopped in its tracks and then you’ll have to… oh… read the book for the millionth time you Shire Weirdos.

In an open letter, probably written in Elvish while smoking a stupidly long thin pipe, Jackson has had to answer criticisms after unions urged actors not to work on the films due.

Organisations in the UK, Canada, Australia and the US have said the The Hobbit’s producers have refused to negotiate a deal with them.

The International Federation of Actors said it was time for performers on The Hobbit to seek union contracts, adding that actors in New Zealand have “struggled on non-union contracts for some time”.

Very much like some dippy dwarf getting dragged along in the quest for some magical jewellery when he just wanted to be sat in his tree-bungalow smoking tabs, drinking ale and shaving his toes.

Anyway, Jackson said this wrangle was a “grab for power” and “an attempt by the “Australian bully-boy” to exert influence over New Zealand’s film industry.

“It feels as if we have a large Aussie cousin kicking sand in our eyes… or to put it another way, opportunists exploiting our film for their own political gain.”

“Seriously, if the Hobbit goes east (Eastern Europe in fact) – look forward to a long, dry big-budget movie drought in this country.”

So Jackson doesn’t like it when actors start demanding that actors get what they think they deserve (of course, all actors deserve complete contempt, apart from Timothy Spall and Julie Walters who everyone seems to love), right?

Not so. Jackson reckons that he’s not anti-union

“[I've] always attempted to treat my actors and crew with fairness and respect”.

Jackson is probably going to direct this new Hobbit project after Guillermo del Toro sodded off thanks to concerns about delays. Weirdly, for a pair of films which seem destined to rake loads of money in (thanks to you Lord of the Rings nutters), the project has not been given the financial go-ahead by Hollywood studios. Yet Ben Stiller still gets work. Astonishing.

Filming is now expected to start early in 2011… but will Martin Freeman star in the main role?

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Martin Freeman is a lucky actor. Like Michael Caine, he gets gigs in TV and film to essentially turn up and play himself. Lovely work if you can get it. And as such, Peter Jackson who makes all those awful Lord of the Rings films, offered Freeman the chance to play himself one again in the lead role of The Hobbit.

Freeman was offered the chance to play Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit film, and with it, a seven figure salary.

Did he say yes to a film that is almost certainly going to piss coins? No. He said no because he wanted to carry on as Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick Dr Watson. The tiny idiot.

The Sun reports that Freeman reluctantly turned the role down because he was already committed to 20 weeks filming alongside Benedict Cumberbatch in Jonathan-Creek-Goes-Brooding show, Sherlock.

A source said:

“It was one of the most difficult decisions of his career. MGM, who are making the film, only got a formal offer over in the last couple of weeks.

“It was too late for Martin because he had already signed up for another series of Sherlock. It was agonising but he had no other choice.”

The fool. He wouldn’t have even had to shave his hairy toes for this role.

The source added:

“All the actors had to read four pages of script to camera which is being shown to Peter Jackson. He is looking for a hidden gem now Martin has ruled himself out of the job.”

The Hobbit is expected to hit cinemas with a bunch of twee hippie bollocks in 2012.

Hobbit fans had better just put their stupid wizard gowns and Golem masks back in the closet – Middle Earth is officially in turmoil.

Why? Because Hobbit director Guillermo Del Toro has quit as director of The Hobbit – and Peter Jackson has already ruled out taking the reins.

Apparently, the constant delays caused by the financial woes at MGM have pissed Guillermo Del Toro off so much he has decided to walk.

These are, of course, delays that Jackson and De Toro had only acknowledged until recently. So officially De Toro is kind of quitting over nothing.

This is after already spending two years in New Zealand with WETA preparing to make the two-part film.

The news is a right pain in The Ring for LOTR fans, who apparently were looking forward to seeing more emaciated Mexican eye-hand monsters than in Tolkien’s original vision.

He was also seen as an ideal choice to replace Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson – not because of his creative vision or anything like that, but because he looks exactly like Peter Jackson in a Bo Selecta mask.

But not now, after Del Toro decided he was sick of living in a Third World country or something. Well, you can’t blame him. New Zealand may look pretty, but there is sod all to do. OK, we are making this bit up.

Speaking on The One Ring, Del Toro said: “In light of ongoing delays in the setting of a start date for filming The Hobbit, I am faced with the hardest decision of my life.

“After nearly two years of living, breathing and designing a world as rich as Tolkien’s Middle Earth, I must, with great regret, take leave from helming these wonderful pictures. I remain grateful to Peter, Fran and Philippa Boyens, New Line and Warner Brothers and to all my crew in New Zealand. I’ve been privileged to work in one of the greatest countries on earth with some of the best people ever in our craft and my life will be forever changed. The blessings have been plenty, but the mounting pressures of conflicting schedules have overwhelmed the time slot originally allocated for the project. Both as a co-writer and as a director, I wish the production nothing but the very best of luck and I will be first in line to see the finished product. I remain an ally to it and its makers, present and future, and fully support a smooth transition to a new director.”

Del Toro will, however, continue to co-write the screenplays with Fran Walsh, Jackson and Phillipa Boyens. But those hoping producer Jackson would step up to the plate are in for some bad news (although we did mention it in the second sentence). Jackson’s manager Ken Kamins said:

“Peter has and has had obligations and commitments to other films that would make it impossible for him to direct The Hobbit at this time, even if it was offered, which it hasn’t been.”

Mind you, Jackson is half the man he used to be, literally.

Meanwhile, Jackson added the usual crap you see at the end of press releases.

He said: “We feel very sad to see Guillermo leave The Hobbit, but he has kept us fully in the loop and we understand how the protracted development time on these two films, due to reasons beyond anyone’s control, has compromised his commitment to other long term projects.

“The bottom line is that Guillermo just didn’t feel he could commit six years to living in New Zealand, exclusively making these films, when his original commitment was for three years. Guillermo is one of the most remarkable creative spirits I’ve ever encountered and it has been a complete joy working with him.

“Guillermo’s strong vision is engrained into the scripts and designs of these two films, which are extremely fortunate to be blessed with his creative DNA.”

So is The Hobbit destined for Mount Doom? Well, in hecklerspray’s inexpert opinion: No chance, there’s too much money to be made to let it slip. Even if they have to get Michael bloody Bay to direct.

God, we have just thrown up in our mouths.

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Tommy Wirkola is a new name for the horror genre but his audacious, hilarious and blood-splattered Norwegian Nazi zombie movie Dead Snow, shows that this is one director who has done his homework.

If the film isn’t making you laugh, cutting something in half or having intestine pulled out of one of the characters, then its winking at the audience with some reference to some of the best-loved horror masterpieces.

Tommy Wirkola has exclusively talked to us about his top five horror movies of all time, and as a list of definitive titles to watch, it’s hard to argue with. Enjoy…

Tommy:

I have been watching horror movies from when I was at a very young age. I blame that on my oldest brother who is 10 years older than me, who brought home the most horrific horror movies for me to watch, when the stuff I should have been watching was things like Sesame Street and Disney movies.

To ask me to only pick five horror movies, is like asking Hannibal Lecter to pick his favourite part on the human body… anyway, here it goes:

TOP 5 HORROR MOVIES BY TOMMY WIRKOLA

5. Drag me to Hell

I LOVED Sam Raimi’s comeback to the horror genre. It was suspenseful, scary as hell, funny and gross. What more can you ask for?

4. Braindead

It’s incredible that a movie can contain THAT MUCH blood, and still be as funny as it is.

3. The Descent

I love this film. It’s scary and never have I felt that out of breath in a movie theatre. Claustrophobic and suspenseful! And it was refreshing to see a movie with an all-female cast.

2. The Evil Dead 2

What can one say? All the things that I love about moviemaking combined in ONE FILM.

1. The Exorcist

I still remember the first time I saw this film. I was alone at home… it was in the middle of winter, which in north of Norway means total darkness, and it was in the middle of the night. I couldn’t sleep for days. I still find it scary, shocking and incredibly well acted. A favourite!

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We didn’t moan when the credit crunch meant that our house got repossessed or that we had to give up food, but we never thought Tintin would be taken from us.

Sadly, it looks like it has. Despite being masterminded by Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson – the directors of some of the best loved and wildly overlong films about robot children and big monkeys ever made – it’s been reported that the proposed 3D animated Tintin movie has been passed over by Universal for being too expensive.

We genuinely didn’t see this coming – we knew the global economy was fragile at the moment, but so fragile that the world will be deprived of a movie based on the racially dubious adventures a marginally popular ginger Belgian journalist made using prohibitively costly pioneering technology? We’re in worse trouble than we thought.

If there are two people in the world you don’t say no to, it’s Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson. That’s not to say you shouldn’t say no to them – especially when they say things like “I want to make a three-hour film about Jack Black waggling his eyebrows at a gorilla” or “No, really, it’ll be great – just like the other Indiana Jones movies, but with a fridge that can withstand nuclear explosions!” – but you don’t.

Universal, however, has. One of the most highly-anticipated movies of the next few years was to be Tintin. Tintin was going to be a guaranteed success. For starters it’d be based on Herge‘s beloved series of comic strips – the world’s third most popular Belgian export after mind-numbing tedium and seafood-initiated Staphylococcus – and secondly because it’d be directed by both Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson.

Whichever way you look at it, Tintin couldn’t be anything other than a massive success. Adapted from a source that both directors obviously cherish, the Tintin movie would have benefited from both of their expertise – Steven Spielberg’s proven experience of crafting stories based around tender, fractured families and Peter Jackson’s love of really long scenes about nothing performed in made-up languages interspersed with scenes of an elf getting beaten up by some trees – but maybe we’ll never get to see that now.

You see, Universal – the studio that was favourite to make Tintin – has pulled out at the last minute over the movie’s budget. Although set at $130 million, Universal worked out that Tintin would need to make $425 million before it could even break even thanks to the large profit percentage that Spielberg and Jackson would claim from it. Get The Big Picture reports:

The money tree would shake out this way: 30% of total revenue from box office, DVD, and TV sales for Spielberg and Jackson, which would be around $100 million, after which Universal could start to make back its coin.

This is just the latest piece of bad luck for Peter Jackson, who had previously ploughed his efforts into making a Halo movie only to similarly see that similarly blow up in his face. And if studios are now being so affected by global economic trends that they’re turning down surefire family-favourite movies like Tintin, what hope does Steven Spielberg have of seeing his movie about temporal signatures and gravity-wave strengths get greenlit?

Let’s not be too downhearted, though – undeterred by Universal’s dismissal, Spielberg and Jackson are already pimping Tintin to Paramount, and if it’s given the go-ahead, filming could start in as little as a month. But probably not before some budget cuts have been made.

In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if – by the time it’s released – Tintin is less of an eye-popping 3D animation about a globe-trotting reporter battling the forces of evil and more of a 13-minute video of a ginger bloke sitting at a desk looking for a stapler and muttering to himself that was filmed on Peter Jackson’s mobile phone.

Read more:

Spielberg and Jackson Can’t Get Money to Make ‘Tintin’ – Get The Big Picture

The Hobbit will definitely be coming to cinemas, and it'll probably have more creepy scrawny Mexican eye-hand monsters than you remembered.

That's because Guillermo Del Toro – director of Pan's Labyrinth and Blade II – is reportedly in talks to take on both proposed Hobbit movies when they eventually get written and made.

And Guillermo Del Toro has certainly won over the fans, too – not because of his creative vision or anything like that, mind you, but because he looks exactly like Peter Jackson in a Bo Selecta mask.

Nobody wanted the Lord Of The Rings trilogy to end; not least Lord Of The Rings itself, thanks to its brain-numbing, bladder-cramping procession of witless drawn-out endings that lasted – we timed it – for four entire days. But Lord Of The Rings wasn't enough for the fans, and nor were the mega-extended super-lengthened DVD editions of Lord Of The Rings that came with the guarantee that you'd die of old age before the middle of The Two Towers if you tried to watch them.

And that left The Hobbit. It didn't matter that The Hobbit was a kid's book or that it basically involves a bit of a stroll, a dragon-killing and then a bit of a stroll home again, because demand to make The Hobbit was hot. But then Peter Jackson and New Line had a fight and it was all called off. And then Peter Jackson and New Line made up again and The Hobbit was back on, even though Jackson couldn't be arsed to direct it.

So step forward Guillermo Del Toro, creator of the award-winning Pan's Labyrinth. It's been reported that Del Toro is currently the frontrunner to direct the two proposed Hobbit movies thanks to his fantastical visual flair and inventive world-building skills. 

That's all well and good, but can he fly in a helicopter filming a couple of midgets and a wizard walk across a mountain for three or four hours at a time? If not, he'd better bloody learn. Anyway, even though IMDb lists Guillermo Del Toro as  having ten producing jobs and three directing jobs lined up – not including the Harry Potter movie he's fighting Steven Spielberg for, Del Toro thinks he'd be brilliant for The Hobbit. E! Online reports:

"I’ve heard some rumblings, but nothing official," del Toro told Entertainment Weekly last month when asked if he'd been approached for the job. "I don’t want to think about it because it’s such an eventuality. It’s the only Tolkien book I read…I read it and I loved it. So it would be a privilege."

Well that's hardly the basis for anything – it's the only Tolkien book we've read as well, so we're just as qualified to direct The Hobbit as this Guillermo De Toro character. Admittedly we read it as children and we can't really remember most of it – we think there was a bit about a sports car and SuperTed featured heavily in the climax – but we are cheap.

Never let it be said that we aren't cheap.

Read more: 

Del Toro a Hobbit-Forming Director - E! Online

Lava doesn't boil – it makes way for Earth farts. Granted, it may sometimes look as if its boiling, but that's just visual trickery provided by, as we already said, Earth farts. Air bubbles and what not.

No doubt this is the angle New Line intends to play with the new Hobbit movies that are finally moving forward. 'Surprise! The ring's not really destroyed, its just been resting next to a planet sized colon.' Real juvenile New Line! We'll not reward such nonsense with our money! Or our Mom's money! Sure, it's free from the government, but it's because she's disabled! Grow up New Line Cinema!

In more surprising news, Peter Jackson is definitely going to be attached to the film. He and New Line settled their disagreement allowing things to progress. He's not going to direct though. He's going to play King Kong who now conveniently has to destroy the ring the rest of the way. Seriously, it says so on page 12 in the book 'The Real Tolkien volume III,' which we wrote.

Which we intend to write. Maybe next week. We intend to write a Tolkien book maybe next week.

Peter Jackson, who is still fat but uses CGI to look thin, is going to have his hands in the new Hobbit movies. We've heard the new films will have more of a Transformers feel to them, which of course means that they will be about Frodo desperately trying to save humanity by pushing an electric square into Voltron's chest or something. We've seen the storyboard and it looks gripping.

Jackson and his wife will executive produce the new movies, but won't direct them because they are far too busy finding ways for dragons have a meaningful dialogue about race or something. According to Reuters:

"The makers of the smash hit "Lord of the Rings" films said on Tuesday they settled a legal dispute and agreed to make two movies based on J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit," but most likely without Peter Jackson directing. Oscar winner Jackson, however, has signed on as executive producer along with his wife and producing partner, Fran Walsh, who also was instrumental in making the three "Lord of the Rings" films that earned $3 billion at global box offices."

The first Hobbit movie is said to be titled Gollum: The College Years, and will mostly feature Andy Serkis winning a bet by making an ugly girl popular, winning a sport against incredible odds and/or getting mad and tossing around several drafting tables.

Like we already said, it seems quite gripping.

Read More:

Master of ‘Rings’ to Tackle ‘Hobbit’ – New York Times