Some people say the McCartney/Mills divorce was the best celebrity divorce ever. Some say the Hasselhoff divorce.
These people are wrong. When it comes to celebrity divorces, one stands head and shoulders above all others. It had fame. It had money. It had glamour. It had infidelity. It had a $3,000-per-month addiction to internet pornography. It had a Billy Joel soundtrack. It was the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce from last year. It was perfect, and it’s back in the news.
We’re so happy that the Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce is back in the news that we could kiss somebody on the lips. Not Peter Cook, obviously. We don’t know where his mouth’s been.
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Despite all the endless boneheaded kerfuffle over it, Peter Cook’s big 20/20 interview about Christie Brinkley hasn’t actually been broadcast yet.
The interview is to be broadcast tonight – a fact which has got Christie Brinkley into a flap. Christie Brinkley has tried to take a restraining order out against Peter Cook because he’s due to have their children this weekend, and she’s worried that he’ll spend that entire weekend showing them his interview.
But a judge has rejected the restraining order, partly because Peter Cook plans to take the children on a trip this weekend. But what Christie Brinkley doesn’t know is that the trip is to the television department of an electrical goods store, where the children will see their father explaining what a cold-hearted witch their mother is on 50 giant HDTV screens at once, and all in crystal-clear surround sound. Eat that, Uptown Girl!
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Imagine your ex-husband was on TV doing a wobbly-voiced interview about how his affair with an 18-year-old wasn’t his fault.
Imagining that? Congratulations, you’re now Christie Brinkley. And now, Christie Brinkley, given that your ex-husband Peter Cook has just shown himself to be an egomanical attention-div of the highest order by writhing around in the gutter in front of the world like this, what’s the absolute last thing you should probably do?
That’s right – dive into the gutter with him. But that’s what Christie Brinkley has just done. Christie’s released a statement that further slags off Peter Cook, even though it’s basically just another reminder for her daughter that her parents are no longer capable of rational thought. The poor girl’s already called Sailor, for Christ’s sake. How much more do you want her to resent you?
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This just in – Peter Cook is a legend. An absolute dyed-in-the-wool cast iron legend that every man on Earth should regard as a hero.
Why? Because even though Peter Cook’s supermodel wife Christie Brinkley recently divorced him after he a) had it off with a teenager he met in a toystore and b) started spending $3,000 a month on internet pornography, Peter Cook says that the divorce was absolutely not his fault at all.
Better still, Peter Cook blames the divorce squarely on Christie Brinkley, because she didn’t thank him for being him as much as he wanted. Peter Cook said all this in an interview with Barbara Walters in an effort to stop him being branded as a “scumbag pervert.” And we’re pretty sure he’s got his wish – we believe the term is “egomaniac scumbag pervert dimwit” now.
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The divorce between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook has finally come to an end – and best of all, everyone’s won!
According to reports, lawyers for both Christie Brinkley were thrashing out a divorce settlement until 6:15 this morning, and everyone’s got what they wanted. On the surface of things, Christie Brinkley has come out on top – she’s keeping sole custody of her kids.
You’d think that Peter Cook would be disappointed to discover that he’s never going to be able to spend any quality time with his own children for the rest of his life, but that’s not the case either – Christie Brinkley has to pay him $2.1 million. That’s enough money to keep him in porn for 58.3 years! And, as we all know, porn wins over kids every time.
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If you were the judge in the Christie Brinkley divorce, who would you give custody of the children to?
You’ve got two choices – there’s Christie Brinkley, the former supermodel who looks like she spends her weekends baking cooking and making fresh lemonade; and then there’s Peter Cook, a man who pays thousands of dollars each month to waggle his pee-pee around on the internet.
You’d probably wait for professional psychiatric advice before making a decision, wouldn’t you? Well, fear not – a psychiatrist has taken the stand at the Christie Brinkley divorce, and he’s called Peter Cook an ‘insatiable narcissist’. Peter Cook would have denied this claim, but he was too busy tenderly licking his own reflection in a mirror to pay attention to anything that was being said at the time.
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Life can get pretty tiring when you're mercilessly exposing your estranged husband's wildly expensive internet pornography habit in public – just ask Christie Brinkley.
But how does Christie Brinkley like to relax in the few moments where she's not systematically kicking the father of her child in the balls again and again until his reputation is shattered forever? Simple – by hanging out with Billy Joel.
Christie Brinkley spent her Independence Day at a barbecue with ex-husband Billy Joel. While those close to Brinkley are busy pointing out that there's nothing romantic going on, Billy Joel must surely know that Christie Brinkley's heightened vulnerability means that she'll leap into his arms again as soon as he plays her the new song he's written about her, the doo-wop influenced My Monthly Internet Pornography Bill Is Marginally Smaller Than His.
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Hey, you think it's bad that Christie Brinkley's marriage ended because her husband started plonking his man-sausage into a teenage girl he met in a toyshop?
Well, you don't even know the half of it. During the first day of the gloriously public Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce trial yesterday, it was claimed that Cook spends around $3,000 a month on porn websites. What an idiot – why doesn't he just illegally download his pornography for free like the rest of us do?
Now, we're no mathematicians, but even if Peter Cook found the time to solidly jerk himself into a frenzy three times a day to internet pornography, that still equates to about $33 per ejaculation. $33! For that money he could buy a fresh pair of ladies shoes each time and wank into those instead. That's what most men would rather do, right? Right?
Just us?
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