Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Classy children’s author and stain on the pants of society, Katie Price, has insisted that she would never have sex on the first date.
Stop laughing.
Yes,the horse lover (and horse killer), formally known as ?Jordan,?turned?up on Loose Women to talk about how she’s not the kind of girl who does that kind of thing, despite the fact she pumped the virginity right out of Gareth Gates in a London Hotel in 2002.
You all remember Kim Kardashian, right? She’s the business woman and entrepreneur who is also the star of her own reality television series with her whole family. She’s worth a bit of cash is Kim but, in keeping with the American dream, vacuous idiots can always have more.
Is Kim Kardashian a vacuous idiot? IS SHE? WE ASKED IF YOU THOUGHT KIMMY K WAS A BLITHERING NINCOMPOOP?
No, of course she isn’t. Why?
On Sunday, we witnessed what came to be the last programme documenting the audition process of the underrated, revolutionary post-feminist Space Opera?series “The X Factor 2011”.
Hear that over there? That's Ewan Mcgregor singing Your Song in a melancholic manner with an umbrella. See that over in the other direction? That's your inescapable loneliness.
But put all that heroin and selection of complimentary bath salts to the side for one moment! Those headaches are probably nothing to worry about after all. Let’s just kick back, and remember all the classic moments of the past few weeks instead. Remember when a woman told Tulisa how it was all HER opinion, and then on top of that, that other thing happened as well? Sometimes the path to creating amazing music is hard. Just ask Brian Wilson or David Sneddon. Or both! They’re probably sitting together on the same park bench somewhere, trying to feed Hula Hoop packets to pissed off swans.
Run for cover! Katie Price (or Jordan if you live in the ’90s) is threatening us all with a new album. Aren’t there war crime tribunals for things like this? Seriously. We need someone like James Bond and some piano wire to sort this, post haste.
We know this because she cruelly asked everyone on Twitter what songs we’d like to hear her singing.
Of course, there were those who asked her to never open her mouth to make any kind of sound ever again, but alas, Price is not a woman who takes no for an answer, as her many, many marriages and babies are testament to.
Here?s some advice. Fashion yourself a miniature love nest in your room, masturbate wrathfully for the next four days, then click the following link.
This link right here.
Yes, that’s right.You physically cannot produce enough paranoia and semen to replicate this video, can you? Well, seeing as you’re all loved out – it is all here, spread out in the This Morning studio. And apparently Ruth Langford?s preferred choice of hair mousse. Whatever. Chantelle Houghton and Alex Reid were never meant to be a couple. This is just a Closer magazine work experience girl typing a caption wrong. This is why communism was ultimately an unsuccessful idea. Most importantly, this is why Katie Price should stop marrying male prostitutes.
Hey everyone, you massive pile of galahs! Pandre Peter Pandre Andre here, and I've been given just enough time by the scummy hoardes at hecklerspray to give something back to you, the people.
That's what I'm all about now. Giving something back. You may have seen my new show on ITV2, that I don't like to talk about, Here 2 Help? That's all about me giving something back as well, to people who are so pathetic and downtrodden that just me giving them one of my special Pandre hugs and lobbing half a ballad at them makes them rise up and walk like Lazarus.
But I don’t like to talk about that show, that’s on every other hour on ITV2. Or talk about how much I love my kids, because I really love my kids. I just want to give some more things back… like tell you how to get a woman to date you!
You really think you have the energy to hear this? Sure about that, are we? Let's just take this slow, just in case. Let's not get lodged inside something dark and unyielding and then regret it afterwards (Extract from Antony Costa?s Bedroom Memoirs, 2008) So. Katie Price has written another book.
You should know the drill by now, because of that time you accidently walked into a Newsagents and bought Heat Magazine regularly for two years. Just in case you don't ? here?s the situation we're facing. After having had some sex with Dane Bowers, Peter Andre, Katie Waissel, and most recently a hired homosexual gentleman ? Katie Price?s career as a businesswoman was for some reason being somewhat overlooked. It was then that Katie discovered her greatest talent ? ringing someone up and asking them to write a book for her. A great author was born (but that’s not relevant).
Today saw the launch of Katie?s latest literary delight in the shape of ?The Comeback Girl?. A story about something, or other. Pssh. Bloody pretentious Pulitzer fodder, if you ask us.
If the borders of reality and literature were to ever blur by magic and represent members of society, then Peter Andre would be the human equivalent of the Mr. Happy character from the Mr. Men books. You can't pick up a trashy 67p magazine without seeing the ex husband of Katie Price and general lousy pop star slapped across it.
Over on ITV where the bosses are keen to fill their airtime with any old tosh, Andre has been given his own show where he shunts his children around, showing what an adoring parent he is.
Tears literally roll down our cheeks everytime we watch, but we get the impression that the footage will be used as evidence to show he's be a more responsible parent than Katie Price who spends her time running over horses. When Peter Andre isn't kissing bot-bot to the camera, he supposedly has a day job as a singer. Tragically, he's in demand.
Katie Price aka Jordan is bloody brilliant. Not only is she covered in boobs, has cloven hoofs and a slightly large orange head, she also has a great big gaping hole in the front of her face and sometimes words fly out of it like a perfectly veneered bat cave.
Of course, like any devoted celebrity mother, she keeps her kids grounded and out of the spotlight by putting them directly in front of TV cameras and providing them with several, slightly useless father figures to choose from when they grow up and decide to run screaming from her clutches.
While she’s waiting for the sun’s rays to transform her once and for all into Zelda from Terrahawks, she loves to talk about her sex life and is apparently still shagging her cage-fighting ex Alex Reid with her unholy vag.
Those of you who are fans of crushing idiocy have had a rough time of it recently. There’s always the Bieberphiles and the Kardashians to entertain you, but nothing can quite compare to the eternal, head rottingly awful stupidity that can come about from the coupling of two dunderheads of colossal proportions.
We are, of course, referring to Jordan Price’s? hook ups and doomed marriages to men primarily made from the revolving meat suitcases that you see adorning the kebab shops of this fine land. Where would we go and who would we be sarky about now that she has released another one into the wild?
Fear not, good people, even when she’s let them loose from her clutches she still pipes up from time to time to remind us all of why we loved her and her dwindling intellect. Even though her and Peter Andre have been split up for about a year (which is decades in gossip time), they have ‘continued their war of words’ (according to most, ‘continued honking at each other like frightened geese, according to us), to both keep each other in the public eye and, apparently, to moan about their kids getting burnt or something. It’s mostly the first reason, obviously.
