Lisping, limp-wristed rocknut Pete Wentz got divorced from candy floss brained Ashlee Simpson and everyone remembered how surprised they were when they heard the pair were getting married in the first place.

What did some emo ballbag ever have in common with a glazed cherry of a woman? Apart from the mutual simpletonry of course?

Either way, the pair slowly closed their mouths and blinked into the sunlight while it quietly dawned on them that, in fact, they didn’t have a damn thing in common apart from some offspring. So they decided to split and now they’re having incredibly polite arguments in court (the most they’ve ever spoken to each other, ever).

Wentz, whirring his tiny little brain with all the effort he could muster responded in court to his Simpson’s divorce filing with one of his own, which he probably wrote in his best joined-up handwriting.

Sadly, any brains he may have forged over the court appearance were soon dispelled when everyone remembered what the child was called in the custody battle – Bronx Mowgli.

Is that related to a Bronx Cheer in anyway?

Basically, this crashingly boring pair have agreed that they should both get to see poor little Bronx Mowgli (who, when he’s older, will no doubt divorce the pair of them) with Simpson saying that she be awarded primary physical custody, with Wentz only getting visitation.

Sounds reasonable?

Oh, she also wanted spousal support. Oh, and she wanted Wentz to pay her attorney fees as well.

Wentz said something in return, which was so dull, we’re not even sure we’ve got the will to finish this article.

In fact, we won’t. Instead, look at this video which pretty much sums it all up.

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Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have filed for divorce because, in their own sweet way, they’re both insanely irritating and gaspingly thick. C’mon, ‘Champagne For My Real Friend, Real Pain For My Sham Friends’ is a song title so bad that the English language itself has reportedly tried to commit suicide.

Of course, the pair are citing that age-old, trusted reason of “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for the break-up.

The world mourns the loss of this shining example of everything that is great about humankind, clearly.

A source close to Wentz told reckons:

“They have gone their separate ways for quite some time. … Ashlee and Pete have not really been on track for the past year.”

After all that time together, the pair suddenly rose from their simpleton stupor to realise that they had absolutely nothing in common. It’s a bit like two fish realising that they have been staring at their own reflections in the fish tank.

Of course, there’s a trace of nastiness in all this, mainly because celebrities are physically unable to walk away from another human without muttering a slur under their breath.

Simpson is claiming that she couldn’t deal with Wentz “erratic” behaviour.

One chum of Wentz’s notes:

“Pete is a helluva lot smarter than Ashlee. After a while I think she realized she just couldn’t keep up with him in a lot of areas.”

Notably, the competition of who can put their eyeliner on the neatest. Sadly for us muck-rakers, there doesn’t seem to be the merest hint of an affair around this depressingly boring debacle.

The worst element of this whole thing is that Wentz is invariably going to pour his heart out about all this in a series of beige stadium rock turds, which he’ll hope makes him look all clever and sensitive. Naturally, Fall Out Boy fans will lap it up like thirsty hounds.

The rest of us meanwhile will have to begin the laborious process of slicing our ears off and filling the holes with liquid concrete.

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The organisers of Hard Rock Calling, that sort of festival like thing that happens in Hyde Park every summer that isn’t the O2 Wireless festival, have decided that former Fall Out Boy bassist and pioneer of the musical equivalent of object dá, Pete Wentz, is a suitable choice for a battle of the bands judge.

Right? RIGHT?

If you’re lucky enough to have forgotten the mid noughties, here’s a crash course in all things Pete Wentz:

• He was in an emo band called Fall Out Boy who got big on the back of the success of auditory assassins My Chemical Romance.
• He had/has a stupid fringe and a fondness for guyliner.
• He was once caught doing an Ashley Cole after a fan posted a picture of his tattooed tallywhacker on the internet and…
• He’s married to Ashlee Simpson, a woman so pathetic she continues to live in the shadow of America’s answer to Kerry Katona, her older sister Jessica Simpson.

That’s right, at one point in time, Pete Wentz was related by marriage to Nick Lachey.

ROCKNFUGGINROLL!

The heats Wentz will be judging are taking place in Hard Rock Cafes all over the world, because being alternative and sticking it to the man is like totally all about being a shameless corporate whore nowadays, duh!

The budding bands that Wentz will cast his three eyes over are battling it out to see who gets to take to the stage in Hyde Park, in front of literally some people, and belt out their best Aerosmith covers as bottles of piss whip past their heads and rain pours down on them from the cold, grey London skies.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t really ones for nurturing talent, we prefer to call people names and giggle amongst ourselves, but even so we can’t honestly see what would make anyone desperate enough to have Pete Wentz, a man so incredibly annoying and pointless that even Bono thinks it’s a bit much, judge their musical ability. Unless they’re still about 12 years old and think that Wentz is OMG LIKE SO TOTALLY BUFF YEH!

Anyway, congratulations Hard Rock Calling, whatever credibility you had left after changing your name to that of an overpriced theme restaurant has just evaporated.

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Everyone wants to see Bronx Mowgli Wentz – because if the face matches the name then that’s one ugly baby.

But cool your jets, world. Pete Wentz doesn’t roll like those other celebrity idiots. True, he does roll like those other celebrity idiots in that he’s got a stupid haircut, a humiliatingly-named baby and he married one of the Simpson girls without really thinking it through first, but Pete Wentz definitely isn’t selling his baby photos to a magazine.

Bronx Mowgli’s just too precious for that. Plus it’ll mean that now Pete’ll make a crapload from selling the reality TV show rights. A crapload.

We don’t know about you, but we’re all celebrity babied out this week. Seriously, Ricky Martin’s mechanically-farmed twins have absolutely given us our fill of looking at the offspring of people we almost certainly wouldn’t be able to spend more than 30 seconds around in public before hurling ourselves out of the nearest window.

So we should be thankful to Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson, then, because they’ve decided not to sell pictures of their baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz to the highest bidder. On his blog, Pete Wentz wrote:

About baby pics gossip: truth is like every celeb couple we were offered mounds and mounds of money by mags from here to Guam to pimp out the baby. We just don’t want to go down that road with him. We are not placing judgment on those that do as they often use the money in a very charitable way. However, we have made the decision to not sell Bronx’s baby pictures right now.

That’s a shame, because we heard that babies created by half of the rhythm section from a second-rate emo band and a woman who’s famous because she’s the sister of a woman with moviestar pretensions even though she’s never been in a single decent movie tend to go for millions.

But still, it’s weirdly noble that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have decided not to sell their baby photos to a magazine for cash. And we’re sure that Bronx Mowgli will grow up to be eternally grateful because they chose not to exchange a photo of him looking like an unrecognisable lump of flesh for millions of dollars that they could have put in a trust fund to pay for his education. Really.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson obviously want their son to be brought up as normally as possibly – at least until little Bronx Mowgli realises that not every child has a name that’s a composite of a geographical location and a Disney character, of course, because that’s the day that Bronx Mowgli will be arrested for stabbing his parents to death, and that isn’t very normal at all.

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If you’re named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, it’s a given that you’ll end up either in therapy or buying a great big bag of guns.

Both outcomes are hideously expensive – any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you’d rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense – so it’s just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune.

According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It’s up to them.

He may have only been born a week ago, but nevertheless it’ll still go down in history as the happiest week of baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s life. Over the coming days, weeks and months Bronx Mowgli will start to develop sentient thought, and then it’s all going to go tits up.

In time, Bronx Mowgli will discover that the bad noise he’s constantly forced to listen to is what his father does for a living, that the glowing orange woman with the Tonka truck jaw who keep visiting him is actually his aunt and – worst of all – that people keep saying the stupefying phrase ‘Bronx Mowgli’ around him because that’s actually his sodding name. We wouldn’t like to be him when he works that one out.

But it’s not all bad news for Bronx Mowgli Wentz, because there’s a very good likelihood that he’ll be richer than his wildest dreams in the next week or two. Although he’s just the lowly son of the bassist from the world’s sixth most interesting emo band and a woman primarily famous for being the sister of another woman who had a reality TV show once, exclusive baby photos of Bronx Mowgli Wentz could fetch anything up to $2 million. Monsters And Critics reports:

Publicist Howard Bragman said: “I see Ashlee and Pete coming in at the low seven figures mark. Two million seems like a good, solid figure for Ashlee and Pete. It’s a two-celeb couple, so that’s a boost for them. Keep in mind, last year, Ashlee was the girl who sang along to the tape recorder. It was a PR nightmare. Now, she’s a newlywed and a new mom, so she’s a lot more relatable.”

Two million dollars seems like quite an optimistic figure for pictures of Bronx Mowgli Wentz, doesn’t it? Remember that Christina Aguilera was only paid $1.5 million for her baby photos and it turned out that nobody could be bothered to get excited about them. And since Christina Aguilera is a woman who most people have actually heard of, it wouldn’t seem like Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are in for a monster payday.

Cuh. First no free BMW and now a potentially reduced fee for pictures of their baby? Why, it’s almost like nobody really cares about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, isn’t it?

But, however much Pete and Ashlee do end up getting for their baby photos, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz can grow up in the knowledge that his parents got to spend that money on whatever exciting crap they wanted. Not like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie‘s twins, who could only look on helplessly as their parents donated their fee to charity. The stupid charity-loving idiots.

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Bronx Mowgli Wentz is a combination of words so stupid that it makes people want to punch themselves in the face just for saying it out loud.

So, by deciding to name his firstborn child Bronx Mowgli Wentz, Pete Wentz opened up a real can of borderline child abuse. In fact, the outrage over the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz has been so huge that Pete Wentz has been forced to explain the vast secrets behind its meaning. Ready to have your minds blown?

OK – he and Ashlee Simpson chose Mowgli as a name because they quite like The Jungle Book. Astounding, we know. But Pete Wentz wants to keep the meaning behind the Bronx part of the name a secret. He won’t have much luck, though, because scientists have already boiled the meaning down to either a) Pete Wentz quite likes the Bronx, b) Ashlee Simpson quite likes the Bronx or c) they are both clueless fartwhumps.

Conspiracy theorists, it’s time to go home. We know you got excited when Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson decided to name their baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz because you thought that the only explanation a name that judderingly shit is that it was part of some shadowy Da Vinci Code-style authoritarian cabal. But, really, it’s not that interesting.

It’s not even that the initials of Bronx Mowgli Wentz deliberately spell BMW because Pete Wentz wants a new car. It’s not even that, for God’s sake.

After putting up with literally seconds of idle speculation about why he and Ashlee Simpson settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz – although, to be fair, most of that speculation did revolve around the notion that he and/or Ashlee Simpson had developed some sort of horrible degenerative brain disease – Pete Wentz has had enough. He’s ready to finally tell the world the complex meaning behind Bronx Mowgli Wentz. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Wentz reveals Mowgli was inspired by the lead character in Rudyard Kipling’s classic story, but he’s refusing to reveal why they chose Bronx, also the name of one of New York’s five boroughs. Speaking on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show on Tuesday, Wentz says, “‘The Jungle Book’ was something that me and Ashlee bonded over. It’s a cool name”.

Firstly, congratulations to the San Francisco Chronicle for suggesting that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simspon fell in love over a piece of classic Rudyard Kipling literature instead of the less impressive probable truth – that Ashlee Simpson saw a big dancing bear with coconuts for boobs on a cartoon once and she laughed until a fart came out.

Secondly, that was hardly much of a bloody secret, was it Pete Wentz? “You know the only recorded use of the word Mowgli in any medium in all of history? Yeah, we named him Mowgli because of that.” Thanks for filling us in, Pete. We would have been completely in the dark without your help.

Honestly, you can’t just name your babies after things you like. We happen to like watching lots of degrading pornography, but we’re hardly going to call our children Butt Sluts 4, are we? What if this catches on, Pete Wentz? What if Jessica Simpson falls pregnant and decides that she wants to name the baby after something she likes? Did you ever think of that?

Because, honestly, we’re sure that the last thing Bronx Mowgli Wentz wants is a baby cousin called Shitawful Reality Show Sham Marriage Simpson.

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And there we were thinking that Ashlee Simpson called her baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz because she hates it and wants it to be bullied forever.

How wrong we were. According to some reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz may have settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then they’d have a baby with the initials BMW, vastly increasing the chance of BMW giving the couple a new car as a way of thanking them for the unofficial endorsement of their brand.

But that hasn’t happened. A BMW spokesman has been quoted as saying that Bronx Mowgli Wentz wouldn’t be getting a free car, not even on his 16th birthday. You know what this means, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz? It’s back to the drawing board. In nine months’ time, baby Tassimo Easyjet Argos PlayStation Tizer Wentz is going to turn your luck around!

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. It’s been four days since Ashlee Simpson gave birth to Pete Wentz’s baby and the name still hasn’t sunk in.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. It’s not even a bad name – it’s a name that’s bordering on evil. At least Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt can use his middle name to avoid schoolyard bullying. But what’ll happen if Bronx Mowgli does the same? He’ll not only get beaten up, but he’ll get beaten up by children screaming “Oobee doo, I wanna be like you-ooh-ooh!” into his crying face. And that’s obviously worse.

But still, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz will have a successful future career as the author of several A Child Called It-style misery-lit memoirs entitled things like What Kind Of Idiot Names Their Son Bronx? and My Surname Was Already Wentz, You Didn’t Have To Make My Other Names Stupid Too. And that’s just as well, because Bronx Mowgli Wentz sure as hell isn’t getting a free car out of it.

You see, Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s name is so stunningly bad that some people have felt the need to try and explain it away, because an explanation – any explanation – would help rid them of their fear and confusion. And the most convincing explanation so far is that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz opted for Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then he’d have the initials BMW, which would automatically entitle him to a free car.

But, as someone from TMZ with too much time on their hands discovered, nobody’s getting a free car. Not now, and not in the year 2024 either:

We contacted BMW, who told us: “A new born baby is a magical moment for any family and we are happy that their son shares the same initials as us, but as for a free car on his sixteenth birthday we can not make any promises.”

Now that’s not because giving cars to anyone who happens to have the initials would be a dangerous precedent that would bankrupt the company in months, but because by the time Bronx Mowgli is 16 it’ll take a decade of back-breaking labour just to afford to fill a car with enough petrol to get to the shops and it’d no longer be economically viable.

Either that or because everyone at BMW thinks that Fall Out Boy are a pile of shit. Both theories are perfectly acceptable.

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Since she’s been pregnant for roughly seven years now, Ashlee Simpson has had plenty of time to think up a really stupid baby name.

But not even the biggest advocates of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz‘s thundering lunk-headedness could have been prepared for the sheer life-ruining awfulness of the name that they’ve chosen for the son that Ashlee gave birth to yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce you to little Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

But don’t think that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz chose the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz on a whim – three weeks ago Pete Wentz told Ryan Seacrest that they wanted to meet the baby before they settled on a name. So presumably Bronx Mowgli looks like a cartoon gargoyle and he’ll be raised by animals. We don’t think we need to verbalise what we’re all thinking, do you?

We’re not exactly pregnancy experts, but it’s a fair assumption that Ashlee Simpson’s new baby boy is going to take over the world and as a precaution we should all start digging bunkers in our gardens or nearest municipal open space as quickly as possible.

It only makes sense. By our calculations, Ashlee Simpson was pregnant with Pete Wentz’s baby for the best part of a decade, and that means that the baby probably became so prenatally developed that we expect it looked like naked Arnold Schwarzenegger from the start of Terminator by the time it was born yesterday. As our dear old granny used to say, never trust a baby that’s bigger than you, especially when it’s half-emo.

That’s right – after months of outright lies about how pregnant she was, Ashlee Simpson last night gave birth to her first baby. That’s not particularly a big surprise – Ashlee Simpson has been so baby-logged for the last few weeks that those around her have been quite openly discussing the possibility of inducing labour, and even Pete Wentz tried to scare the baby out by singing at it – but now the baby is here. E! Online reports:

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and her rocker hubby Pete Wentz welcomed son Bronx Mowgli Wentz, their first child together, Thursday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. The baby boy weighed in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces and measured 20 1/2 inches. “Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes,” a rep for the couple told People.

Ah yes, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have chosen to call the baby Bronx Mowgli. How could we forget? Maybe in days to come we’ll discover exactly why Ashlee and Pete chose to name their first son Bronx Mowgli, but for now we’d imagine it’s down to one of three reasons:

1 - Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz both decided to give the baby a name each, with Ashlee picking the name of a symbolically wide-eyed and innocent literary figure and Pete Wentz opting for the name of the band behind classic pop hits such as Shitty Future and Rape Zombie.

2 - Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz decided that the ‘Location + Disney Character’ baby-naming system would be a formula that could easily be reused for any other children they have, which is why Bronx Mowgli’s siblings will be called Chicago Pumbaa and Titty Ho Tramp.

3 - Both Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are actually mental and they hate their baby.

Of course, we’re only joking. It’s obvious why Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz decided to give their firstborn child a name as stupid as Bronx Mowgli. It’s because the child will be so obsessed with trying to work out what in the hell his parents were thinking when they named him that he’ll never get round to counting back nine months from his birthday and working out that his mother and father only got married because daddy knocked mummy up by accident and felt obligated to marry her out of a gnawing sense of guilt.

Clever Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. They’re always one step ahead.

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By our estimates, Ashlee Simpson has now been pregnant for something like 400 years, approximately zero seconds of which have been remotely interesting.

But it’s never too late to start. So how about this – Pete Wentz, the pointy-haired emo tosswump and the father of Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby, has declared himself unofficial musical director of the pregnancy and often sings to the baby in its mother’s womb.

It sounds sweet, but you shouldn’t be so easily fooled – for starters Pete Wentz only sings to his baby now because he knows it hasn’t developed the ability to jam its fingers into its ears yet. Also, in retrospect we might have given you the wrong idea – Pete Wentz doesn’t so much enjoy ‘singing to his unborn baby’ as ‘screaming up Ashlee Simpson’s tumpsy’. We assume.

It can’t be long before Ashlee Simpson gives birth, surely. We’ve lost count of how long she’s been pregnant for, so let’s do some backwards maths and find out. Pete Wentz proposed to Ashlee Simpson back in April, and we know now that he only did that because he accidentally knocked her up and then started to panic about it, so that’s, what, five months?

Christ, really? Ashlee Simpson’s still got another four months of pregnancy to go? That’s depressing. Not for us, you understand – in fact, every second without a magazine coverstory about those two Manga-haired wazzocks and their newborn baby is like an eternity in heaven for us – but for the kid itself.

Why? Because at least once its been born the baby can hide or crawl off or carjack a bus or whatever it takes to get away from Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Right now it’s trapped with them.

Worse still, the baby is encased in a chamber of amniotic fluid inside Ashlee Simpson at the moment. That means that, while it might be mildly irritating for you when Ashlee Simpson prattles on about nothing all the time, for the baby it’s like being trapped in a swimming pool with the wave machine turned on. That’s tantamount to abuse, surely.

But if that’s not enough, the baby also has to listen to Pete Wentz actually singing at it. Wentz has been speaking to People about the musical direction he’s taking the pregnancy in:

“That’s probably going to be all up to Ashlee – what she picks,” Wentz said. “I couldn’t be like, ‘Oh, you’re going through labor, here’s the music I want you to listen to.’ So, it’s whatever she picks.”  That may include his own vocals. Wentz said he sings to the baby “late at night …. Baby’s gotten a couple lullabies.”

Which is all well and good, save for a couple of salient points. First off, Pete Wentz is only the bassist in Fall Out Boy, which means that he’s either got a voice like a burning monkey enclosure or he’s only singing the basslines to the lullabies. Either way, the baby loses.

Secondly, Pete Wentz needs to look out for the latter stages of the third trimester. That’s notoriously when unborn babies start to rebel, so he shouldn’t be surprised if his kid renounces Fall Out Boy as bland pop rubbish and starts getting into My Chemical Romance instead soon.

If you’ve ever been to a wedding, or seen one on the TV, or in a film, or read about them, or just, well, know anything about them at all, you’ll know that before the happy couple can be officially married the priest will say: “If anyone knows reasons why these two can’t be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Whenever that’s said, you know if would be amusing for someone to stand up and say something – be it someone screaming: “I’m pregnant with his child!” or: “he’s a wife beater!” or even the ever-popular: "he gave me some kind of incurable VD on his stag night, and he's quite possibly a vampire!"

Top pop mimer Ashlee Simpson must have been wondering where those people were at her recent wedding, though she probably didn't expect the holding-of-the-peace to be broken by her new husband. Hubby Pete Wentz has only gone and said that he used to indulge in a bit of man love, or holding-of-the-piece, as it were.

But before everyone accuses him of being trapped in the closet, he says it was done as a form of 'sexual rebellion', whatever that means.

Throughout the course of history it’s well documented that various people in society have rebelled: back in the early 1900’s, crazy Emmeline Pankhurst and her gang of suffragettes battled for the female UK vote, Martin Luther King also fought (and died) for the right for black people to vote. These people tried to make a difference in a world they saw as patently unfair, in whatever way they could. What Pete Wentz has achieved through tonguing a couple of his own kind is beyond us.

Perhaps he did it as a part of dare when playing spin the bottle, or maybe he just wants to look a bit harder then he is. However, he doesn’t help himself anymore when he refers to himself as 'half gay'.  Umm, unless it’s us, isn’t that someone who's bi-sexual, like the worldwide superstar Tila Tequila? You know someone who loves boys and girls equally and just wants to spread love like butter on a hot piece of toast?

Of the monumentous revelation, Wentz said:

“When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that.”

Grr, you go get them tiger!

Speculation about whether or not Pete Wentz only married Ashlee Simpson because she was pregnant has been raging on for months – but now the mystery is over.

He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant!

It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn’t confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it’s out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.

Babies are truly magical things. Magical bundles of noise and poo who only grow up to resent you, then move out and never call except for maybe on your birthday if they remember. But maybe that’s something we should let Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson discover for themselves, because they’re about to discover exactly that.

The cat and mouse game where we were the cat and Ashlee Simpson’s pulsating uterus was the unpleasant mouse has now come to an end. Sure, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz put up a good fight, spinning out ridiculous lie after ridiculous lie like ‘Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant‘ and ‘I like to keep some things private‘ and ‘we’re getting married because we love each other‘ – but biology has won out in the end.

Because, before it becomes obvious and Ashlee Simpson starts waddling around everywhere in a bad mood because her back hurts and she keeps accidentally pissing herself, she and Pete Wentz have decided to officially confirm the pregnancy by leaving this statement on a website:

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”

Of course, waiting until the first trimester has passed before making an announcement is the received protocol for a pregnancy, because that’s statistically the most dangerous time for an unborn child. It’s just bad luck that the news was mysteriously leaked around the time that Pete Wentz developed a startled panicky look in his eye and bundled Ashlee Simpson through a sudden engagement into a suspiciously last-minute wedding. We’ll never know how the secret got out.

But this still means that Ashlee Simpson still has six months of pregnancy left, which is plenty of time to make preparations before the baby’s birth. And by ‘preparations’ we obviously mean ‘let Joe Simpson get ready to push it through a merciless childhood-stealing cycle of training and auditions to the obvious detriment of every other aspect of its life’. It’s the Simpson way, we hear.

Still, congratulations to Pete Wentz and especially Ashlee Simpson, who now has six months of explosive uncontrollable tantrums and screaming “Fuck OFF! Can’t you see I’m PREGNANT?” at everyone who comes within 20 feet of her to look forward to. Golden times.

Admit it; when Pete Wentz got married, you thought it was a ploy so Ashlee Simpson could get her claws on the Fall Out Boy millions.

But it wasn’t. The only thing that brought Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson together was love, along with a deep-seated suspicion that at least one of them was pregnant. And to prove it, Pete Wentz has graciously gone public and started spouting off about the sweet pre-nup he got before his wedding.

Phew, at least this means that when Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson invariably get divorced at some point in the next 18 months, the only assets they’ll have to divide will be their earnings from whatever godawful reality TV show they’re bound to want to make soon.

Sweet baby Moses but we’d like to sew up the mouths of the entire Simpson family and anyone affiliated with the Simpson family and lock them all in a cellar. Every day it’s something new with them – either a marriage or an oppressive show of personality or a relationship that won’t die no matter how hard we hit it in the head. And it’s not going to stop yet. Oh no, not while we’re still showing signs of free will for them to trample all over.

Today in the Simpson family saga, we switch back to the Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding. Yes, Ashlee and Pete are a happy couple – definitely in the top 50 cutest emo bassist/ pointless Z-grade pop singer couples of the last year or so – but they still haven’t answered the most pressing question surrounding their marriage.

The pregnancy question? Don’t be silly, that’s boring. We mean that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson haven’t discussed whether they signed a prenuptial agreement prior to their wedding. We just can’t wait to find out how those crazy kids have corrupted the sanctity of marriage by making legal provisions for the division of assets in the event of the couple’s divorce along with any rights to spousal support during or after the dissolution of their union.

Oh, we’ve teased you for long enough – here’s what Pete Wentz has said on the matter, according to the New York Daily News:

“We have signed a pre-nup,” Simpson’s new hubby, Pete Wentz, said on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show Tuesday. The singer and her Fall Out Boy beau tied the knot Saturday in California. According to Wentz, he and Ashlee are skipping the honeymoon and shacking up in their basement in Los Angeles. “We got some blow-up palm trees, a little fake ‘n’ bake tanning booth,” he said. “We’re eating DiGiorno’s pizza … it’s great.”

Wow, who’d have thought that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson would… oh, you seem to have fallen asleep, apparently out of boredom. OK, we’ll leave you be. But we’ll be back tomorrow with even more hot Simpson/ Wentz news. Unless we decide to throw ourselves under a train instead, which would probably be preferable.

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Pete Wentz: ‘We have signed a pre-nup’ – NYDN

Saturday’s Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding may have been the wedding of the year, proving forever that this is a lame-ass year.

But maybe you really do think that the Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding was the wedding of the year. Maybe you genuinely believe that the love between Ashlee and Pete is deep and genuine and true and pure and everlasting. Maybe, in other words, you’re an idiot.

If so then you’ll want to read on, because a whole bunch of new Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding secrets have got out. And, somewhat brilliantly, they all seem to involve Ashlee’s overbearing father Joe Simpson, who was so heavily involved in the whole shebang that you can’t help but sense his disappointment that it wasn’t him getting married to his own 23-year-old daughter. Possibly.

It was the wedding that everyone’s been looking forward to since they realised that it would momentarily distract them from their own inevitable death – Saturday’s Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding. Literally, the wedding was an all-time gold standard for weddings between easily-replaceable members of bands we don’t like and women who we only know because they’re related to excavator-jawed reality TV idiots that only take place because of an accidental unplanned pregnancy.

And what a wedding it was – kept top secret until the last minute just to make it seem more important than it actually was, Pete and Ashlee’s wedding had an Alice In Wonderland theme, where all the guests were deliberately induced with psychoactive micropsia just to make the whole blasted thing more bearable.

What did Ashlee Simpson wear to her wedding? Truth be told we don’t care. Did either Ashlee Simpson or Pete Wentz have the joyful newlywed look about them at any point? We don’t care about that either. We don’t care because it turns out that Joe Simpson, Ashlee Simpson’s father and our new favourite person in the whole world, somehow made the entire wedding about him.

How? E! Online tells you how:

“It was magical and beautiful,” says the guest, who termed the whole affair “The Joe Simpson Show.” After escorting Ashlee down the aisle, Joe Simpson regaled the 100-plus guests with funny and touching stories of his daughter before performing the brief ceremony himself. The elder Simpson got choked up throughout the ceremony, as did Ashlee and Jessica. “They were all crying,” says the source. “It was very moving.”

Genius. Joe Simpson escorted Ashlee Simpson down the aisle, then rushed around and actually performed the wedding ceremony, which was held in his own backyard. Presumably there was a father of the bride speech as well, and we hear that the entire wedding reception entertainment consisted of Joe Simpson muttering to himself through a microphone in a corner.

Of course, we should have seen this coming – word has it that the wedding invites read ‘Joe Simpson presents Joe Simpson and the Joe Simpson family inviting you to the wedding of Joe Simpson’s daughter and Joe Simpson’s future son-in-law. Brought to you in association with Joe Simpson Joe Simpson Joe Simpson fear me fear me (ceremony conducted by Joe Simpson)’.

Joe Simpson’s having quite the time of it lately – not only has has been accused of splitting up Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo but he’s also been the main man at his youngest daughter’s wedding too. Truly, Ashlee Simpson’s wedding has to rank among the happiest days of Joe Simpson’s life, at least until science uncovers a way to create a exact female replica of Joe Simpson that Joe Simpson can marry in front of a congregation of alarmingly-aroused Joe Simpson clones in a church that’s an exact scale replica of Joe Simpson’s own rotating face. But this’ll do until then.

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Inside Ashlee and Pete’s Wedding – E! Online

Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!

We are so good at witch hunts! Let’s try another one: Ashlee Simpson to have an abortion? No, unfortunately, we probably won’t catch that one. Sorry God, it’s over to you.

Poor old Pete Wentz; one minute you’re a single guy in a world famous rock band with endless possibilities ahead of you, having your merry way with a myriad of mentally malnourished girls; the next you’re stuck with just one of those girls, in a legally bound cage, for at least the next 18 years.

What does this signal for the future of humanity? Could this be the end of the band? Will this be the end to Fall Out Boy? Where’s Radioactive Man when you need him? With any luck he’ll be taking his radioactive powers to a gynaecologist near you but, having said that, if ever there was a moral reason to bring another hungry mouth into this world then the destruction of Fall Out Boy would be it.

A spokesperson for the couple told People.com:

We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends

Ashlee Simpson’s big sister Jessica attended with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo (to any UK folk reading, Tony Romo is a man who throws an inflatable egg to other men for money, like Jonny Wilkinson but with padding and tighter pants) and was maid of honour, whilst Pete’s bulldog Hemingway acted as ring bearer.

Ernest Hemingway, who we assume the dog is named after, was of course married four times before he killed himself.

Three cheers for Pete And Ashlee!

Read More – Ashlee Simpson Confirms Pregnancy At Her Wedding, eFlux Media

Everyone loves a nice wedding, don’t they? Or failing that, a mediocre wedding. Or failing that, a wedding between Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.

And it’s a good job that everyone loves that, because it’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are going to get married this very Saturday. We know! It clashes with Norwegian Constitution Day! We’re so torn!

But what about the details of this Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz marriage extravaganza? Has it been officially confirmed? No. Where will it be held? We don’t know. Does this mean that Pete Wentz definitely knocked Ashlee Simpson up? Probably. What if he hasn’t? Then they’re both idiots. How long will this marriage last, anyway? Probably like a week, maybe.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are probably the most adorable couple who you couldn’t give a sloppy plop about in the world right now. But it’s OK that you don’t care whether Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz live or die, because the love they have for each other is personal and private and special and sacred. We know this because they’re all over every single bloody magazine and TV show telling us how private their relationship is all the time, so it must be true.

So keen are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz to keep their love private, in fact, that nobody even knows if Ashlee Simpson is pregnant or not. Although Pete Wentz says she isn’t, reports say she is and Ashlee herself is all like “It’s a secret,” and “It’s personal,” and “Hey, buy my new album.” And this level of frankly unnecessary secrecy even extends to their wedding.

According to reports in US Weekly, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married this Saturday at a location so top-secret that guests are going to be blindfolded, injected with muscle relaxant, spun around for 15 minutes and then driven to the venue on the back of a old-fashioned donkey cart while blasts of white noise are fired into their terrified drooping faces just so it stays as private as they want:

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a “top secret” location, a source close to the couple told Usmagazine.com. “Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice,” the source told Us. On Saturday, “all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location,” the source explained. Regarding Simpson’s upcoming wedding, her spokesperson told Us: “This is a private matter. There is nothing to confirm.”

So, since the spokespeople are acting so cagey, we should really ask the question: Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz really getting married on Saturday at all? And the answer is: We don’t care, and you’re a terrible person if you care.

This is Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz we’re talking about here – the sister of a mildly famous person and the third most important member of a hopeless pop punk band.

If one of them got their jaw kicked off by an angry cow, it’d be hard to bring ourselves to care, so a marriage is hardly going to rock our world, is it?

Still, though, you have to admit that all this secrecy is a little exciting – it’s like the Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon wedding only more thunderingly pointless and even more likely to end in a soul-raping VH-1 reality TV show.

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Source: Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz Will Marry This Saturday - US