Pete Wentz - HecklerSpray

Pete Wentz And Ashlee Simpson Go To Court And Something Something Something

March 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Lisping, limp-wristed rocknut Pete Wentz got divorced from candy floss brained Ashlee Simpson and everyone remembered how surprised they were when they heard the pair were getting married in the first place.

What did some emo ballbag ever have in common with a glazed cherry of a woman? Apart from the mutual simpletonry of course?

Either way, the pair slowly closed their mouths and blinked into the sunlight while it quietly dawned on them that, in fact, they didn’t have a damn thing in common apart from some offspring. So they decided to split and now they’re having incredibly polite arguments in court (the most they’ve ever spoken to each other, ever).

Pete Wentz And Ashley Simpson Are Getting Divorced, Proving That Stupid And Stupid Doesn’t Always Go

February 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have filed for divorce because, in their own sweet way, they’re both insanely irritating and gaspingly thick. C’mon, ‘Champagne For My Real Friend, Real Pain For My Sham Friends’ is a song title so bad that the English language itself has reportedly tried to commit suicide.

Of course, the pair are citing that age-old, trusted reason of ?irreconcilable differences? as the reason for the break-up.

The world mourns the loss of this shining example of everything that is great about humankind, clearly.

Pete Wentz Is Back! Wait… Who?

January 27th, 2011 By Kris Silver

The organisers of Hard Rock Calling, that sort of festival like thing that happens in Hyde Park every summer that isn't the O2 Wireless festival, have decided that former Fall Out Boy bassist and pioneer of the musical equivalent of object d?, Pete Wentz, is a suitable choice for a battle of the bands judge.

Right? RIGHT?

If you're lucky enough to have forgotten the mid noughties, here?s a crash course in all things Pete Wentz:

Pete Wentz Isn’t Selling Photos Of His Stupidly-Named Tot, OK?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone wants to see Bronx Mowgli Wentz – because if the face matches the name then that’s one ugly baby.

But cool your jets, world. Pete Wentz doesn’t roll like those other celebrity idiots. True, he does roll like those other celebrity idiots in that he’s got a stupid haircut, a humiliatingly-named baby and he married one of the Simpson girls without really thinking it through first, but Pete Wentz definitely isn’t selling his baby photos to a magazine.

Bronx Mowgli’s just too precious for that. Plus it’ll mean that now Pete’ll make a crapload from selling the reality TV show rights. A crapload.

Ashlee Simpson Gets $2 Million To Show People Her Stupid Baby

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you’re named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, it’s a given that you’ll end up either in therapy or buying a great big bag of guns.

Both outcomes are hideously expensive – any therapy you had would last for decades and the legal bills you’d rack up from climbing a clocktower and blasting away indiscriminately at strangers for an hour as revenge for the years of teasing would be immense – so it’s just as well that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have already worked out a way to set Bronx Mowgli Wentz up with a fortune.

According to reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz could command anything up to $2 million from magazines in exchange for exclusive photos of the baby. The money would go a long way to help clean up all the gallons of poo, pee, snot and runny vomit that the couple have found themselves living amid this last week. Or they could use it to wipe up the mess that baby Bronx Mowgli made instead. It’s up to them.

Here’s Why Pete Wentz Gave His Son That Stupid Name

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Bronx Mowgli Wentz is a combination of words so stupid that it makes people want to punch themselves in the face just for saying it out loud.

So, by deciding to name his firstborn child Bronx Mowgli Wentz, Pete Wentz opened up a real can of borderline child abuse. In fact, the outrage over the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz has been so huge that Pete Wentz has been forced to explain the vast secrets behind its meaning. Ready to have your minds blown?

OK – he and Ashlee Simpson chose Mowgli as a name because they quite like The Jungle Book. Astounding, we know. But Pete Wentz wants to keep the meaning behind the Bronx part of the name a secret. He won’t have much luck, though, because scientists have already boiled the meaning down to either a) Pete Wentz quite likes the Bronx, b) Ashlee Simpson quite likes the Bronx or c) they are both clueless fartwhumps.

No Free BMW For Baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

And there we were thinking that Ashlee Simpson called her baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz because she hates it and wants it to be bullied forever.

How wrong we were. According to some reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz may have settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then they’d have a baby with the initials BMW, vastly increasing the chance of BMW giving the couple a new car as a way of thanking them for the unofficial endorsement of their brand.

But that hasn’t happened. A BMW spokesman has been quoted as saying that Bronx Mowgli Wentz wouldn’t be getting a free car, not even on his 16th birthday. You know what this means, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz? It’s back to the drawing board. In nine months’ time, baby Tassimo Easyjet Argos PlayStation Tizer Wentz is going to turn your luck around!

Ashlee Simpson Gives Her Baby A Breathtakingly Gormless Name

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Since she’s been pregnant for roughly seven years now, Ashlee Simpson has had plenty of time to think up a really stupid baby name.

But not even the biggest advocates of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz‘s thundering lunk-headedness could have been prepared for the sheer life-ruining awfulness of the name that they’ve chosen for the son that Ashlee gave birth to yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce you to little Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

But don’t think that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz chose the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz on a whim – three weeks ago Pete Wentz told Ryan Seacrest that they wanted to meet the baby before they settled on a name. So presumably Bronx Mowgli looks like a cartoon gargoyle and he’ll be raised by animals. We don’t think we need to verbalise what we’re all thinking, do you?

Call Social Services: Pete Wentz Sings At His Unborn Emo Baby

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

By our estimates, Ashlee Simpson has now been pregnant for something like 400 years, approximately zero seconds of which have been remotely interesting.

But it’s never too late to start. So how about this – Pete Wentz, the pointy-haired emo tosswump and the father of Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby, has declared himself unofficial musical director of the pregnancy and often sings to the baby in its mother’s womb.

It sounds sweet, but you shouldn’t be so easily fooled – for starters Pete Wentz only sings to his baby now because he knows it hasn’t developed the ability to jam its fingers into its ears yet. Also, in retrospect we might have given you the wrong idea – Pete Wentz doesn’t so much enjoy ‘singing to his unborn baby’ as ‘screaming up Ashlee Simpson’s tumpsy’. We assume.

Pete Wentz Used To Have A Gay Old Time

March 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

If you’ve ever been to a wedding, or seen one on the TV, or in a film, or read about them, or just, well, know anything about them at all, you’ll know that before the happy couple can be officially married the priest will say: “If anyone knows reasons why these two can’t be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Whenever that’s said, you know if would be amusing for someone to stand up and say something – be it someone screaming: “I’m pregnant with his child!” or: “he’s a wife beater!” or even the ever-popular: "he gave me some kind of incurable VD on his stag night, and he's quite possibly a vampire!"