Pete Doherty - HecklerSpray

The Libertines Weren’t Just “Drug Taking Idiots” – They Were Tuneless Simpletons As Well

March 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

The bloke who used to be the drummer in The Libertines (no-one cares what his name is) is hoping that a new Libertines film called There Are No Innocent Bystanders will allow people see the band in a different light.

Of course, any right minded person will find out when the screenings are for this film and do us all a massive favour and burn down the screens and everyone in there, who have decided to watch this document of the world’s biggest?syphilitic nincompoops.

If there’s one thing worse than Pete Doherty & Co, its the awful, awful, awful fans.

HecklerPlay: Musicians, Famous For The Wrong Reasons

August 4th, 2012 By Si Sharp

On this week in 2000, Yusuf Islam (previously known as Cat Stevens) joined the campaign to fight the government?s repeal of Section 28.?Section 28 was the ban on homosexuality being ?promoted? in schools. By ?promoted?, what it really meant was ?being told that it existed?.

Those that sought to keep Section 28 thought that it was an essential piece of legislation that was all that stood between the bottoms of our innocent schoolchildren and a queue of 2000 predatory gays with unquenchable erections, such is the uniquely paranoid perspective of the bigoted mind.

Luckily the Section 28 thing has been forgotten and despite his high-profile religious conversion he is still mainly famous for writing some pretty ditties. Other tunesmiths have not been so lucky though and have become better known for other, similarly embarrassing behaviour.*

Forget The Oscar Nominations! The Libertines Have A Documentary Coming Out!

January 25th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Why do people care about The Oscars? The winners get a lousy statue that resembles a gold-plated bottle of bubble bath with a screw top head. Hollywood has run out of ideas and has realised that the game is up, badly remaking Japanese films and adapting stupid books.

But Generation Yoof won't care about classic cinema being revisited will they? They’ve got Skins back on their worthless TVs.

And, worse still, sixth form politicians and literature geeks will all be going weak at the knees as skag wuss and all-round pus-factory Pete Doherty looks to cash in with a documentary based on run of the mill indie act, The Libertines. We expect no highs, just lows.

Pete Doherty Is Being Haunted By The Ghost Of Amy Winehouse (Who Is Slagging His Music Off Too)

November 15th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Repulsive pus hammock, Pete Doherty, has stopped injecting scabs into his arms just long enough to decide that he’s being haunted by the recently deceased Amy Winehouse. No. Honestly. That’s what he’s saying.

The former Libertine and Babyshambler was, of course, friends with Winehouse when she was alive. They probably shared a needle or ten while drinking Tenants Super while passing out in front of Cash In The Attic.

Anyway, he honestly believes that the late singer is visiting his London home in spectral form. Of course, Pete being the delusional dipstick that he is, he’s run off to Paris to get away from this apparition. Surely ghosts can travel to Paris if they’re able to come from the afterlife? Either way, The Ghost Of Winehouse is doing something brilliant – SLAGGING HIS WRETCHED, DERIVATIVE MUSIC OFF!

Pete Doherty Facing 5 Years In Prison Which Will Put An End To His Dreary Music With Any Luck

July 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Syphilitic, limescale covered piss-rocker, Pete Doherty, has done us all a gigantic favour by getting in trouble which could see him getting five years in prison. Half a decade without his plodding, poetry-for-beginners, self-serving, bloated, pus-leaking indie dirge!

Just imagine!

See, this gasping berk who is the single biggest case for legalising Assisted Suicide (or ‘murder’ if you prefer) allegedly broke into a music shop during a night out, where he was invariably surrounded by sycophantic, libertine-tattooed simpletons in porkpie hats, with jaundiced skin and brown teeth, all egging him on to be the rebel that their middle class upbringing could never permit them.

We Forgot To Laugh At Pete Doherty Getting Sent To Prison

May 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Foetid, seeping, singing pus-sac – Pete Doherty – has had his stinkin’ behind hauled into jail after being a complete waste of everybody’s time and energy. Of course, this cements his place as an artistic-martyr to the scum that follow this godforsaken warbler, all now destined to write awful poetry in their mildew riddled hovels.

That’s right folks! The Bedsore Bard has been hoiked out of civilisation toward the nearest clink where he can be beaten up for cigarettes and used as some kind of full-body masturbation tool for randy hooligans!

And all because he really likes having drugs about his person, despite the fact that the police are constantly tapping him on the shoulder for a quiet word. Will his 9 GCSE’s save him now?!

Pete Doherty Launches Jewellery Range Made Of Pus And Loose Teeth

October 19th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Jewellery looks good against human skin doesn’t it? Unless of course, your complexion is similar to freshly opened feta cheese. With ringworm.

Yep, Pete Doherty, who has 5000 GCSEs, is a man who could make the loveliest item of jewellery look like smack-head’s tinfoil down a grid.

But that isn’t stopping the Libertines dingus from launching a luxury jewellery collection alongside former Cartier designer Hannah Martin, who you may remember as being really annoying in Neighbours some years ago.

Pete Doherty Arrested For… Guess What? Being A Pointless Drug Hamper

September 29th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Oh look! How very pissing novel. Pete Doherty is once again adorning these pages because he’s in trouble with the law over drugs charges. One day, he might actually get ’round to making a half decent record and we’ll write about that.

The chances of that, however, are slimmer than his gnarled, eroded septum.

Yes indeed, stumbling puke gland Doherty has been charged with possession of cocaine after a party at which an heiress died of a suspected drugs overdose.

Pete Doherty Rocks Out With His Cock Out

September 7th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

Pete Doherty is the musician?s marmite. You will literally adore everything that comes out of his grimy mouth, or regard him as a useless tosser who contributes as much to society as London types who can't cope with a bit of snow.

Recently, Pete Doherty has been picked as the one that girls want to smoke their first crackpipe with, whilst boys try to zone in and copy his horrible dress sense and vacant gaze. And yet others find his behaviour slightly repulsive. Amazingly we're not alluding to another soul-destroying drug arrest here. Hold on tight ladies – there are photos of Pete Doherty with his wang out on the internet!

Amy Winehouse To Share A House With Pete Doherty? Yeah, Cos That?ll Work

September 2nd, 2010 By Ralph Sanders

The ending of Big Brother (when they actually, you know, get round to taking it off the telly and take it round the back of the Channel 4 shed to cave it's head in with a spade) seems to have created a vacuum of crappy, ill-judged housemates designed to make the average person want to drive a sinusoidal stake through their eye.

Just the other week saw the momentous cultural juggernaut that is Jedward: Let Loose was introduced onto the nation?s screens, provoking dozens of the manufactures of basic building materials to commit suicide, just in case they provided a single brick or sliver of cement to the house that they are living in. Glassmakers, on the other hand are waiting till the end of the series before they start topping themselves, on the off chance that a pane of glass might shatter and stick in one of the twins’ eyes, or shear one of their heads off between vertebrae C3 and C4.

But that's not all. There's another, worse one, round the corner. It features Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty. Ugh, we know.