Well hello there, and good tidings! But let’s just cut the small-talk here before things get all chatty-chatty like what those baby lesbians do off Coronation Street. So, Janet Jackson’s awful.
Hear that, Great Britain? Here that, Janet Jackson’s official fan club underneath all the wild babble?
Oh, quiet down at the front ? JanFan47?! Cease and desist 1nPHATuation! (Amazing.) PIPE DOWN Janhova_Troll_Slayer! Not our words! No! We’d never flirt with incessant mockery and combine that with the Jackson family, what with all that pain and despair they’ve been harboring these past few years.
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PETA, they’re a pesky bunch aren’t they? Whenever an opportunity arises, you know that one of their weak and feeble members will be around to call you nasty names. Such is their obsession with animal rights; they didn’t see The Human Centipede as a gross-out horror film, but as a powerful documentary showing man continuing to push animal experimentation to the limit.
Here in the hecklerspray bedsit, we bloody love animals. As we sit in our leather chair, we pass the time by playing a jolly song on our ivory piano and flicking cigars into our monkey paw ashtray.
If PETA had it their way, they’d make animals the rulers of the world. Until this happens, we’ll have to put up with them whining for a bit longer. Normally we’d ignore them, but sometimes they hire people to spread their word. This time it’s Kelly Brook who has revealed herself to be part-snake. CAN SHE UNHINGE HER JAW?!
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Hey pervs! Think about Pamela Anderson’s boobs for a moment. Got a picture of them in your head? That’s right – they’re the ones that mysteriously float half way up her torso, defying gravity like globules of milk in zero-gravity.
Now imagine them spattered with salty fluid. No. Not that kind of fluid you filthy urchins! We’re talking about great salty tears.
That’s right. Here comes the distressing news that Pamela Anderson cried and threw-up all over the place when she first posed for Playboy.
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Okay. What do we know about Tommy Lee? Firstly, he’s got a massive wang. So big is Tommy Lee’s penis is that it actually has an ankle in the middle of it. We also know that he was in Motley Crue who are one of rock’s more forgettable footnotes. We also know that he’s a toppling dimwit.
And so, add all these things together and add a killer whale into the equation and you’ve got the perfect celebrity story, right? Thick man talks about gigantic, ejaculating member with very little authority, loudly.
Fantastic. So what’s his beef? Well, Tommy doesn’t like the way SeaWorld wank Tilikum with killer whale off. No, seriously. Read More >>>
Sarah Palin’s bloodlust continues to stir up opinions – all of them useless – around the planet. But mostly America. When her new party political broadcast… sorry, sorry, when her new reality show aired – Sarah Palin’s Alaska - everyone took it in turns to either fawn or kick her in the seat of her pants.
Whether it was any good or not, it’s quite startling to watch a former vice presidential candidate wielding a gun, firing it and killing something. More often than not, US politicians are out kissing babies or trying to explain themselves after being caught with their pants down.
Well, Palin shot a caribou and it was only a matter of time before PETA cleared their throats and, in an adenoidal voice, said ‘Excuse me, I think you’ll find we have an opinion on all this actually.’ From the smoking barrel of a moron to the self proclaimed voice of the woodland, could this spat get more irritating if it tried? Read More >>>
Remember when the James Bond films were required viewing every Bank Holiday, he drove awesome cars and had a digital watch that could shoot lasers? And you were 10 years old and everything was completely brilliant?
Then you remember Roger Moore.
Well he’s back, and targeting …. erm. Pate and stuff.
Pierce Brosnan is, we imagine, furious that his news thunder may have been stolen by Moore, what with him soon reappearing on the telly in what sounds like a rubbish version of the Rockford Files. Read More >>>
If Pamela Anderson says something is horrifying, then you’re advised to believe her. Why? Well, here we have a woman who has had sex with some of the ugliest humans alive (Kid Rock, Tommy Lee and Brett Michaels) and worked for a prolonged period with David Hasselhoff.
And so, when she’s not appearing in panto with a bunch of no-marks in Britain, she’s off to Israel to push a political agenda. That sounds sensible doesn’t it? We all know damn well that this part of the country is not the most stable in terms of politics.
Still, at least she’s getting paid loads of money to prance around while she competes in Israel’s version of Dancing with the Stars. Read More >>>
We should preface this with a disclaimer: said balls were most certainly not attached to her dog at the time. Just in case someone were to stumble over here and think Taylor was some dog-setting-on-fire lunatic who would ever do something so cruel.
She would not.
She would, however, have her pet neutered and take the detached items and set them alight in her garden. Because, in the world of Taylor, that would be the lesser of two evils. Read More >>>
