Aren’t we all lucky people right now? Frankie Cocozza is off the streets for the next few weeks so we can all get over that bad bout of crabs that we can’t seem to shift, Adele has a new boyfriend so we might not have a song that isn’t the worst sort of melancholic bollocks available and Lady Gaga has promised us a new album appearing sometime this year.
She doesn’t have name for it yet, and even if she did, we wouldn’t find out about it until she cryptically posted a video entitled ‘le title prologue’ or whatever bollocks language she thinks is so vogue right now, or has all the World’s press stepping on her toes, dying to get the slightest piece of information out of her tightly wound lips.
And we don’t mean the ones that’s-a on her face.
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Oooh, that Lady GaGa is weird isn’t she? She loves letting us all know how weird she is. Or is it needy? We can’t tell the difference anymore. It’s the fault of emo kids. They turned being odd into a lifestyle choice and now we’re all confused. No. Not that kind of confused.
Not that you care. This is not about us. You want to know about Lady GaGa.
See, G’gaa left, reportedly, “large amounts of blood” in a hotel bath. Is it some Satanic ritual? Did she have a particularly nasty period? Is she really terrible at shaving her legs and back? Let us investigate!
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Lady Gaga is the ideal woman for… well… most gay men in the world. Apart from those who think she’s cynically milking the gay purse for all it’s worth. Of course, there are straight people and lesbians who fancy her as well, but all that doesn’t matter.
Bad news for you guys.
See, it appears that GaGa has sidestepped the whole, tired ‘Hur hur, she’s got a penis’ rumours to ‘Hur hur, she’s riding someone else’s penis’ now as she was spotted on a romantic stroll with a Vampire Diaries star. Presumably, they were both wearing crab-claw shoes and sporting hats made from tumble-dryer drums. Just to avoid being conspicuous you understand.
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Hey! Celebrities! What are you giving us plebs for Christmas? No. We don’t want individual gifts from you. That would be stupid. We want something though because, if you didn’t know, Lady GaGa has got us all something.
Yeah. You heard, you tight-fisted, mean-spirited scrooges. You have all that money and time, and what? You’re doing nothing? You know that niggling doubt in your mind? That one that tell you everyone hates you? That one that says you’re transparent and talentless? We know. We’re holding it against you from now.
And all because Lady GaGa could be BOTHERED to get everyone a present while you sat there lording it up like you mean something to someone. What? What’s she getting us? Well…
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Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.
But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.
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The McCartney family have done alright for themselves haven’t they? Weird that those related to a Beatle should make it completely off their own bat, eh? No help from famous papa there at all! Nope. Never.
Anyway, the child that has done the best is Sir Paul McCartney’s daughter Stella. She likes making clothes that you can’t afford.
Now, she’s created a perfume in tribute to her mother, Linda, which is an absolute godsend for people who like to make snide jokes about the deceased.
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Normally when we see the ridiculous antics of groups of girls and younger gays on Twitter, clubbing together to form an online “army” and ruining Trending Topics for everyone, we usually want them all to die in a Lady Gaga inspired fire.
There’s armies for One Direction, Justin Bieber, Cheryl Cole; if you’re a modern popstar cum bumwipe, chances are you’ll have yourself an army of devoted fans eventually.
But what happens when Armies turn bad? Well, that’s what Adele is finding out as she is getting some awful things said about her over Twitter recently. Truthful and hilarious, but still awful things.
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Fashion designers are a funny breed aren’t they? No other profession is full of characters that are religiously followed and praised for their movements. Do you monitor the work your local builder does? Course you don’t you arrogant tool. Do you keep up to date with what a professional footbal- oh.
All you have to do is say the name Marc Jacobs and people who know their stuff will tell you that you won’t be able to fill a wardrobe full of his creations for less than £30. That’s more for the fashion ‘working class’ like us, who’ll have to stick to Primark onesies and tear-stained sweatshirts.
A jumper from Marc Jacobs is likely to set you back £400+. All because people are morons and pay the price for organic, free range camel pubes. You know, as opposed to those ones you get from battery camels.
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