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Jessie J has torn a strip or two off all those people who dared to question the quality on prime time TV’s second favourite show, The X Factor. On which she was awful. Not even a tiny bit awful like this week’s reject, Janet Devlin.
It was worse than if Whitney Houston’s coked almost of existence performance had sexy love bumps with Robbie Williams’ X Factor attempt, died and made Britney Spears’ Womanizer performance its legal guardian.
It was that bad.
The joy of this feature is to bring you music that you might not have heard of before, be it techno created from regenerated lawnmowers or dentists making punk.
This week we’ve reached another first – allow us to introduce you to a band featuring a fully published novelist.
Don’t worry, it’s not JK Rowling, the person who wrote Twilight or the zombie remains of Enid Blyton. If you’re familiar with the works of Joe Stretch, then you should automatically be interested in Performance. Not to be outdone, the other two members of the band also have successful projects in other bands including work with The Whip, Daggers and side-project bands including Kiss In Cities. To say they’re all more productive than us is an understatement.
We knew this day would come, but we never really managed to prepare for it. It’s the day that – God, this is hard – Britney Spears gained self-awareness.
What makes us so sure of this? How about the fact that, despite rumours to the contrary, Britney Spears has refused to perform at this year’s MTV VMAs? Apparently she fears it’ll be a hopelessly incompetent retread of last year’s hopelessly incompetent MTV VMA performance, recently voted the biggest single atrocity to ever happen to mankind by us in a vote in our head just now.
You know what this means, don’t you? Without Britney Spears around, the MTV VMAs is going to be – gulp – professional. Urgh. Seriously, one of the Jonas Brothers had better be planning to soil himself onstage and then slip around in the mess like a baby deer on an ice rink, because right now that’s all we’ve got left to cling to.
Last year’s MTV VMAs marked the precise moment when Britney Spears’ life went from ‘amusingly wonky’ to ‘toe-curling and nightmarish’.
People still talk about Britney’s VMA performance of Gimme More with the glazed tremble of a war survivor. The bikini, the drawn-on stomach, the stumbling, the dire miming – as well as effectively ending Britney Spears’ career for good it also caused up to 300 unwitting viewers to completely lose their eyesight.
Clearly, then, Britney Spears would be stupid to ever return to the MTV VMAs. Worse than stupid, in fact – Britney Spears would be showing such a profound lack of self-awareness that she should be encased in ice and sent around schools as a warning to future generations of the negative effects of celebrity.
So what might Britney Spears do at this year’s MTV VMAs? That’s right. Oh, don’t look so surprised.
Pavarotti was probably the world's most popular fat man. He delighted the elderly around the world as his enormous lungs belted out classical number after classical number.
While we get told that we’ll die unless we loose a few rolls of flab, Pavarotti was celebrated for being a famously fat tenor.
It was well-known before he went to the giant concert hall in the sky that he was suffering from ill health. But the old dog battled through and made a final performance for the Winter Olympics in Turin in 2006. Now the conductor on the night, Leone Magiera, has revealed that the ex-porker was doing an Ashlee Simpson and miming. Though he made it a bit more convincing.
At last night's Grammys the unthinkable happened – yeah, sure, Amy Winehouse won five awards, but that's not what we're talking about.
Amy Winehouse actually managed to sing in tune.
But, yes, Amy Winehouse won five Grammys last night – for Best Record, Best Song, Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Pop Vocal Performance and Best New Artist. And Amy's elation was clear for all the Grammy viewers to see. That's because, at current market value, she'll be able to trade the Grammys in for a big bag of crack on the streets.
As everyone knows, Jessica Simpson is currently infatuated with Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo – which would be great except for the fact that Jessica has made Tony rubbish at everything.
On Sunday the Dallas Cowboys lost an important match against the Philadelphia Knicker-Kickers (or something), with Tony Romo having a particularly bad day. Now, Dallas American Football fans being what they are have studied everything from training to meteorological conditions to Philadelphia's advanced level of man-marking in an effort to try and work out what was to blame for Tony Romo's spectacular drop in form – and they've decided that it's Jessica Simpson's fault. It's all Jessica Simpson's fault. Everything is Jessica Simpson's fault and she smells and walks like a man. Basically.
