As Michael Jackson was born of his mother’s womb while filming a Pepsi commercial with his hair on fire, his main thought was probably about how he’d one day like to inflict that same pain onto his own child.

And now he finally will. As everybody who enjoys watching glittery skeletons dance all about already knows, MJ is having a series of big comeback gigs this summer – and he’s reportedly decided to use the opportunity to launch the career of his 12-year-old son Prince Michael I.

At this time last year Michael Jackson was just a guy who enjoyed dressing like a woman while applying makeup to his face in public Bahraini women’s bathrooms. An awful lot has changed since then, though. For instance he’s not in Bahrain right now. Another thing that’s changed is that people are once again willing to give him money. This is great news for all of his bleeding giraffes. With Jackson’s new found income its possible they can once again afford to scab properly.

This summer as Jackson plays at the London O2 Arena, over one million people will have seen his knees creek dozens of times while he tries unsuccessfully to slide his feet backwards in a smooth manner by the time of the final curtain call. One million is a huge number – and Jackson probably realises that. We said probably. That’s why he’s going to use that opportunity to launch his oldest son into the musical spotlight.

If what the Daily Star says is true, then:

“Pop legend Michael Jackson is set to introduce a surprise special guest at his first London show – his son Prince Michael I. The lad, 12, will make his stage debut at the O2 Arena after being hidden from the world for years. Jacko, 50, has covered his three children in blankets and masks for most of their lives. But he is set to unveil Prince Michael to the world as he carries on the Jackson showbiz family tradition.”

We can hear the conversation now – backstage Prince Michael I (PMI) will be enjoying a nice video game while his dad comes in winded for a costume change and says:

Jacko: Get out there son. It’s your turn.

PMI: Buuuut Daaaaad! I don’t wanna do the zombie dance!

Jacko: (changing his shirt) Just get out there and do the zombie!

PMI: I don’t wanna!

Jacko: (changing his pants) Fine, then no more alleged wine-filled sleepovers for you at other adult males’ houses.

Then PMI sulks to the stage and does the zombie dance, but the audience can tell his heart’s not in it.

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Ah, the old 'I really like their early stuff' cliche.

You make it big, you keep on doing what you do, and sooner or later people start complaining that you're just not as good as you used to be. Surely every artist has to battle against this at some point? Woody Allen, for example, even went so far as to reference the concept in his film Stardust Memories, while we have it on good authority that the bloke from Babylon Zoo spends five hours every day crying over his framed gold disc of Spaceman, howling 'I could have been a god' and scaring away the postman.

You want to know who else is sick of having their early stuff dredged up again and again? Menopausal groovester Madonna, that's who. And she's so goshdarn annoyed that she's never, ever, ever going to play any of her old songs ever, ever again.

Oh – unless someone gives her a shitload of money.

Speaking to New York radio station Z100 FM, Madge moaned that:

“I'm not sure I can sing 'Holiday' or 'Like A Virgin' ever again. I just can't – unless somebody paid me like $30 million or something. Like if some Russian guy wants me to come to the wedding he's going to have to a 17-year-old, you know it."

$30 million to perform Like A Virgin? A horrifying thought, and one which would surely have dire implications for the global economy. With that amount of money being bandied around, we may well be entering a world in which financial value is determined by eighties pop songs.

Therefore a performance of Club Tropicana would be enough to buy you a three-bedroom semi-detached house in Sussex, a quick singalong of Never Gonna Give You Up would net you a used car in decent condition, and a recital of Shaddup Ya Face would be able to get you a bus ride from Luton to Watford.

Just don't go singing it once you get there, okay? There's more of an Agadoo vibe going on round those parts.

Read More:

Madonna Needs 30 Million To Perform Early Hits – Gigwise