The People’s Choice Awards are, no question, the most reflective awards ceremony of what people actually like. There’s no panel of sneering critics and judges to give some indie film the nod over That Thing Everyone On Earth Watched.

It’s unashamedly populist, which of course, means that it is probably the best of the bunch. Not only that, but the awards are voted for by humans, as opposed to ‘experts’. It’s a lovely and wonderful thing, designed to irritate people like us.

And The People’s Choice Awards announced their nominees and, it won’t surprise you one bit that The Twilight Saga: Eclipse bagged the most nominations, as well as Justin Bieber getting a good look too.

The Twilight thing leads the pack with eight nominations -  Favorite Movie, Favorite Drama Movie, Favorite Movie Actor (Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner), Favorite Movie Actress (Kristen Stewart), Favorite On Screen Team (Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner), and Favorite Movie Star Under 25 (Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson).

Glee also bagged a load of nods, with five nominations for Favorite TV Comedy, Favorite TV Comedy Actress (Jane Lynch), Favorite TV Comedy Actor (Matthew Morrison), and Favorite TV Guest Stars (Britney Spears and Neil Patrick Harris).

Anyway, enough of all that. Here’s a really, really long list of nominations to read. Seriously. It’s the longest list you’ll ever read in your whole life. 10 hecklerspray points to anyone who manages to get through the list without wanting to kill themselves.

FAVOURITE MOVIE

Toy Story 3
Alice in Wonderland
Inception
Iron Man 2
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

FAVOURITE ACTION MOVIE
Salt
Robin Hood
Kick-Ass
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

FAVOURITE DRAMA MOVIE
The Social Network
Alice in Wonderland
Dear John
Inception
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

FAVOURITE FAMILY MOVIE
Despicable Me
The Karate Kid
Toy Story 3
How to Train Your Dragon
Shrek Forever After

FAVOURITE COMEDY MOVIE
Date Night
Grown Ups
Easy A
Sex and the City 2
Valentine’s Day

FAVOURITE HORROR MOVIE
The Crazies
The Last Exorcism
Let Me In
Resident Evil: Afterlife
A Nightmare on Elm Street

FAVOURITE MOVIE ACTOR
Robert Downey Jr.
Taylor Lautner
Johnny Depp
Robert Pattinson
Leonardo DiCaprio

FAVOURITE MOVIE ACTRESS
Angelina Jolie
Jennifer Aniston
Julia Roberts
Katherine Heigl
Kristen Stewart

FAVOURITE ACTION STAR
Angelina Jolie
Robert Downey Jr.
Bradley Cooper
Jackie Chan
Jake Gyllenhaal

FAVOURITE COMEDIC STAR
Adam Sandler
Drew Barrymore
Steve Carell
Tina Fey
Will Ferrell

FAVOURITE MOVIE STAR UNDER 25
Emma Watson
Kristen Stewart
Robert Pattinson
Vanessa Hudgens
Zac Efron

FAVOURITE ONSCREEN TEAM
Tina Fey and Steve Carell, Date Night
Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Dileep Rao and Tom Hardy, Inception
Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Robert Downey Jr. and Don Cheadle, Iron Man 2
Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan, The Karate Kid

FAVOURITE TV DRAMA
Gossip Girl
Grey’s Anatomy
The Good Wife
The Vampire Diaries
House

FAVOURITE TV COMEDY
Glee
How I Met Your Mother
The Big Bang Theory
Modern Family
Two and a Half Men

FAVOURITE TV DRAMA ACTOR
Hugh Laurie
Chace Crawford
Ian Somerhalder
Patrick Dempsey
Taye Diggs

FAVOURITE TV DRAMA ACTRESS
Sandra Oh
Blake Lively
Julianna Margulies
Lisa Edelstein
Kate Walsh

FAVOURITE TV COMEDY ACTOR
Alex Baldwin
Matthew Morrison
Jim Parsons
Neil Patrick Harris
Steve Carell

FAVOURITE TV COMEDY ACTRESS
Alyson Hannigan
Jane Lynch
Tina Fey
Eva Longoria
Courteney Cox

FAVOURITE TV CRIME DRAMA
Bones
Criminal Minds
Law & Order: SVU
Lie to Me
NCIS

FAVOURITE TV CRIME FIGHTER
Emily Deschanel, Bones
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
Mark Harmon, NCIS
Simon Baker, The Mentalist
Tim Roth, Lie to Me

FAVOURITE TV OBSESSION
Dexter
Pretty Little Liars
White Collar
Burn Notice
True Blood

FAVOURITE TV TALK SHOW HOST
Conan O’Brien
Chelsea Handler
Oprah Winfrey
Ellen DeGeneres
George Lopez

FAVOURITE TV SCI-FI/FANTASY
Fringe
Smallville
Supernatural
The Vampire Diaries
True Blood

FAVOURITE TV COMPETITION SHOW
American Idol
Dancing With the Stars
America’s Got Talent
So You Think You Can Dance
Hell’s Kitchen

FAVOURITE TV GUILTY PLEASURE
Jersey Shore
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
Keeping Up With the Kardashians
The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Tosh 2.0

FAVOURITE TV GUEST STAR
Neil Patrick Harris, Glee
Betty White, Community
Britney Spears, Glee
Demi Lovato, Grey’s Anatomy
Carrie Underwood, How I Met Your Mother

FAVOURITE TV DOCTOR
Sandra Oh as Cristina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy
Ellen Pompeo as Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
Patrick Dempsey as Derek Shepherd, Grey’s Anatomy
Hugh Laurie as Gregory House, House
Robert Sean Leonard as James Wilson, House

FAVOURITE TV FAMILY
The Griffins, Family Guy
The Harpers, Two and a Half Men
The Pritchetts/Dunphys, Modern Family
The Scavos, Desperate Housewives
The Simpsons, The Simpsons

FAVOURITE FAMILY TV MOVIE
Beauty & The Briefcase
Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam
ICarly: IPsycho
Revenge of the Bridesmaids
Starstruck

FAVOURITE TV CHEF
Bobby Flay
Gordon Ramsay
Jamie Oliver
Paula Deen
Rachael Ray

FAVOURITE NEW TV DRAMA
Blue Bloods
Chase
The Defenders
Detroit 1-8-7
The Event
Hawaii Five-0
Hellcats Nikita
Law & Order: Los Angeles

FAVOURITE NEW TV COMEDY
Better With You
$#*! My Dad Says
Mike & Molly
No Ordinary Family
Outsourced
Raising Hope
Running Wilde
MUSIC

FAVOURITE MALE ARTIST
Eminem
Enrique Iglesias
Michael Bublé
Tim McGraw
Usher

FAVOURITE FEMALE ARTIST
Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Carrie Underwood
Pink
Taylor Swift

FAVOURITE COUNTRY ARTIST
Lady Antebellum
Carrie Underwood
Keith Urban
Rascal Flatts
Taylor Swift

FAVOURITE BREAKOUT ARTIST
Justin Bieber
Selena Gomez & The Scene
Ke$ha
Bruno Mars
B.O.B.

FAVOURITE HIP-HOP ARTIST
Eminem
Drake
Jay-Z
Ludacris
Snoop Dogg

FAVOURITE ROCK BAND
Daughtry
Linkin Park
Nickelback
Maroon 5
Paramore

FAVOURITE SONG
“Airplanes,” B.O.B. featuring Hayley Williams
“California Gurls,” Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg
“Love the Way You Lie,” Eminem featuring Rihanna
“OMG,” Usher featuring Will.i.am
“Telephone,” Lady Gaga featuring Beyoncé

FAVOURITE R&B ARTIST
Alicia Keys
Beyoncé
Mary J. Blige
Ne-Yo
Usher

FAVOURITE POP ARTIST
Katy Perry
Beyoncé
Lady Gaga
Pink
Rihanna

FAVOURITE MUSIC VIDEO
“Baby,” Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris
“Love the Way You Lie,” Eminem featuring Rihanna
“Teenage Dream,” Katy Perry
“Telephone,” Lady Gaga featuring Beyoncé
“Waka Waka,” Shakira

FAVOURITE WEB CELEB
Jimmy Fallon
Betty White
Alicia Keys
Katy Perry
Teri Hatcher

FAVOURITE VIRAL VIDEO STAR
Giant Double Rainbow
Greyson Chance “Paparazzi”
Madison Square Park Proposal
“Single Ladies” Devastation
Tarp Surfing

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Interesting results from last night’s People’s Choice Awards – unflinching war drama The Hurt Locker won Best Movie.

That’s a lie. Twilight won Best Movie. Because, you know, it’s the People’s Choice Awards so – unlike the Oscars – it’s voted for by a smattering of clattering idiots as opposed to people who don’t bafflingly equate a movie’s quality with the amount of bad-haired, sad-eyed teenage vampires that can be shoehorned into it.

But why do so many bad things win so many People’s Choice Awards? You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve managed to crack the code. All is revealed below…

We’ve got it. We’ve finally got it. After years of staring dumbfounded at the People’s Choice Awards as Johnny Depp won awards for films he made three years ago, or generic country who are utterly indistinguishable from all other generic country acts won Best Musical Group awards, or American Idol won anything, we think we’ve finally cracked it.

Sure, we may have previously thought that the People’s Choice Awards was just a hollow, meaningless, ephemeral show where mouth-breathing middle Americans simply voted for the thing that had received the most daytime television advertising as opposed to the thing they liked best, but not any more.

As the results of last night’s People’s Choice Awards prove, there’s actually a highly sophisticated algorithm at work here, based on a complex filtration system. Here’s the cast-iron decision-making process behind the People’s Choice Awards voting, along with last night’s winners to back the theory up:

QUESTION ONE: DOES IT DIRECTLY INVOLVE VAMPIRES?

Favourite Movie: Twilight

Favourite On-Screen Team: Twilight

Favourite Franchise: The Twilight Saga

Favourite Breakout Movie Actor: Taylor Lautner

Favourite New TV Drama: The Vampire Diaries

Favourite Sci-Fi Fantasy Show – Supernatural

Favourite TV Obsession: True Blood

If not, move on to question two.

QUESTION TWO: DOES IT INDIRECTLY RELATE TO VAMPIRES?

Favourite Rock Band: Paramore (From the Twilight soundtrack)

Favourite Female Artist: Taylor Swift (Rumoured sort-of girlfriend of Twilight‘s Taylor Lautner)

If not, move on to question three.

QUESTION THREE: CAN THE AWARD BE GIVEN TO SOMEBODY WHO YOU SECRETLY WISH WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND?

Favourite Movie Actress: Sandra Bullock

Favourite Comedy Movie: The Proposal

Favourite Action Star: Hugh Jackman

Favourite Country Artist: Carrie Underwood

Favourite Talk Show: The Ellen DeGeneres Show

Favourite TV Drama Actress: Katherine Heigl

Favourite TV Drama Actor: Hugh Laurie

Favourite TV Drama: House

If not, move on to question four.

QUESTION FOUR: CAN THE AWARD BE GIVEN TO SOMEONE A FEW YEARS PAST THEIR BEST BUT AT LEAST YOU’VE HEARD OF?

Favourite Comedic Actor: Jim Carrey

Favourite Male Artist: Keith Urban

Favourite R&B Artist: Mariah Carey

Favourite Hip-Hop Artist: Eminem

If not, move onto question five.

QUESTION FIVE: CAN YOU VOTE FOR ANYONE BECAUSE YOU HEARD YOUR KIDS MENTION THEM A COUPLE OF TIMES AND YOU THINK THAT VOTING FOR THEM WILL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A MORE ATTENTIVE PARENT?

Favourite Independent Movie: Inglourious Basterds

Favourite Pop Artist: Lady Gaga

Favourite Breakout Music Artist: Lady Gaga

Favourite Breakout Movie Actress: Miley Cyrus

Favourite Music Collaboration: Run This Town

Favourite New TV Comedy: Glee

If not, move on to question six.

QUESTION SIX: HAVE YOU GIVEN ANYTHING TO JOHNNY DEPP YET?

Favourite Actor: Johnny Depp

There. Now we’ve solved this puzzle for you, you need never watch another People’s Choice Awards ceremony ever again. If you’re going to thank us, thank us with cash.

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If you’ve been waiting for the proper time to start the Dark Knight backlash, then we’ve got some good news for you.

Last night The Dark Knight swept the People’s Choice Awards – the most white-bread, gonkishly populist, helmet-wearing awards show in the world. In other words, The Dark Knight is the film that fans of Kid Rock, Kate Hudson and Two And A Half Men like best.

In essence, this makes The Dark Knight the new Pirates Of The Caribbean – good news for anyone who wanted Batman 3 to feature three hours of Christian Bale running around pulling self-consciously barmy faces all the time.

Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of The Dark Knight‘s Oscar hopes packing their suitcases and leaving town. It’s impossible for The Dark Knight to win any Oscars now. It has to be. Because the law quite clearly states you can either win People’s Choice Awards or Oscars, and The Dark Knight has just won five People’s Choice Awards.

Why can’t you win both? Simple – the Oscars are voted for by people who want to prove how deep they are, which is why they’re always won by serious films about Catholic paedophilia and the Holocaust that people never watch. Meanwhile the People’s Choice Awards are voted for by people, who we all know are universally stupid.

That’s why, at last night’s People’s Choice Awards, Ellen DeGeneres was voted better than David Letterman, Adam Sandler was voted better than Steve Carell and Two And A Half Men won a category that 30 Rock wasn’t even nominated for.

The biggest winner of the night, though, was The Dark Knight – the film that started off as a moody, complex, morally ambiguous thriller and ended up as the film that every moron on Earth quotes to one another at the office because they went to see it 17 times in a row. AP reports:

“The Dark Knight” soared away with every trophy it was nominated for Wednesday at the 35th annual fan-favorite CBS ceremony. The caped crusader flick won five awards, including favorite cast, superhero, action movie and on-screen matchup for Christian Bale’s Batman and the late Heath Ledger’s Joker. “On behalf of all of the cast from the movie, thank you very much to the fans,” said Bale. “Here’s to Heath.”

Of course, just because The Dark Knight won a lot of People’s Choice Awards, that doesn’t make it a bad film – just a film that gained an unexpectedly populist audience. It’s a bit of a worry, actually – how is Christopher Nolan expected to keep his crown as a bravely visionary director when his movies get embraced by the dribbling public so easily? At this rate the only way he’ll be able to hang on to his credibility is to make Batman 3 a 15-hour-long slowed-down single shot of a disturbed old lady cutting away at her clothes with a pair of kitchen scissors.

Or maybe – just maybe – we’re reading too much into this. After all, everybody knows that the People’s Choice Awards lost all their credibility when they dropped the Nice ‘N Easy Fans Favourite Hair prize.

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If awards season is a family then the Oscars are obviously the father and the Golden Globes are the slightly tarty aunt who your mum never really gets on with.

And the People's Choice Awards? Well, the People's Choice Awards are the annoying shit-thick brat of a crosseyed kid who needs to be constantly dosed up to the wazoo on Ritalin to stop him from crapping on the rug, cutting his own hair with the electric carver or flushing the dog down the toilet.

How do we know this? Because at the People's Choice Awards last night Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 won Best Film. Even though it was obviously awful.

This has been a particularly austere awards season, for all sorts of reasons. Firstly, the ongoing writers' strike has forced the cancellation of some of the bigger shows since no actor wants to be seen crossing a picket line. Not that they'd have been fun shows anyway, because the big winners so far have either been a film about an angry oilman, a film about a funny-coiffed man killing people or a dickhead dying in the snow.

But forget about what these so-called experts think about films, because they know nothing – the People's Choice Awards are where it's at. 'It' obviously being a high-profile demonstration that collectively the public is about as clever and well-informed as that kid you went to school with who ate nothing but tissue paper at lunchtime.

The People's Choice Awards took place last night in slightly different circumstances than usual. Where the awards usually consist of a whizz-bang star-studded affair where all sorts of famous people turn up and watch Johnny Depp win loads of stuff for Pirates Of The Caribbean, this year the writer's strike meant that the People's Choice Awards just consisted of Queen Latifah presenting a hastily-compiled clip-show featuring filmed acceptance speeches from the winners, with nobody around to see Johnny Depp win loads of stuff for Pirates Of The Caribbean.

This year the big winner at the People's Choice Award was Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, despite the fact that it was 15 hours long and made no sense whatsoever. Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 won Favourite Movie, Best Male Movie Star, Favourite Threequel and Best Female Action Star, with that last award probably going to Orlando Bloom or something.

But although it had the strongest showing, Pirates Of The Caribbean didn't win all the People's Choice Awards. Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix won Best Female Movie Star and Best Leading Man respectively. Although you might assume that they won these awards for Walk The Line, that couldn't possibly be true because the movie was released three years ago. So instead we can only assume that Reese Witherspoon won her award for her performance in watched-by-nobody political thriller Rendition, while Joaquin Phoenix won his award for his slurred, near-incomprehensible performance in the painfully dull We Own The Night.

Other People's Choice Awards winners included Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix (the worst-ever Harry Potter film), Shrek The Third (the worst-ever Shrek film), Drew Barrymore (star of two of 2007's worst films) and Ocean's Thirteen (the worst thing we have ever paid to experience in our entire lives).

Of course, even though the People's Choice Awards are called the People's Choice Awards, it doesn't necessarily mean that all the people get to choose the winners. We didn't, for example, and in the past we've been referred to as people at least three times. Chances are you didn't vote either. So let's all push for a retitling next year that better reflects the voters – we want to see 2009 become the Awards Chosen By The People Who Get Easily Distracted By Shiny Objects, Can't Tell If A Patio Door Is Open Or Closed Before They Try To Walk Through It And Probably Have Nonironic Mullets.

Read more:

People Still Love Pirates - E! Online