Beauty, as we all know, is on the inside. If it’s on the inside of a leggy blonde woman, we’ll have to make do.

Christina Applegate is a leggy blonde woman. But that’s not why she’s just been named as number one in People magazine’s Most Beautiful list. Christina Applegate has been named as number one in the Most Beautiful list because she’s beaten cancer. Breast cancer, mind you, not one of those cancers that makes your head all bald and face look all weird. Ugh.

Also in the Most Beautiful list, Zac Efron. He’s such a pretty little girl.

Without question, the day that People’s Most Beautiful list comes out is the best day of the year. We don’t know about you, but if we weren’t annually reminded that there are a group of people who are infinitely better looking than us, infinitely richer than us and who experience infinitely more happiness, sexual activity and levels of relaxation that we could ever even imagine, then we’d probably throw ourselves off a bridge or something. Honestly.

It’s testament to how much People magazine cares about us that it still publishes the Most Beautiful list in this time of financial uncertainty. True, it’d be cheaper and just as effective to publish one magazine a year where every page reads ‘YOU ARE SCUM’, ‘YOUR FACE OFFENDS US’, ‘WHAT’S THAT SMELL? OH, IT’S YOU’ and ‘WHY DON’T YOU KILL YOURSELF. WHY DON’T YOU LITERALLY GO AND ACTUALLY KILL YOURSELF, YOU DISGUSTING UGLY BASTARD. GO ON. LITERALLY KILL YOURSELF. CUT YOUR FACE UP WITH KNIVES FIRST, THOUGH, BECAUSE THE CORONER STILL HAS TO LOOK AT YOU. UGH’ in massive type, but it still goes the extra mile. We love you, People magazine.

And since the last two people named as People’s Most Beautiful person of the year were the skinny blonde actresses Kate Hudson and Drew Barrymore, the magazine has decided to mix up the formula this time and give the award to Christina Applegate, the woman primarily famous for being a skinny blonde actress.

Actually, that’s a little unfair. In the last year, Christina Applegate has overcome a gigantic personal hurdle by beating breast cancer. And in a way, that makes her even more beautiful. Not because we subscribe to the belief that true beauty only reveals itself through struggle, but because her new fake bangers are quite sexy. People reports:

The Samantha Who? actress, 37, underwent a double mastectomy, followed by reconstructive surgery. “It’s a decision that you made to save your life,” she says, noting one positive effect: “I don’t have to wear a bra! They don’t hang down to my knees like they did before. And the gals look good in tank tops.”

So who else made it onto People’s Most Beautiful list? Why, Halle Berry, everyone from 90210, Freida Pinto, Christina Aguilera, Michelle Obama, Taylor Swift and Zac Efron, to name but a few. Who’s the odd one out in this list? It’s Zac Efron, of course. He’s the only one on the list who has never experienced a recognisable human emotion.

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Although they were born in the summer, Ricky Martin has decided to show off his baby twins Valentino and Matteo for the first time in People, while describing exactly how spiritual he feels when they smile or cry or poo or whatever.

Ricky Martin is raising the twins alone as a single father, so they obviously won’t be breastfed. Not because Ricky is a man and therefore can’t lactate, but because his nipples are probably already manky and chewed up and stuff.

Previously, if Ricky Martin ever invited you to take a look at his twins, you’d be well advised to run like hell before he either got his nipples or testicles out and introduced you to them by name. We don’t know if he does that or not, by the way, but he does give off that kind of vibe, doesn’t he?

But if Ricky Martin asks if you want to see his twins now, you’re probably a bit safer because he has actually become the father of twins – two boys born in the summer named Valentino and Matteo. True, the babies might just be an elaborate front for the testicle-baring set-up of his that we’ve obviously just invented, but let’s not go too far down that road, eh?

Anyway, it’s been a few months since Ricky Martin fathered his twins, and Ricky, children and Surrogate Female Birthing Pod 765-N are doing well enough for Ricky to show the kinds off in the new edition of People magazine, as AP reports:

Says Martin: “I’m so happy! Everything they do, from smiling to crying, feels like a blessing. Being a father feels amazing. This has been the most spiritual moment in my life.” And Martin says: “I’m the one who changes the diapers, the one that feeds them, the one that bathes them, the one that puts them to sleep.”

Ah yes, we believe it’s in the Bible that the essence of spirituality is defined as ‘waking up in the morning with a bad stomach and having to open a shit-filled nappy that smells like a backed-up sewer line on the Equator and then wiping up the overnight poo-smear off the buttocks of a tiny screaming ungrateful animal that’s simultaneously squirting a hot jet of piss into your eye’. Matthew 3:16, if we remember correctly.

But good for Ricky Martin for not playing by the celebrity baby rulebook. He deserves the money that People magazine is paying him for the baby pictures. That money, incidentally is, wait, let’s work this out… Angelina Jolie sold pictures of her twins for $14 million… divide that by the amount of time since people last thought of Ricky Martin as a celebrity… minus a mother… carry the three…

Oh, our calculations say that Ricky Martin is actually paying People to publish the pictures. Our mistake. Congratulations anyway, we guess.

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But that didn’t stop People this week. In its new issue, Kevin Federline has decided to open up for the first time about what ended his marriage to Britney Spears. Was it because Britney went barmy? Was it because Kevin Federline is a bloodsucking redneck? Ooh, we’re excited!

Anyway, it seems like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have patched up their differences – Britney has even made sure she released her big comeback album to coincide with Kevin’s weird, parasitic little interview. Heartwarming!

It’s fair to say that Kevin Federline got the bum deal in his divorce from Britney Spears. Yes, Britney might have been the one who had a full-on psychiatric meltdown and literally ended up being slung into a padded cell against her wishes, but that meant that Kevin Federline had to look after the children they had. And those little buggers can swear!

What’s more, by being the primary carer for Sean Preston and Jayden James, Kevin Federline also found that the public’s perception of him was changing. Kevin was no longer the idle layabout with such epic delusions about his own talent that at one point he was literally writing the film of his own life, but something close to responsible parent who wants the best for his children.

And this made Kevin Federline angry. Responsible? Caring? That’s not who K-Fed is at all! So, to fight back and show the world that he’s still the same opportunistic, untrustworthy-looking cornrowed streak of yokel tosspiss that he’s always been, Kevin Federline has taken the biggest step available to him, short of re-releasing Popozao.

That’s right – Kevin Federline has decided to openly discuss the break-up of his marriage to Britney Spears for the first time on the same day that Britney’s new album is released in America. Oh, and he’s also done a photoshoot for the cover of the magazine carrying the interview co-starring the children that Britney isn’t allowed to see much of in case she has a psychiatric relapse and injures one of them. What a lovely man.

But, credit where credit’s due, in the interview Kevin Federline hasn’t simply taken the easy option and blamed Britney Spears for the break-up of their marriage. No, Kevin Federline has instead looked the situation dead in the eye and bravely and honestly pinned it all on his stupid kids. Kevin told People:

It’s hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I’d become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important. I didn’t give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn’t even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.

OK, so he was blaming Britney Spears a bit as well as his kids. Sorry.

But, hey, at least we know what happened now. And maybe, now that he’s said his piece, Kevin Federline will slink away into the background again and it’ll be the last we hear from him. Apart from when Britney Spears decides to release the deluxe version of Circus in the middle of next year, because then he’ll obviously need to do another interview about how much of an unfit mother he thinks Britney is. He is only human, after all.

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It must be true, because Hugh Jackman has just been named as People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But wasn’t Matt Damon named the sexiest man alive by People magazine last year?” And the answer is yes. Yes he was. But following Matt Damon’s tragic death before the release of The Dark Knight this year, it’s time to pick a new Sexiest Man Alive. And that man is Hugh Jac… wait, we were thinking of Heath Ledger weren’t we? Whoops.

Anyway, why is Hugh Jackman People’s Sexiest Man Alive? Because he’s got a film out, that’s why. Any other reasons? Probably not, no.

People’s Sexiest Man Of The Year award has become a proud tradition in recent years – a proud tradition where the list is published on the internet and we look through it as fast as we can before angrily punching stuff because we’re not in the top 15 even though both Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell and Michael Phelps are, despite Michael Phelps having a face that objectively looks like a spatchcock.

But anyway, bitterness aside, it would appear that 2008 would be a good year to be Hugh Jackman. For, having wrestled the mantle from Matt Damon and George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey, Hugh Jackman has been named as the Sexiest Man Alive. And here’s People magazine’s gushing description of Jackman, just to make all the men in the world understand as clearly as possible that they’re gruesome uggos compared to him:

At 6-foot-2, all scruff and biceps, Hugh Jackman looms large in the epic “Australia,” which he says kept him “dirty 95 percent of the time” and left people stammering, “Oh … my … God,” according to costar Nicole Kidman, who adds, “Women’s jaws drop when Hugh walks into a room.”

Well, not all women’s jaws, obviously – thanks to all the Botox that she looks like she’s had, the only way that Nicole Kidman can drop her jaw these days is with the aid of a hairdryer and a mechanical jack – but that’s beside the point.

Of course Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man alive. Who can forget his sexy magnetism in the X-Men movies and, um, you know, his other films. Like, oh, you know, that film about the magician. And the film where Halle Berry took her top off. And, oh, the film about the rats in the toilet! He was good in that.

And we’re certain that Hugh Jackman will be good in that Australia film that’s coming out. You know, that new film that was plagued by early casting and filming difficulties and that’s been getting some bad early reviews lately and would probably do anything to get some decent publicity, even getting their star named in a magazine’s pointless list of sexy actors.

Yeah, we’re sure he’s great in that.

And, yes, it’s bitterness. Shh.

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Well, you’re wrong. Because they’ve finally gone and released pictures of the A-list couple’s bundle of gametes – though fortunately there doesn’t seem to be a Bono in sight. That would be too much.

Popping up on Hello! and People over the weekend, the images show… some famous people with their newborn kids. Seriously – what did you expect? Hecklerspray hoped the photos would include explosions, a car chase et al, but those hopes were well and truly dashed on their release. Typical.

And to confound matters further it gets leaked that these pictures cost the magazines $14 million dollars. Now, granted, that’s only about £20 with today’s exchange rate – but the fact remains that a staggering amount of cashmoney was paid for some pictures. Of some young children. To show to people who have no actual connection with said children.

Rather than getting annoyed at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, for once we’re going to turn and pour scorn on everyone else in the world. Because, apparently, we live in a world where it is a sound business practice to pay fourteen million dollars for some pictures of some kids. Christ – we can’t even be annoyed at mum and dad as they’ve gone and donated their fee to charity, rather than throw it on their Scrooge McDuck-sized pile.

After the four-decade pregnancy, the ‘has she-hasn’t she had them’ crap that circulated when the couple ran off to France followed by the frighteningly standard names dished out to the sprogs, it comes as something of a disappointment that Brad and Angelina can’t top the whole saga off with a grand gesture.

Not that donating $14 million to charity isn’t a grand gesture – we just mean a grand gesture that we’d like to see. Like giving their good pals hecklerspray a few million to cover the bills (credit crunch, you see). Or by using the money to have a giant cannon built on the top of a mountain, which could be used to shoot any country seen to be being nasty to its orphans. That’s certainly something Brad and Angelina seem to care about, plus it’s entertaining enough to make other people in the world care.

But no – it’s been, gone and ended up in some charity coffers. So all we can do is point our accusing, sardonic finger in the direction of the stinking, smelly media. The media who will pay fourteen million dollars for some light captured on a digital imaging chip after it has reflected off the noggins of two famous people and the creased-up meatwads they have just birthed. This is the kind of world we live in.

The kind of world where Bono is not only allowed to be said meatwads’ godfather, but also the kind of world where he is allowed to go on living. There are some things in this world that just make you want to break down and openly weep. In public. While naked. At rush hour.

This is probably the best example we’ve ever come across.

This has to be some kind of record, the speed at which the cynical wheels of the man's mind have been turning, pushing him ever closer to the seventh level of hell in his endless pursuit to make a quick buck from his family. For god's sake – it hasn't even been confirmed that Ashley is his daughter. To say hecklerspray is incredulous is something of an understatement. And when we understate, you know something is really up.

Yes, it has been revealed that Michael Lohan has approached a number of tabloid magazines, offering to sell his story (or potential story, as we should actually call it) for a rather tidy sum of cashmoney. The man doesn't even know if he is actually the parent of this girl, yet he already has contingency plans in the works to fatten his wallet through her.

What the fuck?

There's the sickening fact that Ashley Kaufmann already has something of a pop career lined up for her, solely on the strength that she might be the daughter of a bloke who popped out a sprog famous for getting wasted and flashing her lady-bits. That should have been it – that should have been bad enough. That should have been the thing that pushed our collective consciousness at hecklerspray over the chasm, into the endless void below, never to return.

But it wasn't – we remained strong. We fought through and we tried to make some sense of it. By golly gosh gee whizz – she might turn out to have some talent. It would be a novelty in the bloodline, that's for sure.

But this – this - is a step too far. We may be forced to renounce our semi-popular celebrity-bating ways and take up refuge in a remote monastery, praying to a god who may not even exist to help us. For we, as a human race, have been forsaken.

Ashley Kaufmann might not even be Michael Lohan's daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Do you see?

One more time?

She might not even be his daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Yes, there are claims that the money would be used to fund 'back child support' that ol' spunky (potentially) owes, but surely there are other ways to get a hold of this? And surely, just maybe possibly surely, there's an extra few dollah dollahs in it for he with the (allegedly) wayward penis? Call us cynical – please, do, we like it – but that's what we  at hecklerspray smell cooking.

But wait! Put down the razor blade, turn off the gas, take your head out of the cooker and untie that noose – there may yet be hope for civilisation as we know it! For the bods at People and OK! magazine have apparently turned down Lohan's approach! There's a chance that for once in this messed up, pointless and unfulfilling world that things have gone the way they should – that good prevails over evil, sense toes the line and we sit back, relax and enjoy things for a brief few minutes.

If you're listening god, which you probably aren't because you're off talking to insane people in the Bible Belt who no one will believe when they tell us all you spaketh to them: please stop Michael Lohan from doing this. If you do we'll bake you a fresh pasty, or even a cake – we might even say 'thank you'. It would be the first and last thanks you'd ever get from us, but we'd mean it. We really, really would.

We’re not being cruel here, we’re just stating a fact. People magazine has named its most beautiful people of the year and Kate Hudson has won. You weren’t even in the top ten, you massive uggo.

Don’t get sad, it’s the truth. And you can’t dispute that a massive magazine like People doesn’t know what it’s talking about, because look at the runners-up who came after Kate Hudson – Mary J Blige, Bruce Willis‘ daughter, a woman we’ve never heard of whose name is Beard, the ginger woman who got her minge out in Short Cuts. That’s beauty you just can’t argue with, girls.

In the past people have said that the secret of beauty is a sense of inner calm or clear skin or a complex million-to-one genetic fluke that happens to fit society’s faddishly ephemeral ideals at any given time, but all these people are idiots.

Because People magazine has spoken, and it seems that the real secret of beauty is making a lot of rubbish romantic comedies that are all basically identical and about as funny as spinal injuries. It’s true – last year People magazine named Drew Barrymore as its most beautiful person and this year it’s picked Kate Hudson, who’s basically just Drew Barrymore with slightly curlier hair.

Although there’s no doubting Kate Hudson’s beauty – she is, remember, so beautiful that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself when they split up – it seems like an odd choice to us. After all, Kate Hudson only came 54th in the recent FHM sexiest woman in the world poll, and you can’t tell us that horny 14-year-old boys judge beauty differently to 37-year-old women. That’s just frankly ludicrous.

Anyway, as ever, the best part of People’s most beautiful list is reading what each beautiful person has to say about when they feel at their most beautiful. And this is what Kate Hudson said:

“I feel at my most beautiful when I see myself on the cover of a magazine and I’ve clearly been airbrushed. I mean really airbrushed. I love it when they airbrush the shit out of my face until I barely even look human any more, because that way I know I’ve made millions of women around the world feel ugly and insecure. And we all know that nobody’s more receptive to cosmetic adverts than ugly insecure women, right girls?”

Ah, not really. Instead, Kate Hudson actually said this:

“I don’t even remember the last time I got a manicure. I even got to the point where I started waxing my own legs because I don’t have the time. I’d rather be home with Ryder sitting there waxing my legs. I haven’t gotten a facial in a million years. I don’t do those kinds of things. And when I do, I always think, ‘I should do this more often’.”

So that’s that. But don’t worry if you think that, by parading Kate Hudson round and giving her a title based on a notion that every person finds individually subjective, People magazine is setting dangerously unobtainable standards for millions of young girls who’ll potentially develop eating disorders in a fruitless quest to appear on the most beautiful list in the future.

Because Vanessa Hudgens is also on the list, so the message is that girls can just as easily make the list if they get their vaginas out on the internet instead.

Read more:

Kate Hudson Is PEOPLE’s Most Beautiful Cover Girl – People

Chances are your minds have spent the last few weeks racing with worries about Jennifer Lopez's twins – do they have their mother's eyes? Do they have the right amount of fingers? Is one of them a bear? Were either of them born fully-qualified airline pilots – but now the truth is finally out.

The first pictures of Jennifer Lopez's twin babies have been published on the front cover of today's People magazine. And the good news is that, judging by the pictures, both of Jennifer Lopez's twins look perfectly fine – although if we were Marc Anthony might want a DNA paternity test just to clear up any lingering suspicion that Jennifer wasn't knocked up by a Boobah. Really, the resemblance is uncanny.

As if you didn't know, Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins last month. In many ways, Jennifer Lopez was always going to a perfect mother – she'd been through a parade of men to find which would be the most suitable father for her children, suing some failed candidates and making others wish that they'd never met her, plus her gigantic arse is the ideal counterbalance for a papoose. What more could you ask for?

Six million dollars in cash? Why, yes, that'd help as well. So it's just as well that Jennifer Lopez signed an exclusive $6 million deal with People magazine for exclusive rights to her baby pictures. After all, Jennifer's love might not cost a thing but that's only because her love wasn't about to chew on her nipples until they're ragged and shit everywhere.

And now, finally, the photos of Jennifer Lopez's twins Maximiano and Emelina have finally been published in People magazine. It's hard to tell what the twins are like from one photo, but both babies appear to have their eyes closed, which suggests that Marc Anthony is off camera showing them their new garishly matching Roberto Cavelli velour tracksuits. Anyway, The Sun reports:

Jennifer Lopez proudly shows off her baby twins Max and Emme on the front cover of People magazine. The mag reportedly forked out £3million to get the first pictures of the twins, who are just four weeks old. New mum J-Lo is clearly besotted with her new arrivals, though she will be spending some time away from them when she starts filming new movie Love and Other Possible Pursuits later this year.

But let's not be too hasty with the praise for Jennifer Lopez here – true, she might have two healthy baby and an obscenely overpaid baby photo deal with a magazine, but let's not forget that selling baby photos to a magazine might cause untold psychological emotional damage to the babies themselves.

Look at Christina Aguilera, for example – everyone cared so little about her baby photos that it'll now have to struggle through its formative years with everyone knowing that it's a massive social reject. What if the same thing happens to Jennifer Lopez's twins? What if nobody buys this edition of People magazine? How will the babies cope?

We think they'll be alright. At the very least People has ensured that the magazine will have a higher circulation than if Marc Anthony and his weirdly gaunt spooked-out horror movie face was on the cover. It'd have been lucky to sell five copies if that happened.

Read more:

See first picture of J-Lo's twins – The Sun 

And now, just for any latecomers who didn't know they even cared about it, Lindsay Lohan has started spouting off about her stints in rehab again.

Lindsay Lohan has told People that all her problems stemmed from putting herself in the wrong situations, and that she's changed her life as a result. Incidentally, Lindsay Lohan told People this at photo exhibition – so it's pleasing to see that she's swapped wrong situations for shit ones full of wankers with made-up names.

For the last few months we've been calling 2008 Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex for the way that she's been blasting through men with the dogged determination of a policeman walking along a seafront on a windy day trying to stop his helmet blowing off. But we have a small admission to make.

This isn't Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex at all – this is Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex In Conjunction With Lindsay Lohan's Decade Of Monomaniacal Self-Absorption. We didn't give you the full title. Sorry. You see, Lindsay Lohan went to rehab last year. She'll never recover from her addictions, but she has figured out a nifty workaround – every time Lindsay Lohan wants to fill her trousers with cocaine and drive like an idiot, she'll just blab off a toe-curling anecdote about herself to a magazine instead.

Already this year we've heard how Lindsay Lohan knows where her own head is and how she blames work for all her problems, and now she's decided to open even further to People magazine by basically regurgitating the least interesting parts of the other two interviews and squodging them together to make something so devoid of interest that we get the feeling that People was actually talking to an auto-response vending machine that just looks a bit like Lindsay Lohan:

"I think it was just situations that I was putting myself in," she told PEOPLE at a photo exhibit last week at N.Y.C.'s The Atelier. "I was putting myself in the wrong situations and I didn't have the focus in the right place." Since leaving, Lohan, 21, said she's rid herself of bad influences and hangers-on. "I did – I changed things," she insisted. "My family has always been important to me, and they've always supported me," said Lohan, who reunited with her estranged dad, Michael, while in rehab. "I'm blessed to have a really wonderful family."  

Actually, we're being a little hard on Lindsay Lohan here – as well as droning on like someone with a hefty overestimation of their own importance, Lindsay also revealed that her months of unemployment are coming to an end. According to the report, Lindsay Lohan is working hard on her new album – alleged to have a soul-destroying hip-hop 'flava' – plus she's also about to start filming a new Jack Black comedy.

Obviously logic dictates that, now Lindsay's got her tits out for a magazine, this'll be a Jack Black comedy that'll get released straight to DVD and contain all kinds of awful Lohan/Black love scenes that are accompanied by sub-Kenny G smooth saxophone jazz. And, if so, it'll still be better than Georgia Rule.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan: I Put Myself in 'Wrong Situations' - People

And that's true whether you have an adorable baby or an angry pink monster with freakish little grasping fingers that creep you out every time you look at them. Like Christina Aguilera's baby.

Now before you get upset, remember that we're not the ones saying that. People magazine paid $1.5 million for exclusive photos of Christina Aguilera and her new baby Max, but since hardly anyone bought the issue, it's basically you who are saying that Christina Aguilera's baby is a ridiculous, funny-to-look-at waste of everyone's time. And you should be ashamed, damn you.

Who doesn't love Christina Aguilera? We know we do – whether she's dressing like a bit of a slut in her music videos or singing so loudly about being beautiful that we honestly worry she'll one day dislodge the moon, Christina Aguilera can basically do no wrong in our books. Apart from having children, of course, because that's rubbish.

Again, that's not our viewpoint but yours. You hate that Christina Aguilera had a baby boy, and you hate the baby boy itself. Even though it's just a poor defenceless baby that's never done anything wrong in any of its short life, you hate it. You hate its stupid ears and the crap middle-aged accountant haircut it was born with.

We know this because People magazine's circulation figures are 100,000 lower than usual, just because Christina Aguilera and her baby are on the front cover. Monsters And Critics reports:

The magazine reportedly paid $1.5 million for exclusive photos of Christina Aguilera and her new baby Max, but early estimates from the President's Day weekend sales show consumers weren't inspired to pick the issue up. The New York Post is reporting that the issue, which hit late last week, is on target to sell only around 1.3 million copies this week, according to some industry sources. Time Inc.'s biggest cash cow rag ordinarily sells and average 1.4 million copies a week on newsstands.

But why? Why do you – personally you – hate Christina Aguilera's baby so much? Is it because all the recent celebrity births and pregnancies have left you with a low-level baby apathy? Is it because you've finally worked out that all babies look completely bloody identical and Christina Aguilera may as well be holding a dentist's baby or even a slightly baby-shaped clump of Play-Doh and you wouldn't know any different?

Or is it because you're just plain pig sick of Christina Aguilera? We can't possibly see how it could be that, though, because during her pregnancy Christina Aguilera only referred to her baby once in public. Apart from that time she painted herself bright orange, got naked and obnoxiously screamed "Woo-Hoo! Look at me! I'm Christina Aguilera and I'm pregnant! Pregnant pregnant pregnant pregnant pregnant PREGNANT!" from the cover of a magazine for cash, of course. But, come on, what expectant mother doesn't do that?

Anyway, we hope you're happy. You've wrecked Christina Aguilera's baby's life, you unthinking swines.

And if People's sales are down because nobody cares that Christina Aguilera's baby is on the cover, just imagine what'll happen when it puts Jennifer Lopez on the cover with her twins. We'll just be lucky if nobody firebombs the newsstands.

Read more:

Christina Aguilera's baby pictures fall flat – Monsters And Critics 

No question – the brickwork one every time. Because a) hey, bricks, woo, and b) you really couldn't give a tenth of a rat's chuff about anything to do with Jennifer Lopez.

Still, that hasn't stopped People magazine from paying an estimated $6 million for exclusive American distribution rights for Jennifer Lopez's baby photos. We honestly can't see how Jennifer Lopez is that much of a draw, so maybe People has heard something we don't know – maybe J-Lo's twins are co-joined at the arse or something. Yes, that's definitely it.

We've never really been able to understand the rush to get picture rights to celebrity babies. Magazines will almost bankrupt themselves trying to bid for snaps of the tots, even though everyone already knows that they'll look like little tiny screaming pink Boobahs who can't stop shitting themselves.

Look at Angelina Jolie, for example – not only did she sell pictures of Shiloh Nouvel to the highest bidder for millions of dollars, but she also managed to repeat the trick with Pax Thien, who was adopted, about 12 years old and obviously didn't look a stitch like Angelina Jolie. 

But, OK, that's Angelina Jolie – she's a beautiful Oscar winner shacked up with the world's best-looking man and she'd pledged to give the money to charity, so there's bound to be interest. But surely nobody cares that much about Jennifer Lopez. Her last album shat the bed, nobody goes to see her films any more and, after all that husband suing, you can't really say that she looks like a particularly nice person. 

But despite all this, Jennifer Lopez has apparently sold the picture rights of her unborn twins for a record-busting amount, as Metro reports:

The 38-year-old's excessive asking price for the first look at those precious faces is a whopping £3 million ($6 million) US reports claim. Too much to ask? Maybe not, as the Latino singer reportedly has two bidders vying furiously to ink a final deal with little time to spare. Internet reports claim People magazine has bagged a deal for US distribution but a spokesman for the star reportedly denies a deal has been signed. But OK! magazine seem to be celebrating a deal, allowing them international distribution for some 15 editions world wide.

Really, we honestly can't get our head around that. $6 million just so people too stupid to wait until the pictures are leaked onto the internet can buy a magazine and spend 20 seconds mumbling about how much the twins have got Jennifer Lopez's ears. Did the price go up because Jennifer Lopez kept quiet about the pregnancy for so long? Was it a deliberate money-making plan all along? Because if it was, Jessica Alba's going to sell her baby snaps for 20p and half a stale jaffa cake.

It just doesn't make sense, which is why some sources are saying the figure has been wildly inflated. But what if it hasn't? What if Jennifer Lopez really is going to pocket $6 million just because her husband couldn't keep it in his pants nine months ago? There has to be a catch.

Maybe there are conditions in People's contract with Jennifer Lopez. We'll find that out for ourselves when Jennifer Lopez coincidentally decides to name her kids I Love People Magazine and People Magazine Out Now At A Newsstand Near You At A Low Low Price. It's either that or People has also got the rights to sell the photos onto My, Look At These Newborn Babies' Freakishly Large Buttocks Weekly.

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J-Lo Eyes Up Record Baby Deal – Metro 

Because that's what Victoria Beckham has done, and it's got her into Barbara Walters' prestigious 10 Most Fascinating People Of The Year list. Although her complete failure to establish herself as an actress or presenter on American TV might make it look as if Victoria Beckham has had a massively depressing year, at least the inclusion on Barbara Walters' fascinating list means it hasn't been a total disaster. And we're so happy for her that we're willing to overlook the fact that Barbara Walters calling Victoria Beckham fascinating is basically an admission that 2007 was so drearily unfascinating that everyone might as just suffocate themselves to death in their sleep tonight.

You know who one of the most fascinating people of the year was? Rosie O'Donnell, that's who. Lovely old angry Rosie O'Donnell with her Donald Trump fights and her Elisabeth Hasselbeck fights and her leaving The View and her subsequently not getting any other television jobs because everyone mostly thinks she's an overdemanding, unstable firebrand. That behaviour is almost the dictionary definition of fascinating.

However, you won't find Rosie O'Donnell on Barbara Walters' list of the 10 Most Fascinating People Of The Year. That could be because Barbara Walters used to be Rosie's boss on The View and their interview would be uncomfortable and awkward, or it could be that Barbara Walters really believes that a wooden, past-his-best footballer and a washed-up singer with a speaking voice that's part dentist drill and part hairdresser falling down a lift-shaft are actually more fascinating.

Barbara Walters has unveiled her list of the 10 Most Fascinating People Of The Year and, for some reason that we still can't understand, David and Victoria Beckham have come out on top.

That's not to say that David and Victoria Beckham aren't fascinating – although by going to live in America in a blaze of moviestar-endorsed publicity then singularly failing to either a) justify David's multi-million dollar salary by not even getting his team into the top half of its league or b) do anything more interesting that get followed around by some pigs at speed, it technically means that the Beckhams are fascinating in the same way that your cat finds dead frogs fascinating.

But this is Barbara Walters' list, not ours, so we'll just relay why Victoria Beckham thinks her marriage to David is so fascinating:

"I think it's where sports meets fashion meets music, and I think that's probably what people find interesting."

Yes, on reflection this whole 'sports meets fashion meets music' idea of Victoria Beckham's probably is what makes them fascinating. We were wrong to think it was because all the thundering vapidity that surrounds the Beckhams is sort of funny. Apologies all round.

But this is Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People Of The Year list, not Barbara Walters' Two People Who Barely Count As One Normal Person's Idea Of Fascinating list, so who else did Walters pick this year? In no particular order, they are:

Justin Timberlake – Fascinating because: he brought sexy back. Single-handedly. Even though he's got a girl's voice.

The MySpace Founders – Fascinating because: of the way they're crapping it about Facebook.

Katherine Heigl – Fascinating because: she was a doctor on the telly and then a woman in a film.

Jennifer Hudson – Fascinating because: she was the only person to win an Oscar this year.

Don Imus – Fascinating because: scientists managed to genetically clone his facial skin to use as a material that can stretch across the top of space shuttles to stop them burning up on re-entry.

Bill Clinton – Fascinating because: he's the least-convincing Carmela Soprano ever.

Hugo Chavez – Fascinating because: his CD, Hugo Chavez Sings The Soundtrack To Cannonball Run 2, has been top of every single music chart in the world since January 1.

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The 10 Most Fascinating People Of 2007 – ABC 

2007 marks the 22nd straight year that we – like all other men if they're honest – have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we'll get in People's Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren't even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.

For what it's worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it's not us, and we're perfectly OK with that. No, really.

Now that he's stopped making hilarious films about the exploits of two cojoined twins, Matt Damon has started to get taken seriously. After his turn in Oscar-winner The Departed and box-office destroyer The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon has hardly put a foot wrong, aside from Ocean's Thirteen which was so awful that it made us want to smack the eyes out of our faces.

And how is Matt Damon being rewarded for his new-found megastardom? By coming first in a number of ultimately meaningless surveys, that's how. This summer Matt Damon was voted the best-value actor in all of Hollywood and now he's also been voted as the sexiest man alive by People magazine. Sexy and good value? That's like going to Lidl and seeing that their meat salad contains identifiable meat as well as actual salad instead of a just handful of Spam mixed up with  some mayonnaise like usual.

But how can Matt Damon be People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive when just last year George Clooney was given the title, as was Matthew McConaughey the year before that? Well, the truth is that they've both recently been killed. But don't mourn Clooney or McConaughey for too long, because Matt Damon is the new sexy king and by Christ does he ever want to boast about it:

"You gave an aging suburban dad the ego boost of a lifetime. My 9-year-old stepdaughter now thinks I'm cool — well, cooler. At the risk of being forward, if you asked me (which you didn't) I would suggest Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for this award. He's like a taller, better-looking version of me anyway. Plus, he's the best quarterback in the history of football."

Yeah, we're sure that Matt Damon's stepdaughter is thrilled that she gets to live with a man who's contractually obliged to spend the next 12 months preening himself like some sort of sexy peacock in every available reflective surface while living with the pain of knowing that she'll never possess any of his sexygenes.

So, anyway, congratulations to Matt Damon for being crowned the sexiest man alive. Let's hope the award doesn't go to his head and that his forthcoming movies Matt Damon's My My Aren't I Sexy and Matt Damon Sits On A Rock Staring Out To Sea Without A Top On For Two Hours don't get bogged down with his new vanity.

Who are the other men that People has slipped into its Sexiest Man Alive list? Not us, how many times do you need to be told? But, just in case you wanted to know… 

Patrick Dempsey

Ryan Reynolds

Brad Pitt

James McAvoy

Johnny Depp

Dave Annable

Will Smith

Javier Bardem

Shemar Moore

Ben Affleck

Adrian Grenier

Will Yun Lee

Justin Timberlake

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The Sexiest Man Alive – MATT DAMON - People